I feel trapped in the Mormon Church

Subject:	I feel trapped
Date:	Mar 22 19:17
Author:	Michelle
Mail Address:

I have been a member all my life. I am 32 years old. I hate to admit it, but I have never believed in the things the church tells us we must believe in. Joseph Smith, The Church is True, Prophets, Book of Mormon etc, etc. And as scary as it is for me to say it out loud, I have never believed in God. As much as I have tried to believe, it has never happened. I do believe in being a good person and many of the positive teachings of the church. But I also know that if I left the church my entire family would disown me. I know that some of you would respond to that by saying if they truly loved you they would accept your decision. As true as that may be, I know they would never accept it and would hound me for years. I feel so TRAPPED. It seems so weird to say that I feel like a prisoner in my religion. I am very involved in the church and wish I wasn't. The time I spend on callings, meetings, activities, etc.......I could be spending with my family. Something doesn't seem right about that. I just told my husband how I feel and I knew I could because he feels the same way. He has been playing the game for the past 10 years just to mame me happy. He knows what would happen if my parents and family knew the way we felt. So I guess I was really admitting it to myself and not him. It was so scary to say it aloud. But I felt a sense of relief. I just don't know what to do next. All I know is that I don't want my children to grow up with the stress of being LDS. I never felt good enough or happy about my life. The church makes us feel like we have so much to improve on. I think it is time I realize the good person that I am. But I know the minute I leave the church, my phone will be ringing off the hook, people will be coming to my door and everyone will seem so confused as to why I made this awful decision. Because I played the part of a good LDS woman well. Noone would ever know that I don't believe. And that makes me wonder how many other people are good actors like me. I wish someone out their had the answer, but I know that there may not be one. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for the opportunity to share what has been in my heart for years.

Subject:	You're luckier than most...
Date:	Mar 22 19:24
Author:	MeToo
Mail Address:

since you can talk to your husband. I would continue that dialogue with him. Read study and make a plan that you can both live with. There are a lot of stories and experiences here that you can make good use of. Good Luck

PS - I left with my wife and kids. I raised them out the LDS influence, but found that my LDS family thinks of me as dead!

Subject:	In many ways, you're very lucky!
Date:	Mar 22 19:31
Author:	Devoted Exmo
Mail Address:

Your partner isn't married to the church. I've seen no many sad situations here when one believes and the other doesn't.

For most people, the begining is rough, but it gets easier. Most people have a difficult time explaining their feelings to their family. My only rule about this is that everybody should treat each other well. If your family isn't able to do that, then it is sad, but you can't be their doormat so that they can feel better about their religion.

Remind them of the 11th article of faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

Remind them that you love them and will not stop.

Remind them that you have this life to share and who knows about the next, but shunning you in this life because you don't think you'll be together in the next is hypocracy.

Good luck and come back often. You will find that there are some really wise people here.

Subject:	Do you live in Utah? n/t
Date:	Mar 22 19:36
Author:	Surviver
Mail Address:

Subject:	Re: Do you live in Utah? n/t
Date:	Mar 22 19:43
Author:	Michelle
Mail Address:

We used to live in Utah. I lived there for about 12 years. But we moved to be closer to my parents. But now that I am facing the decision of telling them about my lack of beliefs, I will probably have to move again!. I just wish they could understand, but my parents are Mormons, through and through. I'm afraid it would kill them.

Subject:	How about just drifting out of the church?
Date:	Mar 23 00:02
Author:	Stray Mutt
Mail Address:

You don't have to make a dramatic break that calls attention to itself.

Start by getting rid of the garments. It'll be one of the most liberating thing you'll ever do, and no one will ever know unless you tell them.

Then tell your bishop you need to be released from your callings for the sake of your family. If he balks, help him understand it's not his decision, it's yours.

Then skip a Sunday now and then and go do something nice with the children.

When you do go to church, leave the LDS uniforms at home. Maybe you wear pants and your husband ditches the tie. Soon the "church" will start to move away from you. In fact, that's one of the keys to getting them to leave you alone. In classes, ask questions and give answers that are outside the Mormon norm. Draw from gentile sources, as in, "That reminds me of something Tolstoy wrote." Soon you'll get the reputation of becoming worldly, a bad influence and posessing a dark spirit and they'll back further away.

