Subject

Subject:	My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 11 05:33
Author:	Observer2
Mail Address:

Since there are new people arriving on this board all the time, surely it must be time for more ' funniest things I've seen at church' stories.
Over the several years I've been looking in on this board, there have been some real howlers. I have sat with tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks as I read the details of some of the stories submitted. My favorites are:
1. A story from a guy named Sam from Australia who posted many funny stories. This one gave details of a fist fight that developed towards the rear of the congregation during the intermediate hymn of a sacrament meeting. As I recall, a non-member husband burst into the chapel and tried to strangle his TBM wife. Some members and missionaries came to the wife's aid and a full scale fist fight developed, one of the missionaries said to have landed the most telling blows after losing his cool.
2. The story of an old guy who had gone to sleep during sacrament meeting and was woken suddenly when the person speaking at the pulpit burst a paper bag to make a point. The old guy woke with a start and exclaimed loudly, "HOLY SHIT!"
3. The story of a couple of young priests who had smuggled a miniature TV into the shelf under the sacrament table, so that they could silently watch a football game after they had administered the sacrament. One of these boys forgot where he was and when his team scored a touchdown, he cheered loudly, causing the entire congregation to discover the presence of the TV.
Anyone else got any new stories - or old ones that deserve repeating?

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 11 07:41
Author:	jerichomagic

Stake president's son making the sign of the cross before he said the sacrament prayer. He didn't bless the sacrament again.

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 11 08:54
Author:	soloban
Mail Address:

We had this crazy old guy in our ward who must have been pushing 90. He had some crazy beliefs such as : bathing was of the devil (by the way he smelled, he could have cut to the first of the line in heaven), and he didn't cut his fingernails either, and he was very hard of hearing. The chapel had a PA system that was on the brink and one month the visiting HC was giving a talk and the PA system went out. He looked back at the bishop who was fiddling with the controls trying to get it to work again, then shrugged his shoulders in a "well, crap, its out for good" pose. The HC says "well, I guess I'll just have to speak louder." and procedes with his talk. Crazy old guy in the second row yells out "LAY HANDS ON IT BROTHER!" Everyone in the chapel hears this and does their best to suppress fits of laughter. The HC remains calm and says "Well brother, usually we reserve priesthood blessing for sick people, not malfunctioning equipment, and I believe the SP mentioned that a crew was coming next month to replace your sound system with a brand new one." Old guys looks up at the HC and says "OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH." This was too much and everyone nearly choked on their laughter, including all three members of the bishopric. Classic moment.

Subject:	Deacon takes a tumble
Date:	Nov 11 08:56
Author:	maxie
Mail Address:

The chapel in the ward house had a choir section at the front, with a half dozen wide stairs. As a deacon was passing sacrament to the choir, the poor deacon tripped and took a header down the carpeted stairs. He wasn't hurt but he sure was embarrassed. This fellow was kind of the ward klutz anyway, god bless him.

Subject:	Here's another sacrament disaster.
Date:	Nov 12 04:46
Author:	I'll pass this time.
Mail Address:

Deacon passing water to grandma, her daughter and toddler on daughter's knee. Grandma is lifting the cup to her lips when toddler lunges for the tray, tipping it upside down into Grandma's lap. Grandma exclaims 'Oh glory' and deacon quickly kneels to retrieve empty cups and try to control his laughter.

Subject:	Party poppers in the hymn racks
Date:	Nov 11 09:11
Author:	Makurosu

I've told this story before, so forgive the repetition, but one Sunday some of the youth booby trapped the hymn racks with those exploding party poppers. After the opening hymn, we all put our books back in the racks and it was like caps going off around the chapel. Some people screamed. I salute whoever did that. It was the best gag I ever saw at church.

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 11 10:00
Author:	L. O. Him
Mail Address:

When Harold B. Lee was Prophet-a youngster was giving his testimony when he declared that Robert E. Lee was a Prophet of God.

A Polynesian youth was giving a talk and, having a little trouble with English, said-Jesus came to laminated the world. I think she meant illuminate. Hey, get out the super size box of Saran wrap!

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 12 04:54
Author:	ScottySoprano

We from time to time, as priests, salted the hell out of the sacrament water! We were selective, so that only a few would get it, in the congregation. However, the Bishop got it one Sunday, and got so pissed at us, he later came into our priesthood meeting class, and cursed like a pirate for desecrating the sacrament!! We didn't know which was worse the "Trucker mouth" he spewed forth, or the fact that we made a mockery of the most sacred portion of the morg sabbath day!

Subject:	I believe this may be funny for Brits and Australians.
Date:	Nov 12 06:31
Author:	United world.
Mail Address:

A nervous bishopric member at our chapel got up to open a meeting and welcome the Stake president. He apparently wanted to both welcome the SP and thank him for being there. He got a little tongue-tied I guess and came out with 'I'd like to wank President _______ '

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 12 18:53
Author:	Rusty Hinges

A couple of stories, and I'm new to the board, so hello.

