Subject: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13, 2010
Author: temple name julia

A few months ago the stake missionaries came by and my brother didn't let them in the house. Then I called them and I said they really didn't need to come by we weren't interested. Well, last night, unannounced and uninvited, here came two white shirted guys! We were expected a friend to come by. Bro peaked out the window and said 'white shirts' and went to hide. Now I am horrible at being assertive. I like to be friendly and 'nice'. That's a good thing right? Well before I knew it the guys were in the house, Bro is irritated and the White Shirts are looking around and being nosy asking when we are going back to church and such. sighhh... One of them even asked were my parents around and what did they have to say!! Well, one has been dead for a year and a half and the other for almost three! So I said in a surprised tone 'they are dead'. He kept going 'oh they are talking to you. What do you think they are saying? You KNOW what they would say?' wtf?
Tried to be nice...They tried to be nice...Bro was nice
but by the time they left we were incredibly stressed!
So what am I supposed to do when men my parents age want to show up to 'home teach' me? It makes me uncomfortable! But I don't wanna be rude.
Any ideas?


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 01:30
Author: mominaz

You don't have to be nice! It took me almost a year to realize this. You don't have to answer the door, you don't have to talk to them, you don't have to let them in the door.

99.9999% of the world find it incredibly rude for people to come to someone's home and tell them their beliefs are wrong. They are not "being nice" so why should you be obligated to be nice.

You should not be stressed by visitors at YOUR home. Threaten to get a restraining order, resign from the church, whatever.

Just remember that you don't have to play by their made up rules. They are the ones who are wrong. The last time someone came by I simply said "Oh sorry I'm not interested" and closed the door in their face. I didn't give them the time to say anything.

They are rude, you are not. They don't play by the same rules as you so change your rules. You are under no obligation to answer the door even if they see you.


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 07:05
Author: richyh

I eventually just had my name removed from the church records. I sent a letter with my signed request and haven't been bothered since :)


Subject: I agree. I also tend to be nice, but you have to be assertive.
Date: Aug 13 01:35
Author: Queen of Denial

First. I would not answer the door; even if you know that they know you are home.

Do you have caller ID? Don't pick up if you know it's them.

I'm at the point now that I think I'd even call the police if they kept dropping by. Better yet, call the cops while the white shirts are at the door.

Have you ask to have your name removed from the records?


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 05:07
Author: caedmon

Mormons don't understand and/or observe appropropriate social boundaries. Most people try to be nice hoping the mormons will get the hint and go away. They won't.

This puts people who just want to be nice, in an awkward position because mormons exploit their unwillingness to be rude to overstep into personal space and make demands. It forces people to be rude in order to stop the harrassment. Then the mormons will walk away in a huff complaining about that rude Julia and her brother. They have no ability to be introspective about how their behavior might have prompted such a response.

That's their problem, not yours. You are not responsible for how they react.


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 05:19
Author: MartinF

why is it "good" to be nice?

Tell em you've become a gay rights activitst.

They really do look for people who try to be nice. Before you know it, they're in your house!


Subject: I consider it more rude to play games & lead them on than to be honest.
Date: Aug 13 06:33
Author: Cheryl

You need to say, "I'm surprised you showed up at my house because I've done nothing to indicate interest in what you're selling. I won't be inviting you in and I'm asking you use your time for those who might appreciate it. Have a nice day."

It makes no sense to play little cat and mouse games and skirt the issue.

Sadly, even though these guys know you're not interested, they feel obligated to bother people until they're thrown out and banned from ever returning again.


Subject: Yeah, about this "nice" thing...
Date: Aug 13 07:14
Author: Kirsten

I think you are equating being "nice" with people pleasing. They were not being nice. They didn't even know your parents had passed away and were telling you that they know what your parents would want for you. That's cruel and manipulative. They were bullies. They came to your house uninvited. That's not nice.

I consider myself a kind person. (I prefer that over "nice"). But I am also assertive. Sometimes unassuming people mistake my kindness for weakness and quickly learn that is NOT the case.

Maybe it would help if you practiced what to say next time they come. Be prepared. Have a script in your head. Be the one in charge. You owe them NOTHING.


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 09:15
Author: Not as Daft

I agree that you are confusing being "nice" with people-pleasing. People-pleasing is soul destroying and you can't keep everyone pleased all the time anyway.

My friend's mother passed away, leaving some very expensive jewellery. Someone told my friend that he should give the jewellery to her, along with some money, saying "that's what your mother would have wanted". In actual fact, his mother knew they were after the jewellery, but told her son to do what HE wanted with it.
Don't succumb to emotional blackmail.


Subject: If someone came to my door and pretended to be a medium for my dead parents....
Date: Aug 13 09:20
Author: Maria

I'd be SO P****D OFF.


Subject: These guys aren't your friends and you don't want them to be.
Date: Aug 13 09:38
Author: Jenny

Nice isn't applicable or productive here. The absence of nice doesn't mean snotty, rude, angry and mean. You can remove nice and still be left with respectful, kind, and dignified. But you will be more likely to also have communicative, direct, firm, and strong.

