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Posted by: anon4thisone ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 08:07PM

I had a pretty messed up adolescence and young adulthood (I'm still a young adult, but I mean 19-23 or so) in terms of unfortunate happenings/mental health issues. I always suffered from depression and converted as a teenager because I thought it'd make me happy. Got engaged, the whole bit. After I figured out I was a feminist and a lesbian and, oh, also that it was all fucking crazy, I thankfully left, but felt lost afterwards in a new city (a very conservative city, where you really can't be outwardly gay) and quickly fell in with a bad crowd and into a horribly physically and sexually abusive relationship that ended in hospitalization (for me) and jail (for her). When it was over I was still reeling, my parents still weren't speaking to me and blamed me/my gayness for the abuse, I felt like an evil sinner, I was more depressed than ever--it was real, real bad. I was a mess. And when I got a new girlfriend, who became my wife, I took it out on her. I hated that I was gay and hated my whole life, in addition to losing my faith, not being able to talk to any of my old friends, and having virtually no family anymore (we've since reconciled and they've accepted it, but they were downright cruel at the time). I was emotionally abusive to her and acted just plain crazy; I hadn't dealt with my abuse at all and suspected her of just about everything. I was crazy jealous, neurotic, angry, pretty much everything awful. Like I said, I was a damn mess. The last few years had emotionally shredded me and I shouldn't have been in any kind of relationship. I also didn't believe I was worthy of any kind of love. I couldn't believe she might actually care about someone like me. I felt broken and horribly damaged (and then I proved it).

She loved the hell out of me, was endlessly patient, and we were able to salvage some happy times, and explosive loving, in the midst of it all. We got married in a whirlwind of romance even though I never really acted right; I got better after we got married and was acting better towards her, but the damage was done. Cue six months later, she says she can't forget how I treated her at first and she wants to leave. She left without saying goodbye.

I was utterly destroyed but knew I deserved it and have never blamed anyone but myself. That was a year ago and still I can't forget it. I know she was the one and nobody will ever love me like that again, and so I've grown more content with filling my life with other things, even though all I ever wanted, really, was to be married and in love. I date sometimes to distract myself, but I can't love anyone else, that's for sure. It's only gotten worse as time has gone on in terms of my certainty that she was the one real love of my life, the once-in-a-lifetime thing. I considered suicide but am not brave enough, and now I'm more mentally stable and just sort of get through the days. Some days I don't even think about her but I never feel that I can love another person even for a moment.

I wish things were different.

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 08:48PM

It seems to me from what you've written here that you've given up on yourself.

You've come a very long way, and you understand (for the most part, anyway) what you did in the past that worked against you (and any relationships you were in at that time).

I don't understand your words: "...but the damage was done. Cue six months later, she says she can't forget how I treated her at first and she wants to leave. She left without saying goodbye."

For me...this is incomprehensible. When you love someone, and you get to the point where you are FINALLY together, you don't then leave because of what happened earlier in the relationship. That makes no emotional sense at all...nor does it make logical sense...if she DID really love you.

People have pasts (and certainly full adults have pasts), and sometimes things have to be resolved (either in one person's mind, or in both people's minds)...but once that resolution process has been gone through, then it's as if it occurred in a LITERAL "past life." If she knew "for a fact" that you had actually killed her in a past life (say a hundred years before, in a Middle Eastern country), would you think it rational for her--if she thought you had resolved that problem in your own consciousness/being--to leave you in THIS life?

(I am using this as an example because this is the exact situation my mother was in: she had very good reason to believe that my father's mother--who I love and loved so INCREDIBLY much!!!--had killed her (poisoned her food) in a previous life in Turkey. Obviously--to ME, anyway--if this DID happen, my Grandma had changed incredibly for the better in the time since. But my Mom STILL felt all those negative emotions towards her, even though they were BOTH in different bodies, and in different lives, right now. I always thought this was crazy because, even if it WAS true, GRANDMA, BECAUSE OF HER EXPERIENCES AND HER NEWLY-GAINED MATURITY AND INSIGHT, HAD CHANGED ENORMOUSLY FOR THE BETTER!!!)

I think this woman in your life was, evidently, at least somewhat like my mother.

This doesn't have ANYTHING to do with how any OTHER person who loves you would act/react. Do not unjustly blame ANOTHER person for this previous woman's actions.

If someone in a loving relationship is not able to resolve their hurts of things which happened in the past, then they haven't grown enough yet.

Don't "blame" or ASSUME that ANYONE else is like the woman you were involved with.

You can lose an ENTIRE LIFETIME if you make this ASSUMPTION.

And you can wreck your life, and the life of another, just because you ASSUMED something that never existed, was never true, and is nothing more than an unfounded fear of your own creation.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2014 08:52PM by tevai.

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Posted by: schlock ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 08:51PM

And I know you don't want to hear this.

And I know it's a cliché.

But if you continue working on your own issues, and continue becoming a healthier person, and (perhaps most importantly) learn to celebrate yourself, and who you are, including your whole sexual self, you will find somebody new.

A somebody who rocks your world just like your ex did. And your connection to this new woman in your life will just as strong, if not stronger, than your connection was to your ex.

And, I refuse to believe that all of your relationship's ills were solely from you. In all (or almost all) relationships, both parties have a hand in the dynamics of the same. You talk about being broken at the time. Have you ever asked yourself why your ex chose to be with you, what needs of hers were being met by being with you.

