I was born into the church and for my entire life till I was 21 was too afraid to admit my doubts and lived in constant guilt about everything bc it was all I knew. When I finally got the confidence in my own feelings and thoughts to be honest I quit going and a year later started making decisions based on my own objectivity and desires. Now I am a bit wild I guess because I'm not use to being able to do things that are carefree and fun. Drinking and things make me feel good where my whole life it seems I never did. Its hard for me to be around "normal" people because I feel so different from them. I don't know how to relate because I was raised so strangely and spent sooo much time alone due to the combination of the church and my family's particular behaviors. When I started drinking it was like life finally became worth living. Which I know means I am just using it as a crutch. I worry that I will get more and more drawn to alcohol and I'll end up depending on it to be able to "normally" interact with others who didn't grow up like me, or even feel good at all. All I ever want to do is party drink and go out etc etc. I worry that I'll never just learn how to be me. Did anyone feel this way when they left?

Yes, you need to be concerned. People who were not brought up Mormon are not all into drinking. It is just that they feel freer in most cases to drink now and then. YOU need to find a group of friends who do many fun things- not just go out partying all the time. Sorry Mormonism messed with you for so long. But it is not your fault. You were born into it. And I don't really know what you mean by "normal" people. You didn't think Mormons were normal so all these other folks you see around now could very well be normal, right? If you are hanging with the wrong crowd then they surely are not normal. Do you intend to go to college, do you have a job, etc.??? Drinking is very bad if you plan to do well in those areas. So just remember you can have lots of fun without drinking at all or just have one drink with a meal when you go out. The rest of the night can be filled with much more fun and you won't risk becoming an alcoholic. Bes wishes.

My freshman year in college was basically like the opening scenes of Das Boot. That year is one big blur. LOL!

Whoa. I know exactly what you're going through. Try to be careful with that stuff. It can bite back. Do you need to spend some time with wild people who are sober? Really, I'd hate to see someone go off the deep end like I did. There are healthier ways to rebel against the most sorry excuse for religion in the West. Have fun, but remember that you have to take responsibility for yourself now. It's OK to tone it down. If it's really bothering you and you'd like to discuss it privately, you can email me at plyg_defector at hotmail dot com.

Troy

All I wanted to do was play, play, play! My husband and I made up for all those lost hours spend in meetings and callings, and keeping our children quiet and imprisoned indoors on those beautiful sunny beach days. At first, we felt guilty about all the fun we were having.

Everyone is different. With you it's alcohol, with me it was parties (no drinking) bikinis and short-shorts, and flirting with attractive men (no sex). Sometimes you get the feeling of loosing control, but you are just trying your wings. You are far wiser than a rebelling child or teen-ager. Your life will settle down.

Sometimes I feel like I might neverlearn how to interact "normally" with others. Even when I'm doing OK, I still feel that twinge of awkwardness. Face it: we were raised in a very weird cult, by very weird parents. I am in therapy.

Youth is on your side, and you are not set in your ways. Practice being a friend, keep on being social, but learn to appreciate solitude as well.

Congratulations on learning the truth and becoming your own person and making your own decisions! Leaving a cult is extremely difficult, and you are a very strong, brave 21-year-old!

I went through the exact same thing. When I quit going to church I found all the things I had been sheltered from, alcohol, drugs, etc. Of course I did used them to deal with not being normal, and to fit in with others. Anything worth doing was worth over-doing, and I got in over my head at times. Some of my friends who also left the church went down the same road. Not all of them made it to the other side. About two years ago I had a friend who died, from what we can tell was a prescription drug over dose. No the drugs were not prescribed to him, he was a paramedic and was getting high from drugs off the truck. The point is just because you have the new found freedom doesn't mean you have to do it.

Feeling like you don't fit in is normal. I left the church when I was 21 just like you. I'm now 27 and still have a hard time fitting in with others. You worry about not find yourself, it will happen. It just takes time. I never thought I'd get to where I am now. I have a house, a truck, a motorcycle, and life is starting to fall into place.

Hang in there. Things will turn around. You've made the first step to become normal.

I think mormons and some exmos are WAY more afraid of alcohol than they need to be. Are you 21? You are supposed to be going out and partying. Look up what it means to be an alcoholic. If you go out after a night of drinking and then need a drink in the morning to get going THEN you need to worry. Alcohol is a social lubricant. There is nothing wrong with that.

I drank A LOT for the first 6 months after I got out. I was in the Marines and my command even thought I might be drinking too much. I was feeling out my not mormon self. Drinking and interacting with people DID help me find myself.

How long you been out? It might take awhile.

The more you pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, desires, impulses, dislikes, etc., the stronger the relationship you develop with yourself. Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves over time (ref. http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/).

As the website explains, cultic Mormonism did not allow you, me, or millions of other people to simply experience life AS IT WAS and develop our ability to think, judge and be resourceful in order to adapt. We were 'programmed' by the LDS Church to regard good things that happened as 'blessings' from the Mormon sky-god, 'Heavenly Father', and 'bad' things as either punishments from 'the Lord' or 'Satan' gaining power over us because we'd been 'unrighteous'. Such 'programming' was (is) a major mind-f*ck.

People like to explore, which is what you've been doing. Just look at infants, toddlers and small children! They go exploring every day! New toys, new cupboard doors to try to open, new plastic dishes to try to put lids on, etc., etc. Curiosity is a natural, healthy part of who we are.

