This story is in 2 parts.  Brad (the husband) tells his story then his wife tells hers.  They have been active on the bulletin board.  This is a great story.

>>>>>>>>>>>Brad's Story<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I was born into a very active Mormon family. I am a direct descendant of Brigham Young.

The church was THE primary part of my life growing up as a child, in my teen years and on into my adult years. I have always been a died in the wool Mormon -except for a short time in my late teens/early twenties when I had a rebellious streak.

The earliest memories I have of my life are church related, and most all of my memories have some connection with the church. At a very early age, I realized that my identity was tied closely to the church. I was the church and the church was me.

When I was six years old, my father was called to be the Stake Mission President. My father was a professional just starting out and was always very busy in my younger years just trying to make ends meet. I don't recall seeing him much in my younger years. I suspect that this was a result of both his work and religious life. We always went to the fathers and sons outing and I really enjoyed the time with my father in a spiritual setting.

I have always been a very logical person. Things have always needed to make sense to me. I used to drive my parents crazy because I questioned everything (we now have a child just like that - argh). In my early teen years I recall gaining a testimony of the church and Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon and modern revelation. The testimony was based on spiritual feelings mixed with a lot of attempts at logic. In other words, a purely spiritual confirmation was not enough by itself. I had a purely spiritual confirmation, but in my mind it needed to be backed up by something logical.

I remained a good kid and remained active in the church until I was about 17. At that time I really began to enjoy being involved in the "punk" scene. I started associating with different people, and some of my older friends changed with me. Although I never did drugs (I did smoke pot a few times), I drank on occasion and became fairly rowdy. As I look back, it’s really funny and sad that my parents had absolutely no clue what I had gotten into. They knew I had stopped going to church for the most part, but they thought it was more work related.

On my 18th birthday I went to a concert to see the band "X" at the Whiskey A Go-Go in LA. While I was there I met a girl named Erica. Erica and I were attracted instantly and the sparks flew. We left the concert early as it turned out that we lived only 11 miles from each other. I had driven to the concert and she had gone with a friend.

We went to the beach and walked for a while. We started making out and one thing led to another. We both lost our virginity that night. We became an instant couple and were almost inseparable. We were very close in our thoughts and attitudes. I thought it was cool that a female could be so logical (sorry). She definitely had and has emotions, but was and is way more logical than any woman I have ever known.

After we had been seeing each other for about a month, we were talking deeply about our families. She mentioned that she had five siblings, to which I replied "What are you, Mormon?" She said yes and I almost tossed my cookies. She asked what was wrong and I explained that I had been raised a Mormon as well and my family was very active. It turns out that we lived in adjoining Stakes.

My parents were thrilled that I was dating a "good Mormon girl". Little did they know. However, as time went on, we both decided that we should get our lives involved in the church again. After about a year of wild abandonment, we slowly began winding our way back to church, attending a young adult ward. We became active within about six months. When I was about 20+ 6mos the Bishop asked me what my plans were for a mission. I discussed it with Erica and we decided it would be a good thing. Of course the pressure from home never quit. My parents were always asking about it and dropping hints. I had told them I wasn’t going on a mission and that my plan was to marry Erica when we were 21. They were thrilled at my decision to go on a mission.

The support was phenomenal. They never really realized what Erica’s am my relationship involved, and were quite shocked when they found out that I couldn’t go on a mission for at least nine months and maybe a year. Our Bishop placed that restriction on me when he found out about our "adult" escapades. He suggested that just to be safe, Erica and I stop seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. We were so close that that was impossible. I somewhat resented him suggesting that, but I knew his intentions were good. He didn’t want Erica and I messing up again. As it turned out, there were a few close calls, but we survived.

Erica and I never really questioned the fact that we would be there for each other when I returned from my mission. We really didn’t even talk in terms of "will you wait for me?". It was a given that we would be with each other.

I received my call to the Melbourne Australia Mission. The first eight months out of the MTC I spent in the Canada Toronto Mission because of Visa problems. My companion in Toronto was someone who I would later find (or he would find me) on the RFM/FFM discussion board – you all know him as Sparky.

I went to Australia and had a great time. I never had one doubt that Erica and I would be married upon my return and that we would have the perfect Mormon life together. I had a successful mission and ended up in the office as an AP. I served very little time in the field, but the time I did serve I enjoyed immensely.

