Part 1 The Last Incident - My Marriage
Prologue
This was my last confrontation with my husband before I filed for a divorce, and the most traumatic one. I had left my husband while he was working overseas. I came back to the states to get help. The church leaders, previously, had recommended a "church approved" psychiatrist, who was not a Mormon himself, however, his wife was. I had gone to him briefly after my husband's first confession of having pre-marital sex while he was in the Navy, and the Stake President episode, which was about 10 years prior to this event. I stopped going to see him, at that time, because his approach was nebulous; there was nothing concrete that I could grasp onto; I felt as if I were still in the presence of a Priesthood holder. He wouldn't talk to me. I was supposed to do all of the talking, which wasn't much, because he didn't seem to be listening. He would doodle with a pencil on a piece of paper while he was waiting for me to tell him what the problem was ... when I had gone there to find out what the problem was! I was still afraid of speaking my true feelings. There was no communication. The chair was situated so that I couldn't directly see him; I was facing a wall. I had to turn my head, awkwardly, to speak to him face to face. I came for clarification, but when I told him about my past, and about my husband hitting me years before, and how guilty I felt, he said nothing. I took that silence for an agreement that I was at fault for "hurting him" so badly that he had to hit me. I had told him all that had happened, but he could offer no concrete counseling one way or the other. The silent treatment was so much like my husband that I came away feeling doubly "guilty."
When I returned to the States upon leaving my husband, I went to see this same doctor; he was the only person I knew to whom I could go. I no longer felt welcome among any of my former Mormon friends; I had been labeled "evil" for leaving the church. This doctor didn't seem to be surprised to see me again, and this time he showed real concern. Probably, because I was traumatized from having made the decision to return home alone. When I arrived, I couldn't feel anything; I was numb. The sessions seemed warmer, but I still felt that what he was offering wasn't what I needed. I needed clarification, reasons and counseling; I needed to be enlightened about what was happening ... explanations. I got none of that. What I did get was an anchor. Someone, at least, knew what was happening. He was a tenuous life-line; but what I craved was someone who could hear what I was saying ... someone who would "talk" to me, who "saw" me. Since I couldn't "see" myself, I felt deserted. I had no real self-identity.
I started reading books on different therapies trying to find out where he was coming from; looking back, I am sure that what he was afraid of then, was the danger of "transference." However, his silence was very painful to endure; my intellectual mind had begun to awaken and I wanted to be more in control of my own life, to protect myself from the fear that possessed me. Because of his silent approach, I was finding it difficult to trust him. I finally asked him what kind of therapy he was using. He said, "It is eclectic." I went home to look "eclectic" up in the dictionary. I was right back where I started ... eclectic is "a little bit of everything," and that which he "deems best." Where did that put me? ... or him? I stayed with him because he was the only life-line I had. I couldn't let go of this anchor until I felt strong enough to do so.
It was the same experience I had with my marriage; I couldn't leave until I was ready ... until I had enough understanding behind me. I believe this doctor was doing what he felt was right, but just knowing that the church was referring patients to him, and that his wife was a Mormon, made me skeptical. It was a transitional period for me; I was not in my marriage nor in the church, nor was I out of either, as well. This doctor was in between both ... he represented a sort of "holding" position for me. I believe he was in a double-bind, too. Should he be faithful to his profession, or should he be faithful to his wife and the church who were referring patients to him? Being "eclectic" he could alternate between the two, not committing himself to either side. This was what the "silence" was all about. The silence was the neutral ground. I started planting my own choice of seeds in that neutral ground by reading at least one book a week, mostly about different therapies and religions. What I was trying to do was to break the silence that was surrounding me, to know what the mysteries were that were withheld from me within Mormonism and my marriage.
I had left my husband because of this silent world of unknown "guilt" we were living in, where nothing really meaningful was discussed; any attempt was interpreted as an "attack" against him. I thought, "Were all men silent, like this?" What I was experiencing, I found out much later, was the secret world of The Pattern, an offshoot of primitive "secret societies" of men, where women are not allowed; the silent separation even goes further in some of these societies, where men and women have separate languages. In many subtle ways, our modern world is still infested with primitive ideas, and rituals, like Masonry and the LDS temple ceremonies.
