Mormon Mission Memories Part 3.1

Subject: my return to my mission 10 years later
Date: Dec 03 16:05
Author: mouse

Hi Everyone.

Over Thanksgiving week I attended a non-mormon wedding in Arizona. The wedding and reception were very nice. I was a little jealous remembering my hectic temple wedding, luncheon, and boring reception, followed by a VERY short honeymoon before rushing back to continue school at BYU.

Anyway, I was in Arizona on my mission about 10 years ago. I had always thought it would be interesting to go back, yet it was a little weird to do so now that I'm a non-believer.

After the wedding we stayed an extra day to check out some of my old mission areas.

We went to Eloy, a very small, dirty, and poor town where I had spent a large amount of time on my mission. The small branch there was half english and half spanish speaking. We spent a significant amount of our time simply keeping the branch functioning. There were 3 sets of missionaries in this small town when I was first there. We worked very closely with some of the members.

It was Sunday and I was hoping to be able to attend the branch services to see who was still active. I asked a cop if they knew where the Mormon church met. (They didn't have their own building, and I knew they were no longer in the old location.) She said that there hadn't been a Mormon church in town for years.

I then went up and attended sacrament meeting at a Spanish branch in Tempe and a spanish ward in Mesa. I saw a few members that I remembered, but not one person I had taught or baptized.

There was one family that I remained very close to from my mission. I had taught and baptized them and returned shortly after my mission to witness their sealing in the temple. They had come to my wedding reception, and visited me in Utah and California. They were the success story from my mission. Even though their kids quickly lost interest in the church, they remained faithful.

I hadn't heard from them for a couple of years, but that was not unusual. We would have no contact with them for a couple of years and then they would suddenly show up on our doorstep for a visit.

We wanted to return the favor of an unannounced surprise visit. So, we stopped by their house. It turns out that they are now getting divorced. This was very sad for me. I really loved this family! The father had been unfaithful and was out of town. The mother was living with her sister. We visited with her, and it was obvious that she hadn't been attending church and wasn't wearing G's. The church never really came up in our conversation. I'm glad that our relationship seems to have transcended the church.

I was left with mixed emotions. On the one hand I was glad that no one I taught was stuck in a false and demanding church. On the other hand I was saddened that all my hard work and energy was for nought.

I doubt that a single person I taught on my mission is still active. Sure, I grew up some on my mission; I learned some things, I help some people. But overall I have to say that it was an incredible waste of time, energy, sweat, money, etc. even from a TBM point of view.


Subject: Re: my return to my mission 10 years later
Date: Dec 03 16:14
Author: Tiger Style

It is certainly disconcerting to consider just how much time/energy/money a lot of us poured into our missions from a non-believer perspective. I do agree with you last statement as well - even from a TBM perspective, most missions are pretty much a waste.

That brings me to my real point: I don't think the Church views conversions/baptisms as the primary purpose for missions. I think they view the primary purpose as cementing future Church/Priesthood leadership. The mind control, intimidation (spiritual and otherwise), obedience drivel, etc. is all for one purpose - to make sure that young and impressionable men are set on the right path to one day lead the Church at its various levels and if not to lead, then to follow well. That is what the Missionary program is all about in my mind. It's one of the primary means the Church has to perpetuate itself.

Can you imagine the inactivity rate without the Missionary program? My guess is it would be MUCH, MUCH higher than it is now - esp. in the cradle of the Church (Utah, Idaho, Arizona, etc.)



Subject: Re: my return to my mission 10 years later
Date: Dec 03 16:15
Author: Tiger Style

It is certainly disconcerting to consider just how much time/energy/money a lot of us poured into our missions from a non-believer perspective. I do agree with you last statement as well - even from a TBM perspective, most missions are pretty much a waste.

That brings me to my real point: I don't think the Church views conversions/baptisms as the primary purpose for missions. I think they view the primary purpose as cementing future Church/Priesthood leadership. The mind control, intimidation (spiritual and otherwise), obedience drivel, etc. is all for one purpose - to make sure that young and impressionable men are set on the right path to one day lead the Church at its various levels and if not to lead, then to follow well. That is what the Missionary program is all about in my mind. It's one of the primary means the Church has to perpetuate itself.

Can you imagine the inactivity rate without the Missionary program? My guess is it would be MUCH, MUCH higher than it is now - esp. in the cradle of the Church (Utah, Idaho, Arizona, etc.)



