My wife is good at pointless arguments.

I knew there would be one as she had her "I am ready for a fight" face on when I arrived from work. So I played safe, trying not to cause a flashpoint. Which, naturally, makes me tense and stressed.

Later, she spilt a glass of red wine and, somehow, that was my fault, though I was nowhere near her or the glass when it happened.

Then she asked me to do something, she was speaking in a low tone of voice, when the door between us was closed and she was two rooms away and I had some music on for the parrot. Not surprisingly I didn't hear her. But that was my fault, too, naturally.

The argument was short and nasty. But the argument was my fault, too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2011 05:01PM by matt.

And even apologize, even though you know it's not your fault.

Just part of the gig.

Sometimes, you just gotta lay low. Then take advantage of her apology later for sexual favors. ;)

piper Wrote:
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> Sometimes, you just gotta lay low. Then take
> advantage of her apology later for sexual favors.
> ;)

Apology? No, sorry, that's not something I am aware of. Not in our relationship.

But as Helamonster is aware, sometimes you (i.e., me) have to apologise for stuff that is not your fault.

Out of curiosity, is your wife an exmo?

Well, in case it helps to hear it from a female, I'm sorry Matt. I hope she gets over it soon. :)

It sounds like your wife is a little immature. Sorry . . .I hope things improve for you both.

Only the last one tended to get violent. I'm pretty sure she's BPD, she lives in her own self-serving view of the world around her. As a result, I come across as an ass to people now because I'm so used to living on the defensive and calling bullshit the instant I smell it. I have to remind myself "not everyone is crazy like her" but it's hard.

I just don't want to ever have to put up with behavior like that ever again. When I was married we didn't treat each other like that, so I don't buy the argument that all women behave that way. They act like that because most men allow it. I would have totally bent over backwards to apologize for stuff that wasn't my fault at all before, but no sir not now. not any more.

Matt, it's clear to me that it was your damn parrot's fault!

Merovea Wrote:
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> Matt, it's clear to me that it was your damn
> parrot's fault!

It is, in an odd way.

The parrot was sold to us as a male, turned out to be a female (the breeder got the DNA certificate wrong) and so bonded with me, not her, as she had wanted.

That was, of course, my fault. As I "made" the parrot bond with me. Yeah, right...

I'm sure you NEVER do anything that is less than perfect, Matt. *eye roll* In my opinion, you usually give pretty good advice here and seem like a decent enough guy, but sometimes you come off as a jerk. Chances are, you have the same duality at home. Makes you pretty human.

Good luck in finding a way to resolve your problems face-to-face with your wife rather than belittling her behind her back.

CantLoginHere Wrote:
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> I'm sure you NEVER do anything that is less than
> perfect, Matt. *eye roll* In my opinion, you
> usually give pretty good advice here and seem like
> a decent enough guy, but sometimes you come off as
> a jerk. Chances are, you have the same duality at
> home. Makes you pretty human.
>
> Good luck in finding a way to resolve your
> problems face-to-face with your wife rather than
> belittling her behind her back.

I am not belittling my wife behind her back. I am looking for a little support from my exmo support group.

It's clear from what you say that you have little experience of real life.

A lot of posters here know that with some partners, "face-to-face" problem resolving is impracticable at best and risky at worst.

How do they know this? They have life experience.

That is true, as well. No one knows whether a certain person or people is easy or not so easy to reside with except for the person or people who reside in home w/person. You never completely know someone, as well until you do or have resided with him/her.

You probably called her an anti-semite, too.
I'll bet it IS all your fault!

and as most people dont own birds...... i dont.... but..... they can outlive us... so the bird bonding to the "wrong" person can be a big deal to a bird lover!

anyway Matt i have the perfect solution!!
drink a pint or two....or three.... :)
at least you knew it was coming!! its like a storm...ya gotta ride it out!!.....hey maybe thats what ya need to do.... ride it out!!! :) hehehe me soooo funny!

One good thing about fighting is the "making up" it's always or almost always fun to make-up. Hope everything works out, Matt.

deb Wrote:
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> One good thing about fighting is the "making up"
> it's always or almost always fun to make-up. Hope
> everything works out, Matt.

But being in the wrong all the time can be a bit corrosive, though. Oh, well...

She must have _some_ good qualities for you to keep taking those blows. 8P

ipo Wrote:
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> She must have _some_ good qualities for you to
> keep taking those blows. 8P

She has many good qualities.

That's why I stay.

I think it has a lot to do with her upbringing, so I tough it out.

Hey, over thirty years ago, I somehow got blamed for the fact that the State of Illinois put salt on the roads during icy weather.

As a captive audience in the car with my Husband driving, I had to sit through a lecture on how salt destroys cars, makes a mess on the windshield, and doesn't really do an effective job of melting the ice.

We laugh about it now. In fact, when any argument goes over the top, I tell Hubster to just "watch out" and remind him about how I tormented his life by putting salt on the roads in Illinois.

We celebrate our 37th anniversary this year.

