Story #84 Wife/Daughter - Wife/Husband Bound
Story # 84 In Two Parts: Part 1. Wife and Daughter Bound. Part 2. Wife and Husband Bound.
Wife and Daughter Bound - Husband and Mother as Binders, reflecting the mind of the Binder/Church
In the first short paragraph of this story the authoress has described the essence of The Pattern up to Stage 7. It is a description of The Pattern as it is contained in a Binder/Bound marriage relationship. It also involves family/church relationships, i.e., how the LDS family members reflect the Binder's (Church's) mind and thereby become Binders themselves. This story shows how dehumanized human beings, in turn, dehumanize others, in the name of "righteousness," in order to "save" them from their "self-ish" choices.
Stage 1. No "Problem."
This daughter "... was born and raised in the Mormon church..." where having been allowed the choice of becoming a Mormon was not an issue. There were no "problems" to solve because Mormonism already had all of the answers. The answers to the identity of woman are contained in her early assigned roles as wife to her Priesthood holder husband, as well as mother to his children, and, thirdly, as a daughter of the Priesthood holder, her father. She, as an individual, is missing, and replaced with classified general labels. Her mother is a reflection of the Priesthood father's mind ... just as he reflects the Mormon leader's mind. The daughter is to be obedient to all three ... husband, father, and mother (but, to the latter, only if her mother continues to reflect the father's Priesthood-mind). All involved in this system are "reduced," and "simplified" into One Mind. There are no choices "necessary" in this Closed System. Individual choices in Mormonism are aberrations ... "exceptions," ... outside the "One Mind," are of the "enemy" ... to be silenced and abandoned.
"As I look back now, I can remember having questions about the way the church ran things but when I questioned, I was told NOT to question. "
Stage 2. Agreement - "Yes" to the Marriage Contract - Promises
"I got married for the first time in 1984, to a less active member, who promised to go back to church....."
Stage 3. "Yes, But..."
"... 2 weeks into the marriage, I found out that he was abusive. He hadn't been physically abusive, but I felt that it was not far behind. I was so scared I couldn't stay."
Stage 4. Double-Bind
"I tried to convey this to my family ... I tried to explain to them what was going on and because he hid it around my family, they chose to believe him instead of me."
If she chose to stay with her abusive husband she would be subject to more abuse; she would be guilty of making a choice against her Self and for the Abuser (Binder).
If she chose to leave her abusive husband she would be "guilty" of going against her Mormon family who approved of her husband ... she would be the "black" sheep "facing the wrong way" ... while her husband would be considered as one of the "white" sheep.
(Another way of seeing the Double-Bind is through the dual personality of the Binder ... that of the "Guardian Shepherd," and his enemy-self, the "Wolf Enforcer." The "Guardian" mantle is the visible aspect that the Binder shows to his flock, while the "Wolf" is the invisible aspect he reveals secretly. Members of the church are indoctrinated by this dual Binder to "see no evil," "hear no evil," and to "speak no evil," i.e., to see only his "Guardian" personality. The "Guardian" will always protect himself against exposure, and will "justify" any member of his flock who reflects the "Wolf" side of his personality ... as long as that member's actions are kept secret so as not to tarnish the "Shepherd" image. The result is that the offender is labeled "white," while the abused is judged guilty, and labeled "black.")
Stage 5. The "Guardian Shepherd" -- Obedience = Dehumanization -- Denial of Reality: "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil." -- "Yes, ... but, No...Yet IS, (or Will Be)."
"With their (her family's) disapproval, I got out of the marriage."
(This statement has far reaching ramifications. Her family's disapproval of her action showed a rejection, a refusal to see the "Wolf" aspect of her husband, that he had abused her; therefore, the reality that she would be subject to more abuse if she stayed with her husband was not allowed to exist in their minds. They were protecting the image of the "Guardian" by refusing to see evil. Her action to leave was in direct opposition to the expected obedience to the rationale of the Binder. She was making herself an "exception," an "outsider" to the single mind of the flock, the general Spiritual "Body" of the church; she was seeing herself as a human being who was experiencing Reality. This was her "dis-obedience." In Mormonism, humanness is denied indirectly through obfuscation, in a Zig-Zag pattern. "Yes," you are a human being, "But, No," ... your "true" identity is in the "Spiritual" Body and Mind of Mormonism. "Yet, you Will Be" ... "human" again ... in the "hereafter." In the meantime, your body, perceptions, and brain, are the "enemies" that must be overcome in this life.
(The "Yes, you are a human being," was the "milk" ... the label of " human considerations" that she was fed since birth, as a "child" and believed. The "But," was the hidden "meat" of human sacrifice that was too sacred for a "child" to digest. "Yet, you will be" is another promise that what you unknowingly sacrificed ... will be given back to you.