Then, during the summer when other members tend to rotate on and off vacation, take a long vacation yourselves -- from church -- and never come back.

Meanwhile, say nothing to your folks. Let them slowly gather that you're drifting into inactivity. They'll wring their hands and badger you, but it's an easier transition than outright apostasy.

Or it could be a horrible idea. You have to do what works for you. I wish you happiness.

Subject:	Excellent suggestions here
Date:	Mar 23 02:11
Author:	Violotron
Mail Address:

Especially since your husband and you are on the same page. Drifting away should be easier for your folks to take. And remember, it is not your parents' life, it is YOUR life, so start doing what works for YOU, not them.

One way to start is to get rid of your most time consuming calling. Just tell your bishop "I am too busy for this, I need to spend more time with my family, after (two weeks) I will no longer be able to do ------." Do not ask to be released, TELL them you are done. Take back the power, it isn't their life, it is yours. Then, over a few weeks, get rid of other callings the same way.

Start going to the movies, a picnic, a non repressive church sometimes on sundays. You DON'T have to raise your kids in the intellectual repressive morg, there are many other options.

The Mormon church assumes they can control you, don't let them.

Subject:	Michelle, are you origianally from Mt?
Date:	Mar 23 17:18
Author:	TruthSeeker
Mail Address:

Subject:	There are a bunch of couples like you guys
Date:	Mar 22 19:37
Author:	Gracie
Mail Address:

over at the NOM board. Lots of them have small children and both the partners are of one mind about leaving the church--but there's that big extended TBM family thing! I think you two could find some comrades there.

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard.cfm?id=319220

Subject:	Another pitch for the NOM board
Date:	Mar 23 06:26
Author:	KingM
Mail Address:

Yes, after reading your post, I think the New Order Mormons might help a lot.

Subject:	Re: Another pitch for the NOM board
Date:	Mar 23 06:40
Author:	J. (not logged)
Mail Address:

i certainly hope your seduction techniques aren't too
successful, KingM.
i like having here here . . . : )

Subject:	Don't worry J.
Date:	Mar 23 08:35
Author:	Gracie
Mail Address:

You'd be amazed at how many NOMs post regularly in both places. She can find good support in both.

That KingM surely is enticing, though, ain't he?

Subject:	i have been lurking
Date:	Mar 23 08:48
Author:	J.
Mail Address:	`xxxxxxxx@xxxxx.com`

on NMO for quite some time and i think
he's _dreamy_ . . . : )

Subject:	Re: I feel trapped
Date:	Mar 22 19:57
Author:	heimatlos
Mail Address:	`heimatlos2002@yahoo.com`

Dear Michelle
I know exactly how you feel. When my mother found out that I got inactive she told me I was evil. She hurt me so much that I couldn�t talk to her for a long time. I let the children or my husband answer the phone when I knew it was her for months. My children thougt it strange and I�m sorry that I put it on them, but I was to fragile myself to listen to somebody who tore me down. And as my mother, I took her seriously.
But after that time we both started to talk to each other again, and she decided that the relationship is more worth to her than her trying to get me back into the fold. We just don�t talk about church-things anymore and now I�m her best friend, the one she talks to, when she feels down.
Don�t worry, when you are grown up, your parents need you more than you need them. Even if they are very angry with you for a short time, they will most probably recover.
Don�t stay in a church that makes you feel unhappy. It will not only hurt you but your children and your husband, too, in the long run.
For me since I�m being honest with myself and others I can be a better person.
Greetings and good luck to you!

Subject:	You must realize...
Date:	Mar 22 20:46
Author:	L. O. Him
Mail Address:

that if there is a god and he gave you your life, it's the only one your going to get. It is yours. You have a right to live it as you wish. Would he be happy that you wasted it in misery? And then passed the same on to your children. I think not. I've come to realize that freedom and mormonism don't mix. You can only appreciate the freedom of this wonderful country if you are truly free. That's why the founders of this country were careful to seperate chruch and state. Get free. Be free. Enjoy what life you have left.

