My exit story.

It is a very long story, because so much happened along the way.  I was raised in a staunch Mormon family.  Our background, is the same as many of you in that my family has been Mormon since the beginning of the church. Most of my family was too poor to have a wagon, so we came across the plains in handcarts.  My great-grandfather, James Godson Bleak, was one of the church historians during Brigham Young's time.  And family on both side were polygamists.  The only reason I give you this information, is so you can better understand my family's reaction to my leaving, and quite frankly, my reaction.

As I said, I came from staunch Mormon background.  My father, while growing up, was active off and on, and I had a sister who was a little rebellious, but my mother and other siblings were firm in their faith. 

I've thought a lot about what I would write.  How much I should include, exclude skim over.  I've decided to write this for me and my children.  Some people will say "ooooohhhhh she SINNNNNNED!!!" Others will take it in stride.  But, good, bad or indifferent, it's mine.

As a child and young person, I was very active in the church.  I was the child in the ward that understood the "deep" doctrines, and so I was chosen time and again to speak.  I think my first sacrament meeting talk was when I was 8 or 9.  I come from a long line of intellectuals, so I guess this wasn't out of the norm for us.  For some reason the adults always thought my grasp of things was amazing.  I'm not sure if I really was amazing, or if I simply was taught very carefully and fully.  I think they call that indoctrination.

As a teenager, I went to seminary, converted my friends, and went to the dances.  I did have a non-Mormon boyfriend.  Oooohhhh, that's why she left. We did normal boyfriend-girlfriend stuff, like kissing and petting.  I remember going into my bishop and repenting because I had had a make-out session.  Goddess! That's incredible to me now.  He was Catholic.  So, I went to Mass with him, so that he would be allowed to go to church with me. I had to convert him you know?  But even as it freaked my mother out that I would go to another church, it would probably have freaked her out even more, had she known how much more at peace I felt there than at my own church.  I loved the veneration of Mary.  As a Mormon, you're taught that you have a Mother in Heaven, but you're not allowed to talk to her.  So, I bought a rosary, and would say it fairly regularly.  And, in the end I continued to go to seminary, convert my friends, and go to dances.

I came, as I said, from an intellectual family, so my intelligence is probably above the norm.  This isn't bragging, it is only a statement of fact.  This created great controversy in my heart.  I was expected to go to college, get a degree, and then stay at home with my kids.  Teaching was acceptable, but only after my kids had grown up enough to go to school. That way, I could be home with them in the summers and after school.  So, I ended up going to college and majoring in English.  Don't get me wrong, I love literature, but what could have my choices been, if I had been more free to choose my career?  As it was, I never had children of my blood, so the point was moot to begin with.

I worked my way through some college, and by the time I was 21, was still single.  So, doing what my mother, father and brother had done before me, I applied to go on a mission.  I wanted sorely to go to Southern Germany, as I had gone to school there.  I went for my interview with the Bishop and all went well.  Then, I went to see the Stake President.  I was shocked at what happened next.  Two years before I had had sex with my boyfriend of four years.  I had gone to the Bishop and confessed, and was forgiven.  I wasn't excommunicated or disfellowshipped, though I was advised that I should feel that I had totally repented before I took the sacrament again.  Come to find out, just because a Bishop tells you you're forgiven and to go and sin no more, that is not necessarily the end of it.  The S.P. told me that he would have to consult with the Brethren in Salt Lake to see if I they would accept my application with such a heinous sin in my past.  (Let's see...  I have to save up enough money to live off of for 1.5 years in a foreign country.  My job will be church-work 24-7, which I will do cheerfully for free.  I will pay for everything, rent, clothes, food etc.  Oh yes, except for the plane fare to and from the place They tell me to go.  And, you're telling me I may not be ALLOWED to???)  I went home in tears.  I thought that Jesus had forgiven me, so why was this terrible guilt being brought up two years later?  Well, a week or so later, the SP called and said I would be allowed to put in my application.  I was ecstatic!  And, then, when I found out I would be going to the Munich Mission, I truly believed that God had answered my prayer.  (I still think so by the way.)  I enjoyed my mission and would be less of a person if I had not gone and experienced the things I did.  I loved Germany and its people. 

There were a couple of things that happened on my mission that started me on my way out, though I had no idea of it at the time. 

As I said, I believed that Jesus had forgiven me for my sin of fornication. To a Mormon, there is only one sin worse, and that is murder.  So, I felt this sense of deep gratitude to Him for His Grace and forgiveness.  I felt that I loved Him.  I was still ridden with guilt, and felt that I had been saved from the abyss by Him.  However, during a discussion my companion and I were having about prayer, she said to me that only those prayers that were said in the name of Jesus were heard.  And, my gut and verbal reaction was that that was ridiculous.  That anyone who prayed to God with sincerity would have their prayer heard.  In that instant, I heard with my heart what I had said with my lips and gut.  I felt that I had betrayed Christ.  I didn't say this to my companion, because my intellect told me that I was right, but how many hours did I lay awake in bed at night over several years time and pray and wonder if what I had said was really true?  In the end, I knew I was right, but that overwhelming feeling of being indebted to Christ went away.  I had done my best, I thought.  God will either accept it, or He won't.  And, quite frankly, I didn't have much say in it either way.

