Subject: Who's not leaving whom alone?
Date: Nov 07 10:59
Author: Jolimont

I moved within Utah County. I never attended church in my new ward, as a matter of fact I told my new neighbors I had been inactive for years. The next day the phone and the doorbell started to ring, it was invariably concerned LDS ward members who wanted us to do all kinds of things: go meet with the bishop, attend a ward social, the primary president who said she "missed" our 3yo (they had never met,) home teachers, visiting teachers, elders quorum visit, high priest visits, here's a loaf of bread and won't you come to RS on Sunday. Must have been a dozen phone calls and at least that many visits in ONE MONTH. We told everyone the same thing: we're not interested in church. We don't want to go, we're only letting you in to be good neighbors.

Such visits went on for 3 years. Thankfully the frequency of visits went down to 2 or 3 a month, but why the hell do I need 2 visits a month from a church I don't believe in? They knew we didn't believe and didn't agree, but they still came month after month and gave us their messages, and we were supposed to sit there and not argue with them, because that would brand us the anti-Christ. One lady got all teary when I told her I didn't care to ever go back to the temple. How am I supposed to deal with those people? Pretend I agree? They are in MY HOME and I'm supposed to tiptoe around their damn feelings? I would have never brought religion up if they hadn't.

On this board I only talk to those who have lost the faith. We don't try to attract believers. I know this with certainty: you've never had to put up with visits in your own home from apostates who are giving you a message and expect you to shut up and listen, have you? Go back to, you'll feel more comfortable there.

Subject: "Missed" is just Mormon codespeak.
Date: Nov 07 11:52
Author: Tyson Dunn
Mail Address:

We should probably add it to a vocabulary list somewhere. Mormons can "miss" you, even if you've never met, they've never spoken to you before, and they wouldn't give you a second glance in the street without being told to do so.

Missed is just codespeak for "you didn't go to [fill in the blank: Church / Primary / seminary / Conference/ Institute / Enrichment / Scouts / Mutual / the Ward Temple Trip / the Ward Picnic / ...] and I've been assigned to pry into your life to figure out why".

Mormons almost never really miss you. They're too busy "working out their own salvation" to do that.


Subject: How true!
Date: Nov 07 19:15
Author: opinionated

How many times have we heard on this board about an exmo bumping into a TBM neighbor somplace public like a store and the TBM says "I've missed you!" and the exmo thinks or says, "Funny, I still live three doors down like I always did and my phone# hasn't changed..."

Subject: well said Joli! (funny story follows)
Date: Nov 07 12:27
Author: luckyman

I'll never forget the time I moved to a new city and somehow the local ward got my contact information (it was probably one of my family members asking the locals to fellowship me...)

Anyway, the locals got their wires crossed. Instead of sending home teachers over to my place to try to get me back to church, they sent me a Home Teaching assignment through the mail!! I was assigned a companion and three families to home teach--none of whom I knew...

I laughed for days...


Subject: I wasn't good enough
Date: Nov 07 12:45
Author: Tom

I wasn't good enough to home teach in Utah County. I'm old enough to have been the baby sitter for the self-righteous EQ Pres, but his actions really got me thinking -- "they don't want me, and I don't want to go, so why not be true to both of our real desires?"

We only attended a few times when we moved there, mainly because of peer pressure from all of our neighbors.

It wasn't too long after I made that choice that I also lucked into finding this web site. I'd much rather associate here than there.

Subject: Wow, weren't you tempted to fulfill your
Date: Nov 07 12:47
Author: tanstaafl

"inspired" calling by visiting your assigned families and leaving them some truthful (i.e. "anti-mormon") pamphlets like this one:

or maybe this one:


Subject: What's so funny about that? ....
Date: Nov 07 12:47
Author: Weeder

as a TBM I was almost always given a HT assignment of a bunch of people I didn't know.

Subject: guess I should have clarified...I was X'd years and years ago...they didn't even check to see if I was a member... n/t
Subject: I used to get phone calls one to three times a day from different people
Date: Nov 07 12:28
Author: Matthew

and visits a couple times a month.
Once I got my letter saying that I was no longer a member they all stopped except for a couple stragglers who didn't know I was then officially no longer a member.

Subject: You can leave the church, but the church just can't leave you alone n/t

Subject: You got more patience than I do.
Date: Nov 07 12:37
Author: MoNoMo

Some Mormons are very pushy in order to get in-actives back into the misery that they themselves are experiencing such as never having enough time to enjoy a good cigar.
I’m amazed at the frequency of visits. Two or three a month seems excessive to me and I would consider it as harassment.

If you want the intrusions to stop you will have to take the bull by the horns and let the proper “authorities” know that you are not interested in having these assigned visits.

Do not be suckered into meeting with the bishop who will express concern about your inactivity. He isn’t concerned at all about you per say. He is concerned about not having your devotion.

The visits stopped immediately at my home when I wrote my resignation letter, which included that any church related visits are not welcomed.

Having to listen to their messages is enough to drive a man to drink.

Subject: Re: driving men to drink.
Date: Nov 07 12:52
Author: tanstaafl

First-hand experiance with that one:

HT companion when I was a deacon stops at a bar "to make a phone call and get directions to next victim's house" or something like that. I think, that's strange, why call from a bar, aren't you supposed to avoid the appearance of evil.

After 5 minutes I realize "appearnce" had nothing to do with it. Then I was really pissed, since I hated HTing and this guy obviously did too, or why was he drinking, what the hell were we even doing. Unfortunately, I kept these thoughts to myself at the time.