A member of the stake presidency is speaking at stake conference re: the welfare system. He says something like, "So brothers and sisters, we are encouraging these people to get full or FART-time jobs -- meaning part time, of course. There was a stunned silence and then everyone, including him, burst into laughter.

At a cousin's missionary farewell: My grandfather was sitting next to my little brother when the little brother passed gas. Well, it was on those old wooden benches, so it reverberated throughout the chapel. Everyone managed to keep a straight face until my grandfather leaned over and said (loud enough for everyone to hear), "Don't worry, son. Your grandma does that all the time."

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 12 19:11
Author:	Lindsay_Helm
Mail Address:

In sacrament meeting there was a special musical number, and i must have been 8 or so, and my brother about5 or six. well i whispered to him before the song ended to be sure to clap really really loudly so the girl would feel really good. so, my brother being the sweetest kid, listened to the meanest sisters advice, and clapped and yelled "yea!" when she was done singing. everyone started laffing. me most of all.

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 12 19:54
Author:	Lara
Mail Address:

When I was a teen they baptized a guy into our ward who was clearly a little off, with what I know now I chalk it up to desperate elders being pushed for quotas. The guy looked lke a vampire and had a fixation on his dead mother. One day he got up during F&T meeting and actually started SINGING his testimony in an awful voice and finished by saying "well,that's the end of my miscarriage". Another time he got up and kept rambling on how much he loved his mother and how he would like to crawl back into her womb! Then,unbelievably, he opened his jacket to show the congregation all her pictures he had sewn into the jacket's lining, and he even had a miniature brass CASKET dangling from it. The guy from Psycho came to my mind. I heard later that the EQ had instructions to bodily remove him from the stand if he ever attempted to bear his testimony again.

Subject:	Here are some of my all-time funniest experiences in church
Date:	Nov 12 21:32
Author:	SusieQ#1

Here are just a few that I recall:

The time the High Council speaker was talking in that dry, monotone drone telling us the same things over and over like we were little kids in Primary and the bishop was asleep on the stand and snoring.

The serious Stake President going on and on and counseling (not by commandment, he said) the young people in how to address the "brethren" as Bishop and President and not refer to the local bishop whose name was Bud as: "This Bud's for You"!

The "sister" who bore her testimony about how she was healed from a urinary tract infection (she did not actually say urinary tract infection, but we got the point) and had no pain sitting on the organ bench that morning!

The "sister" who was called upon unexpectedly to say a closing prayer when we were studying the poet Robert Frost in the "Out of the Best Books" series when we really learned something in Relief Society and thanked Heavenly Father for the wonderful lesson on Jack Frost.

The "brother"who was playing a word game in our home with other members and said: "orgasm" when he meant to say organism and no one missed a beat and ignored his faux pax!

The little child who thanked Heavenly Father in her testimony for her "brothers and sisters" and she did not have any "sisters."

The pianist, during choir rehearsal in the chapel, accidentally tossing the next piece of the score off the piano and exclaiming: oh shit.

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 13 03:37
Author:	jello salad
Mail Address:

My top 5 moments in fast & testimony meeting would have to include:

1) A new convert stood up to bear her testimony and kept talking for about 25 minutes about all the terrible things that had happened in her life -- with no real positive point to the story: her depression and eating disorder; her sister being a lesbian and committing suicide; her brother who was on drugs. Little Primary kids were asking their parents what "lesbian" meant and the Bishop was looking like he was going to die. Finally he stood up and asked her to "wrap it up." The poor woman obviously needed counseling.

2) A teenage convert fervently bore his testimony at the pulpit and fainted. He was going on and on about Joseph Smith being a prophet; he became very emotional, started sobbing huge sobs, and all of the sudden, plop, he was down. It was very strange. He was alright though.

3) A friend of mine was bearing her testimony with her two young sons, who were known to be the ward terrors. She let them talk first, and they gave sweet little testimonies, and were very thankful for their mommy. Everyone was amazed. But as soon as my friend starts giving her testimony, the boys run off under the sacrament table and find another microphone. One of them yells: "Is it on?" Their voices boom across the chapel. My husband laughed so hard he started crying.

4) One of the cool guys in my singles' ward mispoke in his testimony, saying he knew President Kimball was a living prophet. Everyone just cracked up -- it was 1991, and Pres. Kimball had been dead for six years. I think the guy needed more sleep.

5) The time one of my ex-boyfriends, who was sort of an oddball, was giving his testimony. He was known to be quite spontaneous, and speak with the "spirit." At the end of his long-winded testimony he threw in praise for his family. "I'm so grateful for my family -- they're just the best damn family anyone could ask for."

Subject:	Mission to Portugal
Date:	Nov 13 09:30
Author:	rofecoxib
Mail Address:

One of my borthers received a mission call to one of the Portugal missions. The stake President seemed to be a little ignorant of geography. When he set my brother apart for his mission (in front of all the family) he kept saying the "Lesbian, Portugal Mission" instead of Lisbon. He must have said it two or three times, and everyone was biting their tongues to hold back the laughter.