(In every area of life, the Binder thinks he can "eat his cake (of humanity) and have it too," i.e., to dehumanize, and yet, at the same time, expect the object he created to still be human. The Binder has license to kill, but the Bound must honor the laws of humanity ... towards him. The Binder creates a double standard, which creates another Double-Bind.
If the Bound, in this post, honors the laws of humanity (the milk) she steps
outside the Binder's law which says, "My ways (the hidden meat) are not your
ways (the milk)," and is judged by the "higher" laws of the hidden meat.
If she gives up her humanity (the "milk"), the Binder accuses her of not being "human," ... (for NOT living on "milk" ... for NOT seeing her husband as "only human," a "child," who needs "milk.") ... and is now judged by the laws of the "milk."
(The Double-Bind is a reflection of the dual mind of the Binder ("Wolf" -"Shepherd"). Since he lives with conflicting, Zig-Zag desires ("meat" or "milk"), he can never be satisfied ... something will always be missing ... the "Yes, but...". The hidden "Wolf" destroys what the "Guardian" professes to love; the public "Guardian" destroys the "Wolf" whom he professes to hate. "Back to back they faced each other, drew their (double-edged) swords and shot each other.")
Stage 6. The "Enforcer - Wolf" - Accusation - Binder's projection of his (their) guilt: "Not I, but YOU, are guilty." The disappearance of the "Yes," by the Binder, of the original Marriage Agreement ( Stage 2), or, "What Agreement?" "That was YOUR choice," (meaning, "NOT mine,") ... or, "I can't ... But, You can" ... the "Yes, But ..." of Stage 3.
"I tried to convey this (her husband's abuse) to my family and was chastised for not trying harder."
(This was another reversal of the guilt, belongingto the LDS binder-husband, projected by the parents to their daughter. The whole problem was "reduced" and "simplified" into a "character flaw" projected to the Bound ... that of "not trying harder" (more at being morally "lazy"). Through the omission, by the Binders, of the reality of the abuse ... SHE was accused of a sin of "omission," the lack of humane treatment towards HIM ... (which was the projection of HIS omission of HIS inhumane treatment of her). In short, the Binder says, "Not I, ... But, YOU" are to blame." ... or, ... "I am not out to get you." (The lie.) YOU are out to get me," (his paranoia). On the other hand, if the Bound sticks to the truth, the Binder accuses HER of being paranoid (mentally unbalanced), a projection of his disowned paranoia onto her, or, put in other words, he accuses her of polarizing... because she is not agreeing with him ... not "facing the same way." Assertive self-defense becomes aggression.
(To "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," i.e., to be "Blind, Deaf, and Dumb" ... is the way Mormonism keeps its members "pure," and as "little children;" if they should see, hear, and come to know, and thus speak, of evil (abuse), they are warned ( by threats), that they will become "evil," too ... with awful punishments to follow. For the Bound to see and KNOW, is the Binder's greatest fear! The Bound would see the dual personality of the God of Mormonism, and know His "Good" and "Evil" according to His Pattern ... that he faces BOTH ways ... back to back. The dual personality of the "Guardian/Wolf" would be revealed; the mask of the "Guardian" would be taken away, exposing this hidden God and His "Mysteries." The "Keys" to His Power, The Pattern, would be exposed, and like the Wizard of Oz, his means of control through fear over others would be found to have no substance in Reality. The Bound would no longer be bound, and could reclaim their own hearts, their own brains, and their own bodies .)
Threats and Intimidation - Demonized
"My mother warned me this would be a big mistake (to leave her husband), saying that the Mormon boys would assume that because I was married and had sex, that I couldn't go without it. I felt like used goods."
(Again, the emphasis is away from the husband, and towards the wife. She was being told that she should be concerned about what the "boys" (not men) would think about her ... implying that she was "used goods," ... an insinuation that she would be considered a "bitch" in "heat," i.e., "on the loose" and out of control, the connotation being that she would be considered a lewd, or immoral woman ... in short, demonized.)
Stage 7. Reduction to the Lowest Common Denominator - White is "Black," and Black is "White"- Abandonment - Punished, for Being Punished, "For your own Good."