Subject: A vision on the eve of returning to a mission city ...
Date: Dec 03 16:20
Author: Soho Preacher

While in France a few years ago, I decided to drive down from Paris one Saturday night to a city in which I spent several months of my mission. This city was very difficult to keep alive - but I had had success there. At the time I left, only a dozen members (on a good Sunday) attended services. Despite the few active members, I had enormous faith for this city. I remember promising the members that the church would grow there - mark my words. Most missionaries that served there became incredibly discouraged - I thought they lacked faith.

Well, Saturday night I stayed in a hotel with wife and daughter. We had gotten into town too late to track people down - plus I relished the expected surprise on their faces. I had a very real, powerful dream of my visit to the branch that night. The little chapel (actually a small house) was full, members I had known were anxious to greet me, I bore a powerful testimony, etc. So, filled with excitement, my wife, daughter and I arrived at the chapel. We walked in the door and heard four voices singing a French hymn with strong American accents. My heart sank, deeply and desparately. The four missionaries were the only ones in attendance. The members (including those I had baptized) were inactive, had been exed or went apostate. Some were banned from missionary contact altogether. The missionaries spoke of the impending closure of the city to missionary work - and one family in a neighboring city that held promise. Rien ne change. The only solace was in the fact that a few old members from that city (read 3) now attended at a new branch in another city. But what had happened to my hopes for the city, my inspired predictions, my endless prayers?

The city was eventually closed - left to the Catholics and JWs to feast on the spoils.

Subject: 5 years after, much happier visit
Date: Dec 03 17:39
Author: spinner

I finished my mission to Vancouver, Canada five years ago. I have actually revisited it a few times. The first few times I revisited were to see a girlfriend up there whom I had baptized. Each time I went up, I would stay with members and go to church, visit old converts, etc. Plus, it was a great place to visit for a few days--what a gorgeous city!! Well, after my girlfriend and I broke up, I had less reason to visit. I hadn't been back for about two and a half years.

Well, last August I made my first trek up there as a non-believer. Well, what a great time. What a feeling to be there doing all the things I never had the time/money/freedom to do as a missionary! What's more, my girlfriend (not the one I baptized) was along. Well, I didn't visit any members, didn't attend church, didn't stop by the mission office, just went up there and had fun! If none of you have had a chance to go back and visit your mission as an exmo, it is a profoundly satisfying thing. Somehow, it is like ridding some demons from your soul to be in a place where you had staked your entire existence on the church but to be there as a regular person. Having a beer and getting laid in my old mission area was one of the most liberating feelings I've ever had. To be there as a regular person, enjoying the wonderful people and the beautiful scenery was amazing. I've never felt freer of the church than I did when I cast it away in the one place where it had gripped me the most tightly.

Mission Memories Part 3.2

Subject: Mission Reflections...
Date: Dec 03 12:52
Author: Tiger Style

I am a 27 year old RM who has been thinking about the "mish" quite a bit lately. After reading some of the posts found in the archives of this site pertaining to mission rules, mission stories, etc...I felt compelled to share a few thoughts. Humor me.

Allow me to begin with this caveat - I served an honorable mission. I trained at 5 months out, was DL at six months, ZL at 11 months and AP at 17 months. I never once broke any "major" mission rule. I don't say those things to brag (big f*cking deal, right?), but only to remove the usual TBM retort that usually goes something like, "You were probably a terrible, disobedient missionary and therefore nothing you say is relevant." You guys know the drill. I can honestly say I put 110% of my effort into my mission. I only wish I could say that the output equaled the input. It most certainly did not.

Looking back on it, it's hard to relate to my mindset as a missionary. We were subjected to extreme amounts of spiritual and intellectual intimidation from our MP (a convert who was "on fire" for Mormonism). His leadership style can only be described as dictatorial. I cannot recall a single Zone Conference that he didn't berate us inordinately for disobedience, frivolity, etc. Nothing we did ever seemed to be quite good enough. We were never obedient enough, never diligent enough, never "worthy" enough. Sure, he expressed his love for us, but these expressions of love and concern seemed perfunctory in nature. I had the "privilege" of working very closely with him for my seven months in the mission office and nothing I saw did anything to sway my current opinion of him. It is really staggering to think of all the brain-washing we were subjected to. We had a list of rules that was some 20-odd pages, front and back. At my one year mark he outlawed basketball, which effectively robbed us of our only true joy in the world.

