By Eric Kettunen

Webmaster - exmormon.org

It helps to understand why recovery from Mormonism is often painful work and takes time for many of us, in most cases, several years. The Mormon church uses thought reform techniques that have been proven effective by other high control organizations. I normally do not use the term "cult", as that immediately turns off the prospective ex-Mormon, an individual who is beginning to think for himself or herself. No one likes to think of themselves as having been duped into becoming a cult member. I hope the term cult is not offense to readers here. The Mormon church claims to be the One True Church. Mormonism is not just another religion. Mainstream religions do not make such a claim, only cults make that claim in my opinion.

I do advocate any particular religious belief. I perhaps best express my religious belief today as a 'hopeful agnostic'. Religion and religious belief is a personal quest. Authoritarian religious groups minimize the importance of the individual in his or her own personal search for truth. These groups have all the answers and members must think and believe within the guidelines given by those in authority.

To know what tools were used against you to minimize your own distinctive personality, is invaluable in recovery. This is an exciting time - to recover from being a Mormon and discover your personalities apart from the group think of Mormonism.

As a preface, I would like to state that no where in the book is any religion mentioned by name. The author of the book uses the term 'religious addiction'. I believe it applies very well to Mormonism.

Inability to think, doubt, or question information and authority

Black-and-white, simplistic thinking

Shame-based belief that you aren't good enough or you aren't doing it right

Magical thinking that God will fix you

Rigid obsessive adherence to rules or guidelines

Uncompromising judgmental attitudes

Unrealistic financial contributions

Believing our bodies or physical pleasures are evil

Manipulating scripture or texts, feeling chosen, claiming to receive special messages from God

Belief that only 'our' church had the right way

Reading only approved scripture

Adult children of religious addicts overreact to changes over which they have no control.

Much of religious addiction and abuse revolves around control. Things and concepts are kept orderly, with everything it its place. There are no questions or doubts. The safety of black-and-white thinking is that it eliminates the hazards of making a wrong choice, of making mistakes, and not of being perfect. You cling to rules and become rigidly scrupulous in order to feel safe. You fear questions or conflicting information, because everything you have been brought up to believe is right might be proven wrong.

Your self-esteem and confidence are rooted in acceptance and approval by God, the church, and other people. You are codependent on religion.

All your life you were told you were different. You were the chosen, the sanctified, the blessed, the people of God.

One of the messages that children of religiously addicted parents learn is the need to be loyal. This message also enables the cycle of control to continue. Since being disloyal is seen as a sin, harmful incidents that happen within the family or church are kept secret within the family system.

One reason it is difficult to have fun is because everything was so serious and frightening. The constant injunctions to beware of the sinful - and the confusion that arose out of those so-called sinful things being fun - take the simple pleasures of life. Living in the moment is difficult for all children of dysfunction, but it is especially difficult for the children of religious addicts. After all, from infancy, you are preparing for the next life.

The excessive emphasis on outward behavior is a heavy burden for anyone to bear, and it becomes especially difficult for young people who hear more about holiness than they do about love and forgiveness.

Learning to be "yourself" is difficult. You were given rigid rules of conduct and rigid ways of thinking. All addictions signal a dysfunctional relationship with oneself. When our relationship with ourselves is unhealthy, we cannot have healthy relationships with anyone else: spouse, children, friends, co-workers. In religiously addicted families there are certain common denominators: rage, judgmentalness, rigidity, perfectionism, sexual dysfunction, control, manipulation, and at the core of it all, a pervasive sense of inadequacy and lack of self-worth.

Religious addicts live by many dogmatic rules; this is how they try to control the uncontrollable. Religious codependency is the result of trying to coexist with these rules. Religious addicts manipulate with guilt. Who dares not to side with God? How can wanting your family to reap the rewards of heaven [or the Celestial Kingdom] be abusive? When there is no balance, when religious addicts give their families no choice, when there is no room for differing opinions and beliefs, it becomes abuse. When they restrict their families' lives, continuing to force them into a belief system under threat of rejection, punishment, or abandonment, it becomes abuse.

