I am currently beginning the steps that will take me "on the way out." Needless to say, it is a tough act to accomplish without severing the ties of family that I care deeply about. Reading the stories of others here has been a great help. I have learned some successful strategies. Also, when I hear a typical Mormon "response/argument," it helps to have read the same thing 20 million times on your site. I can quietly chuckle inside, instead of wondering if this is the way EVERYONE else's mind is working.
One day soon I'll write my own story and send it to you. It will be an interesting one, and, I hope, one with a happy ending.
P.S. On an aside, I can't help but picture you as a young 20-yr. old, even though I know you must be in your forties -- projection, I guess. "Coming to your senses" after 18 years in the church, particularly after you CHOSE to convert, must have been tough. My best wishes to you and your family.
Some points of interest: All converts whom I have met have spoken of their conversion (to which ever faith or belief) with excitement and joy. Inevitably, they also speak of the pain, and difficulties of confronting their family, friends, and even society as they choose a different direction. My family cherishes the journals and writings of our ancestors which faced expulsion, exclusion and derision from family members, friends, and society - this persecution is hailed as proof that the Church is true. Yet, when one leaves the faith, they are labeled as "falling away" or "taking the easy way out" or "too weak to follow the precepts of the faith"; therefore, as a fallen person you are shunned as part of "avoiding all evil". Amazingly these are the same words used against my ancestors when they left Catholicism and the Church of England. It is indeed a vicious circle. Only those who despise hypocrisy, and can look at themselves with the same honesty as they look at others, will find the irony in all of this and see the need of understanding and acceptance.
My point then, is this: We should be glad that we have found happiness and a new direction for personal peace and allow others the same happiness, even if their direction appears to be different. If we are not very, careful, we will become that which we despise most. Thanks again for this wonderful site, I will visit it often.
I chanced upon your site while browsing for other interesting things and read several fascinating histories of Joseph Smith (most of which I had read before) about his days as a perveyor of magic and hunting treasure with seerst ones. When I stumbled upon your site, it brought back the intense feelings I had when I left the church. What a difficult decision it was! And for years I dealt with the missionaries and ward teachers coming by for visits and bringing fresh baked cookies or invites to a Saturday social.
Of course, the fact that I have several THOUSAND relatives totally swallowed up inside the church seemed to assure that the pressure would never subside. I mean my father is a high priest, former bishopric member, current temple worker, and devout follower of the faith. For that matter most all of my family has some special calling within the church.
But over time, unbelievably, the visits quit coming, the phone calls - Is Brother so and so there? - quit, the invitations to socials stopped, in fact, I haven't heard from Mormons in any official or semi-official capacity in about five years (see - all it took was twenty years of fortitude).
Well, the only reason I am writing this letter is to let those of you who have recently left the church know the struggle is worth it. What you are going through now will one day allow you to be free in your mind, your heart, your spirit and your soul. Believe me you will never EVER miss sitting around with your congregation chatting about the end of the world and how wonderful it is to be a martyr.
You won't miss feeling smug as you look down your nose on the miserable gentiles that infest your neighborhood. You will be exhilarated by the knowledge that YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS! What a pleasant feeling that is. To be free of God's Plan tattooed in your brain. To be able to think and feel without judgment. To be able to ask questions again. To find mystery and awe still exists in the world. I KNOW Mormons think they have mystery and awe, and well, they do, as defined by a bunch of VERY OLD MEN that put out OFFICIAL THOUGHT for all of you to think. I digress, but I have never much cared for all those old cronies spouting doctrine from their 80 year plus perspective of the world. J. Smith was a YOUNG charismatic man that drew people into his dream. What's up there now are old conservative "Mr. Potter" ĢIt's a Wonderful Lifeģ types that tend the cold iron bars of their pragmatic approach to spirituality.
Now, I've gotten myself a little worked up. Look the main thing I wanted to say here was... In the final analysis if you are a free thinker and capable of discovering REAL TRUTH that is abundant all around you, you will break away from the church, and be much happier people for it. On the other hand, like my father once said, even if he didn't believe in all of the stuff the Mormon's teach he'd still go to the Mormon church for the fellowship and the comfort. Old habits die very hard. And what's the problem with that? A good (and very catholic) friend of mine from Mexico told me that religion doesn't have to be true, "Mankind is a strange and reckless mass," he said, "that is heading like a runaway train over the brink of disaster. Religion serves as a brake, slowing down this calamity with all of its traditions, ceremonies and blind faith. It throws a little morality out there for the hordes to chew upon." I asked him, "Does that apply to Mormons, too?" "Huh, what, uh no," he replied, "Mormon's stink." Well, my friend is catholic, NOW if you want to talk about a REALLY crackpot religion . . . .
