I feel more like an adult now than I ever did as a Mormon [TBM]
Subject: I feel more like an adult now than I ever did as a TBM...
Date: Jan 16 21:02 2004
Author: just another exmo

The past six-months of discovery have been the most stimulating of my life. In fact, I feel like I have reached a whole new level of maturity wherein I am emotionally and intellectually able to feed myself.

I have gained an immense amount of knowledge from the posters on the board. I have also benefited from the opportunity to vent here.

The point of my post is, am I the only one here who feels they are growing up?

Subject: Re: I feel more like an adult now than I ever did as a TBM...
Date: Jan 16 21:25
Author: Rhema

I feel EXACTLY like you. This huge dark cloud called Mormonism which was always hanging over my head is gone and the real me has emerged.

Subject: Definitely--Mormonism keeps adults acting/feeling like children....
Date: Jan 16 23:26
Author: Aphrodite

Once I figured out Mormonism was false, I went through my second adolescence and then REALLY grew up. Now I definitely feel like an adult, but I don't feel old! :)

I seriously don't know if I ever would have felt like a real adult if I had stayed Mormon.

Subject: Adolescence... That is a very appropriate description of what I am experiencing also...
Date: Jan 17 18:17
Author: just another exmo

I am in the position of reevaluating everything I ever believed in my life.

Subject: Don't be surprised if you act like an adolescent....
Date: Jan 17 21:10
Author: Aphrodite

There was a great article about the second adolescence exmos experience a couple years ago. (Maybe you could do a search for it?)

I think it's important to figure yourself for whatever you might go through during this period the same way you would forgive a teenager. Chances are that you didn't get to go through a normal adolescence as a Mormon, so you might now!

Let me assure anyone who's going through this that it's just a phase and will end.

Subject: I have already had...
Date: Jan 18 19:41
Author: just another exmo

several experiences where I have behaved badly.

I chalk them up to situations I should have encountered and overcome in adolescence.

Subject: Maybe...
Date: Jan 18 15:15
Author: sunshine

this is why I am prone to extreme mood swings right now. I never thought of it as going through an adolescence again. But really, it is a definite maturing process and for me, a process where I am exerting my independence from the church. Not unlike a teenager exerting their independence.

I think I make those who want to control me are nervous that I am going to turn into a 'bad girl' because of my decisions. (Sound like over controlling parents of a teen girl?)

Very interesting. In any case.... it is clear that I am still growing up as I am in the middle of this exmo process.

Subject: life's never been better!
Date: Jan 17 01:04
Author: Kate

Absolutely agree.
Since leaving I have felt a degree of liberation & freedom that I've not felt since I was a teenager,( joined at 25, left at 34). The free agency guff in the church is a joke, I'd never felt so constricted & of so little individual worth as I did as a member.

I'm learning to really enjoy life & I love being in control of myself once more..certainly not the miserable life I'd been led to believe I'd have if I left.

Life is good!!

Subject: Re: I feel more like an adult now than I ever did as a TBM...
Date: Jan 17 01:59
Author: jed

Absolutely! I never felt like my own person when I was a TBM. In a way I wasn't - I let other people and the church control me and make my decisions for me because they "knew" better (gag). I lived my life full of doubt, never quite sure if I was doing the right thing or not, always looking outside myself for the answers. No matter how much I denied it then, I was living my life based on what other people thought - not what I thought. Of course, I always felt like a child.

I was inactive for about 2 years, I left the church about 2 months ago. Even while I was inactive, I felt like I was growing up because I was learning how to trust my self and value my own beliefs and opinions over that of others. Self respect - self love - confidence - all this I never knew while I was a member, though I pretended I did. Today I'm continually growing, back then I was stagnant. Feels great! :)

Subject: Definitely!
Date: Jan 17 03:50
Author: the dreaded single adult

...and when I see any of my TBM friends, I have this feeling of being, somehow, more "mature" or "sophisticated" than they are...I don't know exactly how to explain it--it's not that I feel superior, just...well, I guess you said it--more adult!!

Subject: It's quite refreshing isn't it
Date: Jan 17 04:01
Author: Jeff

I always felt like I was being babysat by a bunch of money grubbing prudes telling me how to live my life. Screw 'em.

Subject: Yes, and...
Date: Jan 17 04:39
Author: the dreaded single adult

...it's even MORE refreshing to be able to go out with the people from work, occasionally, and feel like you FIT IN!! It's not about alcohol or coffee, either--it's just an entire mindset...

