Posted by: vasalissasdoll ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:30PM
It started almost immediately when my son turned 2...does anyone else
still get this?
So far, I've tried being nice, being vague, saying "oh, I hope
sometime soon", and changing the subject.
What hurts most is that I'd like another child...either by blood or
adoption. I can't go around telling that to ever random well-meaning
person who asks, though.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally had it. MIL, who has been pressuring
us to stay in Idaho, asked, and I explained, in detail, that because
of surgery, blood tests, medication, shots, etc, my son was a $10,000
baby. The only reason we'd been able to have him was because of really
excellent insurance in CA. With the job DH has now, we'd have to spend
several thousand dollars out of pocket before insurance really kicked
in, and then we'd have a limit. The blood thinners I'd need to get on
to avoid another miscarriage were somewhere around $60 per shot
alone,so she could either have us stay here, or have another
grandchild, take her pick.
It must have gotten around, because no one's said a peep to me about
it since.
Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:34PM
Ugh... how offensive. I don't have kids because my husband got snipped during his first marriage. He got the snipping reversed, but was unable to get me pregnant. I get questions all the time about why I don't have kids or comments about how I can end up a mom. It seems wrong to have to explain to people the very personal reasons why I'm not a parent. It's not that I didn't want to be. Sometimes I think people need to have some sense knocked into them with a very blunt answer or an old fashioned "none of your business".
Posted by: janebond462 ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 08:16PM
who asked that question was "9 months after Hell freezes over". First
husband's grandmother did not take kindly to that answer.
Anyone who knew me knew better than to ask that question. I had a baby
4 yrs after DH#2 & I married and even then, I wasn't sure I was cut
out for the mothering thing for another 6 months.
Posted by: ginger ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:42PM
That is so rude. I have three kids and we're done. My DH got snipped a year ago after I had our third. People still ask us, well are you going to try for a girl? We have three boys. No matter what, people will always ask it seems.
Posted by: LochNessie ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:48PM
I was a married mormon women with no kids. It was okay when it had
only been a year or two, but after that comments start. The rude as
hell comments. "How many kids do you have." "None, oh how long have
you been married." When I would reply 5 years, or six years, then
seven years....most women would literlly turn on their heels and walk
away from me, but some would comment like, "don't you want kids." "I
know a good fertility doctor." "Have you looked into church social
services."
Mostly I got completely ignored. I wasn't fulfilling my purpose on
earth so in mormon eyes I wasn't worth anything. Believe me I could
write a book about how childless women are treated in tbm land.
Glad they're leaving you alone lately. No one deserves that personal
intrusion. Nosy bitches.
Posted by: LongTimegone ( )
Date: July 10, 2011 07:14AM
Vasalissasdoll, I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriages. That's
more than enough grief without thoughtless, nosy hens asking intrusive
questions that amplify your hurt.
I've told this story here before, but it's been a few years.
We had a miscarriage with our first pregnancy and were never able to
get pregnant again. I already was hurting so much and the thoughtless
comments from the ward braintrusts cut deep.
Was I worried about ruining my figure or too focused on my career, or
were we too worldly and selfish to want to be burdened by a baby. I'd
like to think if she and the other ward gossips had any clue what we'd
been through to try to have a baby, they might have STFU, but I'm
being generous in attributing any common sense or decency to them.
No matter what I said or how many times I said it, they were
relentless with the grilling and with the snarky comments. One Sunday
after Fast and Blubbermony meeting, one of the hens asked (yet again)
why I wasn't pregnant.
She chose unwisely. I'd had enough and when she asked the question, my
answer was to ask her right there in the chapel what her favorite sex
position was. The precious priss was shocked and embarrassed, and I
let the silence hang there for a couple of seconds. I then smiled all
pretty and friendly-like and said, "Oh, aren't we playing that
ask-each-other-inappropriate-questions game?"
None of them ever asked me again, and Sister Priss avoided me until we
moved (which totally broke my heart <sarcasm>).