~VOW

voweaver Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hey, over thirty years ago, I somehow got blamed
> for the fact that the State of Illinois put salt
> on the roads during icy weather.
>
> As a captive audience in the car with my Husband
> driving, I had to sit through a lecture on how
> salt destroys cars, makes a mess on the
> windshield, and doesn't really do an effective job
> of melting the ice.
>
> We laugh about it now. In fact, when any argument
> goes over the top, I tell Hubster to just "watch
> out" and remind him about how I tormented his life
> by putting salt on the roads in Illinois.
>
> We celebrate our 37th anniversary this year.
>
> ~VOW

That is good to know.

That sucks Matt. Keep your chin up.

Hopefully it's just a phase or something, sorry I can't help more then give you my moral support

Wait I'm an atheist I have have no morals, sorry that was another thread

Hang in there Matt

Sorry you're going through this with your loved one, Matt. Sucks. Um, none of my business, but have you ever read Patricia Evans' book, *The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond*? This book's been recommended by another poster here to someone else, and while it *is* geared toward abused women, the information can be applied to either gender, IMO. If I'm out of line here, I apologize. Just hate to see you hurting.

Sorcha Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Sorry you're going through this with your loved
> one, Matt. Sucks. Um, none of my business, but
> have you ever read Patricia Evans' book, *The
> Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it
> and how to respond*? This book's been recommended
> by another poster here to someone else, and while
> it *is* geared toward abused women, the
> information can be applied to either gender, IMO.
> If I'm out of line here, I apologize. Just hate
> to see you hurting.

thanks, I'll look it up.

You're very welcome.

often what a man observes in a spouses behavior is not the underlying problem. A few thoughts:
1) Make sure you are meeting her needs...especially her emotional needs. Are you taking her out often? Do you compliment her everyday? Are you showing ample and copious amounts of affection for her. Dude, I mean, most women need, desire, and want their man to be very affectionate. If your lacking here - you need to start. On a daily basis, you need to be rubbing her back, massaging her feet, caressing her, kissing her, putting your arm around her, treating her like a queen, standing when she comes in the room, opening the door for her, complimenting her. Make her feel like she is number one, and that you are there to make her life as wonderful and complete in every possible way. She must believe and know that you love her more than life itself - everyday. Dude, its the little things that count.

Sometimes when a woman acts in the way you've described, their emotional needs are not being met, and it comes out in other ways (i.e. frustration outbursts toward you that don't make sense). Chances are, if you filling her emotional bank/bucket (whatever you want to call it) everyday, she'll not be acting the way she is. Just guessing, because that's usually the case. Hang in there Matt. You're not alone dude.

2) If number one doesn't work, I think you should start communicating with her about her behavior. In a very gentle and loving way, look for quiet times to discuss her behavior. Begin by reiterating how much you love her, and how much you want to have the best relationship possible with her. Don't argue, but communicate your feelings in a constructive adult-like mature manner. Learn to negotiate and comprimise with her. Marriage really is about negotiation in many respects.

You might find your wife's picture.

Happens at my house all the time. Keep low and your mouth shut.

Ron

I had a husband that was good at those types of mind-numbing arguments. After one verbal altercation in which I wasn't good enough because *he* could not accomplish something, I walked up to him and said, "Knock this shit off, and get it done!"

That comment woke him up. Prior to that I walked on eggshells wondering if I was going to get beaten up. I never was. Eventually, the marriage failed.

Matt, I'm sorry you're stuck walking on eggshells. I know how that feels.

and I've done this many times with excellent results, the next time she snaps at you, go up to her, lovingly put your arms around her, look her in the eye, smile and say, "honey, are you okay? You seem down today? What can I do for you?" Kiss her, squeeze her, and rubb her back. Then make her dinner or do something nice for her. You need to be in complete tune with her emotional needs. Just try it.

Sorry Matt. Our first 20 years were full of pointless arguments, the second 20 years has been bliss. He finally sees my point. Thus, less argument. Really don't mean to belittle your concern, but I think most people get beyond the petty, insignificant as they age together. If you like her most of the time and love her all the time, keep working toward old age together with your best friend - it's a great place to be. But if friendship and true love and respect isn't there, I would not waste my time Life is very short. Good luck, Matt.

It's a tough situation. Matt, you can try to please her every whim, but it will be up to your observations to know if that will stop the abusive language. If not, she's just going to see your kind gestures as weakness and exploit that weakness.

It sounds like this is a recurring problem. You really do have to talk to her, tell her you feel like you are constantly worried about stepping on a land mine in your own home and you don't appreciate it.

Personally I wouldn't be trying to appease her until after she proved she could treat me like a human. You're not a punching bag. But that's just me, I'm sure I sound like a dick but I have a very low tolerance for that crap.

I didn't say something quite right. Led to a little yelling and swearing, which is infrequent around here. I let myself cool down and her, too, and talked it out. We never did get a proper assignment of blame, though, in my opinion :p. I just let it go as we don't do that often and everyone has a bad day. Sometimes bad days coincide.

I have a Zen koan for you, Matt: If a man has an opinion alone in the forest, is he still wrong?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2011 11:12AM by robertb.