While in the office, we received the letter instructing Bishops, SP’s and Mission/District Presidents to question married couples about impure sexual practices (read oral sex, anal sex, etc.). People have since told me that the existence of this letter has never been proven – that it is a Mormon legend. However, I held the letter in my own two hands and examined the fine manner of workmanship – oops – digressing. Anyway folks, the letter existed. Within about two weeks, another letter came out telling us to disregard the previous letter as so many were offended (me included).

I questioned the Prophet at that very moment. I wondered why the Lord would speak on the subject and then renounce it right away. I knew it wasn’t because people had stopped those "impure" practices – why then did it no longer matter. That is the first time I remember thinking that a Prophet was fallible.

When I returned from my mission, of course Erica and I planned our wedding for six months later. Our old Bishop talked to our new Bishop and suggested that he recommend that we get married sooner so as not to fall into moral transgression. Again, I was taken aback by this "prior restraint" on the part of the Bishop, but again I understood his intention. In any event, Erica and I were married in August of 1986.

We immediately went to BYU. I was going to get the education and Erica was going to be a good support and eventually, a mother to our children.

Of course we loved BYU and the friends and experience gained there. To us, BYU wasn’t that restrictive. In the summer semesters I would wear shorts and sandals and nobody really said anything about it. I would wear shoes with no socks and it didn’t matter. Erica and I have always had our own "unique" styles when it came to clothing and hair, so initially we didn’t really fit in with our Ward. After a few months everyone could see that we were somewhat normal and accepted us in full fellowship.

After about six months at BYU we moved into Wymount Terrace – the "on-campus" married housing. By then we had become fully functional TBM’s. I was called into the Bishopric of our ward and Erica was called into the RS presidency.

In the Bishopric, I was simply amazed at the number of people who had severe hang ups in all areas of their lives. During temple recommend interviews I would hear the strangest "sins". One person felt he wasn’t worthy to go to the temple because in the previous month, he and his wife "did it" while she was on her period. Another woman told me she didn’t think her husband was worthy because he always liked to "do it" with their garments all the way off – I didn’t even ask. I just explained to both of these people that since questions regarding that behavior weren’t in the list of questions, I think they were o.k.

At the time, I thought things like that were odd, but I chalked it up to strange localized or "family" traditions. Of course now I realize there are all kinds of strange "doctrines" floating around because the church no longer focuses on doctrine.
Sexual hang-ups within the Mormon church are prevalent in my opinion. I am not saying that kids should be having sex and practicing a lot before marriage, but I will say that I believe Mormons are pathetic at teaching their children about sex in a way that is healthy. There is so much talk about sex in the negative sense, that when sex becomes a part of peoples’ lives, they don’t know how to handle it. Masturbation is a perfect example of this.

Young men are taught not to masturbate. This is preached in Priesthood meetings on local, steak and church-wide levels. Young men who masturbate and confess to the Bishop are made to feel guilty and ashamed. They are looked down upon and considered unworthy. This promotes an unhealthy attitude about sex in general. Sure, they don’t come out and say that sex is dirty (although I have heard that), but the attitude of many Mormon women and men is that sex is dirty and disgusting. Of course they like that it feels good, but they always struggle with guilt. I saw this so much while in the Bishopric.

I digressed for a moment.

Once, while still in the Bishopric at BYU, the SP asked me about oral sex and masturbation during a temple recommend interview. I replied that I didn’t think it was appropriate that he asked that question as it was not on the list of questions. He replied that he holds his Bishoprics to a higher standard and would like an answer. Needless to say, I refused. He complained and basically convicted me of oral sex (as if it were a crime – but guilty as charged) and recommended that we don’t participate any longer.

When I was finished, it was Erica’s turn. I told her not to answer any questions she didn’t feel comfortable sharing with a stranger. Ten minutes later she came out crying. He reprimanded her for participating in unholy sexual practices. I went back and shared my thoughts on the subject with him and was extremely vocal about it.

A few weeks later, I was released from the Bishopric. I don’t know how it happened, but people in the ward knew that I was released because of "sexual sin". Finally, the rumors started flying so bad that I got up one week during testimony meeting and set the record straight. I talked for a while about gossip. Then I got somewhat specific and stated that neither one of us had a "sexual sin" and that if people wanted to discuss our sex lives they could feel free to come over and we’d discuss it with them in person.

It was a difficult time, but Erica and I kept going to church and decided that "the church is perfect, but the people aren’t".

