Last week my TBM MIL announced her engagement to a guy in his 70's. She's nearing her 50's but she still has 2 kids at home, a 17 year old (will be 18 next month) and a 15 year old. The 17 year old is my SIL and will be graduating a semester early from high school in December. She's been accepted to the university here that I graduated from which is about 25 minutes away.

My MIL is planning on getting married this December. I don't know what the rush is but that's what she's said. My SIL is itching to get out of the house. The 2 of them (MIL and SIL) do not have a great relationship. It's been a struggle for my MIL to get SIL to go to church. SIL has told me that she doesn't like it, doesn't like the people, the culture, etc. MIL keeps forcing the issue with her, not giving her a choice about going even though most people would think she is old enough to decide if she wants to go or not. This struggle has affected SIL a lot and has caused her to rebel a bit. A bit of drinking and smoking pot but apparently she's over it now. She doesn't date and has professed to everyone that she doesn't want to get married at 19 (like both of her older sisters) but wants to wait until she's older. I think the age she's settled on now is 28.

I'm not a mormon but was ALMOST baptized. Since I found out what it's really all about I have nothing to do with that church. My husband hasn't attended at all since we've been married which has been 4 years. We also have a soon to be 16 month old.

She has asked us if she can move in with us when she graduates. We have a spare 3rd bedroom and a bonus room in the basement so she could have either space. I am worried about the whole church issue though.

I will not force her to go to church and I have a feeling if she stops going and starts to lead a life that she chooses my MIL will be all over my case (you see because I'm the reason my husband stopped going is what she thinks). I told my husband that he would need to talk to his mom and tell her that we will not be forcing anything on her. I already know that it will turn into a discussion of how he's leading his life. She's already laid the guilt trip on him about how he's the oldest and all of his brothers and sisters look up to him for example.

And I would just refuse to talk to MIL about any of it. If she wants to complain, hang up on her. Let her complain to hubby.

If your basement room has it's own kitchen, seperate entrance, etc., then sure, why not? But if your SIL will be sharing the facilities with you, then I would advise against it, unless things get really dire for her at home with your MIL's new marriage. Your own marriage is still relatively young, and you have a toddler at home to boot. Adding a teenager to the mix may put a strain on your marriage and family life. I say this as someone who lived with my own brother and SIL while I was in school.

Whether your SIL goes to church or not is betweer her and your MIL. If MIL is paying her tuition, then she will have that to hold over your SIL. If not, then the apron strings are cut. Either way, it's not your concern.

Thanks for the sound advice. I have never had this kind of situation before of someone potentially living with us. I sympathize with my SIL though. I get along with her the best out of all my in-laws and I know how my MIL is. I know if I were in her shoes I would want out of MIL's house. She is pretty smothering and narcissitic.

MIL is not paying for her tuition. SIL is relying on the HOPE scholarship (a program that pays tuition as long as you maintain a 3.0 GPA) and pell grants. My husband seems to be for the idea as long as everything is talked out beforehand. Our house payment isn't even $600/month because we put a large sum down so there's really no issue about helping with the mortgage. He seems to think that she'll be available to babysit but I know college work can be overwhelming at times so I'm not going to bet on it.

I just know that when MIL doesn't get her way (ie when her kids start doing stuff that she doesn't like) it's terrible. When my husband and I became engaged she started telling everyone that he was possessed by Satan. All the kids fled the nest soon after they were of age. Like I said, both sisters married at 19 to boys they'd only known for few months, another brother went out to BYU and then on his mission. He came home last month and is already planning to fly out to Utah again.

I feel for her. She has so much potential. I could see her going to school and doing something great as a career. She's already asked me what I thought about law school. Decisions, decisions...

Do you like her? Would she fit in?

You have adequate accommodations and aren't hard up financially (great house payment, btw) so damn the MIL and full steam ahead!

If I were you, I'd have a meeting with SIL and your hubby and lay out some ground rules, put them in writing, and everyone has to agree to them. Whatever you do don't treat her like a built-in babysitter; she's not. But do have her contribute to the household in some constructive way that would help her feel some sort of ownership of her space, for example, being the sole person responsible for 'x' chore; something that would work around her schedule.