Subject:	best thing we ever did
Date:	Mar 22 21:17
Author:	msmom
Mail Address:	`msmom@mediaone.net`

was to get our little ones out before they cared one way or the other. They are awesome young adults and teenagers today. Even my mormon friends think they are terrific!

You are in good company here. Warm wishes to you as you figure out what to do.

Subject:	"To thine own self be true".....
Date:	Mar 22 23:30
Author:	Helen
Mail Address:

>>The time I spend on callings, meetings, activities, etc.......I could be spending with my family. Something doesn't seem right about that. I just told my husband how I feel and I knew I could because he feels the same way.>>

It isn't right that you don't have the time with your family because of meetings, activities, callings. The saddest thing is to hear grown children say, "My parents never had time for me because the Church took all their time."

My wake up call for leaving the Church was having our daughter. I knew I would not and could not teach her Mormon Doctrine. I could not teach her something I did not believe and we knew we wouldn't let the Church teach her. That is when we left the Church. We have had no regrets.

She has been and is a wonderful daughter. Everyone who meets her loves her. Was always on the honour role, speaks two other languages, volunteers for a dog rescue group, has a full time job, well you get the idea. Today she is married to a great man, she is happy, confident, has a good sense of herself, is compassionate, is considerate, has a great sense of humour.....and all without the Mormon Church or being raised in any Church for that matter. Religion does not have a monopoly on raising happy emotionally healthy children. Blowing our horn here...toot, toot....but our son-in-law told our daughter, "I just love how your parents have raised you."

Of course we were converts and don't have the family ties to Mormonism like you do.

>>But I also know that if I left the church my entire family would disown me. I know that some of you would respond to that by saying if they truly loved you they would accept your decision.>>

Sadly some parents do disown their children who leave the Church. Sadly too that even though they love you they can't separate that from the Church. The Church is the measuring stick for everyhting in thier lives, everything. Either way there will be some loss ,"price to pay", but will the price be too high to raise your children with something their parents don't believe? Will the price be too high if you can't be true to yourself?

And who knows, maybe you even have some family members that are "acting" too but haven't shared that they don't believe either. One thing we do well as Mormons is wear masks and play roles because the script is already written.

>>I think it is time I realize the good person that I am.>>

Yep, you are a good person.

You don't have to make every decision today. Just take it a step at a time. Good luck Michelle.

Subject:	My kids are good too, like Helen's, but we were not converts n/t
Date:	Mar 23 00:00
Author:	Dark Sparks
Mail Address:	`dxolson@aol.com`

Subject:	Just affirm that they are missing out on a wonderful family member . . .
Date:	Mar 23 00:12
Author:	Free At Last!
Mail Address:

It is their loss! Ah, the problems with such a crazy church. Feel sorry for them because I am sure that you are such a wonderful daughter and friend. It is really their loss more than it is yours.

p.s. And pray for them, they need it.

Subject:	Actually, you are experiencing freedom for the first time
Date:	Mar 23 00:35
Author:	jolimont
Mail Address:	`jolimont@hoodles.com`

You decide what's best for you. It's an awful feeling at first, but well worth it. I think the first year was particularly uncomfortable with my in-laws, but we're back to normal warm relations now and they know we ain't coming back. Our strategy was much like what Dark Spark recommends: fading out. We took advantage of a move and told the new neighbors we hadn't attended church for a long time. That wasn't true, we were still attending in the old ward, but it was easier than telling the folks we knew and liked that we were done with the church. 2.5 years later we still accept home teachers and visiting teachers and the deacons knock on the door every fast Sunday to collect fast offerings, but that's the extent of our involvment. We will probably de-wussify some day and tell them to stay home, but we're not ready yet. The point is you do what you think is best, and you remember that YOU are in charge. Welcome to the BB!

Subject:	Michelle, I am about your age and was where you are now..
Date:	Mar 23 00:56
Author:	MorganA
Mail Address:

a couple of years ago. All I can say is that the first year is a little tough, but if you hang in there everything really calms down a lot. My husband and I left together and I really never thought I would actually have my name removed out of fear of the family etc. But a few days ago our letter came in the mail and I felt a great sense of relief. The key is creating a new identity for yourself. One that does not include Mormonism. I just do not look at myself, My husband, or my kids as Mormon. And surprisingly the more relaxed and confident you are in your decision, the more accepting other people are. I did it all in one fell swoop. It was just the right thing for me. I made the adjustment later!

