The Songs of Zion - by MaKalob

1 - TESTIMONKEY DANCIN' AT THE TEMPLE
2 - TWELVE PROFITABLE SINGERS
3 - ROLLIN' ON TO ZION
4 - JUST ONE STINKIN' REASON
5 - THE TREADMILLS OF MY MIND
6 - ACHY BREAKY CHURCH
7 - STAND BY JOE MAN
8 - THE PLURAL MARRIAGE SONG
9 - ONWARD, BORGY SOLDIERS!!!
10 - YOU'VE LOST THAT BORGY FEELIN'
11 - COME, LISTEN TO A PROPHET'S VOICE
12 - ERE YOU LEFT YOUR ROOM THIS MORNING
13 - NUMB AT CHURCH
14 - CRAZED WAS THE MAN
15 - HIE PLACES
16 - OH, SAY WHAT IS TRUTH?
17 - WAKE UP LITTLE SNOOZIE
18 - MISHY, MISHY



SONG#1:

TESTIMONKEY DANCIN' AT THE TEMPLE
(Tune: HokeyPokey)

1.
You put your tithing in;
You take endowments out.
A bishop says you're worthy,
And you feel so devout.
You do the testimonkey,
Play a secret handshake game.
That's what it's all about.

2.
You raise your right arm up,
To the square ya hold it out,
You bow your head, say "yes."
Yes, to covenants with clout.
You do the testimonkey,
To celestial stake your claim.
That's what it's all about.

3.
You put your head in;
You take your head out;
You try some thinkin' for yourself,
But you learn to stifle doubt.
You do the testimonkey,
Blind sustaining is the aim.
That's what it's all about.

4.
You put your whole heart in;
You take a little back out;
Your hungry heart stays in;
'Midst the faith-promotin' drought.
You do the testimonkey,
And you get a brand new name.
That's what it's all about.

5.
He puts a high-hat on
And pulls a wedgie out;
The church calls them "garmies"
But a tile-man calls it grout.
A priestly testimonkey,
Borgy, ladder-climbing fame;
That's what it's all about.

6.
She puts her veil on;
Throws all her instincts out;
She tries to measure up;
(My, the pay-lay-ale is stout).
She clings to testimonkey,
And she bows to all the blame.
That's what it's all about.

7.
It's said that: "garbage in"
Will get you "garbage out."
I was living on illusion,
I could barely access DOUBT.
Installed a brand new program,
Reconfigured my main frame.
And that's why I got the heck out!!!


SONG#2:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TWELVE PROFITABLE SINGERS
(Tune: We Thank Thee)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intro.:
It was the end of another fiscal year.
The twelve members of the board had
just heard the annual financial report
of Think-In-Sync, Inc. This is their song:

1.
We thank thee, o god, for our profits.
That the membership gave in a daze.
We thank thee for sending PR-men
To show us that hype really pays.
We thank thee for ev-er-ee bonus
Bestowed in our private accounts.
We feel it a pleasure to hoarde it,
And we want e'er increasing amounts.

2.
When dark clouds of exmos hang o'er us,
And threaten our secrets to tell.
We know they are proud intellectuals,
Who surely are headed for hell.
We pray for a humbling occurance
To befall every enemy's house.
We don't want them making more burgers
Out of our prosperous, sacred cows.


SONG#3:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROLLIN'..... ROLLIN' ON TO ZION
Polly Pioneer's Song O'Remembrance
(Polly Sounded a Little like TinaTurner)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Left my good brain in the real world,
To follow brother Briggy down to SLC.
But I never saw the truth about his "gospel."
First he wanted 10%, and then he wanted me (yipes!!).
Handcart wheels keep turnin'.
Proud Polly do a slow burnin'.
Rollin' ... rollin' on to Zion.
Rollin' ... rollin' on to Zion.

2.
"This is the place" said the boss man.
Essentials of his gospel gonna change everyday.
Had to keep our mouths shut; avengers covered Brig's butt.
Busy worker bees a-dronin', strivin' to obey.
Big Deal, that guy Briggy,
Day by day, a little more wiggy.
Rollin' ... rollin' forth in Zion
Rollin' ... rollin' forth in Zion.