Celebrate what you had that was good with your ex, learn lessons from what was bad, and move forward in life. It is an incredible gift, after all is said and done.

Oh, and finally, this meeting of your futuristic flame, WILL NOT HAPPEN when you want it to happen, rather it will happen when it happens. (If that makes sense.) Prepare yourself, as a beautiful human being, with all the flaws and quirks that that entails, so that your next relationship can be healthier than was your last.

(Incidentally, I firmly DON'T believe in soul partners. But I do believe in soul connectivity.)

And finally, are you seeing a good non-mo therapist? If not, you should probably look into it, to help process what appears to be unresolved grief and guilt that you're carrying around.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2014 08:52PM by schlock.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 09:37PM

Until you can find your own equilibrium, there is no use in pursuing romantic relationships. Part of finding your equilibrium is in realizing that extremes of thought and language ("nobody will ever love me like that again," "she was the one real love of my life," etc.) will prevent you from finding your balance.

Try to moderate your thoughts. Avoid self-talk that uses extreme words like all, everyone, no one, etc. Create a "no drama" zone around yourself. Surround yourself with stable, happy people. Meditate, walk, swim, read, talk to a therapist. Look after your nutrition and sleep needs. Work to bring equilibrium to your life.

Life is long, you learn a lot and grow a lot, and you will not be the same person 10, 20, 30 or more years from now. Give the future you a break. Give her a chance. Be kind to her. That woman has lots of positives going on in her life, and she just wants to give her poor, confused younger self a hug and tell her to just hang in there, that it's all going to be okay and work out just fine.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2014 10:15PM by summer.

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Posted by: Facing Tao ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 09:55PM

And even more than that, optimally one realizes that nobody, or nothing external will ever make oneself truly happy before engaging in a romantic/intimate relationship. It is difficult to really internalize this because the instincts (which are biological) that tell otherwise are often very strong. However, not realizing this – as many, many people do not do before getting in head over heels – easily leads to co-dependent, clingy relationships that easily destabilize once the hormones wear off in couple of years (at most), sometimes sooner.

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Posted by: Bradley ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 10:32PM

You post has "me" and "I" all through it. A relationship is all about her. I mean, it comes from inside of you first. Like the prophet John Lennon said, love is a flower. You gotta let it grow.

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Posted by: Facing Tao ( )
Date: February 10, 2014 11:53PM

"Like the prophet John Lennon said..."

:thumbsup: :)

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Posted by: verilyverily ( )
Date: February 11, 2014 02:59AM

Please don't give up. You will find another love. Now that you are more mentally healthy, you will be able to love back much better. Be patient. One year is not that long. Keep us posted. We care about you.

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Posted by: notnewatthisanymore ( )
Date: February 11, 2014 11:35AM

I was dating someone similar to the first partner you described, and my behavior was just like yours towards your wife. It was an interesting dynamic. I was getting over a lot of emotional pain, I was acting out, and I was in an abusive dependent/codependent style relationship. I worked with a counselor, I did a lot of reading to understand my childhood trauma, my current abusive relationship, and my own codependent behavior. I sought help for my PTSD, and leaving the church helped me to start seeing things clearly so that I could drop the controlling, perfectionistic possessiveness. It has all turned around from there. I was in a whirlwind of abusive relationships from the one I mentioned first here, through several other girlfriends, and up to my first sexual relationship. Through all of this I was doing the reading and counseling. By the last relationship, it had all clicked, and I realized what I was doing to myself. I had grown, I cut off ties with the abuser. I took control of my life and have grown immensely since.

It IS possible, but it takes time. You have been hurt in so many ways, of course your relationships will be a mess. Get help, work through your trauma, heal. Get to know yourself. Also, know how you learn, I am definitely an analytical thinker, so reading and analyzing is my goto. Your mileage may vary, but here is my reading list of top most helpful books:

How to be your own best friend.
Are you the one for me
codependent no more
If you had controlling parents

Each of these are well worth your time, IMO. I am constantly adding to my list, because I still have a long ways to go. However, you can do it.

I'm sorry you lost the love of your life, it hurts. Especially when it feels like things may never be different. Just keep plugging away, you can make things better, but it usually takes going through some tough emotions to start improving.

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Posted by: crom ( )
Date: February 11, 2014 01:25PM

I'm impressed with your honesty and self awareness. Most abusive people have justifications and excuses for the abuse, but I see none of that. It sounds like you've wrapped your head around the past, which is a good thing. I'm sorry I can't change the past though.

I hope that things get better for you going forward.

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Posted by: anonguy ( )
Date: February 11, 2014 06:01PM

I'm sorry. This genuinely touched me.

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Posted by: dotdotdotdot ( )
Date: February 12, 2014 12:06PM

Things were very rough and during the rough times, she was hooked in, then when it smoothed out, she bailed and blamed it on the rough times. That should tell you something. I'm not judging or trying to make her into the bad guy, but you BOTH went into the relationship with lots of "stuff" you were trying to work out, not just you. She had a dynamic of her own going on there, and she didn't leave you because of you. She left because of her, and because the relationship was no longer serving what she was trying to play out with her own issues. Relationships are lessons, and there's never just one in a lifetime. It's easy to think that because that one was so intense it could never happen again, but it DOES. Ask anyone who ever thought it wouldn't, it does. Your job is to come to peace with yourself so you can connect in a different way and with a different agenda with someone. That relationship wasn't bad, it wasn't a mistake, it served a purpose, so thank it and accept it for what it was and wish her and yourself well.

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