The more I reflect on it, the more it angers me. Here we were, 19 year old boys (for the most part), doing what we were literally compelled to do by our family, friends and Church leaders. We were trying mightily to do the right thing, to be the right kind of missionaries, to "return with honor". We were full of raging hormones and insecurities - just immature little kids really. But there we were, trying our best to make lemonade out of lemons. Trying our best to serve our God and our Church. Yet there was little or no sympathy/empathy from our MP - only demands to sleep less, work less, work more...think less, work more...etc. etc. What a sham the whole thing was. I can honestly say that roughly 75% of the people I baptized are no longer active. You know, all those over-age youth that pump the numbers! I was in Idaho, so we had a plethora of those. We flat out lied to people to get them in the waters of baptism. Lied! Or withheld truth, which is lying in my book.

I'm really not bitter - the experience taught me a lot of lessons which continue to serve me well. There is no reason to be bitter about things that are and cannot be altered. But sometimes I wish my parents knew (they have no idea) what kind of intimidation we were subjected to. I wish they knew what a load of absolute crap they spent their money on. I'd have been better off in the Marines.

My 20 year old cousin isn't going to go on his mission. I haven't given him any advice either way (don't want to make waves), but I'm glad he's not going. I don't want him to suffer what I suffered. I don't want anyone to.



Subject: My third returned missionary son had similar ...
Date: Dec 03 13:05
Author: Gazelle

experiences to yours.

It turned out that his two older brothers also had the same experience, but had not vocalized it until the third son did.

This third son finally deciphered the Mormon code just as you have done.

Luckily, I just listened to his concerns without being judgmental since no one else in the Mormon Church wanted to do so. At first, I internally disagreed but kept my feelings to myself as I could see he was in emotional pain from his mission. But, he had some very good points, especially on the spiritually abusive side of his mission.

To make a very long story short, he helped us all see through the real Mormonism.

Do not underestimate the positive effect that your experience can have on your family and your friends.

He has had an amazing effect on our family and on the youth and members of our Ward.

Members of our family are all in various stages of withdrawing from Mormonism.

We are a patient family so we respect those who are still closer to Mormonism than others. But NO ONE in our family is as "mind controlled" as before his return and his disclosure.

Be kind to yourself as you have been through a tough journey to finally realize that Mormonism is all a bunch of nonsense. It is a very tough realization at first.

Best wishes always in your recovery.


Subject: Re: My third returned missionary son had similar ...
Date: Dec 03 14:15
Author: Rocannon

Nice story, Gazelle. It's amazing how many missionaries have negative experiences but never talk about it; it seems to be getting worse as the Church pushes numbers more. In fact, as the kids go out better prepared and more faithful, it probably makes it EASIER for them to be manipulated and pushed around by unethical Mission Presidents. So should lone wolf exmo's encourage their children to not serve missions? Touchy question.

I completed my mission; my younger brother came home after one month in the field. Only now, for the first time, does it occur to me that he was the smart one.


Subject: Easier once someone else has opened the door ...
Date: Dec 03 14:44
Author: Gazelle
Mail Address:

I think there is a code in the Mormon Church to never speak badly of your mission. That is what my first two sons did.

Once my third son started talking about his bad mission experiences, I was surprised to hear many TBM's who I respected tell my son and me very privately how much they hated their mission experiences.

His experience opened a whole change of dialog in our Ward that simply was not there before.

Some, who had not gone, chose not to go.

Others re-looked at their missions with new eyes and began to share the manipulative and spiritually abusive behavior of their mission presidents. Some became inactive.

I have tried to assure my son that his mission did a considerable amount of good because he is such a good and honest person that when he exposed the abusive practices, members listened.

Thanks for sharing your story. You and your brother both did the right thing, your timing was just different.


Subject: Reply to Gazelle
Date: Dec 03 15:41
Author: Rocannon

Gazelle, I've been checking old threads. You're a CPA! Outstanding.

About the Council of Fifty (the thread was closed): it was an official but more-or-less secret group set up by Joseph in Nauvoo. It included a few non-Mormons, which is interesting. It was intended to be a device for governing the secular side of the Kingdom of God. It was continued for a few years by Brigham Young, but then went away.

The best reference is a book by a non-Mormon scholar, Klaus Hansen, entitled "Quest for Empire: The Political Kingdom of God and the Council of Fifty in Mormon History," which was the first place I ever ran across it.