For a while, in the early days of the LDS church, the women were separated from the men; the women sat on one side of the chapel, while the men sat on the other side. Even today, men and women have their separate classes for their separate roles and duties, although they are together during congregational rituals, such as the sacrament, bearing of testimonies, baptisms, the blessing of children and exhortations in general by church leaders.
My problem was that I had been living in a silent world, and this psychiatrist was reinforcing the silence that was causing me such pain in the first place. What I needed was reason; however, I believe he didn't want to rock the boat of Mormonism; he had vested interests in both. Nevertheless, he supplied a transitional anchor for me, which kept me from slipping over the edge into a deeper depression.
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The Core of the Problem
The Pattern used by my husband in our marriage is the same Pattern that Joseph Smith established in his own personal life, which then became the canonized "doctrine" of the church. It was carried further into the rule of Brigham Young, who expanded on the syndrome. As I mentioned before, my husband's grandfather was the son of a polygamous union that included five wives, and which was directly under the influence of Joseph Smith, stemming from 1838. Later, this polygamous ancestor lived under the direct influence of Brigham Young, in Utah. He was also under orders from Brigham Young as a leader in the church's militia, and served as a captain in the Walker (Indian) War. My husband's grandfather lived for 20 years under the rule of Brigham Young. All of the doctrinal attitudes existing then filtered down into the lives of this family ... first, in the founding of a town in Southern Utah and then into another isolated area in Arizona. These concepts were passed down in their original purity to the numerous posterity of this family. My husband's mother married a man who was also deeply involved in Mormonism. From the beginning, my husband had been raised with no other alternative way of thinking or of viewing the world. My father was not a Mormon and had lived with the freedom of experiencing alternative viewpoints. He was an inactive Lutheran, born in 1900 of parents who had immigrated to the United States from Germany. My mother was born in 1899 of Mormon immigrants from Sweden and Denmark, and was raised in Idaho, in another isolated Mormon stronghold. The point here is that both my husband and myself had been raised in the same kind of psychological mind-set ... in a Closed System. My father's work necessitated his being absent off and on during my childhood, which left my mother as the major source for establishing my identification with the world, my relationship to it, and my personal relationship with others.
This Closed System obliterates individual identities. Joseph Smith's "gospel" centered around his own personal problem of identity. There is no doubt that he used The Pattern ... whether he used it consciously or not is another question. It is evident that his identity problem centered around his sexual nature. This was revealed as early as 1829 in his Book of Mormon (Jacob 2:30), and ended in his death, which was the result of his preaching polygamy.
My husband, and others like him, who have inherited Joseph's mind-set, suffered from the same identity problem. It creates a dual personality. Like my psychiatrist, "they" alternate between two opposite poles, each serving the other's needs, "back to back" ... as "one." The Bound, then, must (for the Pattern to work) stand "face to face" with the Binder, reflecting his "Wolf" or his "Shepherd" thoughts, alternately as they are presented, just as Emma did. Because the cause of the conflict is a part of what is most personal and basic, namely, our sexual identity, it is also the most emotional. Our sexual center in the brain, the amygdala, is divided into two parts and "plays a key role in the formation and processing of emotional content;" these parts are thought to control access to rage, aggression and sexuality. This center can either serve the dual personality, with the ramifications of either, or it can be controlled by reason.
In Mormonism, sex is a tabooed subject, and reason, i.e., sex education, is considered "evil;" therefore, sex is regulated by The Pattern which causes the unreasonable sexual problems that Mormonism condemns. In Mormonism, there is no allowance for a conscious individual person to use their reason in order to be personally responsible and in sole charge of this energy ... an energy which can become violent when NOT expressed with reasonable understanding. Its constructive use is destroyed by the use of The Pattern, which cuts both ways; the energy can backfire against the self, or be expressed against another ... in either case, sometimes violently. Under the surface is unidentified rage, which has to have some outlet or be turned inwardly toward the Self. I submit that the Danites, under the organization and leadership of Joseph Smith (the self-appointed Lieutenant-General of the Nauvoo Legion), served as outlets of this rage.
