Mormon Judgmental Visiting Teachers
Subject: How much worse can it get? - Judgmental Visiting Teachers
Date: Jan 23 15:49 2004
Author: pretty amazed (edited)

I haven't had visiting teachers for quite some time, the last time they came I was quite frank about my then doubts, which have since grown to unbelief.  I thought that was the reason they never came back, but was more than happy to not have to deal with everything that having them visit entails.   I have been trying not to rock the boat anymore than I already have because it all gets to hard with my family and tbm friends who seem able to accept that I'm inactive.  As soon as I mention my unbelief, things get really unpleasant.

So into the house they came, looking decidedly uncomfortable and started to ask how I was.   I told them I was great. Best I'd ever been.  One of them said she couldn't believe that.   Hadn't I been missing "the fellowship of the sisters" and what about my toddler?  Was I aware that they learned more in the first five years of their life then at any time?  Then, I kid you not, they asked me if I was feeling any guilt and did I need to repent of anything?   They even told me that my name had come up in a couple of meetings and was there anything they could do to get me back to church.   I was so angry, how dare they just discuss me like they had some right to.   I have noticed that when members are in any position, be it bishop, stake pres right down to visiting teacher they think it gives them the right to do or say anything.   To think I used to take all that.

Well I just lost it.  I feel ashamed for losing my temper, but I couldn't help it.   I told them how I've never experienced such peace as I feel now.   I love spending Sundays with my non member husband and how I have always felt that the women at church were judgmental, self righteous bigots and the men were just as bad.   I told them that I was glad I'd spent so much time in the church because it has made me REALLY appreciate my life away from it.   I have never seen two people so uncomfortable.   Now I'm left with a sick feeling in my stomach.   No doubt it will all get back to the bishop and he will ask to come over and talk to me.   If I refuse or avoid him, what will they do to me? As far as church I mean, will they just let it all drop and leave me alone or keep after me?   I have never been in this position before, but when I was in leadership things like this were always referred to the bishop.   I really feel sick. I have no idea why I am scared about all this, it makes no sense what so ever.

Subject: Resign or ask....
Date: Jan 23 16:02
Author: ThinkingMan

The people at church probably aren't as bad as you think, but they have been programmed so completely they have no comprehension that we are much happier outside the church. They see us as lost sheep and feel sorry for us! Your name will continue to come up in leadership meetings, and various plans will be hatched to reactivate you. If for some reason you don't want to resign, ask to be put on the 'Do not Contact list', and promise to check in once a year to renew your 'Do not Contact' status. There is no guarantee with that strategy, as it depends on the sensitivity and continuity of the leadership.

Subject: expect to receive love bombs and unannounced visits
Date: Jan 23 16:05
Author: nonmemberfriend

I remember feeling scared too. It was hard to stick up for myself and tell them I wasn't interested anymore. For me, it wasn't until I actually resigned that I felt free. Now, if some Mormon shows up to my door, or JW for that matter, I can tell them to buzz off, without guilt.

Subject: Re: expect to receive love bombs and unannounced visits
Date: Jan 23 16:37
Author: pretty amazed

If you ask for no contact do they still discuss you, or do they just think your a dead loss?  Resigning isn't an option because I don't want to rock the boat more than I have already with my family.   It sounds like I'm gutless, but I'm not.  I just hate arguing with the family.   I don't want to hurt my mother anymore than I have already. I was hoping to just kind of fade away from it all, not go out in a blaze of glory.

Subject: Do not Contact
Date: Jan 23 16:52
Author: ThinkingMan

I don't think there are hard rules on this, but in my experience in leadership positions, once you get on a 'Do not Contact' list, they will leave you alone. Of course every time they get a new bishop, RS president, EQ pres or whatever, you may have to remind them, as they may be zealous and want to know for themselves that you want no contact.

Subject: Re: Do not Contact
Date: Jan 23 17:22
Author: pretty amazed

Just reading that makes me think this will be a very long struggle. But I know I can stick it out, what choice do I have, I cant go back, knowing what I know now.