The great news is that my husband and I and the kids are VERY close and have some wonderful Sundays together. I know my kids are really going to benefit more from being outside of the Church, than their Mormon cousins in Utah.

I decided to choose to maintain a belief in God but have more looslely defined this for myself. We attend a Methodist Church and the kids really love it and I enjoy the traditions that accompany this. We go when we feel like it, usually about 1 - 2 times a month.

Freedom is great! There is nothing like the weight lifted when you finally see how ridiculous that belief system is. My husband and I were both returned missionaries, temple married etc. If we can do it, anyone can!

I could go on and on here about the benefits. The greatest of them being the fact that you are listening to your inner self and what YOU need. Dont' ignore this. It is the essense of who you are.

I would love to keep in touch with you. Let me know if you want to exchange email.

Good luck! And remember, DON'T BE AFRAID! We naturally don't want to disappoint our parents, but the expectation is theirs, not yours. I have been lucky as my mom left and posts here. But my Dad, brother and the entire super TBM side of my husband's family are all very much still in and "disappointed" we left. We just laugh at them! It is so sad to me that they have to live their lives with such artificial motivation.
jolimont wrote:
> You decide what's best for you. It's an awful feeling at first, but well worth it. I think the first year was particularly uncomfortable with my in-laws, but we're back to normal warm relations now and they know we ain't coming back. Our strategy was much like what Dark Spark recommends: fading out. We took advantage of a move and told the new neighbors we hadn't attended church for a long time. That wasn't true, we were still attending in the old ward, but it was easier than telling the folks we knew and liked that we were done with the church. 2.5 years later we still accept home teachers and visiting teachers and the deacons knock on the door every fast Sunday to collect fast offerings, but that's the extent of our involvment. We will probably de-wussify some day and tell them to stay home, but we're not ready yet. The point is you do what you think is best, and you remember that YOU are in charge. Welcome to the BB!

jolimont wrote:
> You decide what's best for you. It's an awful feeling at first, but well worth it. I think the first year was particularly uncomfortable with my in-laws, but we're back to normal warm relations now and they know we ain't coming back. Our strategy was much like what Dark Spark recommends: fading out. We took advantage of a move and told the new neighbors we hadn't attended church for a long time. That wasn't true, we were still attending in the old ward, but it was easier than telling the folks we knew and liked that we were done with the church. 2.5 years later we still accept home teachers and visiting teachers and the deacons knock on the door every fast Sunday to collect fast offerings, but that's the extent of our involvment. We will probably de-wussify some day and tell them to stay home, but we're not ready yet. The point is you do what you think is best, and you remember that YOU are in charge. Welcome to the BB!

Subject:	I was in the exact same situation. I didn't believe for most of my
Date:	Mar 23 13:03
Author:	GrantK
Mail Address:

life and I was stunned when I heard myself oneday say, out loud, that I didn't believe the BofM. Even then I was terrified because my wife still believed and I strongly suspected I would lose her and the kids if I told her. And so for the sake of my family I came to the conclusion that I would go the rest of my life living a lie rather than run the risk of losing my family. Fortunately, after several years, my wife came to the decision on her own, that the Church wasn't true. So we stopped attending.

Its been two years since we left (by the way, we live in Highland, UT) and I can honestly say that the last two years have been the happiest and most spiritually rewarding two years of my life. Each Sunday we take the kids on little adventures here in UT and have a wonderful time.

It hasn't been easy though. All of our relatives are TBM. They all think we have made a terrible mistake. My dad wrote me a letter implying that I never wanted to be part of the family and that I was a coward. It hurt a great deal but at the end of the day I thought "Am I going to teach my children to devote their lives to a lie simply because my dad calls me a coward? And wouldn't I in fact be proving him right if I stayed in a religion I knew to be a fraud? And what about all the family and friends who also don't believe the Church is true but are afraid to admit it? Don't I have an obligation to show them the way demonstrating my courage and standing up for truth?"

Anyway, all I can really say is that the road less traveled is not easy but its worth it. I will forever be proud of the fact that I finally had the courage to take it.