This Bound wife was being painted "Black," and by ellipsis, the perpetrator husband was assumed to be "White." She was abandoned by her family, and so "punished for being punished" ( insults added to injuries). She was "reduced to the lowest common denominator" for a woman in Mormonism ... a "bitch" (whore). She had been dehumanized and demonized, and then, abandoned for not being "human!" This is madness masked as "benevolent " punishment for her own good." The demand is, "Don't see this as Evil, see it as "Good." "Don't see the "Wolf" who devours the physical human being; see the "Guardian" who receives the Spirit of the human being into its corporate Body. He eats his cake and thinks he has it too. The "Wolf" must have human flesh and blood in order for the "Guardian" to receive the Spirit from the human sacrifice. The "Wolf" becomes the slave of the "Guardian."
Applying that to the "Bitch" label, the "Wolf" personality of the Binder debauches. At the same time, the "Guardian" half of the personality condemns the debauchery of the "Wolf" half. The "Guardian" benefits by receiving more stature as the benevolent "Guardian," who now loudly protests against the evil "bitch." As "Guardian," he then enlists his flock into fighting this "enemy" of "evil" with the aid of the "Wolf/Enforcer"( himself). This strategy increases the sheep's praise of the "Guardian" who, in turn, "justifies" the "Wolf/Enforcer's" aid, enabling him to keep them in their pens, under his "protective care." The "Guardian" tells the sheep that he is not imprisoning them, on the contrary, he is keeping them safe, i.e., "Don't see this as Black, see this as "White." The "Guardian" and the "Wolf" have become one in purpose. The wife/ daughter in this story became the "scapegoat" through the deception of a label. The "wolf in sheep's clothing" is free to return to the fold ... to strike again.
(A Label is the "reduction" of a large mountain of facts and meanings in the real world into a common mole-hill of darkness, ignor-ance, and love/hate ... the result of the world of reason having been turned upside-down.)
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Wife and Husband Bound - Effect on Family Relationships
The daughter, still a member of the church, continues her story
Stage 1. Desire.
"Then 2 years later, (1986) I met my future husband. He was not a member of the church. He did not judge me of my past mistakes. He loved me for me."
Stage 2. Agreement.
"In 1988, we were married."
Stage 3. "Yes, but..." - Identity Crisis via Conversion,
"2 months later, because of the pressure from my family, he was baptized."
(Conversion: = conversion to one use from another, i.e., in this case, from individual use to a "general" use; from personal identity to group-identity; from subject to object.)
Stage 4. The Double-Bind Pressure from her family.
If the husband didn't join the church (they could not later be "sealed" to one another) they would both be "outsiders," and labeled "unworthy" ... "guilty." (Against the Binders.)
If he did join the church, they would be reversing their original desires (against their Selves), plus, creating a division between their families, i.e., "sealed" family Members against their non-member family who are labeled "unworthy" ... "outsiders."
"His family, all non-members, came to and supported him in his decision even though they did not agree."
Stage 5. Obedience - Dehumanization - "Yes, but No, Yet, IS" - The Promises made to the Elite - The "Guardian" - Obfuscation
" ... for the next ten years ... In that time we had two children. ... We had both become very active members of the church. We went to the temple and were sealed together as a family in 1993. I have always had my doubts ("Yes") about the temple ceremony, ("But") just kept telling myself that I didn't have enough faith and needed to work harder."
( = "Yet IS", or, all "Will be" made known. When born into the church the repetitive mental tapes of Binder excuses run automatically in our minds.)
"We both threw ourselves into our callings believing the promise that our family would be blessed. Many times, we would leave our children with his parents to attend meetings. There were times when one or both of the kids were very ill and still we would leave them with his parents while we went to fulfill our callings. We would have given our lives for the church.
"Then in October of 1997, I was talking to my sons preschool teacher about religion and she shared with me that she believed the Mormon church to be a cult. This surprised me, as I have never heard the Mormon church been called a cult. I could not get this out of my mind. So I started to investigate, so I could show this lady that we weren't a cult. We were a good thing.
"What I found out made my life come crashing down around me. I found that the Masonic and the LDS temple ceremonies, were VERY similar. TOO much alike. This really bothered me. Then I found that Joseph was first initiated into the Masonic rite on March 15, 1842. (History of the Church vol. 4, pg 550-552) The following May 1842, Joseph revealed the LDS temple endowment ceremony. The coincidence was just too much, I kept asking the question about why didn't God give him the ceremony BEFORE he had gone to the masons?
"A few years ago, there was this book out called "Secret Ceremonies" I had no interest in reading it, but I found out my Mother-in-law was going to be reading it so I found a copy to read so I would be able to answer any questions that she had. One part that troubled me a great deal was the penalties that members had to make as part of the ceremony. We had gone through AFTER the 1990 changes. I thought she was making this up. This could not possibly be happening in the temple. In the MORMON temple. So during one of our temple trips, I was sitting next to another lady from our ward after a endowment session and asked her if it was true and she told me yes but would not really talk about it. This shocked me, but I pushed it aside. God MUST know what he is doing. So I didn't think about it again. (Obedience to the "Guardian" - "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.")
