I am struggling at the dating scene. I am starting to feel that if I was gorgeous, I'd get attention from men even if I was an absolute witch. but, I feel I'm good inside but that doesn't matter cause I'm not pretty.

1. Yes, people can be terribly shallow.

2. It's their loss.

I understand love, I really do. But when you think deeply about it, do you want a man in your life who loves the real you, and appreciates all your good qualities, or one who is shallow and only cares about looks? Hang out for the very best love, you deserve it!

I divorced in the past year and can feel your pain. Many personality disordered people on most dating sites so you have to be careful no matter how attractive they are.

I have taken a little break in dating because they either wanted to move too fast or were just looking for a free meal.

Good luck to you :)

Oh, Jujubee, I have the exact same thoughts. I'm a widow in my 50's. Although I have a "sweet face," I'm overweight and therefore not attractive. My friends like me and I think the right man would like me, but he's probably never going to look past the outside to find out. In some way I understand because men seem to be very visual creatures. So, I don't know the solution. But, anyway, I just wanted you to know you're not alone and we can commiserate together.

Take some classes and strike up conversations with intelligent guys. They'll quickly realize you are much more interesting and fun than barbie dolls. Whatever you do, be yourself. As you get older, you'll see Confidence is attractive too!

NotSoSure, I think you're right. If a woman isn't "hot," she won't even be on the radar. Unfortunately, the prevailing notion of beauty and attractiveness mostly means very thin.

We can complain about this idea being shallow all we want, but the truth is that it's how men operate.

It is difficult out there. The good news is, for the most part Non Mormon men are more mature about relationships that the Mormons. But with that said, it hard to find the right person that you would like to date. What helped me in the past is to volunteer. A few opportunities would be Habitat for Humanity, an event coming to your area (concert, rodeo, etc.), or a soup kitchen. This gives you the opportunity to get to know people on a more basic level. Especially when you are being trained for the job. Everyone is in the same boat so to speak, and band together. Conversation is natural, fun and more comfortable.
Also, think about something you may like to do. I like archery. So I found a place that teaches it. Happens to be very inexpensive and can rent the equipment. I have met many nice and fun people. Two men asked me out. Did not go, but I was asked.
I know this sounds lame, but I like to bird watch. I looked in the paper and there is a bird watching group in the area.
So, think of opportunities that are out there to meet people that are comfortable for you. And remember, most of the men have those same insecurities you have. We are all human and most of us want to be respected, accepted and loved.

thanks for the good suggestions : )

I have read many of your postings. I certainly have not met you, but I think you are a beautiful person with a sharp mind. If guys are too stupid to see it, it is their loss. Keep trying.

Thanks :)

don't give up. I dated a girl who wasn't very attractive unless she put on lot of make up. That sounds rude I know, but it's the truth. I couldn't believe I dated her cuz I'm usually a shallow person, But her character, fun personality, our common interests and how hard she tried to make the relationship work were what I loved about her. She broke up with me cuz my future had no direction at the time... Anyway, don't give up. It is possible. She really had to put herself out there. I guess she knew she was at a competitive disadvantage because of her looks.

Men are very visual by nature.

Unfortunately that often translates to shallow.

But hey, you aren't alone in this boat. And I agree with johnstockton12's main point above.

Some of my favorite people I know I judged too quickly at first, but took the time to get to the know them later. Don't worry about the guys that don't take the time.

yourself more attractive?

Seriously, if you improved your health and appearance, you'd feel like a million bux!

And if men still didn't think you were hot, you could at least legitimately claim they're shallow.

But you'd still feel wonderful in your new, healthier body.

Taking responsibility....a dangerous thing. ;-)

The problem is NO man has taken the time.

I think it's more about self esteem than your looks. People are attracted to self confidence. I have seen plenty of larger, (unattractive by societies standards) people have boyfriends/girlfriends. I have a big fat ass but my boyfriend loves that about me. Not every guy is looking for a supermodel. Who wants to be with a boring but attractive person the rest of their life? Personality and self confidence counts.

Ummmm...I really can't change my basic looks or my disabilities. Not something I can take "responsibility" for.

^to seeker1

The problem is it's a big long circle. You suffer rejection and hurt. You start feeling bad about yourself and have low self esteem, which makes you less attractive and less willing to put yourself out there, which gets you more rejection....In several years you just want to not put yourself out there.

I have a really difficult time understanding the dynamics of dating, as I've never even dated.

But I've seen the most homely people get married and often the spouse is quite attractive.

And I've seen really beautiful people not be able to find anyone, or they end up going through 3 or 4 marriages.