I've found when more gracious methods of drawing and maintaining
(okay, enforcing) boundaries fail, a shocking object lesson designed
specifically for the recipient drives the point home.
Be kind to yourself and do what you think and feel is right for you.
Posted by: Stray Mutt ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:49PM
"Hubby is going to give it to me hard and long and shoot me full of baby batter. Wanna come watch?"
Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 03:55PM
OMG... that is hilarious!
Posted by: lulu ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:20PM
Posted by: janebond462 ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 08:17PM
That is priceless!
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 04:07PM
My best friend from college only had one child. I've never asked her why. I figure that if she wanted to share something that was so deeply personal and private, she would.
Posted by: searching27 ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 04:14PM
Since the loss of my recent pregnancy, I have heard this more times than I care to recall. It is one of THE most ridiculous things people could ask probably ever. No matter what the situation. What business is it of anyone's how many, when and if you will have anymore. Talk about pressure.
Posted by: vasalissasdoll ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 04:50PM
It really is such a private thing.
Most people in my life don't know that I've had two early
miscarriages. The first was at around 14 weeks, and was when I was 19,
about 6 months after DH and I got married. The second was when we were
in a rough patch after my daughter. We had no insurance, and I was
working a job where I would have gotten fired if I hadn't been at
work. Even though it was much earlier, it was much more painful as
well.
When I had my son, we found out that I have a clotting disorder...it's
why I had both miscarriages, and almost died due to a clot in my leg
after I had my daughter. While I was pregnant with him, the specialist
I was seeing sat me down and told me that I'd been lucky with my
daughter, and needed to prepare myself for the possibility of loosing
my son at any time in the pregnancy. I gave myself shots twice a day,
and we had also additional weekly blood tests to make sure that a
protein that my husband and son both have didn't mean that my body
decided to attack the baby. The whole thing was no joke.
I'm not sure I can go through all that again, especially knowing now
that I could loose a child at any time if they have the same genetic
issues I do.
What's worse, MIL knows this...we were living with her for that
pregnancy. It hurts so much to keep having pressure, to have her say
"next thing you know you'll want another one" every time I hold my
infant niece. It's as if they can't believe that I want it, because
I'm not running out and risking my life in the name of "faith and
obedience", and it hurts horribly right now.
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 07:41PM
My mom had the same problem, Vasalissasdoll. She had a couple of
miscarriages as well. By the time she was pregnant with me, her doctor
had figured out what was going wrong. There was a nurse who lived on
our street who very kindly gave my mom her shots. For the rest of my
childhood, she was "Aunt Elsie." I used to frequently stop off at her
house after school for milk and cookies. :-)
My mom had hoped for four kids but settled for two. My brother and I
are very close to this day.
Posted by: The StalkerDog™ ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 04:56PM
The children you have NOW need you!
They do not need a misty memory of a saintly mom who gave up her LIFE
in the name of "faith and obedience"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom gets crapp alla time about not havin kids. Human kids, I mean.
One guy even said she was a waste of oxygen and goin to hell.
Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:02PM
The StalkerDog™ Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The children you have NOW need you!
>
> They do not need a misty memory of a saintly mom
> who gave up her LIFE in the name of "faith and
> obedience"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> My mom gets crapp alla time about not havin kids.
> Human kids, I mean. One guy even said she was a
> waste of oxygen and goin to hell.
I'd be tempted to give that guy a swift kick in the nuts for a crappy
comment like that. My dogs are my babies, too. They're rescues and
show me every day how much they need me and their "daddy".
To to OP, The StalkerDog is right. The kids you already have need you.
And it's nobody's business why you're not pregnant right now.
Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:22PM
After I almost died of a blood clot after my second c-section. I
desperately wanted 3 kids and my ob/gyn and two specialists all told
me to get my tubes tied. But being a good Morgbot, I had to ask the
bishop his opinion. Thankfully, I got one of the good men of the
church who told me, "If you were my daughter, I'd tell you that your
kids need a mother, more than they need another sibling." It made
perfect steps and we took permanent measures. I never regretted it.
