Thank you everyone for your kind words. I appreciate your sharing
with me, a complete stranger, your experiences. It makes the journey
a bit more smooth.
There is so much underlying stress that goes along with making the
decision to leave an organization such as this. It is then even more
difficult living in a total mormon community where you find either
mormons or "the others" who have had such negative experiences with
the close knit mormon community here in Utah.
So many things are approached as though everyone here is mormon.
I was watching TV a couple days ago. Over and over again when the
station broke for a commerical it was the one about the saints at war
book written by the GA's of the church. It was probably on KSL, I
can't remember. Then, when I listen to the news at night I can't
help but wonder what some of the anchors think about constantly
having to report on LDS "stuff". What it must be like to live
elsewhere I do not know.
Right now, at our home, we don't talk about this decision I have
made. If it is not talked about, everyone is more comfortable.
Except ME ! I have to pretend. I have become very good at
pretending. One day I might pretend my way out of sanity! Why
should I sacrifice my opportunity to share my pain with those that
apparently care the most for me? It is not allowed. Talked about
and a couple things might happen. Either, satan will appear in the
form of "mom" or all **** will break loose and we just might not live
in a "happy home".
When the kids come home and after I have asked about their day then
they ask about mine, I want to answer "Well, the neighbor called
today and wonders why I haven't been coming to church". And when I
told her why, she started to cry. Then I went to the mailbox and low
and behold there inside the tiny little box was the packet of reading
material, Ensign, New Era, and Friend. So I chuck it in the trash if
no one is looking and I go out to get the paper, when returning I
find a "reminder of enrichment night" taped to my front door. (by the
way, if anyone out there is taping those to the door you need to know
it pulls off my front door paint). Use a rubber band or better yet,
pass my house by!
So, after preparing dinner (I still do that sometimes) the door bell
rings. I answer it. It is the missionaries my dear daughter has
invited into our home. She forgot to tell me she had approached them
Sunday about converting one of her non-mormon friends. Well, I
pretend to be kind, after all they are just young men. Why they could
be my son, if I had one. There is a knock at the door. My neighbor
has locked himself out of the house and I have a spare. We swapped
keys just for this occasion. As he is standing there talking with me
trying hard not to notice my attire (sleeveless top) I am gracious
and give him his key wondering inside if he will still "trust" me to
continue to keep it, after all I was not wearing garments. He, is the
If I could tell my kids truly how my day went, it would relieve alot
of underlying stress. The pretending to not be hurt, possiblity that
I have become some freakish zealot religious crazed Christian or
better yet Atheist! (I am a respector to all, just making a comment
on the judgement calls of said mormons.) And I might just sleep more
sound. With the knowledge that the ones I love the most in this world
can return their love unconditionally.
PS The above instances were true occurances. Do not try them at
home! Just the day in the life of a mormon woman living in Zion. Do
I sound bitter?