Peace at any price

Maintain conspiracy of silence

Never quit

Never discuss feelings

Try to appear normal

In most cases the purpose of social conditioning it to promote and encourage a child to become an autonomous adult, or to train and educate a person to function fully as a responsible adult in a particular organization or society such as the military. Cults by contrast, use manipulation, deception, and exploitative persuasion and control to induce dependency, compliance, rigid obedience, stunted thinking, and childlike behavior in their members.

Robert Lifton first used the term thought reform in the 1950s to describe the behavioral changes he observed and studied in students at revolutionary universities in Communist China and in prisoners of was during the Korean War. Lifton's classic work, "Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism", remains one of the most helpful resources for those coming out of a cult environment. Lifton outlines the psychological techniques used to impose what he calls a state of ideological totalism. He describes this as a process of the coming together of the individual self and certain ideas, or the melding of the individual with a particular set of beliefs. It is a rather surefire formula: immoderate individual character traits plus an immoderate ideology equal totalism - a world of extremes. And writes Lifton, "where totalism exists, religion, a political movement, or even a scientific organization becomes little more than an exclusive cult."

1. Millieu control, or the control of communications and information. This sets up what Lifton calls "personal closure", meaning that the person no longer has to carry on inner struggles about what is true or real. Essentially, this prevents any time being spent on doubts.

2. Mystical manipulation, or the claim of authority - divine, supernatural, or otherwise. The person is required to subordinate himself to the group or cause and stops all questioning - for who can question "higher purpose?"

3. Demand for purity, which is essentially a black and white world-view. This creates a world of guilt and shame, where punishment and humiliation are expected. It also sets up an environment of spying and reporting on one another. Through submission to the powerful lever of guilt, the individual loses his or her own moral self.

4. The cult of confession, which is an act of surrender, or total exposure. The individual is now owned by the group. There is a loss of boundaries between what is secret (known only to the inner self) and what is known to the group or leader.

5. The "sacred science," whereby the group's doctrine is seen as the Ultimate Truth. Here no questions are allowed. This reinforces personal closure and inhibits individual thought and personal development. Experience can only be perceived through the filter of the dogmatic belief.

6. Loading the language, or use of jargon internal to - and only understandable by - the group.

7. Doctrine over person, which is denial of self and any perception other than the group's. The individual is remolded, the cult persona emerges, and the person's sense of integrity is lost.

8. Dispensing of existence, whereby the group is the ultimate arbiter [judge]. This creates an "us-versus-them" mentality and breeds fear in the individual, who sees that one's own life [or eternal reward] depends on a willingness to obey. Here is found the merger of the individual with the belief.

1. Controlling a individual's social and psychological environment, especially the person's time

2. Placing an individual in a position of powerlessness within a high-control authoritarian system.

3. Relying on a closed system of logic, which permits no feedback and refuses to be modified except by executive order.

4. Relying on unsophistication of the person being manipulated [that is the person is unaware of the process], and he or she is pressed to adapt to the environment in increments that are sufficiently minor so that the person does not notice changes.

5. Eroding the confidence of a person's perceptions.

6. Manipulating a system of rewards, punishments, and experiences to promote new learning or inhibit undesired previous behavior. Punishments are usually social ones - shunning, social isolation, and humiliation.

1. Learn about other groups and how they operate. I recommend the Watchtower - the JWs. They are one of the groups closest to Mormonism in manipulation and control of its members. A few of the early leaders like Rutherford make Boyd K. Packer look good by comparison. You can study them without emotional involvement. It will help you to see that Mormonism us not unique in employing tools of deception.

2. Be involved in a support group

3. Let a few close friends know of your involvement in Mormonism that were never Mormons. Freely discuss your feelings with those few you can trust. They will be interested, but not for hours at a time :-)

 4. Find a counselor familiar with high control groups or cults. They are rare. If the counselor understands living with an abusive spouse, that in most cases, is adequate to understanding cult membership.