GrantK

ps My oldest is having her eight birthday today and my inlaws are coming over. Yesterday my wife told them we won't be baptising her. If you're interested I will let you know how it turns out.

Subject:	I'd love to know how the no-baptism bomb shell goes over. /NT
Date:	Mar 23 17:56
Author:	jolimont
Mail Address:	`jolimont@hoodles.com`

Subject:	Re: I feel trapped reply
Date:	Mar 23 08:40
Author:	al
Mail Address:	`nostuh99@aol.com`

to reply to your post on being trapped. The things the LDS
teach as their peculiar theology is false and I am a member
and I teach in the elders quarum classes on Sunday. I have
baptised several into the lds church and conducted many
baptisms and wish I hadn't brought anyone into the lds.
At first they claimed to be the only true church and all
the rest were false but that stance didn't play well and
turned off those Christians they would like to evangelize
threw their missionary program. So, they'll play this down
as they want to be seen as Christians. Recently in Church
the word came down from their leadership to not refer to
themselves as Mormons or to Mormonism but only th refer to
their adopted name. I could go on and on with details etc.
but the lds was founded by JS and his inside group with the
power of a familiar spirit as a counterfeit to Christianity.
Joseph Smith Jr. opened the door with his dabbling in the
occult and mystisism, i.e. JS dabbling the sacrificial blood
of a slain goat on the ground while he invokes the spirit
of this earth that would guard buried treasure he claimed
to be able to see up to 50 foot below the earth. Whats
happening now is the truth is coming out and they are losing
membership and when that happens they lose their precious
tithing which is partially what their missionary program is
really all about. Oh, heads up to all Christians, the lds
want to be the only church during the end times which they
mean during the millenium 1000 years...They don't realize
they have opened the door and primed the church universal
which is not the body and Church of Jesus Christ but to
quote their own scripture its the church of the adversary
who was dispelled out of God's presence as we read in the
Holy Bible.
Michelle wrote:
> I have been a member all my life. I am 32 years old. I hate to admit it, but I have never believed in the things the church tells us we must believe in. Joseph Smith, The Church is True, Prophets, Book of Mormon etc, etc. And as scary as it is for me to say it out loud, I have never believed in God. As much as I have tried to believe, it has never happened. I do believe in being a good person and many of the positive teachings of the church. But I also know that if I left the church my entire family would disown me. I know that some of you would respond to that by saying if they truly loved you they would accept your decision. As true as that may be, I know they would never accept it and would hound me for years. I feel so TRAPPED. It seems so weird to say that I feel like a prisoner in my religion. I am very involved in the church and wish I wasn't. The time I spend on callings, meetings, activities, etc.......I could be spending with my family. Something doesn't seem right about that. I just told my husband how I feel and I knew I could because he feels the same way. He has been playing the game for the past 10 years just to mame me happy. He knows what would happen if my parents and family knew the way we felt. So I guess I was really admitting it to myself and not him. It was so scary to say it aloud. But I felt a sense of relief. I just don't know what to do next. All I know is that I don't want my children to grow up with the stress of being LDS. I never felt good enough or happy about my life. The church makes us feel like we have so much to improve on. I think it is time I realize the good person that I am. But I know the minute I leave the church, my phone will be ringing off the hook, people will be coming to my door and everyone will seem so confused as to why I made this awful decision. Because I played the part of a good LDS woman well. Noone would ever know that I don't believe. And that makes me wonder how many other people are good actors like me. I wish someone out their had the answer, but I know that there may not be one. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for the opportunity to share what has been in my heart for years.

Subject:	Gradually take the church less seriously--many members take this route
Date:	Mar 23 08:47
Author:	Oregon
Mail Address:

I'm in a similar situation and don't see a way out any time soon.

However, I have taken steps to limit church involvement. We have lots of family time. We spend most nights home together. We miss many of the firesides, stake, and other meetings. We are involved with many outside non-member friends. We go on vacations frequently, and while away often skip meetings.

You know, come to think about it, our approach is very common among Mormons. For instance, you will notice this Sunday many will be away for Spring Break.

Logic would suggest if many of your ward members go somewhere else, then the people from "somewhere else" who are also on vacation should be visiting your ward. But they never do.