Subject: Gosh, If I Didn't Know Better, I'd Swear You Were My Sister . . .
Date: Jan 23 16:37
Author: SL Cabbie

Except they quit bothering her when her nevermo hubby said to the mishies, "What part of get the f**k out of here don't you understand?"

Name removal is probably a more civilized way of accomplishing the same thing . . .

Hard to know which is more effective. The EQ prez called me last spring (I was the only kid never baptized). I was mostly polite but I'd been reading this board quite a bit, and I had to choke back some anger in telling him never to call me again.

Good luck. After last Sunday's Utah County get-together I stopped in to introduce my daughter to one of my oldest TBM friends who'd gone through hell in his first time-and-all-eternity marriage to a cheating wife . . . he's pretty liberal, but I lied to him about the circumstances that brought me to Happy Valley . . . we just don't discuss religion except in general terms involving spirituality . . .

Subject: Re: Gosh, If I Didn't Know Better, I'd Swear You Were My Sister . . .
Date: Jan 23 16:41
Author: pretty amazed

I wish my nevermo husband would take it into his mind to do something like that, but I'm afraid he would rather eat his own hair than upset anyone either, what a pair we are:)

Subject: I totally understand...
Date: Jan 23 17:06
Author: NotNow

and it made me so furious just reading about your experience. I was talked about at RS and different Mo functions for years. My neighbor spent hours on the phone talking about my inactivity, and how my children needed "the Church". While she was on the phone, her kids were all over the neighborhood looking for someone to offer them a sandwich or something. Her six year old caught her kitchen on fire trying to fix himself some pancakes---while she was on the phone doing her Primary calling.   Just stick to your resolve, and don't let them get to you! Continue to tell them you are at peace with your decision. Let them know you are happy, and that you will be sure to let them know if you need anything. The ole:Don't call me--I'll call you! They deserved your anger, but for your sake, keep cool, and give them a big, happy smile (no matter how much you would like to yell__Get lost, Busy-bodies.

Subject: Re: I totally understand...
Date: Jan 23 17:28
Author: pretty amazed

I am so determined that they see how happy I am, although that's a lost cause cos they think I cant possibly be happy and its all an act. More and more I cant believe I was ever like that, although I know I was.

Subject: Re: how much worse can it get?
Date: Jan 23 20:12
Author: Wag

Every time I read one of these stories, I nearly cry at the invasion, not only of your home but of your mind. You have nothing over which to feel guilty. First of all, it is okay to get angry and second of all, it is okay to express that anger. It isn't childish and it isn't against any really well-established set of rules in the sane world.

Furthermore, YOU are the master of your life, your home and your actions. So what if the Bishop decides to come over to your house? If you don't want to let him in the first place, don't. If you do decide to let him in, realize that once he is there, you can run him out on a rail any time you choose. You can say anything you wish, you can tell him to shut up. You can drink in front of him or smoke in front of him. You can do ANYTHING YOU WANT with him, to him, or around him. Well, you shouldn't shoot him or beat on him but even then, you may be able to justify it! ;-)

The point is, as I said above, you are the master of your life. There is nothing you can do that will bring about any legitimate curse upon you. You ARE the one who controls this situation and YOU make all the rules from now on.

The reason you're scared is due to the brainwashing of the church. Make the decision to get past that now. Although making that decision doesn't make it easier to actually do it, it does eliminate the risk of failure if you make a firm commitment.

Realize that the same brainwashing that makes you afraid may also make it difficult to think in the presence of your nemesis. You may very well have to think through what you'll say or do ahead of time. Mormons are in the habit of shutting down their minds when confronted; again, all part of the brainwashing.

I can say all of this because I've been there before. I really feel for you and I completely understand where you're coming from.

Now that I've calmed down, realize my anger is not at you but at the effing morg who plays these little mind games with everyone.

Here's a hug for you!