I felt deceived when I discovered the false doctrine. I felt betrayed by bishops, home teachers, missionaries--people who told me that I was losing a testimony because I was not living my life in accordance to the church. And for a while I believed them. I thought that I was a terrible person, and I lost the confidence that had once been so strong. It has taken years to re-gain that confidence--and I still haven't fully re-gained it. What a pity! But every day, I remind myself that I am a good person. I don't need someone making me feel that I am not.
I don't want to sound as though I am complaining. I did have some good times in the church. As activities coordinator for the young adult ward, I hosted several activities, and I did make a few really good friends--three of them have stuck by me. One of them in Utah is still one of my best friends. So, if anything, I gained three great friends in exchange for six years of paying tithing to support a lie, revering a dead false prophet, and admitting embarrassing "guilt" in confidential bishop's meetings.
You know what the big clincher was???? I received my patriarchal blessing in 1991. I had a small copy taped inside my Book of Mormon. In 1995, shortly before I left the church, the patriarch who had given me my patriarchal blessing (which was supposed to be sacred to me personally) spoke in our young adult ward. His talk seemed almost word-for-word from my patriarchal blessing. He used exact phrases and topics! I was shocked! I knew then that he was a liar. This man whom I had thought had delivered me a message from god, was merely inserting my name on the "Insert name" line in the template of a default blessing. I whispered my concern to a friend who simply stated "maybe this talk was inspired for you because of your dwindling faith." Typical answer. I never went back.
You can include this letter in your list of letters on your page. I will officially have me name removed from church records. I never bothered with it before, but now, I just want it off so I can move forward with a clean slate. Because right now, life has never been better.
I need to go now. My mom and I are going to IHOP early tomorrow morning. And yes, it will be Sunday, and yes, I am going to drink coffee. And afterward, I am spending the afternoon with my fellow pagan friends!!! And no one is going to make me feel guilty about that.
A child of the sixties, I gave myself lots of permission to explore spiritually. It's a wonderful world!
I am so sad when I read some of the stories on your web site - phenomenal pain. Bless all these people and you for your work. What I am learning on your site helps me to better understand my older sister (super Mormon, repressed and depressed) and her adult daughters, (BYU grads, unmarried, still living at home with mom and dad in Mormon limbo) sad, very sad.
I am so post Mormon, I don't know that my story would be helpful , but I would like to encourage all the strugglers that life can be full of love, a loving God and success outside the LDS church.
I am an Episcopalian (we don't proselytize) -the new Bishop for the Episcopal Diocese of Utah is a former Mormon, Carolyn Tanner Irish.
Unlike the general Mormon notion on apostasy, I have not sinned any grievous transgressions; my only sin is a love of knowledge and reason, coupled with a belief that a true God would not practice intolerance as shamelessly as the Mormon God wields racism, sexism, and homophobia. In light of recent scientific research carried out at the University of Colorado at Boulder, my belief in the genetic origin of homosexuality seems to be justified; I can't rationalize judgment being carried out against an innate phenotype.
However, the purpose of my letter is not to cite evidence against Mormonism. For my purposes, the list of rational and scientific evidence against the church is substantial; but, as manifest through the Mormon feedback to your page, people see what they want to see. The purpose of my letter is just to be a quiet affirmation that someone approves of what you are doing. It's difficult hold my personal beliefs in such an infiltrated society. Still living at home and under my father's jurisdiction, I am forced to regularly attend church services; I receive offhand comments from active friends, and disapproving looks from adult church members. The psychological techniques employed by the church, although not necessarily consciously dictated, are effective in leaving an apostate feeling abandoned. I realize that my father believes he is fighting for my eternal salvation, but much of the treatment I receive from church leaders seems to be affectation. I wish someone would respect my judgments without condemnation. It is refreshing to see more intellectuals who share my beliefs.
In spending a couple hours on your site, a found some piece of solitude. My favorite portion is the Mormon responses which work against them more than they realize. They fight blindly against their worst enemy: knowledge. The fact that someone was offering truths which conflicted with their own frightened them, and many showed signs of being so frantically disturbed as to be unable to construct a clear thought process. Why should the one true church be so concerned that people would have access to knowledge? Further scare tactics are employed by saying that the souls of those who stray are upon your head. The Mormon responses seemed more eager to convince the author that the church is true than to refute what is posted on your page. I can understand their need to cling to religion in the face of solid proof against it: their eternal lives are based upon their faith in Mormonism, and with such high stakes, how can the intellectually weak afford to gamble?
