Subject: I've become THAT guy
Date: Mar 17, 2009
Author: substrate

Sunday my bishop asked to speak with me. He said he was concerned about my church attendance (we've had this conversation before), and I told him the same thing I've said before: I attend sacrament meeting because my wife asked me to do so, but I am not comfortable sitting through the rest of the meetings.

He then said, "I was wondering if you'd accept a calling."

"It depends," I said.

"We need someone to ring the bell at the end of each class period."

Having been involved in enough ward councils and bishopric meetings, I know that this is just another attempt to keep me in the building for three hours on Sunday, as if being there to ring the bell would give me renewed faith by osmosis. He readily admitted to my status as the ward "project."

But it's kind of funny to be that guy, the one they talk about in ward council: "How are we going to get Brother Runtu to come to church more regularly?" In my old ward in Texas, the bell-ringer calling was usually reserved for the mentally unstable (oh, wait, that kind of fits here).

Mind you, I'm not above ringing bells, if that's what God wants me to do. But it seems pointless to ring the bell just so someone can say they got me to stay the full three hours.

I told him "no."


Subject: Spot on analysis ... Good for you for saying no. nt


Subject: Good for you! :-D
Date: Mar 17 17:13
Author: FreeRose

"He said he was concerned about my church attendance.."

Translation: He is concerned about HIS attendance and tithing stats.


Subject: What a pedantic calling.
Date: Mar 17 17:15
Author: starbright

What is to stop someone from walking by and ringing the damn bell? It such a hard thing to do that they have to have a calling for it?


Subject: If you aren't feeling insulted, why not???
Date: Mar 17 17:52
Author: Dane

That is a pretty cheesy thing to do to you. How did the bigshit keep a straight face when he purposed it.

Pathetic in my book.


Subject: Hey, that was my last calling
Date: Mar 17 17:53
Author: MRM

Don't down play this important calling...for all you know they may go on forever in Sunday school class...I don't even want to think about that...


Subject: I saw two people leave for getting such retarded callings.
Date: Mar 17 17:57
Author: confused

One was a new member who was given some sort of stupid calling, I don't recall what, but he said if they thought so little of him then they could f-off.

The other was a very shy immigrant (we get a lot of them) and the marvelously inspired BP decided that becoming the door greeter would enhance his people skills, and give him a chance to grow or something like that. That lasted three or four weeks and he left.

Nothing like the mantle of inspiration.


Subject: I feel bad that you even have to stay for Suckrement meeting.
Date: Mar 17 18:02
Author: JBug

I wouldn't.

Good for you for turning down that stupid "calling".


Subject: Re: I've become THAT guy
Date: Mar 17 18:20
Author: Baura

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at the PEC meeting where this idea was hatched and refined.

"Brother substrate leaves after Sacrament meeting every time. What can we do to keep him here longer?

"We could assign a few of the larger Tongan brethren to grab him and tie him to a folding chair in the back of the chapel."

"No, that's a bit too illegal. Didn't O.J. go to jail for something like that?"

"What about we give him a calling that will require him to be here the whole three hours?"

"Well if we give him a calling that will take that much work he might say 'no.'"

"What, can they say 'no'? Can they do that?"

"Sadly, yes they can."

"Well how about a really super-easy calling that somehow requires him to stay?"

"I've got it. Let's make him the official 'end of class bell-ringer.' It's the easiest possible job, takes about three seconds to do but has to wait until the whole block is over."

"Great idea. He'd never figure out that we were giving him this just to force him to stay here, would he?"

"Nah, he'd be happy to be needed and be of service, and it will really pick him up to know we think so much of him to give him this important calling."


I would have had a hard time resisting the opportunity to rub the Bishop's face in it: "You came up with this to try to make me stay here longer than I wanted to, didn't you? Did you actually think I wouldn't see through such a transparent scheme? You're insulting my intelligence, Bishop."


Subject: Accept the calling!
Date: Mar 18 01:14
Author: Baura

"Bishop I'd be glad to accept this calling as end-of-class bellringer. When will I be set apart?"

Then you perform your bell ringing duties to a T. However you no longer attend Sacrament Meeting and you just show up at the Chapel when it's time to ring the bell (in grubbies, of course), ring the bell for three seconds and then leave. Time spent at Church reduced by fifty-nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds.

Or you could pay a deacon a couple of bucks to ring the bell for you. Just stay home and call his cell phone and say, "Time to ring the bell." That's called "delegating authority."


Subject: You should have done it, only....
Date: Mar 17 18:25
Author: TxAg

I'm not sure if you remember much of the disco era.

You could have dressed in drag in a gold lame' sheath dress and shown up and instead of just ringing the bell, you could sing Anita Ward's famous hit "Ring My Bell."