Flash forward 10 years – I have graduated with the help of Erica and we now have five children. We are TBM in every way. I have been the YM president, elders quorum president, ward clerk and am now the executive secretary. Erica is currently in the RS presidency after serving in YW presidency and as the primary president. We both have strong testimonies and our testimonies have been confirmed many times by the "spirit". We have family prayer, family scripture study, hold temple recommends and attend the temple often.

It is 1997 and President Hinckley is participating in a lot of media interviews. I was disturbed by many of the things I heard him saying, such as God was not a man and polygamy is not doctrinal. I was deeply disturbed when someone asked him (I think it may have been the 60 minutes interview) if he was the Prophet of the church. Instead of saying yes, he said something like "I am so called, yes". I pointed this out to Erica and she said I was making too much out of it. He was nervous, etc.

Several weeks went by and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I kept returning to the mental picture I had of him saying that. I went to the Internet to find transcripts of the shows and articles about President Hinckley. I found them, but I found a lot of other information about the church as well.

Now, I had come across every piece of "anti-Mormon" literature in existence while on my mission and throughout the years. I had even gone to see Walter Martin speak once in Orange County. I had heard it all, and had reinforced my testimony with books like "They Lie in Wait to Deceive" and "Answers to questions about Mormons", etc. I considered myself a good defender of Mormonism. But the Hinckley thing really bothered me.

While on the Internet, I came across Eric’s site. I read some of the stories and thought they were all hogwash! How could these people be so stupid? For about three months, I posted on the boards – I am sure I was really obnoxious. As I look back now, I was just like any TBM who posts on the recovery board. When a question became complex, I gave a pat answer and bore my testimony. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t respond differently to my testimony.

I gave up posting eventually, but some of the claims on Eric’s site really started bothering me inside. And some of the conversations I had had with "the evil people" on Eric’s site came back to haunt me. Of course I had checked out the IRR and Tanner’s site in my initial research. However, I simply tossed them aside as "anti-mormons", thus relieving myself from accepting responsibility for checking out any of their claims. In church, when we would discuss the BOM or POGP, I would cringe and find myself not believing certain parts. However, I kept up a great and faith promoting attitude as long as I could.

To make a very long story short, I brought up my doubts to Erica. OOPS! I soon found out that the logical and intelligent person I once knew (and she still existed, by the way) had vanished behind the conditioning we all know so well. She wasn’t willing to hear any of my information.

She freaked. She told me to stop looking at "anti-Mormon" stuff. She told me to stay off the Internet. She told me that I had lost the spirit and had invited Satan into our home. I was completely stunned. I tried to reason with her and help her understand.

I explained to her that I would continue to stay in church, but that I wanted her to read some information I had found. We struggled for a few months with discussing the issue, but we never got anywhere without fighting. She of course used the fighting to illustrate that I had invited Satan into our home and marriage. Eventually, Erica began speaking with her parents about our problems and they all decided it would be better if we separated.

I was completely crushed. So was Erica. What I saw so clearly as the truth, she completely believed were lies made up by the devil himself. She "knew" her parents were right, but she felt bitterness towards them for suggesting we separate. She was fighting a great internal battle of her own.

I moved into a hotel room for a few weeks, and then Erica took the children and moved in with her parents. I moved back into the house to save money.

It wasn’t enough that I would still go to church. Erica was demanding that I completely suspend my mind and blank out. The sad thing is that we had discussed reason and logic so many times and both agreed that we had to be true to ourselves. We would get together to discuss our situation and Erica would tell me that she knew she was asking me to do something she promised she would never ask from me. But she had to ask me because she "knew" in her heart that the church was true and specifically that her parents, relatives, friends couldn’t all be wrong. She knew she was pinning her salvation and belief to them, but she didn’t see any other option as possible. It would simply hurt too much.

After we were apart for about two months, Erica showed up at the house in tears. She told me that her parents were looking for "new guys" for her in the stake and suggesting that she go to the singles ward.

At this point, we hadn’t even discussed divorce. We had decided that we needed some time apart, because she couldn’t look at me without breaking down.

Erica was furious with her parents and finally came to realize how she was being manipulated and controlled by them and her friends. One evening she showed up at the house and wanted to know if she could stay with me (duh). Of course we had a wonderful night talking and discussing our lives – where we had been and where we were going. We left the kids with her parents (God bless them) for over a week – this gave us time to really discuss the things we needed to discuss and come to some ground rules.