About missions: I have two teenage boys and the Church is still a presence in my life, hence my interest in your experience. The mission question is going to be a big deal in a couple of years.


Subject: Thank you, I is amazing how much I have learned since visiting this board.
Date: Dec 03 16:11
Author: Gazelle

I had never heard of the council of fifty before yesterday.

My ignorance is probably from only reading officially Mormon Church sanctioned materials on Mormonism. So much is left out.

Regarding your two sons, you have a real challenge before you if you know the truth of Mormonism.

I have asked my fourth son to please not serve a mission, and he has agreed to not serve. I have encouraged him to talk to his brothers about their experiences and I think they have enlightened him.

However, I never pushed missionary service with any of my sons, but the first three served anyway. It is like a "right of passage" into manhood in Mormonism, and all of their friends and their parents were encouraging it.

You do not have other sons to help you so you are in a very different situation. My guess is that they are good kids and will be wrapped up in the excitement of "serving the Lord" and will go because their hearts are in the right place.

The one thing that I would do is to help them understand spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically abusive behavior and outright tell them that it can occur from their mission presidents and that they do not have to tolerate it. They are welcome home anytime.

Make sure they are prepared and that they know you love them.

It is like the necessary discussions we have all had to make with our children about what happens if someone touches them in inappropriate places on their bodies.

As a side note, all of them thought that the Temple washing and annointing was touching in inappropriate places. But that is a another story.

Best wishes in your continued recovery from Mormonism!


Subject: same here
Date: Dec 03 13:57
Author: lost soul

I had the same experiences, but like you, I learned valuble lessons that I adhere to till this day.

It infuriated me and I was so angry for a while. Now it's such a joke - I just laugh it off. Nothing else I can do about it. I yelled at my mission president once while we were having "companionship interview" (i.e., I don't have enough time to interview everyone, so we will talk in companionships).

He was really coming down on us for not keeping our numbers up - implying that we were not "following the commandments", or "obeying mission rules" - if we were, we would have been blessed with baptisms. He also made some choice comments about how our actions in the mission field may be what determines whether we get into the celestial kingdom or not. I was furious and told him that I have never been one to be motivated by guilt or fear.........

My comp hated me becasue of that terribly apostate comment..

my oh my... what the hell was I thinking going on a mission? ... looking back it seems so insane...


Subject: Re: Mission Reflections...
Date: Dec 03 14:22
Author: ink

My first MP was great (we were even allowed to go to Disneyland on P-Day!); the second was more like yours, albeit, president Hudson sounds like he was nicer. Even so, each president played the same "I know if you're more obedient then you'll get more baptizms", as if it were some mathematical function:

baptisms = f(obedience)

I still catch myself, now, at 30 years of age and 8 years off the mission, with new revelations and insights about the mind control we were under. It wears off over time; my youngest brother is on his mission right now, and it's hard for me to even write to him, which is sad, because I raised him (he was born when I was 11). I started leaving the church while I was on my mission, but I've detailed that in other threads already.

Anyway, good luck at deprogramming! :o)


Subject: Re: Mission Reflections...
Date: Dec 03 16:30
Author: Hanuman

I too suffered from not feeling that this was the "best two years of my life". I thought that there was something wrong with me too. Everyone else had the best two years of their life, why didn't I? However, while on my mission I soon realized that most of these Elders were not such strong pillars of faith. Which was what I thought when I originally had the discussions as an investigator. I realized that these 19 year old kids were pretty much just like other 19 year old kids except they didn't drink, smoke, or "fool around". At least on their mission anyway.

(Later I found out that many of the Utah missionairies were much different then the others but that's another story!)

I began to see through the haze of this facade while there. I detested the rantings of the MP. How he attempted to browbeat us into submission with threats of not getting into the Celestial Kingdom or people not joining the church due to our disobedience. "You wouldn't want those poor souls spending eternities in the telestial kingdom due to your getting out of the apartment 30 minutes late now would you Elder?" I really detest the man who served as our MP and would love to tell him so!

The worse thing was coming back to the ward and reporting on the whole thing. Then they have you start making the rounds to other wards or firesides or both. Teaching Sunday school as a guest speaker to the aaronic priesthood, all the time furthering the propaganda machine of the church to encourage these 16 - 17 year old kids to enlist in the mission. Luckily I was off to BYU in two months so I didnt have to do too much of that. At least at the "Y" you culd hide out as a regular student in the maze of RM's and just cruise by in a sea of other students.


