Subject: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 29 23:14 2003
Author: InfidelCowboy

The misshies [missionaries] kind of upset me with their "milk before the meat" concept. I would like to compile a list of meat to help out people see what the Morg is all about before they get dunked or too far invested (time/money/relationships) to open their eyes.

So please help me out. Remind me of the stuff that TBM's only talk to each other about, because the rest of the world would just shake their head in amusement or disgust!


Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 00:08
Author: InfidelCowboy

To get things started,

Magic underwear. Mormons believe wearing underwear with some sacred symbols will prevent them from becoming physically harmed, and they believe lots of stories about people surviving accidents because of it.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 00:16
Author: **

How about the part where you will become a god of your own planet, where you will have children to populate that planet in the afterlife. Or how about the you may be sealed to your family, but it may not be the family that you end up with in heaven. God may have intended you to be with other people, but it never happened. (Some may not recognize this, but I swear to you that this was an answer I got to a question once... long long ago.) How about you cannot get into heaven without knowing the password and handshake to get in. Or that a man may have more than one wife, and it is up to him to call the wife up into heaven in the afterlife. If he calls one wife, but not the other, oh well. She gets to go down. Joseph Smith once said that a man in ten times more likely to get into the celestial kingdom if he has ten wives, not just one.
The biggest one for me still is the Mountain Meadow Massacre. Did you know that when some of the bodies were studied, before getting reburied, that the women and children were shot at close range in the top of the head. I think that they are hoping to bury this story back down into the past. I think that they are succeeding. I ran into this story by accident. I had no idea. Maybe it is that I am in Canada and not Utah, you know the center of the universe.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 00:28
Author: InfidelCowboy

oh, yes. we can't forget that God lives on a planet or by a star named Kolob.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 00:42
Author: Kaye P.

They believe that you can find out the name of everyone who has been born on the planet and then baptize them even though they are dead. They spend hundreds of thousands of collective hours trying to accomplish this. (They even build temples for the purpose.) During those hours, thousands of babies are born who don't even live long enough to be named. Or, whole populations are wiped out in euthanasia or famine sweeps through continents killing millions. The Mormons don't care, though, they just sit and go through those birth records to baptize dead people. Cause that's a really worthwhile thing to do. They never do Chinese records, though, or African records that I know of. They aren't going through the records offices in Afghanistan. I guess just some people get to be baptized after they are dead, or we just haven't got to them yet. When I ask my mom about this, she said that God will take care of the ones we don't find. She never answers the questions, "Why doesn't God just do it, then? Why do we have to go through these records and try to accomplish an impossible task?" Well, she answers, but you know the answer. "Because, the prophets have said so." That's the answer.


Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 00:51
Author: D. P Gumby

let's see in addition to those above:

Adam - God theory

Blood atonement

United Order

The entire Temple Endowment

The Garden of Eden being in Missouri

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 01:10
Author: InfidelCowboy

And the curse of Cain. Blacks and other dark skinned people were less valiant in the pre-existence. I am not sure if this is ever taught any more, but I know older Mormons KNOW that it is the truth.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 01:23
Author: stringbean

You should not waste your productive years doing silly things like getting yourself established financially and emotionally stable. What you should be doing is getting married as early as possible and having babies. Then, even though you've known your spouse for only six weeks, keep your marriage strong. After all, you're sealed for eternity.

Subject: Basic purpose of temple: to get secret passwords and handshakes that will permit us entry into Heaven!!! n/t

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 07:00
Author: Switz1

God was once a man just like us but became God

God had actual sex with Mary

There IS no Trinity like other people believe. God is God, Jesus is the Son of God and the Holy Ghost is someone else. (I never really figured out just what it is they think about HG)

ALL other religions are of the Devil

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 07:26
Author: ExMoron

The sun and the moon are inhabited, because God would never let so much space go to waste.

The flood story and the Tower of Babel story are literal.

Evolution is false.

Apparent dinosaur fossils are the machinations of Satan. He shaped rocks as if they had been bones of past giants to deceive the very elect.