This would be a really generous thing on your part, but if you have everything worked out to your satisfaction (disregard the MIL) then the hassles will be minimized. Good luck!

You need to be very very clear, write EVERYTHING out, right down to bathroom time if you are going to have to share hot water. EVERYTHING. And then get her to sign it and keep it in a place you can all see it.

Keep in mind, she is still a minor when it comes to drinking. BIG legal trouble for her and you. Drugs are a 1st time you are out offense. Who will she have in the home, around your kid and things, when. Will it raise your car insurance to have her there? What is she going to drive? And I really like the idea of a dedicated chore that would be flexible. How about laundry? And of course, clean after her self 100%.

As to MIL, have DH make it clear that you are not the church police and have no intention of getting into that situation. That is between the two of them period.

You're not housing a teenager or gaining a nanny.

You are renting a spare room to a college student who happens to be your SIL/husband's sister.

And yes, put the terms in writing.

If TSCC was not an issue, would you be willing to do this? It would be a shame if you would let the church thing influence your decision one way or the other. Choosing to help someone should be based on who that particular person is, your relationship with them, the nature of the help they need, what you can afford to give in time and or money.

You may have to steel yourself to also taking the 15 year old, in due course. You can hardly agree to rescue one and not the other and they will both be getting the same treatment from MIL.

Also, what's with marrying a man so much older? late 40s is a hell of an age gap to 70s - reminds me of a line from Last of the Summer Wine (world's longest running sitcom) "Once they get old you just end up with feeding and first aid."

My two cents: I rented to college students twice before. It worked out OK.
They had to keep the same hours as everyone else in the household. If they were not going to be there for dinner, they had to let us know. They had to pay half the utilities (this cut down on waste considerabley), and their share of any food. NO visitors unless they came to see us, too. And we split cooking and cleaning up on a regular schedule.
It worked out OK, and we're still friends.

by what is allowed by the law. You could do a regular month to month contract -- standard rental contract in your state.
I wouldn't do it any other way.
She would need to be employed or have some verifiable income like any other renter, whether she is related to your family or not.

Otherwise, NOPE.
It's too easy for someone to move in and completely upset the whole household.
Been there done that. Gets out of hand in a hurry.

NEVER allow people to live in your home unless it's a standard written rental agreement and the terms are understood up front.

Lay out the rules of your home and help the kid if you can. I sure would try if the teen agrees to your rules and you are financially okay with it.

Thanks everyone! Husband and I are going to talk about it some more when he comes home. There are obviously a lot of things to talk about and a lot of good points to bring up. I hope that either way we go things will work out. And I do realize that in a couple of years little BIL might come knocking (yeah, he already brought it up when we first moved into the house). It's a lot to think about and take in. Thank goodness we have a couple of months to mull it over. Thanks again!

If she's a potential troublemaker, maybe think twice; if you like each other, and above all, if you feel she does have a good heart, go for it. She'll be eternally grateful to you.

NOT if you are an introvert!
This is too much togetherness and will disrupt yor life and marriage.

Having someone underfoot while raising a toddler is not conducive to a peaceful home life.
Think twice about taking on your MIL's responsibilities.

I agree, don't use her as a built-in babysitter. In fact, don't have her babysit at all unless she volunteers and gets paid, even then make it only for really special occasions or emergencies. Expect her to do her own laundry and dishes. You may even consider having her purchase her own dishes. She'd just need one of each thing anyway.

You say you're not concerned about the expenses of her living there, but will she be using electric, water, gas and need transportation, ect. She'll also be eating there, buying clothes, and whatever else. You need to charge her a small amount of rent to pay for these things. Charge more if you find yourself feeding her. Don't treat her like a teenage daughter, treat her like a tenant. Expect her to work at least part time to pay her own living expenses and make it clear you're not there to just give her a free ride to replace her parent.

