Story # 25 Husband and Wife as Bound
Story #25 Husband and Wife as Bound.
The husband and wife in this story were born in Utah, baptized into the church when 8 years old, but neither of their parents were active members. However, "truth and honesty, to work together as a family, to help others, to love and respect all people and to live and let live" had been taught. They met and fell in love. They had two daughters they loved dearly ...
Stage 1. Anxiety - Fear: "... then tragedy struck. Their oldest five year old daughter was killed instantly by a falling beam. They were devastated ... "our world had been turned upside down."
Stage 2. Trust - Agreement - Solution - "Yes:" They were fellowshipped into the church which was initiated by the Mormon tape Where we come from, why we're here, and where we go after this life. "It was every thing we wanted to hear, that our little girl was with her Heavenly Father and that someday we would be with her again. We knew nothing about any of this. We then became active members of the Mormon church."
Stage 3. Ambiguity - "Yes, But - If :" "We were told ... that ("Yes") if we would do all we were asked we could be with our daughter again. We could be an eternal family. ("But") If we did not do the things we were asked to do, we could not go where she would be, we could not be together as husband and wife, nor have our other daughter with us."
Stage 4. Reversal - Double-Bind - Killing What One Loves: "We were close to my parents. They were like our best friends. We wanted them to be with us after this life also. We talked to them about what we were being taught. They listened the first few times, but they did not take it as seriously as we did. We talked to some of the people in our ward and were told that some make it and some do not..
"We became more aggressive in talking with my parents. Finally they became angry and told us they didn't want anything to do with the church and that we were no longer welcome in their home if we kept preaching to them. Of course we immediately stopped talking to them about it. We were told by the members that sometimes you have to give up your family to do what the Lord wants you to do. We became less and less involved with my family. I look back on that now and it makes me sick and ashamed. My parents had given me all they had and I was turning my back on them.. We were so taken in by the love of the members in our ward that they became our family."
The Double-Bind:
If you choose your personal blood parents you go against the "spiritual" family membership, your adopted "brothers and sisters" in the church, and are labeled "Evil."
On the other hand, if you choose your "spiritual" family, renounce your true parents, becoming an "orphan" and adopted into the general family of the church, you are labeled "Good."
Blood and Spirit ... the Personal and the General ... stand back to back, apposed to each other. The Double-Bind first divides, and then, conquers one's human nature and Identity. It destroys the possibility of real love and caring for self and others through a Pattern of Dehumanization.
Stage 5. Denial / Blank-out / No-Mind - Silence - Obedience - Zig-Zag -Dehumanization: "... we started asking questions about things we didn't understand. Some questions were answered, but many others were not. We were told to live by faith and that someday we would understand. .... I was so caught up in trying to learn all that they were teaching me that I stopped asking questions and thinking for myself. That was a big mistake. I thought they knew what they were talking about and if I wanted to be with my family again I had better do what they said. ... I was starting to form an idea of who my father in heaven was and what he was like. I felt he was someone to fear. (Stage 6) .... We had put our many concerns and unanswered questions on the shelf and did not talk about them. ... Why was everything so secretive?
"We had total trust in our leaders and did all that they had asked of us without question. ...The pressure to be perfect was still a heavy burden to carry, but we gave it our all. We were told that if we had family prayer and family night that none of our children would go astray. Then one day I felt as if I had been hit right between the eyes. Our oldest daughter was a teenager. She was going through some of the same teenage pains that most of us feel. She was not always making good or right choices. My wife came to me one day crying. She said that she thought it was easier to lose a child in death than to lose one spiritually."
(Death was preferable - dehumanization.)
Stage 6. Acceptance of Binder's Projection - Accusation of Self - Guilt / Shame: "... one day my wife came home from Relief Society overwhelmed and crying. She said that there was no way she could do everything they wanted her to do. She had never said no to a calling. After all, we had been told that those callings came from God and he would not ask us to do anything that we could not do. She had tried so hard to be the perfect Mormon mother. Not long after that she had a nervous breakdown. We did not tell any one of our personal struggles. We thought our family just was not as good as others, so we were not being blessed."
(They continued to experience the tremendous pressures placed on them. Not being "human," they were never supposed to get tired, ill, or depressed, therefore, they must have "sinned."
(This is the stage when an awakening can emerge, when the "Open System" of reality once known but later denied, can resurface. (See first article.) It begins with a cessation of stressful activity, and in this case, coincided with the couple's retirement. Personal perceptions and feelings can now begin to be acknowledged and allowed to enter the mind ... to be able to question and think, again, as an individual.)
"The years went by and then upon retiring I stopped long enough to take a close look at the doctrine that had bothered me. .... Feelings that it was wrong came first. Then I set out to prove to myself that what I was feeling was wrong. .....To my surprise the more I studied and asked for help and talked with others the deeper the church got itself into trouble. I had been deceived. I was sick and hurt. I had been taught by my parents to be honest. I then went into more research costing considerable amount of money....but I had to know for myself. I felt because of my teaching in the church of temple marriage, eternal families, and eternal salvation I would loose allot. .... Little by little my wife started to look at the history of the church .... the church she had dedicated her very soul to was crumbling before her eyes. ... She went through such pain. ... She had also been taught by her parents to tell the truth, not half truths, but the whole truth. The church had not done that.
"I am at the point now that I have never been happier. Our lives are now free and we no longer carry all that guilt."
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Next Page: Story # 79 Husband and Wife as the Bound
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