His need to release what he had suppressed in himself turned outwardly towards others, by the use of those bound to him, to fight his personal battles; these personal aberrations then became political policies which he "justified" and "sanctified" through his personal "revelations" which became canonized "scripture." His "Shepherd" had to legitimize (sanctify) Polygamy in order to satisfy his sexual nature; his "Wolf" personality used fraud and force to enforce the same needs.
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The Last Incident -- The Major Crisis
The Pattern as repeated in Stage 7 - Binder/Bound
This incident followed closely, in time, the last incident described in the article Parallels - Part 2. References here will refer to that article, and the "Joseph Smith and Emma Hale" article, the last in the series under "How The Pattern Translates into the Marriage and family Relationships".
Stage 1. The Problem -- My Marriage -- Anxiety -- Fear
It became obvious that I would not be returning to my husband overseas.
Stage 2. Agreement -- Trust -- Safety
After a period of time, he wanted to come to the States for a discussion of our problems. I agreed.
Stage 3. "Yes, but.." -- Ambiguity -- Mind-Bind -- Confusion -- Identity Crisis - Love/Hate
He returned to the States. At the beginning of our agreed upon discussion ("Yes"), he confessed that on the flight over, he had thoughts of raping me ("But", "No," ... no free discussion; I'll make you love me).
Our "discussion" began with the specter of that threat. The remembered image of his fist hitting into my face years ago, immediately came into my mind, and I could feel myself falling back into the defensive situation that I came to the States to eliminate. I had felt his hatred towards me prior to my leaving; violence was a very real possibility.
Stage 4. Double-Bind -- Reversal
I felt trapped. We were to spend a few days alone together for the purpose of exploring our problems. What I didn't know then was that I was in another Double-Bind.
Double-Bind:
I was frightened. If I upset or "hurt" him in any way by exploring areas that would cause him to get angry with me, he might hit me or rape me, as he had already said he had thoughts of doing.
I was equally frightened of refusing to go forward with the discussion, as I would be blamed for not honoring our agreement to have a discussion. Again, I was also afraid of a premeditated violent attack, should I refuse.
This was a repeat of the first incident when I wanted to discuss our problem; the result was physical violence. This incident began with the threat of another kind of violence; this time, sexual violence.
Stage 5. Denial -- Silence -- Humiliation
I was back in the same dehumanizing position as before. Since I was leaving him, and he not leaving me, it was as if the problem was entirely my "problem." The double-bind which leaves you "guilty" no matter which way you choose puts the Bound in a defenseless position. This is the Binder's silent way of denying, of not having any responsibility for a joint problem. "He" had disappeared. My "guilt" was again the main issue. Throughout the days we were together, we were again playing the Binder-Bound roles ... of not rocking the boat ... until the strain became too great. Gradually, we started expressing our feelings. I kept to my role of anticipating his Binder "needs;" I was still afraid of what he might do to me.
Stage 6. "It is Your problem, not Mine."
It reached a climax near the end of his stay. My husband finally decided to tell me something. He had a problem that was not really a problem. His "non-problem" was that he had committed many acts of adultery, the first of which began in the first few years of our marriage. I was dumbfounded. The revelation was shock enough for me, but what followed was numbing and incredible..
Stage 7. Black is White -- "Don't see this as bad, see is as "Good." - The "Shepherd-Savior" - Punished for Being Punished - Black is White
I became numb and was unable to feel anything. I couldn't cry; I couldn't laugh; I wasn't there any longer. It was as if it were not happening to me; it was happening to someone else. What followed was a calm description of a few of his affairs; I could sense no feeling of any guilt on his part as he told me about them; in fact, I sensed a subtle ego gratification of his sexual prowess over these women; all of which added to the feeling of unreality that I felt. To him, my numbness was taken as calmness, which was a reflection of how he "saw" me ... he was talking to his "Elect Lady," his "non-human" wife who was "above" this "only human" husband; my role was to sacrifice any "selfish" personal feelings I might have regarding his "human" liaisons. I was automatically expected to "understand."