Subject: Wag
Date: Jan 24 02:50
Author: pretty amazed

You wrote something that I recognized so much in myself, when I am no where near them I have a clear head, but when they are here I cant really think straight.   I still know its all bollocks, but I can't get it out - the smart answers I have in my head, not being able to think straight when they are here. More than anything else, it shows me how much my mind has been brainwashed.   Yet, if anyone ever said we were brainwashed, I'd not have believed it.  It seems to me, the less contact the better, for me anyway.

Subject: You go girl!!! I am behind you 110%
Date: Jan 23 20:27
Author: MySongAngel

You don't have to take that crap. If the bishop wants to come over, tell him he can't. They have no right to come into your home without your permission. Give me a break. Don't back down now, you're doing great! You shouldn't feel sick to your stomach when you're standing up for what you believe in. You're doing the right thing. This church is a cult, therefore they think they have the right to trespass, harass and stalk you. You have every right to do anything in your power to keep that behaviour away from you. And if your TBM friends think that you should let them barge into your house and tell you that you're sinful and unhappy without them, they're not really your friends, are they?

P.S. You could always go to THEIR houses uninvited and tell them about your love for ex-moism and give them anti-mormon pamphlets and cookies. Does it cut both ways? It should.

Subject: Re: how much worse can it get?
Date: Jan 23 20:40
Author: Gaea

You can always make your husband the heavy since he isn't tbm. Just tell them your husband would not like this, that or the other and they'll have to accept it. Simply don't let them come to your house, since your husband "does not approve". End of story.

Subject: It sounds like you feel bad because you lost your temper, not for what you said. Right?
Date: Jan 23 21:57
Author: SusieQ#1

So, let me get this straight. You told the truth, and you are just unhappy with yourself for how you did it?

You had rude, obnoxious, intrusive guests so you told them what you thought they needed to hear. You had every right to do that. It was, after all, your own home.

Be mad, loose your temper, say what you want to say. You probably were unloading a boat load of crap you were carrying around and now it is gone. I would guess you have been wanted to say a lot more than that for a very long time! Good for you!

Give yourself a pat on the back for having the guts to open your mouth and make yourself clear; emotions included!

And do not give one thought to what they might think. It is none of your business! ;-)

Subject: Re: how much worse can it get?
Date: Jan 24 02:53
Author: pretty amazed

big grin, that makes me smile cos that's how I got out of having the home teachers, all the while I knew that my husband, while he may think that way, would never be rude to anyone.

Subject: Hooray, you stood up to them! And, while it's
Date: Jan 23 23:53
Author: Meow

unsettling to think of them talking about you behind your back, it's one of those things that's out of your control.

Let 'em talk. While they're talking about you, at least they're leaving somebody else alone.

And, who knows? One or both of them might secretly admire you for your guts.

You're getting stronger by the minute!

Subject: When we left we asked to not have anyone come over and talk to us.
Date: Jan 24 03:35
Author: Primrose

the whole Bishopric came to the door one night and wanted to talk.
My husband came an inch of hitting the Bishop in the face. He ordered them out and to never set foot on our property again. My husband was a member of that Bishopric when he wrote his exit letter. They never talked to any of us again. It was announced in High Priesthood meeting that husband was excommunicated instead of having his name removed like really happened.

Staying away is the best thing to keep your head clear, we did not realize how brainwashed we were until we had stopped going for about 6 months.
We were lucky we had no member in our family who were Mormon but my brother who has treated me like I was dirt for the last 24 years I have been out of the church. If it was not for him and his attitude toward me and my family I probably would have never typed MORMON and found this site.

What a wealth of information is here, hope we can help you.

Subject: If they come to your house, talk on the porch...
Date: Jan 24 05:47
Author: arasin

Don't let them come in, just step outside and close the door behind you...say the dog will get out, the kids are sleeping, whatever. Standing outside on the stoop prevents it from becoming a long emotional's hard to start high melodrama in an informal, obviously two minute conversation that that hints at.

That's of course if you don't want a scene. Personally, I'd explain at length the problems you have and why you want out. But it sounds like that's not your style.

Good luck - let us know.


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