3.
Briggy's dead and gone with his harem;
Gordy's full o'briggy beans; ya notice lots o'wind?
Handcart pow'r is finished; personal pow'r diminished.
Big machine o'Briggy's is steamrollin' to the end.
Hoaxy-wheels keep on turnin'.
PR apparatus churnin'.
Rollin' ... rollin' on illusions.
Rollin' ... rollin' with delusions.


SONG#4:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JUST ONE STINKIN' REASON
- A Little Song to a Big Cult -
(Tune: Give Me One Reason)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
Said I'm tired of your fakey priesthood;
Oh, the truth is gaining ground.

You been rewritin' history,
You been suckin' up my tithes.
You been usin' and abusin',
With your precepts, lies upon lies.
You could come clean, choosin'
To cast that PR stuff aside (anytime).

Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
You put hobbles on the truth, church;
What was open, you shut down.

I don't want no church to squeeze me,
Box me in to play a role.
Ain't no church allowed to squeeze me;
I breathe freedom in my soul....
Ain't gonna fakey for ya, baby
I'm so ready to be whole.

This singin' heart must leave ya,
Found my reasons, found my key.
But I need to shed your shackles,
You've suppressed the best in me.
Oh, I've wearied of your side-step.
Now I'm dancin' to be free.

Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
Gimme one reason to stay here,
And I'll turn right back around.
What replaces you is quite clear.
It's integrity I've found....

Church, just gimme one reason....
Oh, gimme just one reason why...
Church, just gimme one reason....
Just one *stinkin* reason why..... I should stay.
Well, my testimonkey loved ya..... then my brain woke up one day....


SONG#5:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TREADMILLS OF MY MIND
(Tune: Windmills of My Mind)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
In my days of borgy living,
Like a hamster on a wheel,
With my FranklinDailyPlanner,
And my fate/agenda sealed.
I did all that was required,
I was going with the flow.
Swanly gliding on the surface,
Paddlin' hellishly below.

(slower):
Tried to follow what they taught,
But I did it all for naught
But the treadmills of my mind.

2.
Monday nights for family-brainwash;
Tuesday, MIA with kids;
Wednesday, practice with the choir;
Thursday, casseroles with lids;
Friday nights for temple "dating;"
All day Saturday, prepare ~
For another round of meetings.
Sundays: Smile, and just be there.

(slower):
All my worthiness was built,
With another round of guilt,
On the treadmills of my mind.

3.
I was running, I was weary;
Called to keep a "worthy" pace;
For the priesthood gave a blessing,
And they let me know my place.
I was striving for perfection;
All the right books on my shelf;
Gave "Relief" to everybody,
Everybody, but myself.

(slower):
Till I loosed the ties that bind,
Got a grip on my own mind,
Left those treadmills far behind.


SONG#6:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ACHY BREAKY CHURCH
(Tune: Achy Breaky Heart)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Go sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
Try every little schemin' dirty trick.
And when you sell the church,
Your fakey, fakey church;
You gotta emphasize the "wholesome" schtick.

2.
Go feed the sheep,
The golden, golden sheep;
You'll find that they respond quite well to milk.
And when you bring in sheep,
You fellowship those sheep
And pasturize their brains before you bilk.

3.
Search high and low,
Your numbers gotta grow.
Go door-to-door and give them what they seek.
For answers you don't know,
Let BS humbly flow;
Just bow your head and play the part of "meek."

4.
You can spout PR;
It only goes so far;
You can't fool all the people all the time.
You wrote a BriggyBook,
And that was all it took,
To take ridiculous to the sublime.

5.
So, go, sell your church,
Your fakey, fakey church...
There's still a lot of folks that you can fool.
But when they buy your church,
Your fakey, fakey church,
It's only till they go to *exmo* school.


SONG#7:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAND BY JOE-MAN
(tune: Stand By Your Man)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Sometimes it's hard to be a mormon;
Singin' praises to a horny man.
"Em" had bad times; Joe had good times,
Doin' things she could not understand.