My numbness must have confirmed for him this opinion, which encouraged him to tell me of his "justifications" for his acts of adultery, in which he took no small pride. His "justification" was, that he had "saved" these women: (1) from lack of self-esteem - one young nurse had pock marks on her face; he was bolstering her self-esteem by having sex with a "doctor-intern" (this happened during the first years of our marriage); (2) to feed the ego of another employee in a different town (which occurred a short time later during another residency); (3) to comfort a lonely widow, who had just lost her husband. (He had been his "best" friend ... I had complained, at the time, that he was spending too much time with her ... as a Seventy, he was her Home-Teacher. In response to my complaint, he accused me of being "selfish," i.e., non-caring ... that the sisters in the ward had abandoned her; she was very upset over her husband's death, and very lonely. I then felt guilty for having complained.) He continued his justifications: besides, during his visits, he said, "I had asked her not to let it get sexual." Again, he absolved himself from any personal control, or responsibility. She was to blame, not he. His opinion of himself, as he expressed to me later, was, "I am a good man." ("Don't see this as bad, see it as "Good.")
His sacrificing me, as his wife, was justified because he was saving others. (See: "Joseph's Sacrifice is Emma's Subjection" in Marriage of Joseph Smith and Emma Hale.) This is the tragic insidiousness of The Pattern that Joseph Smith established in his life and in his church "doctrine." Joseph was promising his new wives that they, and their familiies, would be saved and obtain Salvation with him in the Celestial Kingdom. He, literally, protrayed himself as Yahwah's mortal gift to women ... as a savior.
This attitude cannot make any sense unless you see that the Binder believes each of the roles he alternately plays, as the "Shepherd" and as the "Wolf." The "Shepherd" is a good man who "heals" and who "saves" ... others. The "Wolf" destroys what the "Shepherd" professes to love, his wife. The one is sacrificed for the many. The carnal "Wolf" remains hidden. The good "Shepherd" is the image portrayed.
The "Shepherd-Savior" Image
My husband did not then, or ever, ask me to forgive him. He expected me to give him my blessing, to support him in his "unselfishness" ... for "saving" these young women. I was expected to have the same empathy towards these women that he had. My feelings, his marriage vows to me and for his children, made in the temple, were buried under these "exceptions." I was expected to sanction his adultery, after the fact. And, if I didn't agree, then I was the one who was "selfish," not he. ("Selfish," in The Pattern means the Bound is "guilty" for claiming her own Self, which is always against the Binder ... again, this is a reflection of Joseph's demand that Emma should accept his adulteries, after the fact. If she didn't ... then she was the agressor, not Joseph.)
I could not believe what I was hearing, nor could I believe my husband's "Shepherd" calmness with which he described his "Wolf" activities; it didn't make sense to me, at that time. (He had other "problems" also, which again, were "not problems," which he intimated shouldn't concern me, or anyone else, as was the case with his adulteries. If I couldn't accept these "non-problems," that was my "problem." Again, he was saying, "It is you who need to change, not I." This was a repeat of our first attempt at "solving" our "non-problems," twenty three years before. As I have shown, The Pattern is a pattern of denial. The real problems must never be seen by the Binder, or the Bound. The Bound must reflect the Binder's denials.
Stage 7. Force -- Punished for Being Punished
After his descriptive admissions, I could not shake the paralysis that came over me. I had not reacted the way he had expected me to. I couldn't cry in grief (or laugh hysterically as I had before) as the "Wolf" wanted me to, nor could I "bless" him, as the "Shepherd," for his "selflessness," as he expected me to. I was still in a state of shock. The "Shepherd" wanted praise for his sexual acts; the "Wolf" wanted to hurt me for not agreeing with him. Later, when the tension became too great, I could see signs that he was becoming angry; I saw that his right hand was starting to curl up into a fist; I became truly frightened and started crying. My tears immediately released the angry "Wolf," and the "Shepherd" rushed in to "comfort" me; he put his arms around me and "comforted" me in my sorrow ... as the "Binder-Conqueror-Savior-Hero" (all are various aspects of the Binder). A Binder wins either way, by force, or fraud ... Wolf or Shepherd. As the example in "My Awakening" showed, it wasn't until I could change my environment, feel safe with distance between us, that I could really begin to think and speak, without fear.