The other incident happened while we were teaching this one particular man. I don't even remember his name, but I do remember his face vividly.  The German's are very logical.  And, this logical man said to us, "You ladies are obviously both smart.  Does it not disturb you that you have been relegated to second status in the Mormon community to your men?"  Of course, we gave him the old line about different but equal duties.  He simply smiled and said, "One day, you will remember what I have asked, and you won't be able to answer the same."  His words stayed with me for a very long time. Fast forward about two years after my mission. I was at college again, this time having gotten a scholastic scholarship to UC Berkeley.  I was taking a full boat, working, and coming home on the weekends to teach Young Women's on Sunday.  A lot of this is very vague, as I'm sure you'll realize why.  I was having 4-5 Grand Mal seizures a week at the time and that had been going on for several months.  I remember asking my Bishop to be relieved of my duties as YW's teacher.  He told me to remember my covenants in the temple. How dare I ask to be relieved when I had promised all my time, talents and money to the upbuilding of the Kingdom of God?  (Need I say that his last name was Hinkley, and he happened to be a nephew of THE Hinkley???) 

It was the week before finals.  I was in Latin class.  I had a seizure then, and didn't fully come out.  That seizure was the straw on the camel's back. My brain fried, and right then and then I had a complete nervous breakdown due to chemical and electrical imbalances in my brain.  They took me away in an ambulance, and I never went back.  Instead, I was put into "home care" for a couple of years.  I had to learn how to read again.  How to do math. How to think in English, instead of German.  I was in a constant panic attack the entire time.  I hallucinated some terrible things.  What I didn't realize at the time, was that every time I had a seizure, some of my brain cells would fry, and therefore my memory was very sketchy.  It wasn't a good time.

During my "home care" I had a wonderful bishop.  He talked to me when I needed to, and I know would have done anything, if I could tell him what I needed.  But, like many others, I couldn't tell him, and he wasn't trained to know.  (Gary, if you ever read this... Thank You.)  I couldn't go to church because the frenetic energy would send me into the fetal position. So, I stayed home mostly.  I went to therapy and went on medication.  

When I started to come out of it, I found that the "feeling" of knowing the Church was true wasn't there anymore.  I wanted it back.  I wanted the comfort.   So I prayed, and studied.  Studied and prayed.  I read the Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants & the Pearl of Great Price over and over.  Jesus the Christ by Talmage, and History of the Church.  While reading History of the Church, many things didn't add up in my mind.  The things that were done were so arrogant.  Some of the things that were said were so far-fetched.  I couldn't reconcile what I was reading with the what I was taught in Church.   I prayed about what I'd found, and was told, that what my intellect told me was right.  It wasn't, couldn't be true.  Between the discrepancies found in the Mormon scriptures and it's own history, it had revealed itself the lie that it is.  God told me, feelings were a good thing to go on, but only AFTER you have reached a logical decision, if there is one to be made.  I talked to my parents and Bishop about what had been the answer to my prayer.  I told them, like Pres. Kimball had said, "Don't take what your leaders tell you for granted.  Pray and find out for your own."  The response was, then you got your answer from Satan.  So, it was ok if I got the same answer as the presidency of the church, but if I didn't my answer wasn't from God.  Double-speak.  And that was my first major step out.

I left after much soul searching.  When I moved out on my own again, that was it.  I didn't go back. 

In '95 I found Eric's Site (exmormon.org).  It brought up a things I'd already researched, and much more that I hadn't.  It was amazing to me that there were so many people out there like me, who had researched and prayed, and came to the same answer that I had.  And, through it all the German man's comment kept coming back.  That one day, I wouldn't be satisfied with  inequality.

How can I explain leaving the Mormon church.  It's not like leaving one Christian denomination for another.  It's not like leaving Presbyterianism for becoming a Baptist. It took me 2 weeks from the time that my husband bought me a summer dress with no sleeves to wear it.  It went down to my shins, but my arms were naked!  I felt bare, and sinful.  I waited with trepidation to see what would happen when I took my first sip of coffee. Oh, and heaven's the feelings of release when I had my first glass of wine. The feelings of estrangement that I no longer had a group to belong to. Trying to figure out what to do on Sunday's and not feel guilty about it. And, the overwhelming feeling of anger.  Anger about being betrayed. Betrayed by the people I was raised to trust.  Parents, teachers, church leaders, all had led me down a path that led no-where.  Telling me the whole time, that it was the ONLY path, and to stray from it was death.  How can I explain these things?  Only to others like me, who have been where I've been, can I adequately explain.  They are really the only ones, because they too have no words to completely explain how they felt.

By the time I found Eric's site (exmormon.org), I had been "out" for a couple of years, but was still having nightmares that I was being dragged back to church, or going to hell, or a number of other things.  My family's reaction was severe.  They pretty much ostracized me, though there was the occasional telephone call, but only because I made it.  My mother went so far as to tell me I was going to hell.  The night before I got married, my older sister called me and asked me how I could do this to my family.  I.e.: Leave the church.  My husband asked me why I just didn't leave it lie?  Why did I keep calling and trying to get back together with them?  I simply told them, they're my family and I love them.  And, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I've been a good daughter.  Or, at least as good a daughter as I could be.  You see, they feel that I have personally betrayed them.  The church yes, but that also included them.  I didn't want to hurt them, but I couldn't live with myself if I stayed.  To this point, I still haven't had my name taken off the records of the Church.  I would like to, but that would add just one more pain to my family's heart, and it isn't that important to me right now.

How did I get through it?  With a lot of prayer, (yes, I still believe in God, though now I call It The Goddess and God) a lot of strength and patience from my husband Larry, and with help from the XLDSWomen's list.  I finally feel like a whole person, and I like the person I am.  Even before I got sick, I couldn't have said that in truth.  I got through this particular fire ok, and I'm happy now that I'm on the other side.  And, where is the other side?  I believe, as I said, in a Goddess and a God.  That They are faces of the Great Spirit.  I can thank my teenage Masses for that.  I have found a religion that is me, through and through.  Mystery, ritual, self-discovery, responsibility, and free-thought.  I'm home.

Heidi Newbold (Wholly owned subsidiary of two housecats.) )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( )O( Bright Blessings, and may your path be well lit, your intentions strong.