Erica promised she would read information I provided her as long as I promised to go to the temple every two weeks, we would still have family prayer and scripture study and we would attend church. I knew Erica too well to think that she could read the info and remain faithful. She knew it too. She explained that some of what I had told her (especially about JS and polygamy) had really bothered her, but that the church was her whole world. When I started questioning she panicked.

After about nine months of studying and reading and going to church (I was the executive secretary this whole time) we decided we could no longer be members of the church. I was so happy that my old Erica was back. She had decided on her own. We both had different "sticking points" in regards to doctrine and history. So you might say we wanted to leave for different reasons.

Erica was influenced heavily by the info found in the Journal of Discourses on Blood Atonement, Adam-God theory and the general tone of Brigham Young. She was also influenced by D & C 132 and the history of polygamy in the church.

I was more affected by false prophecies, the temple ceremony and the general lack of honesty in regards to church history.

We had planned to move, and just drift into inactivity in our new area. Eventually, we would tell our families and friends, but we didn’t want to hurt them either.

We bought some property in San Clemente and made plans to build a house. We dreaded every week at church, and had a hard time subjecting our children (we had five then) to the lies.

Aside from the discomfort of attending church without a testimony, our plan was working perfectly – that is until our temple recommends expired and the Bishop kept reminding us to renew them. We hadn’t been to the temple in a while, but we needed to put on a good show. So we had our interviews with the Bishop and basically lied through our teeth. It was the easiest lie either one of us had ever told. If we had it to do all over again, we would be truthful and face the facts the. It would have made our lives a bit easier. In addition, we are still moral people and have felt a twinge of guilt for not being honest.

When I was sitting in the SP’s office (a new SP), listening to and responding to the questions, I heard one question and just stared at him. The question was "do you and your wife participate in any impure sexual practices?". I asked him if this was a new question. He said it was his question. I told him I had been through this before and that I didn’t need to answer the question. He persisted. Without any warning he told me that if I didn’t answer, I wouldn’t be receiving a temple recommend. I then told him that I wouldn’t be receiving a temple recommend then. He said my failure to answer was enough of an answer to him and that he would like to discuss these impure practices with me. I asked him to define impure practices and he replied that anything outside of sexual intercourse was impure. I laughed right in his face. He told me that members needed to live up to high standards, blah blah, blah.

Being known as somewhat of a smart ass, I told him that we participated in oral sex (both ways), anal sex (tried it once), fisting (never) and used sex toys (sometimes).

He was completely taken off guard. I told him we had no intention of stopping what we enjoyed and I walked out of the room.

Erica was waiting for her turn. I told her not to go in and that we should go home. She saw that I was shaken and I told her the "question" came up again. She said she could handle it. I told her I didn’t pass the interview and she gave me a look of bewilderment as she followed the SP in to his office.

Again, after about ten minutes, Erica came running out crying. She didn’t even wait for me. She ran outside and got in the car. I opened up the SP’s door and he was on the phone. I walked in and sat down. He told the person (our bishop) that he would call back. I let loose on this man like I had never let loose on anyone in my life.

I quoted the "oath and covenant" about unrighteous dominion. I cursed him, I swore that if he ever spoke to my wife again I would charge him with sexual harassment. I ran out to the car. Erica had stopped crying by then. We talked the whole way home and decided we couldn’t wait. We had to leave the church then.

The next few days were tough.

I called the Bishop and told him our side of the story. He said that the SP wanted to speak with me to try to clear things up. I told him I wasn’t interested in clearing things up. I told the bishop I had written a letter to Salt Lake addressing my concerns about this man. I also told him I had contacted several people in the Stake and spoken badly of the man.

The SP was pushing for a meeting. I said no. I was still the executive secretary, and the bishop was very concerned. Although we were good friends, he had to side with the SP.

Erica and I decided to resign our membership by sending letters to Salt Lake within a few weeks. The following Saturday, the bishop called me and warned me that the SP would be joining us in Bishopric meeting the following day. He had been talking about disciplinary action.

Erica and I wrote our letters that night. I went to Bishopric meeting on Sunday and handed my letter to the bishop. I’ll never forget the look on his face. Our letter talked about doctrine and history. He expected it to be about hurt feelings.

When the SP got there, I stood up, handed him a copy of the letter and walked out. The first counselor, who was a really good friend of mine from an old ward, chased me out of the building. We talked for a few minutes. Ultimately, he left the church with his wife and family about three months later.