Subject: HUMOR: Of course it's a function of obedience.
Date: Dec 03 16:57
Author: Tyson Dunn

You know:

baptisms = 1/MSQ * LIFE * WGC + O*MTC


MSQ = mission suckiness quotient; high outside the Old World, lower in New World; correlated to local wealth and education.

LIFE = language incompetence factor (estimate); country-dependent and a real killer in countries like France and Italy.

WGC = "Wrath of God" constant; misnamed, because it actually varies all over the place depending on how much God hates you on any given day, but it tends toward 0.

O = obedience; scaled from 0% to 100%, usually lower than RO (real obedience) because no missionary knows all the rules that the president just thought up.

MTC = missionary theological constant; a very small positive number, usually around 0.00001, and corresponding to how many of one's personal ministering [Mormon] angels can dance on the head of a pin.



Subject: Missions are more for controlling the missionaries...
Date: Dec 03 16:55
Author: Kim

...than for converting the world to Mormonism. The methods the church uses to lure in its prey are highly ineffective (e.g. tracting) but missions are often effective to hook the missionaries themselves in to the cult. One doesn't generally devote two years of time, money, and energy to such an exercise without an intention of sticking around in the cult. Of course, the expectations of family, friends, ward members are very powerful to a 19, 20, or 21 year-old who wants to please them. The stigma of NOT going is so strong that the option of going on a mission is not really so much of an option at all.

That church strategy backfired with me. It was about 6 months into my mission that I got fed up with all the fear and guilt tactics being dished out. No matter how much I fasted and prayed and knocked on doors, I didn't find anyone to baptize. Being told over and over that one is a failure or that one must not be spiritual enough or doing something wrong when one is doing all he can do indicates that something is wrong with the program. Something (actually everything) is wrong with the Church.

My 19 year-old nephew just received his mission call to go to London England. I also really don't want to see him waste his time there as a missionary, although it would be a great place to go otherwise. If he's lucky, he will figure out what a crock of shit the Mormon Church is there.


Subject: Re: Missions are more for controlling the missionaries...
Date: Dec 03 17:10
Author: lost soul

I was under the impression that a VERY HIGH percentage of full-time missionaries wind up going inactive after their missions. Like you, indoctrinating me via a full-time mission was just not a highly effective maneuver. Does anyone know what the statisstics actually are on this? I was told it is as high as 50%.
Subject: Having been successful in not sending one of my kids off on a mission
Date: Dec 03 17:21
Author: MoNoMo

I feel truly blessed not having contributed to the Morg's spiritual abuse.

In my family-circle my family is the only family which has refused to send gullible minds into the jaws of hell, known as the mission field. Of course we are being considered as sub-human, but we do enjoy our sanity.

This to me spells success.


Subject: The Virginia Roanoke mission laid the groundwork for my leaving
Date: Apr 14 20:08
Author: flash

My mission was a “testimony destroying” event instead of the “testimony enhancing” event portrayed by all the teachings I was subjected to for the prior 19 years before I went.

I went to the Virgina Roanoke Mission in the late 70s. For the first 3 months, we had a reasonable man as MP, McPhie. He was one of those rare leaders in the church who truly cared how his missionaries were and did what he could to lift them up when they were down. But he was released and a tyrant named Moscon took over. He had the inspiration of a fencepost, the social skills of Sadam Hussien, and he did not care for the feelings or health or safety of the missionaries under him. Life out on a mission is bad enough in having to endure the loneliness from friends, girlfriend, and family, getting doors slammed in your face, sweating like a pig in the Virginia Heat and humidity dressed to the hilt riding a bicycle. But to have to put up with an arrogant slob for a MP was too much for my soul. He belittled me constantly because I dared question his stupid policies.