Perhaps a lot of the Mormons are not only taking a vacation from work, but also a vacation from church.

I know when we travel, I try to arrange things so that we're coming home on Sunday and therefore have to miss church.

Implement little tactics like these every chance you get, and before long you'll notice the pressure from the church to be much less.

I suspect a person could go on like this for years.

Personally, I would venture to say this is the way perhaps a majority of lifelong members deal with the church.

Subject:	It bugs me when people say, "There are positive things about the church"...
Date:	Mar 23 08:57
Author:	kymba
Mail Address:

it bugs me because people who say it- like you- are missing a MAJOR POINT. (I am not holding the blame for this over your head, I've known plenty of LDS people, and I thoroughly believe it is entriely NATURAL to want to find positive experiences in something which is clearly NOT positive, but was very much a part of your "world".)
There isn't anything positive in the church (let me finish), unless there is something you can think of which does not have its "positive" roots in mormon guilt, spiritual extortion, or fear of familial/social pressure.
I'm nevermo, but I've been reading posts on this board for three years- NEVER have I read a "positive points of the LDS church" thread where the "positives" were actually, really- plusses.
EVERY "good moral value" that the church inspires is @ BEST also found in other faiths as well as without religious faith entirely, and @ worst, the "good moral value" is used as a point of repression- as in not masturbating. How great a PR dept/ the church must have that it can take a topic like normal, healthy, teenage sexual action and make it EVIL and WRONG and a sign of LESS worth.
What the hell?

Sorry, I don't mean to go off on a tangent, but you DID write that you are faking this whole faith thing- lying to your family- etc. and yet you also suggest that there is GOOD in all that.
I don't see it, I NEVER see it when posters here echo that sentiment, and I can promise you that nine out of ten nevermos (maybe more) don't see it- although they may not come right out and announce that fact.

This is to say- your choices are understandable (again, I know plenty of Mormo-fied families to understand WHY people keep playing the game), but I would hope that the few posters on this board who say that there are "positive" things about being in the church would gather up some self esteem and realize where the positiveness is REALLY COMING FROM.
(IOW, look in the mirror - not to the church.)
Mormons often devalue their own basic comprehensions of "positve"ness, likely because they've spent too many years in church hearing, "You cannot lifve righteously without the church! You cannot parent correctly without the church! You cannot trust your own moral conscience without the church! You cannot find better values anywhere- not on tv, not on the radio, not in the outside world, the outside world is fallen, the church is perfect! You cannot function on your own=- your values and validity are tied up within the church system!"
People hear this pantload all their lives, in one form or anotehr. It may cause them to believe that the church has good values, and that without all its positiveness that all members may have gone astray- but that's not true. Ask any of the millions of nevermos who live honest, genuine lives- who don't have to hide their faith feelings from family.
Ask THEM about "positive" things in their own lives. Then take them to the temple, where they won't be able to get in, and take them to the past, pre-1978, when blacks couldn't hold the priesthood, then take them to the gay people today who are living pain-infested lives due to their "lack of worth in the pre-existence".
EVERYTHING about the LDS chuch is show- it's appearances. There is nothing of actual VALUE except materially.
EVERY happy family in the church would be happy outside of it- probably more so.

:)

Good luck in your journey.

Subject:	the cult factor
Date:	Mar 23 11:45
Author:	anona
Mail Address:

After reading kymba's reply to you(she has wonderful insight because she has not been "programmed") I wanted to let you know that the cult thing is actually true. At church we so vehemently denied being a cult--But the lds church is just that. You need to remember that a lot of the guilt and fear that you are experiencing is because of the mind control tactics that are in gear everyday of you churchy existence. This isn't paranoia or sci-fi, either. It is psychology. Take a few steps back and you will start to see it for what it really is.

Subject:	Yeah! what the Kymba said!
Date:	Mar 23 14:46
Author:	Lilith
Mail Address:

That is what I have been trying to find a way to say for two years here as well-- as token nevermos...The good that you say is in the church is IN YOU...You are not going to leave it on the temple doorstep....And it is in the rest of us out here in the nonMormon world as well. Surprise!!!