"Then I find out in my research now, that these penalties were a big part of the Masonic ceremony. It REALLY bothered me and shattered my feelings about the temple. I have always thought that the temple and it's ceremony were so sacred and we were the only ones (the elite) that had this because God had "revealed" it to Joseph Smith. When I saw how similar it was, I know longer believed that it had come from God. It felt like the framework of my life had crumbled. I tried to talk to my husband about it and he wouldn't even listen. (Denial: Bound members obey, through fear, the implicit demand to "See, hear, and speak no evil," which is essentially part of the bloody oaths taken in the temple ... and, "not to speak ill of the Lord's anointed." )
"Wanting to find answers, I went right away down to the church and talked to a counselor in the bishopric. I told him what I had found and how it made me feel. I told him that it made me doubt the church and its teachings. I felt like I had been lied to. He didn't know half the stuff I was telling him about the temple but just told me ("Yes,") there were things ("But ... no") we just didn't know and that I should pray .... (for what "Yet, IS"). Then he bore his testimony. (Obfuscation)
"We (she and her husband, who by this time was investigating with her) were then told that it (the temple ceremony) was similar ("Yes") to the masons because they originally got it from Solomon's temple and ("But, No") it had become distorted through the years and that Joseph Smith was "inspired" when he saw it and, God restored it through him." ... (i.e., "Yet, IS.")
Stage 6. Accusations by church members and leaders - Projection - "Red Herrings" - Threats - Intimidation
"I looked into Solomon's temple and women were not even allowed in the ceremony. How could this be the same? Something was not right. I wanted answers and I started praying that I would find them. I started searching on the Internet. I started asking friends and family. With every question to my family, I got criticism. "Why was I asking?" (Projection: "What is wrong with YOU?) "Did someone do something to you to make you feel this way? (Intellectual inquiry reduced to "hurt feelings.") ... At this time, I was taking medication for severe migraines, 4-5 every month and they started blaming my medication for my behavior. It seemed they did not want to answer my questions, but just blamed me for asking them. (The medication was the "Red Herring;" the headaches were concurrent with the turmoil resulting from the treatment administered by her family. The stopped after she left the church.)
"I then stumbled onto Eric's web site. I started reading through the stories and couldn't believe there were so many former Mormons who had questions. I took a chance and contacted a couple from one of the stories. I was amazed to find that they did not want to push anything on me, but would just answer the questions that I asked. With every bit of information that I found, I would try and check the reference. I was still leery of these "anti-mormon" people. Maybe it was all lies? In fact, the people who wrote these stories seemed paranoid about the church. My husband and I thought this was very strange.
(The Bound, still caught in the web of The Pattern, unknowingly consider the exposure of facts of personal abuse to be "paranoia." They are still reflecting the Binder's projection of HIS paranoia to "outsiders"... caused by His self-created "enemy." Again, this is the result of the denial of His own dual personality, as the Creator/Guardian, and the Destroyer/Enemy. See: Part 1)
"I kept asking questions of friends and family. ...My bro-in-law told me that if I prayed about the church being true and received any answer but a positive one, that I would be wrong." (Another Double-Bind.)
If she prayed about the church being true while reflecting the Binder's mind (asking the Binder, as it were), the answer would be positive. (Against herself and for the Binder.)
If she prayed about the church being true with an open mind and the answer was negative, she would be wrong. (Against the Binder.)
" He also told me that if I left the church, I would be unhappy the rest of my life."
Clandestine Informers - Accusations - Threats of Abandonment - "Not I, but You are guilty."
"Then, at the beginning of December, we were told by a friend that the bishop was going to call us in and he had talked about excommunicating us. ... We were told ... (in a meeting that they, themselves, initiated with the bishop ) ... that 3 sisters ... reported us as having distributed anti-mormon literature. One of the sisters would not even give her name. We knew the other two. We were also told that several of the friends that we had gone to with questions, had been reporting us, saying we were asking questions about the church doctrine. The bishop told us that these accusations were very serious, and could lead to excommunication. We were in shock. ... It wasn't true. We assured the bishop that we were not distributing anything but told him that we had serious questions about the church history and doctrine. With these false accusations, we had doubts about returning to church. We left that night and I went home to find out w(h)ere this lie had started. My husband called one of these sisters (sis H) and asked her if she had said anything about us and she told us no, that she would never do that. One of the friends, sis B, who was helping us with our questions, had moved from our ward to Idaho. I had sent to sis B the story about the Mountain Meadow Massacre, because this was one of the things I was questioning. This story had been sent through e-mail and had our name at the top. When she was done with it, she had thrown it away. Sis H. had gone to visit her a month before this meeting with the bishop. I found out that while she was there, sis H had taken that story out of her garbage can. She brought it home and then told another sis in the ward (the other one who reported us) that we were distributing anti-mormon literature.