On my mission, my testimony died a little more each day. Here I was, trying to sell a religion to already happy people; selling a religion that was making my life a living hell. As others have stated before me, I worked all the promises such as praying morning and night, following the rules, trying to appear happy, and fasting. I pleaded with God to comfort me in my loneliness and despair. But nothing ever worked. None of the promises panned out. No comfort arrived. No help from the Lord to open doors. No blessings of any kind manifested themselves out on that mission. In fact, the more I tried, the worse it got. If I ever let on that I was feeling this way, it was always said it my fault. I was not worthy, I was not sincere enough, I was not spiritual enough, I was not “anything” enough to warrant help from God. I was even told point blank by the MP “Elder XXXX, you are a failure as a missionary” because of my low numbers of investigators. The moment I heard that, whatever testimony I had was instantly vaporized. I knew at that moment I wanted nothing more to do with this church again. I finished the last 4 months so my parents could have their bragging rights in the ward of having an RM son

After returning home, I found my girlfriend gone. Another example of prayer not answered. How empty I was after enduring that 2 year mess. I gave up everything I had to go, car, girlfriend, education opportunities, only to find myself 2 years later at point 0. What a waste of time and money. . My parents to this day blame that mission for driving me out of the church.

My mission experience turned on a light that enabled me to see the trap door to escape from Mormonism. How sweet it was to slip through that door into a life where I can live and be free and not be tied down and smothered by a church organization that would consume every moment and thought of ones life.

On very rare occasion, I sit and think about how miserable my life would be now if I was still in the church imagining I have 5 more families to HT this month, a talk in sacrament meeting to prepare for this Sunday, and having to sit in meeting upon endless meeting all Sunday and every Sunday, listening to crying babies and taking the sacrament after the flu infested kid in the previous row sneezed all over the tray. I think I am going to puke. (This is why I rarely think about it)

Subject: You've brought the memories flooding back.
Date: Apr 14 20:36
Author: Lurker 2

I was training my second new missionary and was trying to teach him good, honest work habits etc. The rest of the zone were having a ball, calling each other by their first names, baptising people off the street the same day they met them, calling almost any contact a discussion (for reporting purposes) and here was I, reporting honestly and doing my best. And what did the MP say to me at Zone Conference interview? "Elder C. you have the lowest figures in this zone and that really isn't good enough - we need a bigger effort from you and your companion." It was my last area and by the time I went home, the MP and AP's realized something was wrong down there due to member unrest, because the AP's took me aside and asked me to tell them what was really going on. I heard later that they made some big changes. I asked myself why the MP had not the inspiration to realize what was happening, rather than unjustly bawling me out. But even that MP said to me as I left " You've been a good elder." Your MP should have been ashamed of himself, telling you that you were a failure. Anyone familiar with the rigors of mission life would know that you were a person of character and a success just by being there.

Subject: I grew up in Roanoke, VA.... (one cuss)
Date: Apr 14 20:43
Author: simeon

In the late 70s I would have been a Deacon, I was really into the Scouts, nearing Eagle.

I hated church. We attended at the Stake Center in Salem in the Roanoke 2nd ward. There was a bishop, that I still have hard feelings for, that was a complete ass. I think he is most responsible for my lack of activity as an adult. Looking back through "adult eyes" I know that he was on a power trip. What a jerk.

A mission was never a thought for me. I opted for the Marine Corps after High School and wouldn't change that. I remember he gave me a interview right before I left for Parris Island. He was trying to tell me that the Marines "could be my mission" and I could do the lords work there.

Almost all of the youth during that time have dropped away from the church.

I don't know if I'd remember you even if you "served" at the 2nd ward but I'd love to email you about common friends.

Subject: Re: I grew up in Roanoke, VA.... (one cuss)
Date: Apr 15 02:31
Author: anon

Me too. It's a different church out there in some ways.
I can't imagine what it was like being a missionary there.

Subject: Been There
Date: Apr 14 21:21
Author: Tyler

I hear you Elder! I served in Argentina, amongst beautiful people, Beautiful scenery, excellent food, and a wonderful culture. I lived much the same way you did; miserable because of a smothering religious duty that brought no joy or fulfillment or even real service to the people I was amongst, only drudgery, depression and extreme unhappiness.

I never have shared this story with anyone, but you seem worthy to hear it and maybe it will give you a good chuckle.

I was so disillusioned, unhappy and felt that all my prayers were not only unheeded, but it seemed like I recieved exactly what I didn't want. After months of extreme frustration and madness I finally reached my breaking point. I looked up in the sky and literally cursed god with every profanity I could think of. I promised GOD that if he would come down I would put my foot right up his ass and smash him as hard as I could straight in his lying friggin mouth! LOL

I literally hated GOD and the mission with every fibre and energy of my being.

Anway maybe you'll find that funny, maybe not. Either way I understand every word you wrote and felt exactly the same.


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