Subject:	Re: I feel trapped
Date:	Mar 23 11:21
Author:	anona
Mail Address:

I'm glad to hear that you have finally started being honest with yourself and your husband. You are very fortunate that he agrees. This is where you take back your life. Believe me, honey, life is shorter than you think. It is also a lot more beautiful outside the morg. Worth every moment of awkwardness with your family. I left with my family several years ago and am so glad that I got my kids out before they were baptised. I have them in Taekwondo and they are learning to find the 'center within themselves' that will carry them through many conflicts in their future. I just wanted to offer a little bit of encouragement that you CAN make the change. Especially if your husband is by your side. Remember that this life is your own. You are responsible to yourself, your kids, your husband and that is pretty much it. And I believe with all my heart that marriages and children are a lot healthier free of the warped way of the church. You can be free. Just start outwardly behaving as you inwardly ache to. This is your true self talking to you and you will be much more at peace when the two are finally in harmony. Good luck in you efforts.

Subject:	I had a lot of the same fears as you when I left.
Date:	Mar 23 14:24
Author:	imaworkinonit
Mail Address:

I came from a very devout LDS home. My parents would make negative comments about people who had "unorthodox" views and expressed them. People who criticized leaders were "on the high road to apostacy". TV shows that had any sexual innuendo were immediately turned off. They always had to comment if they saw someone "immodestly" dressed, or engaging in some "inappropriate" behavior. To put it simply, I think my parents are rather judgemental.

So naturally, I feared how they would react when I started doubting. I remember at one point thinking that I would have to move away and cut off contact because surely they would never accept me and it would be too painful to maintain a relationship.

I was also afraid that we would be shunned by neighbors and that people wouldn't let their kids play with mine.

But people have surprised me. My parents, and neighbors have been surprisingly accepting and tolerant. It's really hard to predict how someone will react to the news, but I've been very lucky. All you can do is to break the news gently.

With good friends and family, I started out with something like. "I have something important to tell you and you won't like it . . . are you sitting down?" Then they can feel relieved when you tell them that you just don't believe, instead of telling them something REALLY bad like you are going to die in two weeks.

I avoided criticizing their beliefs directly. I tried to phrase things in terms of my own beliefs and experiences and not state things like "the Mormon church is a cult", or "the church is false".

I let my feelings show. I let them know how upsetting it was to me to stop believing. I shed a few tears when expressing my feelings and beliefs (Mormons respond well to tears, LOL!).

Then I just avoided the subject. I didn't tell them that we stopped going completely. Or that I stopped wearing garments, or anything else related to our new beliefs. And they didn't ask. But I do express my opinions or feelings when things come up. And recently, I told my mom that I gave up on the Book of Mormon.

And just yesterday, I told my parents that we won't be baptizing my daughter. It was hard. I had avoided the discussion for months but finally decided that I really should bring it up since it's our daughter's 8th b-day today. I told them that I felt absolutely sure that we are doing the right thing, and that we'll be okay, and our kids will be okay. Sure, they are worried and disappointed, but they'll be okay.

As far as the ward goes, we just got released from our callings and went inactive over the course of a couple of months. We did the fade out thing. We didn't talk to anyone but the bishop, children's teachers, and a couple of people who got wind of it from my kids' comments. If you are in some high-profile callings, then I'd suggest just telling them you need to take a break, and just start missing church more often until you are ready to fade out. Of course, you have to do what YOU feel comfortable with.

I was so freaked out with the whole thing, that I just didn't feel like I could discuss it. And I was so afraid of how people would react, that I just avoided the subject. I lived in constant fear that someone would ask me why I didn't go to church anymore, and THEN what would I SAY? It seems strange now, but those fears were so real then. Now, two years later, I'm quite open and comfortable about my inactivity. I even joke about it sometimes. And soon, I'll probably come "out" as a full-fledged heretic! But I'm taking it slow, letting myself and others adjust gradually to the way things are.

But until I started talking about it, there was always that fear that if they REALLY knew what I believed, they wouldn't accept me. So it has been liberating to be more open about it.

I suggest that you check out websites by Rick Ross and Steven Hassan about exiting cults. I found them to be insightful and helped me to understand my fears and self-doubts, and the social/psychological pressures that make it difficult for people to leave oppressive organizations.

Recovery from Mormonism - www.exmormon.org

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