Subject:	Re: My all-time favorites from the 'Funniest things that happened at church' file.
Date:	Nov 13 09:42
Author:	ricky
Mail Address:

I've posted this before, but it's my fav:

A relatively new convert giving a sacrament talk about the BOM and repeatedly referring to the "genitals coming across the waters....", wanting to say of course "gentiles coming across the waters."

Subject:	Demonic Child
Date:	Nov 13 11:17
Author:	Gadfly

Subject:	a tbm roomate (byu) told me of a kind of sad one...
Date:	Nov 13 12:27
Author:	anon
Mail Address:

The teachers (aaronic PH) who set up the sacrament table put vinegar in one of the cups - just for fun. The quite older lady who was unlucky enough to get it actually had a heart attack. All of the teachers were interviewed multiple times and though they all knew what happened and who did it, they all lied and said they knew nothing. My roomate talked about how guilty he felt about lying but thought that the guy who did it would certainly go to prison...

Subject:	An RM's Freudian slip and hysterical attempt to correct it
Date:	Nov 13 14:04
Author:	annie_girl
Mail Address:

An RM was speaking in our ward, and told how he had recently been called as "Father" in his singles ward. He had a big crush on the "Mother" of the ward, and decided it was a great opportunity to ask her out. So he called her and told her that since the prophet counseled parents to have a date night once a week, he thought they should meet and do something together. Then he said "So we went to a hotel to discuss our callings as ward parents..." Here the congregation broke out in hysterical laughter. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked around. Then he stammered something like "Did I just say hotel? We didn't go to a hotel. Really, we didn't. We went to a restaurant. Really. I've never been to a hotel with her. Really. Or with anybody. I mean with a woman. I never have. Really. Oh crap!" and he laid his head down on the podium for a few minutes until the laughter died down.

It was the funniest moment I've ever seen in a meeting. Poor guy.

Subject:	Quoting Grateful Dead
Date:	Nov 13 14:21
Author:	MollyNoMore

There were a couple of guys in my parents' ward who were speaking on "senior Sunday", when all the kids graduating from high school spoke. The first gets up and reads some lyrics from a Grateful Dead song and attributed the quote to: "A wise man named Jerry". His buddy gets up right after him, quotes ANOTHER Dead song, attributing it to: "a wise man named Mr. Garcia". It made me chuckle, but I don't think anyone else caught it.

Subject:	An old high councilman talked about how he used to love to eat dick.
Date:	Nov 13 14:51
Author:	Joe
Mail Address:

The congregation had a hard time keeping a straight face as this old man droned on and on about his days growing up as a poor boy on a farm. Sometimes all they had to eat was flour and water. They would put the flour in a bowl and mix it with water to make a kind of paste. This was called 'Dick'. He said it might not sound too good but when you're a poor boy who's hungry, dick tastes really good. He droned on and on about eating lots of dick as a child. I was shaking trying to keep from laughing out loud. The old guy was in his 70s or 80s and didn't have a clue how funny it was. His old scratchy Utah accent with the occasional whistle sound through his teeth, just kept droning on about eating dick. He then added a cute little nugget. Sometimes his mom would put raisins in the dick. He explained how this was called 'Lumpy Dick'. It was a rare occasion when they got to eat lumpy dick, but when they did it was a real treat. I didn't dare look around to see if anyone else was about to lose it because I'm sure my face was beat red from holding my breath trying to keep the laughter inside.

Subject:	the air conditioner was out
Date:	Nov 27 10:11
Author:	SLDrone

Actually, it was a massive swamp cooler with huge wooden slats and a torrent of water that ran down the slats. One August afternoon, it gave up the ghost. That Sunday the bishop asked us (the teachers quorum) to post two teachers at each of the funeral doors and keep them open for ventilation during sacrament meeting (the doors they used to have leading directly to the outside to each side of the podium, called funeral doors because they use them to wheel caskets in and out). We needed to stand by the doors to tell people on the sidewalk outside to be quiet.

All went well until a small flock of about 8 pidgeons decided for some unexplained reason to make a beeline for one of the open doors. The entire flock entered the chapel through the open door just as Sister Sondberg was finishing up her diatribe of dementia regarding the holy ghost. The pidgeons were circling the rafters of the chapel, trying to land on the small ledges of the skylights, and presumably becoming nervous. The congregation lost interest in the speaker as all eyes were on the pidgeons. Finally after a few minutes the pidgeons, I suppose in their excited attempts to get the hell out of there" began to loosen their bowels. First there was an "ewwww" from the back, then another shriek from the front, within seconds a half dozen worshippers had been bombed. The rear doors flew open and people began to exit quickly, most laughing hysterically. All the while Sister Sondberg was exclaiming, "come back, come back, the holy ghost is more important than a bunch of pidgeons". Most of the congregation stood on the lawn outside howling with laughter.

Recovery from Mormonism - The Mormon Church - www.exmormon.org

Listing of additional short Topics | Main Page