Also, my mom had me then 5 miscarriages. She decided to adopt a baby
from Asia. The baby was 5 months old when my parents went to get her
and was scared of Caucasians. When she saw my mom for the first time,
my sister started bouncing and holding out her arms to my mom. Instant
recognition - like when you pick your kid up from the babysitter. My
mom's best friend adopted a baby from the same orphanage 2 years later
and he "recognized" her in the same way. My sister was a very bouncy
baby and several months after bringing her to America, my mom was
having trouble keeping sister still on her lap. My mom said "good
thing you didn't bounce like this when I was carrying you - it would
have been a very uncomfortable pregnancy." Everyone in the room looked
at her funny and mom said "What?", then realized what she had said.
She'd already forgotten that my Asian sister wasn't her birth child.
It made no difference. Your child is your child.
Good luck with whatever you decide because whatever it is will be the
right thing for YOU! Don't let them pressure you into a decision where
only you know what's right and what's wrong for you.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2011 05:22PM by CA girl.
Posted by: vasalissasdoll ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 06:13PM
Ca girl...that just made me cry my eyes out. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It just gave me a lot to think about.
Posted by: Stray Mutt ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:35PM
...you can tell them the Church Handbook of Instructions says the number and timing of children is =between the couple and the Lord, and that it's no one else's business.
Posted by: imaworkinonit ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:43PM
"WHAT??????"
"Excuse me . . . but did you just ASK me _________________?"
Put the spotlight on the question, but don't answer it.
Posted by: imalive ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 05:50PM
I'd personally yell, "IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! NOW HAVE A
NICE DAY!" I wouldn't do this in church, though.
Now, if I was in church, I'd say, "You are so FLIPPING, FREAKING RUDE
to ask me that question! Have a nice day!" then walk off.
Posted by: 3X ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 07:24PM
"So when are you getting pregnant again?"
"As soon as Heavenly Father fixes the cavity in my wisdom tooth. Until
then, He's out of luck ..."
Posted by: wine country girl ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 07:32PM
"I wouldn't dream of discussing something so personal. That's between me and my hubby."
Posted by: researching ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 07:45PM
I have never been able to get pregnant again in the ten years since my first two (twins) were born. I'm ok with it now, but for several years it was a real source of heartache. If anyone had asked me that, I don't know what I would have said or done. I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Posted by: MollieNomore ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 09:37PM
I have been there and done that also Vasilissa's Doll. 10 pregnancies
for 2 live births. Multiple daily shots and months of bedrest to have
my sons. We adopted our daughter. We know our birthmom and I was the
one to cut the cord and be there to coach her through our daughters
birth.
The day our daughter came home from the hospital my milk came in! I
hate breastfeeding- but my body KNEW that baby was mine and she was
hungry!
I kept waiting for something to feel different. I had given birth and
been pregnant. The moment that my baby girl was placed in my arms- SHE
WAS MINE. There was not a bit of difference in how I felt in
comparison to the two children that I had homegrown. The fierce
protectiveness/mama bear feelings were right there.
We have a completely open adoption and it is great. Our bmom told me a
few nights before baby girl was born that
" I am not giving her to you- I am giving you to her."
She gave me more than the gift of a beautiful child- The idiot way way
that racist mormons in our ward treated us made us look past the
brainwashing and we our OUT!!
FREE AT LAST__ FREE AT LAST!!
Posted by: vasalissasdoll ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 09:47PM
Thank you so much for sharing your story, MollieNoMore.
I think that with what people are saying...especially the comments by
you and CAgirl...it's feeling much less impossible to go for adoption.
I think I've always assumed that would just be too far out of our
price range and abilities to consider as anything other then a far-off
plan.