So Joe devised a revelation.
And "Em" submitted to her man.
She had to endure. He called his lust pure,
For after all it was god's plan.

chorus:
Stand by Joe-man.
And overlook his lustin'.
Cling to your testimonkey,
When history is disgustin'.
Stand by Joe-man.
And tell the church you love him.
Put up with everything you can.
Stand by Joe-man.

2.
Oh, worthy daughters, it's celestial.
You have been chosen for a scam.
When you get up there,
He'll want his fair share.
And he'll say: "slam, bam, thank you ma'am."

And, if you love your mormon heritage.
You'll overlook Joe's wanderin' ways.
You'll say you love him, think the best of him,
His cheatin' underscores your faith.

alternate chorus:
Stand by Joe-man.
His fakey revelatin'
It gives us reassurance
He wasn't fornicatin'.
Stand by Joe-man.
His gospel keep proclaiming.
Keep giving all the **tithes** you can~~~
Stand by Joe-man.


SONG#8:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PLURAL MARRIAGE SONG
From a Joe&Briggy Point of View
(Tune: Love & Marriage)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Plural marriage, plural marriage,
It's a doctrine mormons can't disparage.
Cheatin' is required,
When the prophet is inspired.

2.
Grab 'em, scare 'em; build a harem.
Don't be selfish boys; you gotta share 'em.
God himself ordained it.
Now the members must sustain it.

chorus:
Try, try, try to woo the sisters,
This plan to swallow.
They are meant to be submissive;
It's their calling just to follow.

3.
Spiritu'l wivery, spiritu'l wivery.
Lay it on the members with connivery.
Never, ever question.
The brethren's horniest suggestion.

4.
Rewrite history, rewrite history,
'Till it all becomes a spiritual mystery.
Do the mormon shuffle,
A BriggyBook will solve the puzzle.

chorus:
Please don't try to understand it;
Enjoy illusion.
This is how the prophets planned it:
Spin, spin, spin it to confusion.

refrain (bring it on home ~ slowly and with feeling):

Bring 'em young, and bring 'em old;
Bring 'em into brother Briggy's fold.
He's our tireless brother.
He can't bed one,
He can't bed one,
He can't bed one,
Without another.


SONG#9:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ONWARD, BORGY SOLDIERS!!!
(Tune: Onward, Christian Soldiers)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PRIESTHOOD VERSION:
1.
Onward, borgy soldiers, in a baptist war.
Fortify our numbers, goin' door-to-door.
We've got keys and power; we can curse the foe.
Market research tells us that warm fuzzies gotta flow.

chorus:
Onward, borgy soldiers.
March to Hinckley's beat.
We know god's on our side.
We can take the heat.

2.
Onward then, ye elders; awaken and arise.
Don your garments, armed with faith-promotin' lies.
Milk for meat our fortress; noble is the cause.
Laugh off little couplets; revise all written flaws.

chorus:
Onward, borgy soldiers.
In a righteous war,
To the baptist rhetoric,
Rhetoric back some more.

R.S. VERSION:

Grin and bear it, sisters; never lose your smile.
Flowers on long dresses; ladylike, your style.
Sustain without complaining, blessings you will get.
Remember what's required of you: Keep off the Internet!!!!!!!!!

chorus:
Grin and bear it, sisters.
Till the battle's won.
Do not tax your sweet brains;
The thinking has been done.

PRIMARY VERSION:

Popcorn pops on fruit trees; Mama pops her pills.
Dad's out fightin' baptists; Mama fights the bills.
Tithing is expensive; got eight mouths to feed.
The chapel doors may talk to me, but don't care what I need.

chorus:
I'm a righteous follower,
I have learned the game.
If I don't grow up "worthy,"
Mom will take the blame.



SONG#10:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU'VE LOST THAT BORGY FEELIN'
(Tune: You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin')
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
You never bow your head anymore when the prophet speaks.
Girl, I heard you call all the brethren a bunch of geeks.
I'm trying hard not to show it, baby.
But baby, baby, I know it...

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, undone a temple sealin'
You've killed the testimonkey, now it's gone, gone, gone,
And you still go on, whoa-oh-oh...