I have a small anecdote which was related to me by a former Mormon. It sheds some light on why Mormons are so firmly planted in their belief besides their ignorance. She was baby-sitting for a Mormon family, and was with a five-year-old when to lightbulb in the room blew out. The child got a frantic look on his face and declared that "Satan was here." He then ran upstairs looking for his father to cast Satan out with his priesthood power. In the mean time, the babysitter changed the lightbulb. The significance of the story is that at the age of five, the child had already been taught that darkness was Satan, and that the priesthood was the only means whereby to eradicate his presence. It's disturbing to me to see how the church instills perpetuating ideals in the minds of children so as to combat the years of questioning ahead.
My letter is not necessarily a declaration against Mormonism to the world, but merely something to note my appreciation that you are offering acceptance to the outcast. It is time to start focusing on the advancement of mankind and the amelioration of global situations without the hinderance of organizations such as the church. You may post this if you wish, but unlike the demands from the Mormons rebukements, I believe that reason is more effective than loud advertising.
I have read through most of the personal accounts posted here, and also many of the "rebuttals" from true believers. My own situation is as follows: I maintain activity in the church in spite of my disbelief because I have concluded that, given the interpersonal dynamics of my family, jettisoning the church at this point would be disastrously destabilizing to my family life, and consequently, to my emotional stability. Many who read this will no doubt berate me for my lack of integrity and pusillanimity. True believers who read it will probably think me cowardly for not revealing my identity. But the very fact that one has to hide one's identity when discussing one's personal beliefs and doubts in a forum like this points to what is wrong with the Mormon Church: it is a punitive and coercive "paramilitary" organization that deals with a host of personal problems by booting someone out. If my identity were known, I would get the boot too for having written this.
My argument with the Church is not primarily doctrinal, or historical. Oh, I've read nearly every "controversial" book, from Brodie to the Tanners, and am familiar with the arguments on both sides. It does not particularly bother me, for example, that the Endowment liturgy has a distinctly Masonic pedigree. I think that most religions can be demonstrated to have "synthesized" their doctrines and practices. What DOES bother me is the dogmatic claim to the contrary, to the point of tossing people out who question it, or even in some cases just discuss it.
With the September Six excommunications--which were clearly orchestrated bureaucratically--the church showed itself to be a power game, protecting its imagined "purity" by behaving like a petty dictatorship rather than the Body of Christ. President Hinckley's attempts to minimize their importance sounded somehow flippant to me, and was the death knell to my already rickety Mormon faith.
My faith in God has not diminished, and, to borrow Levi Peterson's words, I would call myself a "Christian by yearning." I'm trying to regain my spiritual bearings, a process which is impeded by my family obligation to attend church weekly. I do enjoy some of my associations there, and for the time being will just have to make the best of it. Being a sixth generation Mormon and having the accompanying sense of heritage and ancestry only makes my rejection of it all the more painful, as if I were somehow betraying my ancestors whose stories of faithful endurance I heard growing up. I just have to resolve to take what good things I can of it all and move on. Someday, I hope that my family situation will permit me to become involved in another church, one that does not try to fit everyone into the same Procrustean bed. And the same Republican bed.
After three letters demanding my release from the Church, I resorted to conferring with an attorney; but they finally relented; of course after being warned of the terrible things that would befall me in the hereafter. Right.....
The whole institution and the people involved just make me profoundly sad.....from the 14 year old girls that were given to Joseph Smith by their fathers; to the dolts that march their sons and daughters off on missions without so much of an investigation to the veracity of the belief system as they would check out the condition of a used car.
I have yet to find a Mormon member who can accurately discuss their church's history with any degree of accuracy---of course, they have been taught to rely on faith, and, of course, "follow the brethren." Well, it was interesting reading your story.
I have thoroughly enjoyed stumbling on to your web site. Like so many of your readers, I served a full-time mission, I come from a 5th generation LDS family, have served as elders quorum president, Sunday school teacher, etc., and about six years ago finally woke up and made a complete transition in my life which included a total transformation of my belief system (and an exit from the LDS church). I did not replace one false belief system for another, but rather have come to rely on my own inner light rather. (I have a very hard time dealing with people who have traded the authoritarianism of the LDS church for the authoritarianism of fundamentalist Christianity and bible literalism!) The change in my life was not easy, but I can honestly say that I am happier now than I ever was as a practicing Mormon, even though my Mormon friends and family just shake their heads. They tell my I'm deluding myself and that I'm really miserable--I just don't realize it. They can't possibly understand, and I don't really blame them since six years ago I wouldn't have believed me either. But once the scales fall from your eyes you can never see the universe in the same light again, and what a joy it is to be free! Leaving the LDS church was really one of my greatest accomplishments of my life. Anyway, I want to thank you for putting together such an excellent web site. It's nice to know that there are so many of us out there.