Satan can't enter the temple.

Satan has control of the waters.

Satan can't read your mind.

In the celestial kingdom we'll all have personal seer stones.

The Elders will save the constitution.

Christ will establish new Zion in Missouri.

At some future, secret time, select priesthood holders will be called to a special, secret meeting to prepare for the imminent return of Christ.

JS was more successful the Christ.

on and on...

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 09:21
Author: Richard the Lion-Heart

The events surrounding the Tower of Babel actually did happen. Until then, everyone spoke the Adamic language. And when the tower was built, a group of faithful people (who had prayed to have their language preserved) fled to the Americas and crossed the Atlantic in supersonic submarines with windows and shining stones. These were the Jaredites. (See Book of Ether in the Book of Mormon.) But they were all killed, just like the white Nephites, and that is why we don't have any traces of their civilization, or any white descendants among the native populations of the Americas. (Only the descendants of the cursed group, the Lamanites, who did not pay tithing or live the Word of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity, so they ceased to be white and delightsome and became brown as Cain.)

All the structure, practices and rituals that exist today in the Mormon Church have existed since Adam. Baptism, for example. Adam was baptized, just like any Mormon today, by immersion. The Spirit dunked him in the water, and then brought him back to the surface. (As I read this passage in the "Pearl of Great Price" back in Seminary, I couldn't help laughing out loud. How freaking ridiculous.)

The scriptures and leaders say that we will have to wait until the Final Judgement in order to be assigned a kingdom of glory. Till then, every one is waiting, either in Paradise or in the Spirit Prison. However, Doctrine and Convenants says that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are already gods. And I have already heard leaders say that Joseph Smith has also become a god already. Maybe they sneaked their way in.

Families are sealed forever, and parents take great pride in the fact that their children are sealed to them. But eventually each child will also become a god in another planet, and there will be no such thing as a parent-child relationship as we have today. Every "worthy" member will be a god in some different universe. Why the bother of sealing parents to children?

Men cannot get to the highest degree of glory alone, and neither can women. Marriage is essential. Bachelors and spinsters will be damned and will eternally burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, where there is weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Oh, but spinsters will be shown some mercy. If they pay their tithings and abstain from cappuccinos until their last breath in mortality, the Lard will be kind enough to give them a man in the afterlife - but she will be just one of many wives of this faithful stud. (One more pearl in his crown.) As for bachelors, they did not honor their penishood, so they will have to scrub heavenly toilets, sweep celestial floors and take out Kolobian garbage for the rest of the eternities. If they are gifted enough, they might be allowed to play the trumpet to praise and honor the ones who actually married forty wives and now seat in thrones of glory. (Or are lying in celestial beds having sex in order to populate worlds with spirit children.)

Everyone will be resurrected. Everyone will have a perfect body for the rest of eternity, whether they end up in the celestial kingdom or elsewhere. So those who eventually become gods will have physical bodies and will have actual sex in order to make spirit babies to populate their planets. So a man and a woman will have physical sex, and the woman will get pregnant, but the child will actually be a spirit. After nine months expecting her little ghost, the ethereal baby is born and starts standing in line to be sent to some planet in order to finally get a physical body. This ghost has to wait until another couple in some planet has sex so he can again enter a womb. And the story goes on.

The Church is so family-oriented!!! But if you don't pay one of tenth of your income, do not give up your Coca-cola [in some areas] or do not stop playing with yourself, you won't be able to attend the wedding of a sibling or a child in the holy temple. And the only way to ever see your family again in the afterlife is to pay, pray and obey until the end. Any minor mistake, and you are alone for ever.

Even if science shows the existence of hermaphrodites, transexuals, bisexuals and homosexuals (and even common sense just cannot deny it), there is no such thing according to Church doctrine. Gender was assigned since the pre-existence, and there are no mistakes whatsoever about it. (See the Proclamation on the Family.) People in the world can be born with all shades of hair color, skin color and eye color, all heights and weights, all kinds of differences (left-handedness, colorblindness), physical problems and disabilities (blindness, deafness, inability to walk, Down syndrome, all kinds of mental disabilities), but in gender there is no exception and no diversity at all. You are either a boy (who obviously is supposed to like girls) or a girl (who is obviously supposed to like boys). God would NEVER make a mistake about it... YEAH FREAKING RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

And the list could go on for ever.