2.
There's no spark in your eye when I say that the church is true.
Girl, you're starting to criticize little things Hink do.
It makes me just feel like cryin' baby,
Cause baby, something beautiful's dyin'...

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, undone a temple sealin'...
You've killed the testimonkey, now it's gone, gone, gone,
And you still go on, whoa-oh-oh...

3.
Baby, baby, now get down on your knees and stay.
I am god's man, and I know the priesthood way, yeah.
We had a plan, a plan, a plan that worked quite well,
Until you started to think for yourself --- aw, Hell!

interlude:
Baby, baby, baby, baby...
Oh why, oh why? (Oh why, oh why?)
Won't you stuff and deny? (Won't you stuff and deny?)

4.
There's no reverence now, like before when you knew your place.
Your submission was such a match for your vacant face.
It makes me so disappointed, baby;
Cause baby, I was priesthood-annointed....

chorus:
You've lost that borgy feeling, and all my power you're stealin'
Pure inspiration tells me that you're wrong, wrong, wrong...
You're too strong, strong, strong...
Whoa, whoa-oh-oh...


SONG#11
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COME, LISTEN TO A PROPHET'S VOICE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Come, listen to a prophet's voice;
And hear the word of Fraud.
Hear selective truths; milk's the drink of choice;
Wear McGarms to cover up your bod.
We've found the way to enlightenment;
Yes, we lighten wallets with our lies.
Unto all the world, our message sent;
Ever-changing, try it on for size.

2.
Ignore the gloom of overwhelming facts;
Go to meetings; follow, as you should.
Let us point the way to BigCelestialMacs,
Truth-Lite(tm)* served up for your own good.
Intellectuals ex'd because they talked too much.
You may think, but you must never share.
HappyMeals can be your lifelong crutch;
You're protected in our underwear.

3.
'Tis not in history we put our trust;
Nor on the Internet rely.
Full well assured, you know you must:
Close your eyes, deny, deny, deny.
The Prophet to his people saith:
"All the thinking has been done"
PR-ads shall feed your wavering faith,
To your head we hold a spiritual gun.

4. (Bruce McMuffin Special)
Then heed the words of mormondumb
That flow from Bruce-only-knows.
Yea, keep our laws, suck up every crumb
Or your mouth the Danites just might close.
Till thou shalt hear thy Bishop's voice
Instructing paths to be abstained;
While joy and cheer attend thy "choice"
Until all thy tithes we have obtained.


SONG#12:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ERE YOU LEFT YOUR ROOM THIS MORNING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ere you left your room this morning, did you think?


SONG#13:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NUMB AT CHURCH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
There is numbness all around,
When I go to church.
Yada-Yada is the sound,
Makes my stomach lurch.

Bishop Rick, self-deified.
Think-in-Sync, or step aside.
Stepford package, neatly tied.
When I go to church.

chorus:
Numb at church, numb at church.
Glazed and dazed, an empty search.
Get your "numbs" at church.

2.
Smiley fellows all around,
Wearing suits and ties.
Shake my hands, and shake me down.
Perpetuate those lies.

Testimonkies 'round me rot.
Fit the mold and grin a lot.
Seek for truth and find it not.
When I go to church.

chorus:
Numb at church, numb at church.
Glazed and dazed, an empty search.
Get your "numbs" at church.


SONG#14:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CRAZED WAS THE MAN
(Not: Praise to the Man)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Self-designated and greedy profiteer.
From marriage vows he took several vacations;
Duped was that Emma, damnation bid her fear.

chorus:
Crazed was the man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Power and glory was not the only prize.

2.
Blessed was Briggy to inherit the kingdom;
He led the faithful in ways that give us pause.
He far surpassed Brother Joseph in urging
Women to give all they could for the cause.

a new chorus:
Another crazed man who communed on the sofa;
Traitor, and tyrant, with ever-roving eye-yi-yi-yies.
Mingling with cheaters, and liars, believers;
Recycled power, and he thought himself a prize.

3.
Living deception as they rewrite their history;
Revising "her'tage" to fit a better mold.
Time marches on, and attracts other joiners.
Funding the profits, old doctrines are spun-told.

yet another chorus:
Crazed were those men; they commune through the ages;
Their brand of "worthy" puts believers in a jam-they-am.
Today, as the Internet is accessed by seekers;
Millions shall know HornyToads were just a sham.