Let me make one thing clear: We left the church for doctrinal and historical reasons only. The TR interview was a catalyst in leaving when we did, but it was not the reason. We had both been offended many times in the church before. We also are both mature enough to realize that people are people, and people make mistakes. We would never toss our eternal lives over the actions of another/

I state this because there is a tendency within the church to cast all "apostates" in the same mold. When I was a TBM, I could never conceive of a person leaving the church "voluntarily". The conclusion for most TBM’s is that the "apostate" has sinned, lost the spirit, began questioning leaders and slowly drifted away from the truth. They conclude that "apostates" live with constant guilt and fear of the eternity they will no longer be entitled to. We don’t fit into the preconceived mold that most TBM’s will place us in. In fact, most TBM’s who read this will still not believe what I have taken the time to write. I have been there, and I know what it is like.

Anyway, the stir died down within the Stake almost as quickly as it began. Most people attribute our leaving to questioning the leaders and not being able to live righteously. Of course they forget that the last 13 years, we have been the perfect example of a TBM family. We were good enough to teach their children and be their friends. Somehow, most of them have forgotten that.

Our families freaked. Our friends either disowned us, accepted us or became lukewarm.

Of course we have not adjusted perfectly to our new lives without the church. Some of our paradigms are hard to shake. It’s tough to look in the mirror sometimes and just think that I am me…three cheers! The old expectations are leaving slowly but surely. We’ve learned how to be truly happy.

We no longer need all of the questions answered. Who cares if there is a life after death. If there is, I have done the best I could. If there isn’t , I’ve still done the best I could…but there is no reward and punishment waiting for us. We are who we are – simple and pleasant. It is a great pleasure to teach our children to be their best – not because they will be rewarded in the next life, but because they will be rewarded in this life.

We live relatively normal lives now. On Sundays we enjoy going to the beach or Disneyland. We’ve spent our tithing money on doing things we truly enjoy. I’ve taken up surfing again – I had stopped because I was simply too busy.

Now I take my older kids surfing with me every morning. Something I never used to do before…I think it’s because I used to need time by myself – so busy with church and having a hard time separating my life from my church.

It’s funny how I used to sit on my board early in the morning waiting for a wave, thinking about how beautiful everything is. And how I was so greatful for the gospel to help me understand and appreciate the beauty.

Now, as I sit on my board waiting for that wave, I still appreciate the beauty and peace and serenity. Except now it is mine to enjoy without strings attached.

I used to lay next to Erica in bed and be thankful for the temple and our garments to remind us of our covenants.

Now I lay next to her with no garments and much more bare skin. I think about our covenants to each other and how I love her and the happiness she has brought me because she is she…a unique individual who is not molded with green jello by her allegiance to false prophets.

When my first five children were born, I couldn’t wait to bless them as an "initiatory" into their lives in the church.

We had twins a few weeks ago, and I am so glad that I now realize they don’t need the "church" to be good people and to appreciate life. Their birth has initiated them into life. They don’t need my hands on their heads while I pronounce promises I have no control over.

Our lives are calmer and more peaceful than they’ve ever been. Something about living for each other changes your outlook. We no longer care about saving our dead – now we can concentrate on helping each other, and people who are alive.

Do we believe in God? I think so. I don’t know. I find liberation in disbelief, but I find comfort in belief.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Erica’s Story<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

People have asked me to write a synopsis of our journey and tell how it affected me. You’ve all heard Brad’s explanation of everything, and he did a fairly thorough job. But Some of my perspectives are different and so I will try to give you my unique perspective hopefully without boring you.

When Brad and I met it truly was love at first sight. Putting it mildly, Brad is a god! His body and face are perfect and I am always having to beat others away. (where is my $10.00 Brad?)

I was attracted to him physically, but once we began dating there was a connection. Emotionally we just clicked. Brad had a love of everything about life. I had never met such a positive person and always prided myself on being positive. I am a positive person, but Brad has the ability to take any situation and make that situation have a positive impact on others too. I greatly admired that ability and It has rubbed off on me a bit (I hope).

Shortly after we met, we were both terrified we would lose each other. We chalked it up to a sort of youthful obsession. But it was more like a constant craving (like the song). It wasn’t a co-dependency, but a realization that we had mutually found our ideals.

I know this sounds strange when talking about two 18 yr. Kids with raging hormones, but that’s the way we see it now.

I mention this because it is important to know and realize (for us too) how close we came to losing each other.