How about being nice to yourself first and then consider using it on strangers? How about saying "No. I've already asked you to not contact us. You have to leave now. Buh-Bye," because it's nice for you to not have these people in your lives? You have to take care of you and be nice to YOU. These guys aren't going to take care of you or be nice to you; they were the ones interrupting your time and guilting you about what your deceased parents are supposedly thinking about you and your brother. That wasn't nice.

You owe yourself more than them. You owe yourself getting them out of your life and, as so many of us have learned, nice doesn't work with delusional religious fundamentalists. They're blinded by their feelings and hearing-paired because of their over-confidence that the voice they're hearing in their head (their own) is gawd speaking to them.

Threatening legal action will usually get rid of them. It makes them think you're some degree of crazy but it gets rid of them. The missionaries quit coming around when I snidely insulted their record-keeping and said I guess they just couldn't do any better in such a small poorly-run organization. But that was after threatening serious legal action and publicity with the local bishop.

Be nice to yourself and your friends and people you want to be your friend. Be mostly nice to people you work with and people who are helping you in stores. There are some others, but you don't have to be nice at all to everyone, especially people that you don't know who are interloping on your private life. There are boundaries to nice.


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 13 19:23
Author: sherv

Be as upfront about what you want as they are about what they want. Simple.


Subject: "NICE" can't just be one-way . . .
Date: Aug 13 20:16
Author: imaworkinonit

And "nice" doesn't mean "pushover".

When you are dealing with people who are pushy and/or manipulative, you have to be strong and assertive. Otherwise, they'll just railroad you into whatever is on THEIR agenda.

You aren't taking care of yourself when you let them do this, and you aren't doing THEM any favors, either. By letting them treat you this way, you are saying "this is okay", and emboldening them to do it again to you AND to others. Do yourself AND them a favor and tell them what is what.

I used to be a people pleaser/doormat and allow people to treat me in ways that didn't feel so great. I'd make excuses for them or ignore the fact that it felt crappy. One thing that helped me was to ask "would I EVER do what that person just did to me?" If I was repulsed at the thought of ever treating another person that way, then I knew I deserved better treatment, too. For some reason, I had to turn it around that way to actually even realize that someone was treating me rudely/badly because I was WAY too tolerant and forgiving.

The good news is this: These people, who you don't really care to have a relationship are the perfect guinea pigs for you to practice assertiveness on. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.


Subject: What an excellent reply! nt


Subject: Re: What an excellent reply! nt
Date: Aug 14 08:27
Author: Greyfort

I agree.


Subject: These bully mishies want to intrude uninvited, and you let them in your house?!
Date: Aug 13 20:33
Author: WiserWomanNow

And answered their nosy questions?

You owe bullies NOTHING! They do not respect you. DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR.


Subject: Getting unwanted contact at your door from the LDS Folks?? Use my Door Sign!
Date: Aug 13 23:37
Author: SusieQ#1

Put this sign on you door and you will be left alone!!:-)


I am under no obligation to:

avoid all loud laughter,


evil speaking of the lords anointed

or any other impure or unholy practice

Enter at you own risk

Rachel, My New Name

(Big Smiley Face at the bottom!)

This will stop them in their tracks. I doubt they will even knock if they read this!
If they do knock, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!! NEVER allow uninvited people into your house!1

Considering the temple is never discussed, this is shocking to read on a door.

(For those that went to the temple you know this is from the Law of the Gospel:
Law of the Gospel: We are required to give unto you the Law of the Gospel as contained in the Holy Scriptures; to give unto you also a charge to avoid all lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice, and to cause you to receive these by covenant.

You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you will observe and keep the Law of the Gospel and this charge as it has been explained to you. Each of you bow your head and say "yes." )


Subject: That's the main reason I formally resigned
Date: Aug 14 06:02
Author: Matt

It stopped all that nonsense. Dead.


Subject: Re: trying to be nice but it isn't working...
Date: Aug 14 08:11
Author: Greyfort

I'm a shy, mega polite, nice type of person who has often been taken advantage of and talked into things.

But I'm 51 years old now and I find that I've been developing a bit of an attitude. I don't allow people to push me around anymore. Pushy people are the ones who are being rude.

My parents are away at the moment and every time I answer the dang phone, it's someone looking for money. I try to get a word in to say, "No," but they won't take a breath for me to say anything. I start to listen, but as soon as I realize that they're never going to let me talk, I decide that they're being extremely rude.

So, I've just started quietly hanging up on them. People give me a speech about them just being poor sods who have to do this for a living, etc. I understand that.

But to me, they're being extremely rude in forcing me to use up a few minutes of my precious time, where I'm not allowed to say a word until they've given their entire 3-minute pitch.

I already know they're not getting any money from me. If I want to give, I'll mail a cheque directly to the charity of my choice. I'd never give to someone over the phone, when I've no idea who they really are. I've been scammed before, so forget it.