I also agree about the alcohol. She's a minor, and you have your own child you need to protect. There's no excuse for her to bring it into your home ever. Drugs should be an immediate eviction. Let us know how things go.

My suggestions are:

1.) Don't expect a live in babysitter/nanny. If she likes the kids and doesn't mind watching them here and there for a few bucks, fine. But like you said, if she's a student she's probably not going to have that kind of time or inclination. Don't reduce her to live-in help in exchange for room and board.

2.) Set very clear boundaries-- boys, drugs, noise, car, sleeping arrangements, etc. Make the family schedule clear. Set guidelines about noise, TV watching volume, whatever needs to be kept in mind to keep things running smoothly. If you need to, assign a bathroom time so that no one is late for school or work.

3.) Communicate a clear standard for cleanliness in the house. Make sure she agrees that it's not too much. Ask her to ALWAYS clean up after herself and assign her some kind of general cleaning job around the house-- ex. clean the bathroom once a week. That way she's not making any messes and she is contributing to the regular housekeeping that isn't anyone's particular mess in the first place. It helps if you already have a pretty standard routine in place.

4.) Agree on a time-line for her to start covering her share of utilities and food. In our experience, two months is generous. We assigned a spot in the refrigerator and sister supports herself food-wise. We divide household utilities by each person in the house and charge her for one person.

5.) As much as possible, figure out how to let her have as much independence as you can, without destroying family life. Set clear boundaries, but don't go overboard and be a control freak about it (I tend to do this, and it's not cool).

6.)As Susan I/S pointed out, get it in writing. Also, be assertive about stuff that comes up that bugs you. In a living arrangement like this, if you just let things fester, it sucks. Also, don't get in between festering issues between say, your husband and his sister. Encourage everyone to discuss issues respectfully and directly AS they come up, DIRECTLY with the parties involved. It might take some getting used to, but when everyone knows the deal, everyone can relax and be happy.

Everyone had some great advice about laying down rules and getting everything in writing. I would also stress angsty's point 6. If something starts bugging you, make sure to address it ASAP.

My husband and I lived in his parent's home for a year while they were out of the state (job, not church) and my husband had been laid off. We also had the joy of housing his 19 & 20 year old siblings on & off.

We set a bunch of rules about school, jobs, cleaning, etc. but things just kept slipping. I avoid confrontation at all costs, so by the end I was a basket-case.

I would also advise giving a lot more thought to what this might do with you and your husband's relationship and both of you with MIL. (Although it sounds like everyone's relationship with her will be very different soon anyway...)

Our biggest problem was that as the youngest 2, these kids were very spoiled, and their parents had never followed through with anything. After breaking the truck their dad was letting them use, and then not mentioning the weird sound our car was making when we let them borrow it to get to school until it was a pretty big deal, my husband offerend to LEND them money to fix up and register the beater his brother owned. After housing and feeding these kids for months, guess who was the bad guy for not just paying for it?

We have been moved out for 3 months, and I still have twinges of anger over the whole situation, and the couple of times we've seen his parents since they moved back, it's been strained. In fact, they had been back for a month before they even called us...

That got a little rambly, but I do want to caution you that if you already have worries about the affect this will have, my bet is it will actually end up worse.

Perhaps you can just offer to be a temporary landing place until she can find an apartment with a couple roommates?

Oh hell no! You're asking for trouble. Why bother?

Besides, teen-age girls have cooties.

NEVER.
After 3 days, fish and relatives stink.

Let your MIL and her new penisholder worry about getting her daughter into housing for college.
It's their responsibility,don't make it your problem.

And don't be so eager to mess up your own marriage with a constant houseguest!
If you do, You will get sucked into family drama, might as well bank on it.

Glo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> NEVER.
> After 3 days, fish and relatives stink.
>
> Let your MIL and her new penisholder worry
> about getting her daughter into housing for
> college.
> It's their responsibility,don't make it your
> problem.
>
> And don't be so eager to mess up your own marriage
> with a constant houseguest!
> If you do, You will get sucked into family drama,
> might as well bank on it.

Exactly! Ding ding ding...we have a winner, folks. :)