As Brad stated, within about a month, we discovered we were both Mormons. While we were shocked because of our sexual behavior (we both lost our virginity the night we met) we knew that the common religion would be something that would either keep us together or force us apart. Over time, our relationship became more steady and we decided to "get our lives together"

Getting our lives together became extremely important to me. When I realized that I had found ideals with whom we couldn’t live without, all of the "young women" teachings and ideals came flooding back to me.

For a period I was ravaged by guilt and determined that I was going to bring Brad back to the church. I had kept him away, and I would "help" him make it back.

Little did I know that Brad was suffering the same guilt and felt he had kept me away from true happiness. He was determined to bring me back to the church.

So, it wasn’t that hard to become active again. We both "knew" the direction we should take, and we simply had to take it.

We both knew that this would include Brad going on a mission. We agreed together that it was a small price to pay for each other.

Like Brad said, there was never any doubt we would be together through his mission and after his mission. In fact we called it *our* mission so we could still feel close.

After the mission, we had planned on getting married in a while, but we moved that date up because the "physical" attraction was just so great. We never doubted we would be married, so why put it off? Our parents frantically planned the wedding and we got everything together. We were married in the Los Angeles temple on a beautiful Saturday.

Regardless of how I now feel about the temple, I will always treasure and love the covenants and the simple ceremony that day. At the time, we looked at each other and literally saw a god and a goddess kneeling at the altar. Forget the fact that our attire was ridiculous, and that my wedding dress looked so stupid underneath all that other garbage. At that very moment we were in heaven.

President Backman (I think that was his name) sealed us and said that he felt the spirit telling him very strongly to address something with us – something he had to take us outside of the sealing room and away from everyone else to tell us. He said: "You two were very noble and loyal friends in the pre-existence and Father actually held a hearing to hear your desire to be sent to earth at the same time". He then told us not to share this information with others, that occasionally the Lord reveals things to him on the spot, and that they should be held as sacred.

While we were TBM’s we always felt just a little more special than everyone else because of this. Of course a few months ago Brad asked his father (friends with the temple president) about the conversation the two men had in the hall before our sealing (nobody knew where they were, and they finally arrived together). Brad’s dad told us that he was expressing to president Backman how special we were and that he thought we were fore-ordained to be together. You should have seen Brad and I give each other this look of complete understanding. We didn’t mention it to his dad. He would have made excuses for the man anyway.

Married life was great and we never really settled into it the way others do. We agreed that we would always try to stay young at heart and not let "life" change us into different people. With both of us helping the other, I think we have succeeded to a degree. We are fun loving, positive and love life.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Much Later>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brad came home one day and asked me if I ever had any doubts about the church. I was puzzled by his question because we had talked at some length about "anti-mormon" claims and arguments he had heard on his mission. We had spiritual confirmation that the church was true and we didn’t need any "intellectual" proof I said.

He explained that he was really troubled by some things President Hinckley had been saying in the media. He told me he had been frequenting Eric’s site first as a defender, but then as an apostate.

I saw my world falling apart. This is an important thing for non Mormons to understand. In the church you are conditioned to believe that you are special. That you are set apart from everyone else. You have the spirit – not only on occasion, but if you are doing what is right by the church, you have a guarantee of the "spirit" at all times. You don’t have to worry about a thing. You don’t have to think for yourself. You have a prophet, of whom the spirit has testified to you. Because there is no "factual and objective" proof within the religion, you become completely reliant on this spirit to guide, even rule your life. Everyone claims the same knowledge by the same spirit. Therefore, whenever someone denies the church, they have "lost the spirit". Whenever someone has "lost the spirit", they have done something to cause this.

Because there are only a certain number of things you can do that will make you lose the spirit, it is quite easy for a TBM to categorize you and place you in the big filing cabinet in the brain. Even when that someone is your soulmate.

Well, I did exactly that. Looking back now, I see that I did no more than I was programmed to do. But nevertheless, it was very painful.

We struggled along for several weeks. I didn’t trust him – Period! I didn’t trust him to honor his vows and commitments to me. I didn’t trust him with our kids. I assumed he wanted now to go out and party with the guys, smoke, drink and fool around.

Looking back now, one of the strangest things was the reaction of my parents and family. Basically, Brad became persona non grata. The way they talked about him reinforced my distrust. My parents – instead of trying to console me at what I sensed as the complete loss of my relationship and life – instead of trying to help us find some common ground to keep us together, immediately turned on Brad.