These people have come to your home, pushed their way in, and then had the gall to throw major guilt trips at you. They're being extremely rude and therefore they deserve no such politeness.

If you don't feel you can say to them, "Look, this is extremely rude of you. I've told you that I'm not interested, and yet here you are. Do not come again," then simply never answer the door. They'll get the message sooner or later.

Maybe you could send them a note telling them that any further visits will be met with an unanswered door. If they catch you on the phone, simply tell them that they're being extremely rude to keep contacting you when you've made it quite clear that you're not interested.

If they try to lay a guilt trip on you, tell them you will hang up if they don't cease and desist. If they continue, then hang up.

They're practicing nothing more than an aggressive sales tactic, and for me, I simply won't put up with that anymore. You know they're doing it deliberately. Remember that they're doing everything in their power to make you do what they want.

You don't have to allow that. It's your life and your home. They're the ones being rude. Not you.


Subject: OP, you have to learn to say 'No'
Date: Aug 14 08:41
Author: Mårv Fråndsen

One way is to submit your resignation. That way it is done on paper without confrontation and once you are not a member they are no longer religiously obligated to keep harassing you.

Various other creative suggestions are:

Answer the door in the nude.

Put a sign up featuring Temple phrases.

Shake their hand using the Patriarchal Grip.

Talk about your pregnancy with Satan's baby.

etc., etc.


Subject: Why I resigned ...
Date: Aug 14 10:57
Author: luminouswatcher

These stories always fascinate me because I get a kick out of all the "lack of boundary" issues that get batted around. But I also remember what it was like when I had my head still firmly within the "cloud".

I have a basic need for giving others respect. That is why I found it important to resign when I discovered the nature of Joe's holy multi-level marketing scheme. It is out of respect for others and their personal time.

Most here should know and remember what horrible beings the mormon god and jesus really are. Nothing is ever good enough, and one "oops" will undo every and all "att-a-boys". You are given an incorrect world view, and have no reason to even consider that there may be legitimate reasons to not believe in the morg picture of reality. They basically shanghai the good and decent folk, the ones with drive and zeal, to do their bidding, while holding their eternal happiness and salvation, and that of all their family hostage. Think of the promises given to Helen Mar Kimball.

The morgbots are operating under what for all external purposes is a mental handicap. In their state they are incapable of acting in a normal way. So me must help them get back on their "little yellow bus" by resigning. And without the 10 families to some how visit every month, they will have time to study some history, and find the cure for themselves. Hopefully for them.


Subject: update
Date: Aug 14 13:48
Author: temple name julia

Thank you all soooooooooooo much for your creative ideas! wow you rock!
Bro and I practiced what to say and how to not let people in we don't want to.
Then we went over to my sorta visiting teacher who is one of the coolest people around, really! And told her what was up and what the jerks had said about dead parents talking. SHE WAS MAD!! It isn't the first time this guy has said rude tacky things to me and others. So she is complaining to the branch president for us to get them to not ever come back! yay!
We have non-member friends in the area who getting bugged terribly by the regular, non stake or home teacher, missionaries too, so membership status means little.
I do rather fancy the idea of going to the door naked! Not a pretty site! But then they could see my very pretty tattoo!


Subject: That's great! I'm proud of you! : )
Date: Aug 14 13:52
Author: Cheryl

And I get it about how non-mos and exmos can also be harassed. It just depends on the locals. Some do it while others probably don't bother.


Subject: Try being nice to a pack of sharks???They are going to bite you eventurally..nt


Subject: A couple thoughts- plus how to deal with unwelcome visitors
Date: Aug 14 13:55
Author: JoD3:360

First off, I think that if they told me that my dead parents/family members were trying to speak to me through them, I'd totally lose it on them.

Anyway, on to more constructive thoughts:
When my son and I were they guys in white shirts, we went to this one house and knocked on the door. We could clearly hear that they were home and from the sounds coming out over the game on tv, probably having a good time. We knocked again and they laughed.
We waited a little and knocked again.
More laughter.
Finally one of them spoke loud enough to make sure we heard; How long do you think those guys will stand out there?
Much more laughter.
We left.

Another time my wife accompanied me to visit an inactive sister.
We knew she was home because we could hear her and the tv was on, and the livingroom window was wide open. We knocked again. Now there was the sound of a lighter and fresh cigarette smoke came through the window.
One more knock.
Latch clicks shut, lights go out, feet up the stairs.
We left.

And this is what we have done also.
The last time the Sis Mishies came over my wife walked up to the door locked it and turned out the lights.
Then they started hollering to her through the windows in case she didn't know they were there.
She tells me that she then looked directly at them and drew the curtains shut.

They left and forgot to return. So far.

No need to be confrontational or even conversant.
Nothing says get lost like closing the door.


Subject: It's important to realize
Date: Aug 14 14:06
Author: Lost

that the only power they have over you is the power that you give them.

If you don't want to talk to them, don't.
Tell them you have a friend coming over and to please leave.
Tell them it is rude to drop in uninvited.
Tell them whatever you want.

Take a deep breath. It's ok.



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