I also appreciate the comebacks everyone has shared. I really have
been putting up with something that was inappropriate, haven't I? I
don't have to leave these conversations feeling like I should
apologize for not having another baby yet!
Posted by: janebond462 ( )
Date: July 10, 2011 08:17AM
I looked into adoption when contemplating a second child. IN addition
to the tax deductions MollieNoMore mentioned below, there are groups
out there that provide grants or low or no-interest loans to defray
the adoption costs.
You may also consider adopting an older child (toddler-age and up).
There are many of these children within the state care system who are
available. I saw an interview with the actress Valerie Harper about
15-20 yrs ago where she was promoting older child adoptions. She & her
husband had adopted a 4-yr old girl through the state system. There
are often no costs for those adoptions as the state wants to find them
a permanent family.
Posted by: OzDoc ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 10:05PM
That is one of the most beautiful-and balanced comments about adoption I have ever heard. I loathe the concept of GIVING UP your child & the concomitant idea that the child is a commodity. Your daughter is a unique & independent individual whose life you are now going to share.Your birth mother sounds like a wise and principled person.Best wishes to you all.
Posted by: nwmcare ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 10:23PM
Interesting comments. Out here in NoMo land people often go in the
opposite direction--a second or third pregnancy often get the evil eye
and loud, nasty comments about financial obligations, environmental
concerns, overpopulation, etc.
Could it be that people just no longer have any clue as to what
constitutes good manners and what is acceptable converstation?
Posted by: MadameRadness ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 10:47PM
I was getting "those" questions a couple of months after I went
through a hellish pregnancy with my son. It was irritating, my kid
nearly died due to early delivery with eclampsia. To have people
suggest that I start getting busy again with the babymaking while my
son was barely out of the NICU was insulting beyond belief.
Usually, I just responded quietly with "wow, i'm really surprised that
you think that's an appropriate question to ask someone. How sad that
your parents never thought to teach you manners." Seeing their red
faces and shut mouths made up for me witnessing their lack of tact.
Posted by: MollieNomore ( )
Date: July 09, 2011 11:42PM
We REALLY neeeeeed a like or a LOVE this button for comments.
I love your response MadameRadness!
When I still gave a tinkers damn about the opinions of the idiots in
our ward/stake- it was hard to deal with the judgements and gossip of
the Mormon Telegraph. I am sure that they all thought that I was tough
or a "strong" woman. I cried many times over the ugly and hateful
things said to me and about my child.
My daughters birthmom is an amazing woman. Im thrilled that our
daughter is so much like her. Not only in her beautiful looks- but
with her tender heart and super quick mind and wicked sense of humor.
Adoption is expensive.. but children are priceless. Most states have
laws that require your medical insurance to reimburse at least 4500.00
of your adoption costs. Different companies also offer adoption
assistance as part of a benefits package. You are able to deduct up to
10k from your federal taxes in adoption costs in the year your
adoption is final. Our adoption was less expensive than either one of
our high risk/big drama pregnancies even with great insurance.
Posted by: transplant from texas ( )
Date: July 10, 2011 02:37AM
"well, i don't know myself, your son & i keep trying, trying, like
yesterday when we were on top of the kitchen table and then before
breakfast this morning, when we decided to use that chair to help prop
my legs up (as this point gesture to where she's sitting) but we still
cant seem to make a baby, we're thinking this afternoon of trying the
kitchen counters, tell me more about ways you & FIL have sex."
she will hopefully drop dead or at least faint.
Posted by: mollymormonfaker ( )
Date: July 10, 2011 08:28AM
We had 100% insurance coverage then. We don't have any now. People ask
us all the time when we're going to try for our second, and we tell
them "As soon as you give us $25,000+ to cover the costs, we'd be
happy to try.". It shuts them up really fast, and permanently!
I'm sorry you have to go through that, Vasalissasdoll! I know it's
hard.
Some of the response comments on here are great. Thanks for the ideas!
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