I really don't know how the law of attraction works. It's all a mystery to me.

But there must be more to it than just looks.

and it's very hard for them to overcome that programming. Some do but most don't.

I don't mean for this to sound as if it's coming from a feminist theory textbook but this is just how the world works: (1) Men want to date women who have physical attributes that signal they are fertile and free from disease and capable of bearing offspring (Page 3 and lad's mags girls don't look like tall, slim models that women envy) and (2) women who are proportionally submissive on some level that can allow the man to feel superior -- height, weight, physical strength, intelligence, etc. Once these criteria are met then other considerations such as common interests and personality traits come into play.

I'm told that I'm attractive and nice looking but I'm in the 6'2" - 6'4" height range and many men won't even stand next to me or look at me if I pass by them. They will look at the floor, stare at the ceiling or look at the wall to avoid making direct eye contact with me. I'm a well educated intellectual but socially outgoing fashionista nerd who does her own plumbing, wiring and auto repair work. Being tall, intelligent, and independent pretty much makes you undateable when it comes to men.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2014 12:18PM by anybody.

anybody Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I'm told that I'm attractive and nice looking but
> I'm in the 6'2" - 6'4" height range.....I'm a well educated
> intellectual but socially outgoing fashionista
> nerd who does her own plumbing, wiring and auto
> repair work. Being tall, intelligent, and
> independent....

Many would be intimidated by these qualities.
But there are those who, being supremely confident and comfortable with themselves (and for whom conceptually the domination of anyone is an anathema) and seeking their 'equal-opposite' One, would find these same qualities irresistible.

I do not think one of your calibre would relish putting up with one in the former intimidated category.

Jujubee that is not up to you to decide who is going to be attracted to you.
It takes time.

Gee Jujubee you've courage just to be out there. Dating is a train-wreck on the best days. Just hated it. Always felt like was putting a 'for sale' sign about the neck. Navigating so much fake - everyone trying to look like someone they're not, judging you about things that do not matter.
In self-examination every honest person finds many reasons to not be 'acceptable' yet those self-perceived negatives often turn out to be positives - to the right one.
Those who are not honest in self-examination are insufferable. No loss there.
You didn't ask any advisement, so an in-advance apology.
Still, if could have talked to myself from the present back 30 years, would have told myself:
Don't believe that glossy-picture-beautiful-people-Hollywood stuff. 'Attractivity' is highly variable and individual. It really is. (I never found the glossy-people the least attractive, so there is at least one. -And I am a pretty common chap.)
One size does just not fit all.
Find reasons to enjoy each day and to feel alive, connected with the universe.
Developing genuine interests keeps life good. Example: Learning about birds, can lead to organized birdwatching walks, can lead to meeting those sharing one's interest. (But the reason to do this is not to meet folks, it is to develop ones own true interests.)
Find what is loved, and spend time there. It changes us.
The oddest thing is, when one stops actively seeking something and becomes comfortable with life as it is, is often when that something once sought comes to us.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2014 02:12PM by zenjamin.

I'm a single woman in my 40s, not beautiful, and I feel ya! However, my beautiful friends, including those who are younger than me, struggle with the same dating difficulties. Wish I had some advice for you...for me, dating is either feast or famine...there are 4-5 guys hanging around or none at all.

Attractiveness really is highly variable, as zenjamin says above. Since I left the church, my views of what is/isn't attractive have changed considerably.

Sorry I don't buy the theory that men are programmed for only attractive and/or submissive women. That stereotype is unfair to both men and women and we need to quit putting societal norms down as biological certainties.

The only guys that attract me are the smart ones - or ones with kooky senses of humor (usually tied to intelligence). I don't care about money or looks or any of that stuff, and I don't want to get married. I like my freedom and being able to move around when I want.

I think the fact that I don't really want a serious relationship attracts guys to me because it's a non-stressful situation. I just want friends. To me, there's nothing better than sitting around a campfire and talking late into the night.

If you can just have fun and forget about having a serious relationship, you'll find it's easier to make friends - that could move into something else, but don't push it. Sometimes I think I'm actually happier w/o a serious relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2014 02:49PM by lostinutah.

I met my husband on a blind date. I was over 30 and had given up and had to be pushed, kicking and screaming, into going on the blind date! He told me I was pretty. I wondered WTF was wrong with him if he thought that!

I figured it was bad eyes... but he just got his eyes fixed (cataract surgery with new kick-@$$ lens implants)and STILL thinks I'm pretty! No one else in the world does, I assure you.

29 years later... I'm sure glad I went on that date.