I've read all the authoritative books (and a lot of crap) that reveal the truth about JS and TSCC this past year. I am EXTREMELY angry about being lied to all my life, though I always had a feeling it was BS [can I call it JSBS?]. My spouse is still a TBM and knows I'm struggling. Haven't done church in two years. I don't want spouse hurt, but don't want to be affiliated. Now what? Any thoughts?

Find something you like to do with your free time, something that gets your mind off of LDS as much as possible. Find something to do that makes you happy. I have had to find a way to be happy sometimes my spouse not being present is helpful. His criticizms and negativity and lack of being able to think for himself (not being able to not regurgitate crappy advice from extended family members), I just feel better doing things that make me happy, by myself. The anger is normal, but control it and don't let the anger run your decisions and ruin your day to day happiness. BTW not everyone who posts on here is a supporter of RFM.

I'm a man who became disaffected in the very same way you did... and I still have a TBM wife. My way of dealing with it was to let her know that I respected her right to worship as she pleases, but that I could no longer do it myself. I went very slow with revealing anything. I never say disparaging things about TSCC around her, either. I made an effort to be more supportive and helpful to her as well. This has resulted in not losing the marriage. Our kids are all married and gone, so it's a bit easier.

As for what I do instead of churchy things, I have hobbies and love reading and science, hiking fishing, etc.

I'm not outspoken to my children about it either. To each his own, and I expect that idea extended to me. So far it's worked ok. The anger has passed for the most part.. It's certainly not member's fault that they are caught in the delusion, and most of them are good people.

Thanks to all.

RE: Rationalist01. Are you still a member?

My marriage is solid and even if I did resign, our relationship would hold. No worries there. I'm just concerned about the hurt she'd feel because of being so deeply rooted in genealogy and getting all the family sealed as far back as she can. I respect her beliefs and don't comment on them one way or the other. And I don't let her mantras about TSCC bother me anymore. I just let it all pass. TSCC just doesn't mean anything to me, other than the pain I feel from believing (or trying so hard to believe) the lies for so many years. I keep wondering how in the world I could believe all this in the first place, and I kick myself for not coming to this enlightened state of mind earlier. My only comfort is telling myself that the conditioning I got from the time I entered the world required decades to break. I'll continue to work on letting go of the anger. It just seems incredible to me that JS and his gang (and all the brethren down the line) could develop such a fine-tuned system for controlling people. And I just happened to be born into the very heart of that system. But, life is good. Much better now that any time in my life.

I haven't formally resigned. I do not consider myself a member though.. I get to decide that. What their records say is of no importance to me, and even if you do resign they don't really expunge your name or records. They just classify you an apostate in the files.

I think resigning is admitting that they still have some kind of control over me. Since they don't it's immaterial to anything.

With hers, hobbies with hers, life roles and comforts maintain and continue enjoying. Because

I kind of wonder if genealogy isn't like grand parenting or as comforting as an Italian making pasta.(to some people)

I actually think genealogy becomes like a trait or characteristic within the personality like inherent to their nature, as a human creature reaching for their tribe labeling the great label of " who I am" beyond ego job or limits and loss of this lifetime. Even cultures that are ancient have respect or refer their ancestors, like in parts of Asia. This need may be inherent.

Not just Mormon.

I had a non Mormon néver Mormon aunt get the genealogy bug- she's online, she has family trees, she has traveled to distant parts of the world meeting "relatives". She is as into it as my grandma who started a stake library with microfiche machines in her basement when the church burned down who dedicated her life to it.

If this family tree mapping ancestor connecting thing is part of your wife's soul or inherent needs, tread carefully. It manifests outside of the church in older people every day and appears to be quite normal.

Just different than say someone who watches sports every minute they're not asleep or at work. Radical if they were hooked on them both: watching sports and doing and traveling and web chats on genealogy. That'd be some marriage.

Very difficult when spouses develop at different rates like this. Not restricted to religion/meaning.

If look deeply, she probably has a good deal of fear/anxiety (which is the foundation of the institution, and heartily exploited by said institution) and so tightly holding onto this institution serves as an anxiety/fear damper. Any direct attempt to apply reason/dissect TSCC will only exacerbate. Understanding the geometry really helps in damping one's own anxiety/frustration. One can be sympathetic to her without being patronizing. It is the human condition.

If one can find genuine meaning and calm in one's own life, this calm is rather contagious. She will then grasp less at the institution and continue to evolve, as have you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/09/2013 11:39AM by zenjamin.

Have a heart to heart with her about what youw ant to do on sun. See if at least one Sun. a month you could do things together. She may actually enjoy it and want to do those things...hiking, boating, fishing, swimming, get involved in a charity together, etc. Whatever you do, let her know you respect her desire to remain a member at this time and only wish her to respect your choice as well. Good luck and it is great you figured it out.It is always best to be truthful and not go the "fake it" route.

"TSCC just doesn't mean anything to me"
I find that you can write that awesome. Sounds to me like you are over the maybe it could be true somehow or twisting the mind to make sense of things. My husband didn't want to officially resign because he didn't see the need for it he was over it. Where as I was so upset and had random tears and wanted to resign right away when I found out it was false. Well we got many unannounced visitors EQ president, bishops 2nd counselor and missionaries that my husband said that to make it ever stop we had to officially resign.
If it doesn't bother you to be on the membership list and it means so much to your wife why not stay on there? Is your wife ok with you not wearing your garments? At first my husband was upset at me for not wearing them anymore till I said that I don't want a church that I think is false tell me what kind of underwear to wear. Husband doesn't want his side of the family to know that we are out so I am playing along when his over 80 year old grandma asks about my church callings I tell a white lie and say that I am in the nursery. Heck she is over 80 and he doesn't want to make her sad.
Take things slow and try not to give ldsink more attention then it deserves. Focus on the positive things in life yes you are saving your tithing money now :)

My wife is still TBM and intently indoctrinating our 4 kids.
Its apparent she gets advice from ward priesthood leaders on how to deal with me. I have no idea how far theyve gone rhetorically. I kinda know my wife's attitude about divorcing for falling away since it occurred in her family and when her parents said they were more upset about them leaving the church than divorcing she admitted "that's messed up". Plus, thanks to mormon indoctrination...she is dependent on me financially, hasnt worked or gone to school in over 15 years. I have made practically no demands other than my own status. I admit its a cold war with no end in sight.
Good luck.

Don't think for a minute she can't pick up the pace and go to school.

I went when I was 40 with 3 kids. There were plenty of other women there who hadn't ever been, or hadn't been for years.

I was 40 yo and the top of my class.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/09/2013 11:31PM by madalice.

2 words: road trip. Burn that weekend. There is something within 24 hours of everyone. Spend the night at a cheap hotel. Next weekend do chores, Next weekend ROAD TRIP!!!!