[quote]I'm glad you're home
Now did you really miss me
I guess you did by the look in your eyes (look in your eyes, look in your eyes)
Well lay back and relax while I put away the dishes (put away the dishes)
Then you and me can rock-a-bye

You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell

The night is young and full of possibilities
Well come on and let yourself be free
My love for you, so long than I've been savin'
Tonight was made for me and you

You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell
You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell

you can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong)
you can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong, ring it!)
you can ring my bell, anytime, anyway
(ring it, ring it, ring it, ring it oww!)
you can ring my bell, anytime, anyway
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong)

you can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong)
you can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong, ring it!)
you can ring my bell, anytime, anyway
(ring it, ring it, ring it, ring it oww!)
you can ring my bell, anytime, anyway
(ding, dong, ding, do-ong)[/quote]

I expect that would have taught them, once and for all, not to hit you with totally bogus "callings".


Subject: Re: You should have done it, only....
Date: Mar 17 22:00
Author: sherv

Great song...thanks for the memories!!


Subject: Substrate, every calling comes straight from God!!!
Date: Mar 17 18:28
Author: jacyn

Your bishop and his two counselors prayed and fasted about which special soul to extend the privilege of ringing the bells to. God picked you, and they all knew it, because they felt a burning in their collective bishopric bosoms.

Because you have turned God down, someday you are going to stand before him, with head bowed, and know how much you disappointed him. You just don't know what being a bell ringer could have done for your soul. Now you will never know ... until it is too late. Someday, you will cast your eyes up from hell and lament, "Oh, that I had accepted the special responsibility to ring God's bells!"

Tsk tsk.

; )


Subject: "...burning in their collective bishopric bosoms." Complete with Masonic symbols. Sorry. LOL :-D nt


Subject: You should accept. Then use the bell to enact absolute chaos!
Date: Mar 17 19:22
Author: bell chaos

Like ringing it 10 minutes too early, or just ringing it randomly throughout the 3 hour block.

Or you could ring it to "shave and a haircut, two bits"


Subject: LOVE that idea -complete chaos
Date: Mar 17 22:04
Author: Emma'sFlamingSword

My mother is furious at her ward's bell ringer. He forgot to ring the bell and her lesson went way over. She was still fuming about it over dinner. Bless her heart.

The Bell Ringer is a very important position to her.


Subject: yeah, or just make the classes ten minutes each. A closing & opening prayer. nt


Subject: Re: I've become THAT guy
Date: Mar 17 20:55
Author: anon4this

Seriously? Bell Ringer? What kind of lame-ass calling is that? Is this third grade? They need a bell ringer to signal the end of class? No one has a watch?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any lamer.


Subject: Thank Goodness! No more endless classes waiting for the bell. n/t


Subject: Substrate, you crack me up....
Date: Mar 17 21:39
Author: sfex

I can't stop laughing......


Subject: Re: I've become THAT guy
Date: Mar 17 21:58
Author: sherv

GOOD FOR YOU. BE A BELL RINGER??? Gee they are desperate to keep you there the 3 hrs. Glad you aren't falling for that one.


Subject: You could have had fun with this...
Date: Mar 17 22:18
Author: Tiphanie

"Oops! Sorry, you mean ring them *after* class and not *before*?"

Or you could do 'tunes' with the bell, "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits" comes to mind... ;)

Or do a practice fire drill with them (when was the last time they had one of *those*?)


Subject: What kind of bell?
Date: Mar 18 00:31
Author: Mormon Observer

Could you put up a bucket for donations as well????? and donate it to the Salvation (Army?)

Or you could put in an 'automatic' system like the schools use! No one 'rings' the bell in the schools since they took the bell tower off them!

Or tell him you want to be able to 'ring the bell' for funerals too! You know for whom the bell tolls.

Of course could you ring it for weddings too???? How about new years???? 4th of July????

Wow you could MAGNIFY your calling!!!! :D!


Subject: My dad, who has been in bishoprics and stake presidencies, rings the bll in his ward. I think
Date: Mar 18 00:52
Author: Benjiman Luther

he really gets a kick out of it. He always has a big smile on his face when he leaves class to ring it.

We occasionally poke fun at him for having that calling.


Subject: The bell-ringer calling is....
Date: Mar 18 00:58
Author: Hap E. Heretic

even more lame than the cookie chairman calling I had in my old single's ward!

Geez, how embarassing for that bishop to try something so pathetic to keep you in the building for all three meetings.

I think I would've burst out laughing, and headed very quickly for the nearest exit.

The depths some people stoop to are unreal.

Glad you said no.


Subject: now that you mention it...
Date: Mar 18 01:20
Author: TopoJoeJoe

I always wondered who rang the bell. Once someone forgot, and we were in this insufferable RS class for a looong time...
Really, I would do it just for one day, and ring it throughout the 3 hour block with no rhyme or reason to it. Just for fun.
Kind of like when someone is saying a very long prayer (usually at dinner time), and some old person who can't hear well and is hungry (or a little kid) just says a very loud AMEN (sometimes to cover a fart) and ends it right there and then. Every one else looks confused, then they all say amen and the prayer giver just looks a little uncomfortable and pretends he ended it too, while the old man wolfs down his food. Kind of like that. It would have been fun.


Subject: What a hoot!
Date: Mar 18 02:06
Author: Deenie, the dreaded single adult

I've heard of greeter callings, and hymnbook-passer-outer callings, but never a "bell ringer" calling!

I'd have had to tell him "no," soon as I stopped laughing...


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