Eric's comments: At first I thought I have enough stories, but the variety of ways they touch people makes me believe more would be great to have. If you are a former Mormon thinking about writing about your experience and especially your post-Mormon life please send your story to this site. Thanks.
Eric's comments: The LDS church simply ignores embarassing parts of its past as if they never existed. This way members do not know much of the Mormon church's early history and now even something as recent as blacks getting the priesthood in 1978 has started to fade out of the collective memory.
The theology differences of Christianity vs mormon are critical, but how the very lives of people are affected by these differences puts the whole discussion in a reality we can all understand.
Please continue your important work. I always look forward to any new items you add. Take care and God bless.
I feel, especially in a small branch such as ours, that it doesn't matter if you grow spiritually - just serve....serve, serve, serve until you drop. If you want to be released, you're told you have a "spirit of apostacy." I sometimes don't know where to go....The church has done so much for our family.....but there are those times where I wish we can go to be edified - not to babysit in the hallway, teach your lessons, be tormented about hometeaching each week in priesthood, plus others...My wife often feels the same way, not as strong as I though.
I just want to go to church....learn more of the Savior, how to be a better father and husband and search the scriptures....Am I a cad? Am I lazy? I don't know....Please withhold my name...and email address....I just felt I needed to get this off my chest....
My husband and I truly like these two young men in suits, and we would like to see these intellegent men find their own way instead of blindly following someone else's way.. It seems this struggle is intrinsic to all humanity, not just people exiting from the Mormons, Jehovah Witness, or any other pyramidic social/financial structure. It is paradox that the ways to the top of the spiritual mountain are as numerous as people who live on the face of the earth, but the only way is through the Truth..
Two common threads run through most of the stories I have read on your site. People are left horribly empty on exiting the Mormon church, and second that the drive to fill that emptiness leads some people right back to another pyramidic power structure such as a different, but still highly controlling religion or perhaps some secular version of the same thing. It is to these people, that I wanted to plant the seed of a new idea: The power to fill that void and end your grief comes from within yourself, not from another group or individual or anything external to you.
Eric, If you would like to post the letter, please feel free. I will check your net site in the future, and will respond supportively if anyone wishes to correspond. Sincerely, Terrie gcl@aonline.com
Please forward a note to Ralph regarding his story -- I really enjoyed it and hate to see people treated badly because I feel that God doesn't care what religion you are as long as you love everyone and don't judge anyone (something the mormon church does well, huh?)
Anyway -- thanks again for the reading......
Thank you for your fascinating page. it is interesting to hear of the stories of the my fellow ex-Mormon's spiritual lives. God bless you!
Here is my conversion story:
I, like so many ex-Mormons, was greatly devoted to the LDS Church. I was raised by wonderful parent who taught both by word and example. I loved my church, and i would have done anything to defend her. That is, until I started asking questions.
I have always loved the Bible, though as a Mormon, I believed that it had been mistranslated. However, I began to read the Joseph Smith Translation, and saw how it did not fit with Mormon doctrine. I began to aks questions, and was not prepared to accept any half-baked answer the leaders were going to give me.
I began to read literature on Mormonism. I read Fawn Brodie's No Man Knows My History, and was convinced that it was a fraud. It is a sin to lie, but it is a greater sin to perpetuate a lie.
It was a joy to read the bible without the LDS Church's unique "inter- pretation of it. I became interested in Catholicism, and began taking instruction from the local priest. In my instruction, I was actually encouraged to ask questions, and my journey to the Catholic church was a very liberating ex- perience.
Needless to say, this did not sit well with my parents. I was studying in college, and they would not send me back unless I agreed to read the Book of Mormon every day, and take institute classes. I could not accept their demands in good conscience, and so returned home.
The next few moths were absolute hell. I loved the Holy Mass, but got in trouble for going. Secretly, I continued my instruction with a priest, and at the first opportunity, I moved out (mostly at my parent's urging). On April 10, 1993, I was finally baptised and confirmed into the Catholic Church by Bishop William K. Wiegand.
My parents are not all that accepting. They say they are, but they still subtly try to shove Mormonism down my throat. My grandmother, however is my main support, as is my younger sister.
I am thankful to God for my deliverance. He has shown me the way, that is to follow Jesus Christ. I strive to follow Him daily. There is the Jesus of the Bible, and then there is the Jesus of Mormonism. The two are completely different.
May God bless you all