I lived throughout these few days in a kind of comatose fear ... still playing my role. There were a few lucid moments, but as before, there were no connections in my mind, or his, that could lead us out of this Binder-Bound relationship. At one time, he actually said, that we were "playing roles." Everything was so unreal, and deja vu ... we seemed to be repeating a drama over and over again, which led us nowhere. We, however, were not aware of the hidden script and the roles we were taking as "real." Neither one of us had a real identity. In the morning before he left, I tried to talk to him again about my feelings ... my needs that were missing in our marriage. I couldn't put them into words; I was still afraid to express myself fully. I asked him to call my psychiatrist to ask him the answer to these questions. He also wanted to know if it looked like I would be filing for a divorce. The doctor told him that what I needed was "love and understanding;" and that, yes, I would probably file for a divorce. After he hung up the telephone, he said, as the "Shepherd," "You deserve someone better."
Stage 8 and 9. Numbness -- Denial -- Sense Deprivation
That same day, I saw him off at the airport. I returned to my apartment but very much disassociated from myself. The telephone rang later; it was my doctor; he was concerned because I hadn't kept my appointment with him. He knew that my husband had come for a meeting with me, and we had scheduled an appointment following my husband's departure. In my stupor, the appointment had been forgotten. I went to his office and told him about all that had happened. I said, "It is as if it had never happened." He leaned forward and very forcefully said, "Marion, ... you .... stay ....right here." He was saying that I was to stay with reality, not slide down into denial of what had happened. (He had many patients, he said, that were in the mental sanitarium in a similar state of denial, because of traumas they could not handle.)
While I was in this state, I suffered from a form of sense deprivation, i.e., I couldn't feel anything, nor could I listen to music; food was tasteless; I wanted to isolate myself from all stimulus that would bring me close to any sense realities. I withdrew to protect myself from my feelings; they were too painful to own. I became a protective "observer" of someone "else."
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After my husband returned to his overseas employment, his "Shepherd" personality disappeared, and from then on, until the divorce was final (it took over five years, mainly because "he" had disappeared) he was mostly the punishing "Wolf," punishing me cruelly in areas where he knew it would hurt the most ... concerning my children. He still believed that he owned me and made it as hard on me as possible to leave him. He even managed to halt the divorce proceedings for one year while he took another residency in the east. During that time, the delay had a physical effect on my body. The hair on my head started falling out, which was attributed to my anxiety, which was also causing pains over my heart. This is very significant as far as The Pattern is concerned; it not only affects the emotions, and the mind ... it attacks the body as well. My husband must have had some similar reactions, as he was also going through painful stages of withdrawal. A Binder depends on others; my husband's lifeline and image had been taken away. (Just as in the church ... without members the church would collapse; The Pattern kills what brings and gives life ... to the Binder. In "killing" others, he ends up "killing" himself ... just as Joseph did. In the end, no one wins.
As the "Wolf," he hated me; as the "Shepherd," he "needed me." (The Love/Hate syndrome.) That is another reason I had to leave him; while in that foreign country, I could feel his hatred. As the "Wolf," he "hated" me because every time he saw me, it reminded the "Shepherd" of his infidelities; also, my new attempts at asserting myself contributed to the feelings he had towards me. The more I tried to be nice to him and to solve our problems, the more he "hated" me ... the more guilt he felt. I was a constant reminder to him of his "Wolf" side that he had to deny.
The tragedy in living The Pattern, is that at the end of one's life, one finds that he, or she, has never truly lived! That is the pain the Binder and the Bound feels and dreads in leaving this world. When one has truly lived, life can be released with gratitude. When the body can no longer support life and if one has fully lived, there are no regrets. Mormonism does the opposite; we are to give up this life, live by The Pattern's death rules, and maybe we will make it to the Celestial Kingdom where we will be given back all the humanness (minus our blood) that was stolen from us.
Joseph Smith made that one mistake, in his promises for eternal physical sex with his many wives, he left out the blood that would be needed for him to sexually produce children or to enjoy doing so. In the resurrection, Mormonism tells us, there will be no res-erection. (LDS Bible Dictionary, "Resurrection," 1979 edition.)
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Next:
The Core of the Problem - Part 2
Parallels with Joseph Smith and Brigham Young
Joseph - The Shepherd and the Wolf
and
Brigham - The Avenger and the Lion
Next Page: Part 2 Parallels - Jos. Smith and Brigham Young
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