Richard the Lion-Heart

Subject: RICHARD..........
Date: Jan 30 10:21
Author: Tee
Mail Address:


Richard, are you out of breath (or do you have blisters on your fingers) after that one?!?!


I think you covered just about all of them!

Subject: Re: RICHARD..........
Date: Jan 30 10:27
Author: InfidelCowboy

NO!!! This can't be all of em.

I still remember my mom telling me that we are all going to hike to Missouri when Jesus comes back. And since these have been the last days for several days, I don't see why more people don't start moving to Missouri while they still have cars?!

Subject: Sure, there are SO many others...
Date: Jan 30 11:22
Author: Richard the Lion-Heart

Sure, there are hundreds of others. I had fun coming up with those ones, and I wish I had more time to list others. For now, let me just mention a couple more.

Although leaders do not want to talk about it, they do admit that there is a Heavenly Mother. Maybe the reason why they do not want to talk about it is because actually there are thousands of Heavenly Mothers!!!! After all, God, being an exalted man, is worthy enough to have hundreds of wives. So the human race has hundreds, thousands or maybe millions of heavenly mothers, depending on the horniness of their polygamous god.

Joseph Smith saw God the Father, Jesus Christ, and received dozens of other angelic visits (Moses, Elijah, Peter, James, John, John the Baptist, etc) But in order to "translate" the Book of Mormon, he still needed to resort to magical devices (a kind of 19th century crystal ball) and to wear a breastplate with supernatural powers.

The golden plates were written by Jews who had fled to the American continent and spoke and wrote in Reformed Egyptian fluently, even after centuries and centuries of isolation. Not only were they prophets, but they were all experienced linguists and goldsmiths. Plus, the golden plates, upon which earthly prophets had carved inspired messages for thousands of years, lay hidden in Cumorah for over a thousand years. But then, for some reason, the Lard decided to send an angel to take them back in his wings and hie to Kolob.

Joseph Smith really did not want to start polygamy, but a powerful angel with a sword threatened him and made him do it.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 11:15
Author: Franz

Patriarchs are a sort of fortune teller to the righteous. Everyone is either born into or adopted into a tribe of ancient Israel. JS translated the BoM perfectly (in spite of the grammatical errors), though the plates later were taken back by the angel. JS had multiple wives, though...not really. God speaks Elizabethan English, and expects us to do the same with Him. Church leadership is infallible doctrinally. If you pay tithing, you won't burn at the Second Coming. Ad nauseum...

Subject: What bothers me about this...
Date: Jan 30 13:30
Author: Adam 12

is that the GA's never confirm or deny these weird things. They just let members believe what they will believe and the nonsense perpetuates itself in Sunday School, Priesthood and RS classes.

Subject: More meats
Date: Jan 30 16:44
Author: hello kitty

Three Nephites are roaming the earth right now, for some reason.

Jesus was married, probably to more than one wife. And he had kids -- lots of them.

Jesus, too, had to get his "endowment" -- yep, he, and the apostles, did the secret handshakes and wore the green aprons and baker's hats. And did the penalties and the five points of fellowship. Perhaps the oath to avenge Joseph Smith's death, as well. All of the ancient prophets did it.

The cold war between the U.S. and the Soviet Union is clearly prophesied in the Book of Revelation (an oldie but goodie from my 80's childhood)

We are in the "Last Days". My generation was saved until the end, because it is so outstanding. But as a result, Satan is working extra hard on us, trying to get us to leave the Church.