At the time this didn’t seem strange because I had turned on Brad. Now, it seems bizarre to me that an institution that is so big on families would cause and promote such behavior. Don’t get me wrong – there is no overt message to leave a spouse who strays, but clearly a spouse who strays is not in the plan for church members.

Brad and I were fighting every time we were together. Our relationship was falling apart minute by minute.

My "ideal" was falling into a person who I saw as no better than a common criminal. Who I once saw as my eternal companion with whom I would populate worlds with, I now saw as a weak and dishonest pile of flesh.

After several weeks of HELL I decided to move and take our kids to live with my parents. I didn’t consult Brad. I consulted my parents. I consulted my Bishop (who in all fairness recommended that we work it out while staying together).

To make a long story short (I know, it’s too late) living with my parents was no easier. It was simple in the sense that Brad and I weren’t fighting all the time, but it was very difficult on the kids and me. I never wanted to call him because I no longer saw him as a positive. But I missed him terribly.

Some nights I would wake up at 2:00 in the morning and drive by our house just to make sure everything was all right. Most painful were the nights I would see the TV light flickering through the window. I would want so much to go sit next to him and just to see him smile and watch him play with the kids.

I cried for two months.

One Sunday my parents were talking about our situation with their home teacher. I had taken the kids to my sisters for a break and was arriving home when I heard my mom telling my life story to a complete and total stranger. Worse yet, when they introduced me to him I felt like he was really giving me the once over twice.

As it turned out, after "brother Martin" left, my mother informed me that he was recently divorced and was very eligible, but that I’d better hurry and go through with a divorce if I was interested in him as he wouldn’t last long.

Up to that point I hated Brad and I loved Brad. Up to that point, brad was no longer my hero and the one with whom I wanted to spend eternity.

However, in one repulsive moment my entire life with Brad came flooding back to me. Repulsiveness was replaced by complete joy as I was overcome with a feeling of love and forgiveness. Brad is the father of my children. Brad is my best friend. Brad is my lover. Brad is an honorable person. Brad is my husband! In that very moment I realized what was happening.

The church was doing it’s job. Helping me to find another who could replace Brad. The problem is that in that very brief moment when I saw what my mother was doing, I realized that Brad can’t be replaced. I realized that Brad wouldn’t be replaced.

I ran from the house crying with my mother following me. I jumped in the car without saying a word and headed straight home.

I found Brad reading the Book of Mormon on the couch. He welcomed me and didn’t ask a thing of me. He didn’t make any demands of me and was completely anxious and willing to take me back.

During the time we were apart, we tried to make things look as normal as possible to the people in our ward. We attended together about every other week and were in regular contact.

The problem was that I wasn’t being flexible at all. I had set up my demands, which were for Brad to be who he used to be – plain and simple I wanted Brad to be obedient, respectful and a believer in the church.

Brad and I weren’t completely out of the woods yet. I still wanted him to change back. It wasn’t important to him that I renounce Mormonism, but we both knew life would be easier if we believed the same.

Over the next year, Brad had agreed to continue to go to church and study the Book of Mormon, and I had agreed to be more open minded on the church.

Well, once I agreed to be more open minded, it was over. Within about six months I had mostly come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a fraud and that the entire church foundation was built on fraud and deceit.

I won’t go into all the historical and doctrinal details here. Those problems are best explained elswhere.

From the time I came home it was almost two years before we officially left the church. Once we came to the conclusion that we would leave, we wanted to do it with a minimal effect on our kids, us, our families and our friends. We bought some land to build a house elsewhere, and were in that process when we left for the reasons Brad gave.

So – where are we now from my perspective?

We are a closer family than we have ever been. Our children are intelligent, brilliant and wonderful. We are honest and open with our kids about the church and they seem to understand and agree to the extent that they understand.

Brad is way calmer than he has ever been. I am at peace and happy with our new life.

We actually know and associate regularly with our neighbors. In the church, whether it was because of business or because we thought we were better we didn’t have much in common with our neighbors and didn’t associate much with them.

Brad spends way more time with the children now. He enjoys the time he spends with them more because he is not thinking about and distracted by fifty things he has to remember for church.

I sew a lot and have become involved in a local group of people who do machine embroidery.

We now treasure each other for who we are and not for who we are told we are supposed to be.

We love each other and consider ourselves lucky that our family survived the split with Mormonism.