Cultic Mormonism, however, shuts down curiosity. A cup of coffee is 'bad' and trying wine is, well, breaking the Word of Wisdom! OMG! She's had a glass of white wine and now she's sipping on some cabernet! He tried some dark ale and is now ordering a shot of Tequila! Crisis! Crisis! 'Satan' is taking over!! Sound the alarm! Start up the guilt-tripping! Break out the 'spiritual fear'! Kill her/his curiosity!!

Sounds like you drink socially. Hundreds of millions of people do too. If you can't get through a day or two or even a few without a drink, then you have a problem. If that's the case, talk to your family doctor. There's lots of info. online about alcoholism (ref. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism). If you have an issue with alcohol, deal with it. There's nothing to be ashamed of, if that's the case. If not, don't worry about it.

As we explore different aspects of life after Mormonism (e.g., trying alcoholic beverages, sex, etc.), we 'organically' learn what works for us as an individual and what doesn't, which is fundamentally the process that children, teenagers and adults experience. We learn as we go. Gaining experience is good and learning is good. The key is to learn to be wise. We do that by educating ourselves (i.e., taking the time to become more aware) and thinking about the consequences of our decisions and actions. Drinking 20 oz. of whiskey in one go is going to make the drinker sick - a bad consequence). OK. Don't drink so much next time. No guilt-tripping is needed. Simply decide to make a better decision next time, and do so.

If you're willing to learn and grow as a person, you'll be fine.

Best wishes!

only I didn't think about why, and it wasn't like life finally became worth living. I never really liked drinking or feeling like crap the next day. But the bit about being raised strangely and feeling different, yeah. I was trying to catch up.

But I also really wanted to get married, found a boring guy who let me talk him into it, and reverted to something closer to Mormon drinking habits at 25.

I'll tell you what I tell my son, who was raised with no religion and got to do pretty much whatever he wanted but drinks a lot anyway, and so do his many hundreds of friends:

Try to stop at two.

And here's a secret that I didn't learn until I was about 40: Most people feel like a freak for one reason or another. I wasn't that unusual, and neither are you.

:-)

I had a couple of older roommates and they were real alcoholics. We had friends over three times a week and got trashed. This went on for a few months when I snapped out of it. I suddenly realized my roommates were losers and I was well on my way to joining them. Snapped out of it, moved out, got my own place, cut WAY back on the drinking and became much healthier and happier. Moderation people, moderation.

I like and agree with what mick said: Just because you have the new found freedom, doesn't mean you have to do it all the time.

I also like and agree with what The exmo formerly known as Br. Vreeland said: Moderation people, moderation.

As said before, if you are showing signs of alcoholism, you need to get help and make sure alcohol is not taking over your life in a negative manner. If you are an occasional social drinker that likes to have fun and sip back a few without any problem, more power to you. Don't feel guilty if the latter is the case. Addiction is destructive. Moderation is acceptable.

Dude, count yourself lucky on two fronts: youth + meta-thinking.

Yes, it's normal to want to rebel against the 'establishment' and figure out stuff for yourself. I say, get the partying out of your system and then relax. The drinking thing could be warning of as yet un-acknowledged addiction. If somewhat true, don't start! Stay away from the stuff.

When I finally let go of the frikkin cult in my mid-30's, I bought a couple can of beers and sat in front of the TV to drink myself into a stupor. I've never had the stuff before and it tasted awful and I wanted to puke! So, out that plan went. Partied with some really cool people and discovered I couldn't relate, I wasn't normal. In fact I felt childish around them, if not infantile. Dang it! So, I begged off the next time around. I experimented with 'women of the night' and while the sex was mind-blowing, I felt terribly guilty afterwards.

Cult programming was difficult to shake off. I felt frustrated, didn't understand what was rebelling or what was for kicks. The problem was not knowing which behaviors and thinking were normal. I figured I should just observe and learn first. Reading non-Mormony stuff was the first step.

At your age it's pretty normal. Just don't let it interfere with your work or school life. Don't drive while trashed or let it compel you to make unwise hookup decisions. This phase usually burns itself out within a few years.

If you start having blackouts (periods of time for which you have no memory,) or if you wake up craving alcohol, then you're in trouble.

Please don't feel that you are THAT different from others. Everyone has insecurities. Ask any psychologist.

At your age you should be focused on career goals. Make sure that you're building a solid foundation for your future.

I am there right now, I love to party and be absolutely opposite of how I was when I was Mormon and and what I thought was wrong. I always thought this behavior was pure evil and reckless. I don't feel evil, but I do feel like alcohol and clubbing is driving me into the ground. I am having problems relating to people outside of the Mormons and inside. I have a small circle of friends now where I use to be extremely social and in the most popular groups. That stuff use to be important but it isn't now it's just an adjustment. I have trust issues outside of the church. I did with in as well but not as much. I have only been out since this summer but it took me two years to do it. In the past couple of months when I hang out with Mormons I say sarcastic remarks. A half Native American guy talking about the girl he likes but doesn't know if he should date her..then I pipe in, is she of Lamanite descent? Or a Guy at dinner talking about how he is from South America and me saying, wow their skin really has gotten lighter. Or I say to my friend, do you even know why Joseph Smith was put into jail? That he shot three men in his Carthage shoot out? Then she says how do you know that? There were survivors..John Taylor. I have to be a know it all. I need to learn to trust again and spend my time more wisely.

Doesn't sound like it's helping you in the long run. Better to find out who you are and take steps to help you have a happy healthy life without crutches like excessive drinking which is unhealthy and gives only temporary enjoyment.

Sounds perfectly normal -- no, typical -- for a 21-year-old.

Know the signs of alcoholism and be aware of your own behavior in that context, but otherwise, have fun and don't worry about it... while you can.