Subject: Re: Who's not leaving whom alone?
Date: Nov 07 12:47
Author: David

Gee, I don't know whether to feel slighted or lucky when I read your responses to this post. I've been inactive for a long time and still haven't had anyone from the local ward call or drop by to see me. They know where I live too. I guess maybe I should consider switching brands of deodorant or something. ;)

Subject: All kidding aside, offer them a beer
Date: Nov 07 12:47
Author: Robert

I was inactive, moved to another ward, and hoping I'd never see a Mormon again. No sooner had I moved in, than I heard a knock on the door. It was two people from the church who were in my "new" ward. Somebody in my old ward must've tipped them off. Anyway, there was silence, and I noticed that they were looking at my Heineken that I had just opened. I couldn't stand the awkward silence, so I asked "You guys want one?" Turned out to be a quick visit.

They never visited again.

Subject: Reminds me, a European tourist just came home and told
Date: Nov 07 18:17
Author: Jezebel

us how weird it was, when he and his buddies hired Harley Davidsons to drive around the Grand Canyon, and when they drove across Utah border one day they couldn't even get a f... beer anywhere. (I could have warned him about that before he traveled...) Otherwise, he said, the trip was just incredibly fantastic. I don't think he'll ever want to see Utah again.

Subject: I haven't been bothered by them for 7 years
Date: Nov 07 12:55
Author: scott jt

I moved to a town up north for a bit, then moved back, never told anyone I moved back and if they ask me at a store or something I just say I'm visiting. They don't think I live here anymore so they never bother me. ;-)

Subject: unwanted attention?
Date: Nov 07 12:55
Author: kristinela

I have never gotten this kind of attention in the last 10 years of active menbership in the LDS church even when I wanted it! If you come every Sunday, do they really "care" about you? We lived in one ward for 4 years and never had home teachers visit. I've noticed that new families moving in are often asked to speak in sacrament meeting to help the other members get to know them. We have been in 4 wards in souther Utah county where we lived for at least two years or more in each ward and while every ward seemed to have this practice, we were never asked. I find that odd since we were both "converts" and you'd think the MORG would love to have those kinds of stories offered up for the masses.

The funniest thing I just remembered is once when we first moved to Utah, my husband was asked to speak at a men's session of some conference (stake, I think). A man approached him after the meeting and relayed his enjoyment of my husband's talk and offered his friendship (this guy & wife were around our age). We were called and set up a get together at our apt. They came and gave us an Amway presentation! We were shocked! Of course they still pretended to want to be friends. They left us some junk to look at...tapes videos...and left. The guy called several times to ask what we thought. We didn't think much. Fianlly, he asked for his stuff back and continued to insist they wanted to be friends. I called them at least three times after that asking to get together but we never heard from them again. I had forgotten this until just now! One more irritating think you can compare the church to is an MLM! Funny, too, is the fact that Utah is source of so many MLMs.

Subject: Reminds me of our EQ President
Date: Nov 07 14:25
Author: Bernie W

He was also our home teacher. His profession-insurance salesman. He used the hometeaching visits for business. I never bought.

Sorry that people were so cold to you. It always amazes me how Mormons can welcome one family with open arms, and yet, completely shun another family that are the same age and socio-economic level. That is of course, unless you're rich, than you'll be a celebrity in every ward. As I was preparing to leave the church, I found that the ward's coldness, if not blatant unfriendliness, helped me leave. It's so easy to leave a group of people that treat you like shit. Sounds like the same happened to you.

Subject: no animosity
Date: Nov 07 18:26
Author: kristinela

Frankly, it hasn't been all that bad. I know my husband always dreaded having to get up and talk. He'd probably view it as a relief. Overall, our mormon experience has not been a negative one even though we are leaving it behind. The reasons for leaving are not the people...there are jerks in every walk of life.

Subject: Re: no animosity
Date: Nov 07 23:44
Author: Adrienne

That last comment is so true! The majority of the Mormons I knew were generally nice even when I wasn't considering the church. My ex-husband and his mom are the Mormon jerks I've had to put up with. I basically left because of the overall teachings of the church that women are considered property and only around to have babies. That, and the other issues such as the forgery of the BOA and BOM and Joesph Smith's secretly practicing polygamy years before his "revelation."

Subject: My head is spinning with your wisdom, Jolimont!
Date: Nov 07 13:03
Author: Cheryl

First, I'm not smart enough to learn French. Yet, here you are, a native French speaker, using "who's" and "whom" better than most native born Ogdenites!

I loved Tyson's mormon definition of "missed." It reminded me of times when never-mos used the word with me. I caught myself recoiling until I realized they actually meant "missed," the way it's used in the real, non-mormon world!

You're right! It is most certainly mormons who won't leave non-believers alone. Well, they finally do sometimes shun them on occasion when it's certain they aren't reactivation bait.

My husband has made a visit or two into TBM territory to show them what harassment feels like. Believe me! They actually hate it more than we do.

Very interesting post.

Here's to no more harassment!

Subject: I have an idea
Date: Nov 07 21:17
Author: Zia
Mail Address:

I've never tried it, but maybe you could, since you have lots of opportunity. Next time someone visits you from the church and brings up church stuff, like the temple, then say something like, "I will never go back to the temple, I hate it." ( or something to that effect.) When the person gets all teary-eyed and hurt, then say, "Hey, you brought it up. If you can't handle discussing this, then maybe you should talk about something else." I think after a while they will quit talking about church matters to you. That way, you can give a blatant hint about your true feelings, you can put it back on the person who brought up the subject and pretty soon they will either leave you alone or talk about more important things.

If I had the opportunities, I think I would try this out myself. It's like behavior therapy for the hopelessly tbm. If you make it uncomfortable for them to discuss it, they will find other things to talk about if they truly want to be your friend and are truly concerned about your welfare. My instinct says they are only interested in you as a member, nothing more. Too sad, because I bet you are a wonderful person inside and out. Good luck with your dealings with these visitors of yours.