"We believe in the literal gathering of Israel, and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes. That Zion, the New Jerusalem, will be built upon the American Continent, that Christ will reign personally upon the Earth, and that the Earth will be renewed and will receive its paradisical glory." (Yes, I wrote that from memory. I learned it and the other Articles of Faith when I was 8, so I'd get a candy bar from my primary teacher. I asked my mother what it meant, and she had almost no idea)

The Earth in its present state is the telestial kingdom. The glorified Earth will be the celestial kingdom. Or something like that.

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 16:55
Author: foxystoner

what freaks me out is the rm that I used to date shared these "facts for the elite" with me. like it was a great privilege. it scared the shit out of me but he and his rm friends seemed to feel pretty special since they knew god's great secrets but the rest of the world didn't. ohh, the poor delusional tbms.

Subject: The celestial pyramid scheme.
Date: Jan 30 18:42
Author: Dydimus

1) We are co-eternal with Elohim. We were intelligences that were born to Elohim and a heavenly mother (we may not all have the same heavenly mother though).
2) We must give all glory to Jehovah who will give all glory to Elohim to raise him up; Elohim will give all glory to his savior who will give it to His God. and so on...
3) That eternity ends. And so it will go on through out the eternities. Note: On this one their might be some theory of relativity that TBMs might try to point out.
4) This one is actually biblical: That giants (where they came from, no one has given me the same answer, some say Cain's sons) chased Noah trying to kill him (but they were destroyed in the flood. But how did they survive the flood? [Goliath and his sons]) That Noah had put not only two of every kind of animal but 7 of each "clean" animal on one boat.
4) The city of Enoch was actually floating around in the sky, and this is what the people were trying to reach when they built the Tower of Babel. Because the people couldn't be translated yet until they had the "fulness" of the gospel.
5) That God never changes and the laws/gospel/priesthood/keys are eternal and even Elohim himself is bound by these eternal laws...except for temple rites, scriptures, prophecies and revelations of various prophets (mostly J.S. & B.Y.) these can be changed by anyone who is sitting in the President or is a G.A. of MorgCorp.
6) That 3 Nephites, John the Revelator and possibly others are still walking around performing Houdini or Penn & Teller like tricks...but J.S., Elijah, Moses, and others are already resurrected and Gods.
7) That "Men" and men only can perform miracles, and women can only receive these benefits from "Men".

Subject: Re: List of Silly Mormon Beliefs - List of meats
Date: Jan 30 19:07
Author: ex-believer

When church leaders went to ask for a young teenage girl to be his polygamous wife the girl and the family were warned of damnation if she didn't comply. The girl was generally forced into marriage to protect the family. Sounds like young girls had about as many rights as the Taliban. What adds insult to this is in church records today they aren't even mentioned as a wife. They sacrificed all that only to be forgotten in history.

Subject: The Earth used to orbit Kolob, but when Adam and Eve fell...
Date: Jan 30 19:30
Author: John

...the Earth fell from it's orbit around Kolob to its current orbit around the Sun. So the 'fall' means the Earth literally fell. Brigham Young and other leaders taught this from the pulpit. Coo-coo, coo-coo.

Subject: Yet more meat!
Date: Jan 30 19:56
Author: hello kitty

Joseph Smith will help Jesus and God judge us at the "Last Judgment", because he is the prophet of our dispensation.

The "Millenium" is coming soon. Jesus will rule the Earth for a thousand years; most of that time will be spent performing temple ordinances for the zillions of people for whom we did not previously have geneaological records

Jesus and Satan are the savior and bad-guy, respectively, of many other worlds.

This the most wicked of all of God's worlds -- only this one would actually kill Jesus.

Jesus used the Priesthood to heal people.

All of the prophets, and possibly some other priesthood guys as well, were "foreordained" in the pre-existence to hold their callings and positions, because they were so valiant

We're not allowed to talk to, or about, our Heavenly Mother, because that might lead to talking about her "in vain," which would hurt her feelings, and make our heavenly dad mad. If we're bad here, and don't worship our older brother enough, heavenly dad will never let us see our heavenly mom again. She's our mom, but for some reason she never writes or calls. Some mother!

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