Subject: The church treats you like children
Date: Jan 17 04:40
Author: conformist
Mail Address:

I was on the stake young single adult activities committee (say that in one breath!). We held a short hike activity and invited everyone. Only about 5 people showed up, but it was still fun. However, someone up the chain chastised the president because we didn't have a married couple there to "chaperone" us. We were all in our twenties!

Subject: ...think I can top that one...
Date: Jan 17 09:33
Author: the dreaded single adult

Our stake came up with the brilliant idea that NO SINGLE ADULTS could stay overnight at a hotel on temple trips...the temple was a six-hour-drive. Now, figure that drive, both ways, and a couple of temple sessions (pre-1990...longer...), and you've got a recipe for falling asleep at the wheel.

Why couldn't we stay in hotels? Because, you see, if we did, we might HAVE SEX! Yes, we are going to put on Sunday dresses, drive six hours, and then solicit clandestine sex partners on the temple grounds, to take back to our hotel room, where 5 women are staying ("Move over, Mary--John and I need more room!")

I was so angry, I could hardly see straight! I was in my 30s, and had:
1)joined the church myself (not because of parents);
2)brought myself to church every Sunday;
3)filled several assorted callings, over the years...

...and, besides that, isn't it their belief that SATAN was the one who wanted to FORCE everyone to behave? What's up with that?

...and, guess what? Some people have sex in other places, besides hotel rooms. SOME PEOPLE DO IT WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN NIGHT TIME!!!

I had every intention of blowing them off & doing what I wanted, but no other women would do it.
"Oh, NO! We can't make hotel reservations; the Stake President said NO!"

I think that was really the beginning of the end for me. How dare they put my life in danger that way?

Yes, they definitely treat you like children...

Subject: On the single adult activities committee...
Date: Jan 17 18:30
Author: just another exmo
Mail Address:

(man these callings are a mouthful!) in my university branch, we planned a campout with both men and women (hate to call them boys and girls) invited. We had planned for the men to campout overnight and the women to return home after the campfire and not stay overnight. The BP got wind of it and nixed it.

The only fun I think we ever had was a group of us going skiing after classes during the summer without the BP's "approval" and without chaperons.

Subject: unchaperoned young adult activities.....
Date: Jan 17 18:51
Author: Randy J.

These comments show how insane the church's rules are. If the leaders are afraid that guys and girls will "hook up" during an overnight campout, do they not realize that those same people have cars and phones, and they can go out on dates and make out all they want to? Don't they realize that a guy and girl could leave a church dance and go out in the parking lot and neck?

Then there's the silly rule that missionaries aren't supposed to get rides from single female church members. As if a 10-to-20-minute ride to church is going to be interrupted by pulling over for a threesome.

Subject: Re: I feel more like an adult now than I ever did as a TBM...
Date: Jan 17 09:53
Author: wisedup

I agree - mormonism represses every aspect of a person's life. The gossipers in the ward reminded me of a bunch of kids ready to tell the teacher - especially when I would see them in the store - when I was filling my coffee mug. One time, the bishop caught me in the store with a mug of the evil coffee. He looked at me like I was such a bad little boy. He was so angry - he turned red. Talk about immaturity. A bunch of little kids running around thinking they are gods. Yuk.

I always hated the idea of interviews. The leader would sit there and ask all kind of questions. Me Da Da you ga ga. They always want to know your business - like they can tell you how to live a mature life - yea sure! Once you break the cycle of dependency - you realize you are fully capable of running your own life.

Subject: THE WORST is when I was in my late 20's and single in a family ward. They literally treated me like a child, not even a teenager! I wanted to yell, "Did a stupid ceremony all of a sudden make you superior to me??" n/t
Date: Jan 17 10:30
Author: effulgent

Subject: I went through the same thing . . .
Date: Jan 17 18:25
Author: imaworkinonit

As a member of the church I was always looking to other people for answers.

When I left the church, I finally realized that what I thought mattered It's a really good feeling to be able to make decisions my own. I feel so free.

Subject: Absolutely agree with the point that we are now adults.
Date: Jan 17 21:01
Author: free

After all the crap I went through years ago in the church before finally getting out, my young daughter looked up at me and said something so profound: "Mother, don't you see that this is God's way of letting you know that you are to stop pleasing?"

When I am in that "pleasing" mode, I realize now that I am probably being manipulated. Pleasing is done by a child trying to get the approval of an adult. This is what the church wants -- you to be child-like and pleasing and controlled.

My daughter's counselor said all the time that the church deliberately wants to keep its members in a child-like state.

Now that I am an adult and no longer have to "please" I feel so empowered! It is the best feeling ever! And it is my God-given right.

Thank God I have grown up and evolved out of that controlling church.


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