SONG#15:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HIE PLACES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know guys in ^Hie^ places,
Where the BS flows
And the Borg chases the sane away,
But, I'll be okay........

Now, I ain't much for fakey faces,
Think I'll slip on down to ExM'Oasis....
And "dis" them guys in ^Hie^ places.


SONG#16:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OH, SAY WHAT IS TRUTH?
(4 extra verses that were mistakenly
left out of the hymn book ;-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Oh, say what is truth? It depends which year;
Let the PR department decide....
If our loyalty's clear to the prophet and seer,
Our ever-changing history will be perfectly clear,
And a warm fuzzy spirit will guide.

2.
All truth is dispensed as we need to know.
And the HieGuys decide what we need.
Some truth isn't useful to gods-in-embryo.
In diligent oblivion we're going with the flow;
Staunch, unquestioning faith is our creed.

3.
Oh, say what is truth in regards to god?
It's whatever we want it to be;
And we want it in line with an old iron rod.
The thinking has been done by our leaders - unflawed.
And we love flex-i-ble history.

4.
Oh, say what is truth? It's behind which door?
We can choose *not* to seek, ask or knock.
Exercising our faith doesn't mean keeping score.
Tho' spiritual mysteries may dumb-us-down s'more,
We're the *worthiest* lambs in the flock.


SONG#17:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEMPLE-SNOOZING
(Tune: Wake up Little Suzie)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
We missed a handshake or two;
My Doughboy hat is askew.
The movie's over; it's time for the veil;
Remember the tokens, please do!
Wake up little Snoozie!
Wake up little Snoozie!

Well...
Why do we keep playin' the game?
Why do we keep takin' the blame?
What're we gonna tell our friends when they say:
"shame, shame, shame" - ?
Wake up little Snoozie! Wake up little Snoozie!

interlude:
Well, I told the bishop we'd do two sessions by ten.
Well, Snoozie baby, we forgot our NoDoze again.
Wake up little Snoozie! Wake up little Snoozie!
We're snoozing IN SIN (gasp).....

2.
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
Wake up little Snoozie; wake up!!
The movie wasn't so hot; it didn't have much of a plot.
We missed our share of the PayLayAle; our reputation is shot.
Wake up little Snoozie!
Wake up little Snoozie!

Well...
Why do we always come back for more???
And pay 10% for this chore (duh)???
The vain repetitions, the signs and the tokens:
are all just a BLOODY BORE!!!!

Wake up little Snoozie!
~ ~ ~
Wake up little Snoozie!
~ ~ ~
Wake up little Snoozie!


SONG#18:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MISHY, MISHY
A Farewell Hymn for New LDS Missionaries
(Tune: "Israel, Israel, God is Calling")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.
Mishy, Mishy, Hink is calling
Calling you to proselytize.
Babble on, all logic falling.
Work on "stats" and earn your prize.

chorus:
Run from zion; run from zion;
Open up those borgy eyes.
Run from zion; run from zion;
Zion's courts are filled with lies.

2.
Soon, suppression is descending;
Comes pre-packaged "truth" your way.
MissionPrezie's goals extending,
He'll decide what you can say.
[repeat chorus]

3.
Many doctrines can't be mentioned.
Don't expose the meat just yet.
Gentle "milk" is well-intentioned.
Lying for the Lord?? You bet!!
[repeat chorus]

4.
Mission rules, oh weep and read 'em;
All they want is all of you.
All your time, your thoughts, your freedom;
Assim-il-a-tion is the view.
[repeat chorus]

5.
Play the game out on your mission.
Dunk the masses; question not.
Pass on fables, superstition.
Teach the same as you were taught.
[repeat chorus]

6.
Mishy, come back home a hero.
Bask in glory while you can.
In your borgy gut is "zero."
Homogenzed is your LifePlan.

new chorus:
Flee from zion; flee from zion.
Someday, you'll be glad you ran.
You don't have to dwell in zion.
GET OUT, MISHY, WHILE YOU CAN!!!!



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