"NOW I was paranoid." (No, a person isn't paranoid when there is factual connection. Since all members of the church are commanded to reflect the Binder's paranoia, it is reasonable to expect that others would join the witch hunt for the "enemy" too.) "I wondered about everything I had said to anyone and how they would twist it around to find us guilty. I felt I could no longer trust anyone. We made the decision, and sent in a letter to have our names removed from the records. I would NOT be excommunicated for lies, for something that I did not do."
Accusations - Threats of abandonment by family
"I waited until after Christmas to tell my parents. When I told them that we had been accused of giving out anti-material, she asked if we had been doing this. I was truly surprised that she would even need to ask this question. I later sent her a letter and told her we were having our names removed. Her response back to me was that I was confused and I was alienating my family. I would regret my decision, cause they would be together as a family and I would be on the outside." (Projection: "Not We (I), but You" are mentally confused and are abandoning Us = "guilty.")
Stage 7. Reduction and Simplification by the Generalist Binder - The Human Family VS The Binder's Family - Abandonment by Family
"I wrote my sister, who I had been asking questions of and asked her why our mother would accuse me of alienating her. ... A few weeks after this, I received a letter from my sister. She kept referring to us having questions as our "problem". (The particulars disappear in a general "problem," with no name, hence, no known existence.) She told me that if I thought that our relationship would be the same, I was dreaming because we would have nothing to talk about except the weather and our kids. I was hurt by her letter. I had always thought there was something much deeper to being sisters than a church. I guess I was wrong."
"I decided to write and tell my aunt who I was very close to. I wrote out in a letter what had happened and how I felt about the church and why we left. I told her how much I loved her and how I didn't expect her to understand, but hoped she could continue to love us. One month later, I received a letter from my aunt.
"Never in my life have I been as disappointed or heart-sick over anything. You have spent 30 some odd years being a member of the church - it took you 2 months to let some weirdo on the internet convince you your whole life had been a lie? How very weak your testimony must truly have been! You are very mixed up ____, (She addressed my husband) your support on this road to hell is really a shock.
"In a quote from President Hinckley it says...
"We cannot be found on the sidelines carping and criticizing and finding fault with one another. We must be loyal to the Church against all its enemies." I'm sorry-but you have become the enemy-I will not support you in this-nor do I want you calling here-I have no wish to talk to you at this time. I know this is the true church of Jesus Christ-of that I have no doubt-How awfully sorry I am for you."
(Again, their serious intellectual inquiries into facts were reduced to the lowest common adjectival denominators ... "carping, criticizing, and finding fault" ... "character flaws." Also, her aunt's "mixed up mind" was projected onto them. The aunt, (reflecting Packer's and Hinckley's upside-down thinking) in so many words, said that she was a "lost sheep who had gone astray" and thus an "enemy" to be abandoned. The aunt also claimed (about Mormonism) that she knew that "this was the true church of Jesus Christ. What did Jesus have to say about the "lost sheep?" He said, "How think ye? If a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?" (Matt. 18:12) The Mormon church (as the "Shepherd") claims to follow the teachings of The New Testament, but in reality, it only uses His name as a label to cover up the Old Testament Danite barbarism reserved for those who "are facing the wrong way.")
"I have been and still am, dealing with my family questioning my sanity, thinking I am lost, calling me the enemy and showing me pity for my decision. I have members of our former ward who constantly ask a friend who is still in church if we are shaking her testimony. They tell her when "people like them" leave the church, they always like to take someone with them. Those "people" used to be our friends."
The Human Family VS The Binder's Family - Mormonism Kills What it Professes to Love, the Personal Human Family.
"I have an opportunity to see both sides now. When my husband joined the church, his family who did not agree, supported him and our religious choices. When we told them we were leaving they asked us if we were sure. Their love for us is unconditional. My children can see this. They see Daddy's family, who are not members, loving us no matter what. They see Mommy's family who ARE Mormons, only wanting to love us if we are Mormon. What does this say about the teachings of the Mormon church? .....Even in the Mormon scriptures it says, "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."
The Upside-Down World of the Closed System, a "Cancer."
"Mormonism---is like a cancer that has invaded my body, even my very soul. When I left the church, I removed a large lump, only to find that the cancer had spread. But day by day and bit by bit I am removing that which would prevent my body and soul from living free."
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