Try, as much as possible to find some good in having been a Mormon. It is often helpful to approach the involvement as a developmental stage that was important, in ways both good and bad. We were cheated out of some development we would have experienced if we had not been Mormons. There isn't a readily apparent next stage for the former believer to move on to. You may be unaware of alternative approaches to spiritual and existential questions. This can be an exciting time to learn about new religions with an open mind.

I recommend, and with everything here please take very liberally, that no decisions should be made accepting a new religious path for the next 2-3 years after leaving Mormonism. I wish to emphasize the 2-3 years. This is the time to be selfish and learn and study for your self. You need not make commitments to anyone or to any organization. You are free. If you have a belief in God, he/she will understand why you need this time.

Learn to accept doubt and uncertainty. It feels uncomfortable at first. It will connect you to the rest of humanity.

Pick a few things you would like to do and do them with passion. I recommend something for your self only. It can benefit others, but serving others should not be the prime reason you are pursuing this activity. I became a soccer coach and became fanatical about flyfishing. I never played team sports and it was a challenge to coach a team and to learn to be a coach. It has been a ball. I bought a whitewater drift boat and acquired excellent flyfishing gear and took lessons. I went crazy (and still am) with the sport. Don't take any new interest or an old one that you can now rekindle, unless you are going to pursue it with zeal. Develop it with a passion. It will help to create a sense of wholeness and a sense of accomplishment completely unrelated to religion.

If we have been conditioned to accept the idea that wanting our own way is wrong, we will no longer make the choices ourselves, but will always acquiesce to others. We must insist that our families and friends allow our own time for our own activities and interests.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself if you experience flashbacks or the thought, "What if it really is true?" This is a common fear individuals have when leaving any group similar to Mormonism. My ex-JW friends seem to suffer from that question more than ex-Mormons.

Were the leaders accountable to the members?

Did the Mormon church want all or most of your time and expect excessive commitment?

Was guilt the prime motivator in your activities?

Were you taught to think for yourself or only Mormon approved thoughts?

Was the church always honest to you about its history and doctrines?

Are the majority of the members really happy being Mormons?

Were women considered equals to men?

Were non-members allowed to your temple wedding?

Did you have a pessimistic worldview as a Mormon?

Did you enjoy the many hours of meetings each week?

Did you have many close intimate friends in the church or did you have to be careful what you said to whom at church? Did you fear expressing your true feelings on things?

Could you ask probing questions in class or to leaders?

Can you remember the contents of many sacrament meetings or only of a few?

Did you enjoy having your private life invaded through priesthood interviews?

You can easily expand this list. Make a listing of your experiences and see if you really want those things in your life again.

Alcohol is a controversial topic among some ex-Mormons.

Those who left Mormonism and have not dealt with the hurt or may still harbor some belief in Mormonism have a tendency toward alcohol abuse. I have met many who went absolutely wild immediately after Mormonism with drinking and drugs. It was 'experimental' and a rush. The first year or so after Mormonism is the most vulnerable time, in my opinion, for excess in drinking. Learning and knowing without doubt that Mormonism is a cruel hoax, will free you from some potential problems with alcohol. This is overly simplistic. We are all unique so I can not make a hard and fast rule. Be careful. Alcohol is abused when it is used to cover hurt or pain in my humble opinion. It is also a joy to have a glass of wine with dinner or have a beer with friends. Take time and be careful with alcohol.

This is an exciting time in your lives. You are learning to discover yourself, your passions and who you are apart from what the Mormon church said you should be. Enjoy this time of discovery. Many of you have already commented how you feel so much more connected to humanity and have a greater love for others. Isn't great to feel connected with others knowing we are all in the same boat and no one has privileged knowledge or is greater than ourselves in connection to any higher power?