I grew up a devout mormon. I always had a "problem" with masturbation... I never told anyone. I was forced to lie to my mom. She would find out and be "very disappointed" in me. I would sneak around to see porn. I never got a sex talk that mentioned a vagina. ("When two people love each other very much they get married and they use sex to make new babies") I wasn't allowed to see the sex ed movies in middle school. The sexual urges never stopped and I felt like I was a bad person. I eventually wanted to have sex when I was 17. I was living a double life as a mormon and a "normal person" and I was so curious. I had been dating a great girl for 2 years (non mormon) and I was in "love". She was great and I was really comfortable with her. This is when the problems began. First time we tried I had erection problems. I had no idea why. Couldn't get it up. Never had that problem before, ever. I was so confused. We eventually did have sex but the erection problems didn't go away.(I could somehow power through) They still haven't stopped and when I am with someone new I freak out, and often begin to shiver uncontrollably. I have now had 3 girlfriends and our relationships have been awesome, but the sex has always been somewhat of a hangup. Erection problems, premature ejaculation, and the huge mental stress that I was damned. There is incredible pressure on my end to perform and there is incredible pressure on the other end that if I do perform I will be going to hell. I am 23, and I am not a crazy person, I just want the ability to meet a girl and hop into bed and have a great time. I want the mental power to have a one night stan (regardless if I actually want to have one). If I went out now I would surely fail in the bedroom. My strict anti sex, anti masturbation, anti porn and all the other general mormon principles block me from really letting myself go because to be honest, it has been so ingrained in my head that all of this is wrong that I still somewhat believe it. I didn't move out until recently, but now have my own place. I am afraid to bring girls over for the embarrassment that I can't perform. And what is worse, I am at the point where when I was having sex with my girlfriends, half the time there was no connection because I was so blocked off mentally dealing with "eternal darkness" (Who teaches a 10 year old about eternal darkenss for masturbating before they ever tell the kid what masturbating is!) I feel horrible to this day about how confused I must have mad them with my on/off erections and uncontrollable shaking. Please help me get over this and realize that I was not living in the real world and please tell me how the real world even works as far as sex goes! Sorry for the length. I need help. I am climbing out of this mormon hole, but I am so deep in it, that the walls are slippery and the hole is deep.

You need reprogramming of your associations. There are excellent therapists who specialize in sexuality--don't despair! You are still young and full of hormones, so you have that going for you.

Don't wait because you will become depressed if you don't take action. I know you understand that this is not your fault. Thank goodness we live in a day where people take this seriously.

Sexual dysfunction is no different than the mental dysfunction we all deal with. We are here to support you in your desire to be normal. By the way, normal includes occasional dysfunction for all men, for many reasons. The most common is nervousness with a new woman or the return of memories of a previous lover.

Put it on the credit card if you have to, but get the help now.

Best

Anagrammy

PS. Speaking of feeling like sex is wrong, after Spencer Kimball announced that oral sex was wrong, an uproar resulted from the core of humanity who knew he was the one who was wrong. Nevertheless, it ruined our sex life because my husband knew the principle (oral sex=wrong) was correct because Kimball was a prophet, however he wasn't allowed to teach it because of the hardness of men's hearts. The guilt he felt wrecked his erections, so there you have it. We were already headed for divorce or I would have insisted on professional help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2011 01:07PM by anagrammy.

I agree with Anagrammy, and RobertB (below) also has some great advice.

I want you to know that premature ejaculation is not at all unusual in young men. And all men will have at least occasional problems with erection. A kind woman will see you through all of that and will work with you over the long term to resolve those issues.

Time helps as well. The older and more mature/experienced you get, the less important your Mormon-induced hangups will be to you. So hang in there. It will get better.

Anagrammy beat me to it: get yourself to a therapist.

I'm twice your age and dealing with the same issue (well, except that I don't have any interest whatsoever in vaginas, vulvas or any other ladybits) and although I am perpetually stressed about this, everything seems (slowly) headed in the right direction now that I have finally someone who knows her stuff on the payroll helping me dismantle all the BS that has crept into the way I view the world.

BTW, the shaking thing can happen with extreme arousal. I've had that too.

You are dealing with a problem for which there is a good rate of success. You may also get success from some self-help. You might take a look at something called Sensate Focus. It is a method of dealing with sexual anxiety that consists of starting with nonsexual touching and gradually moving to sex while dealing with anxiety and thoughts that arise along the way. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which you can learn and do for yourself, also has been shown to be helpful for sexual problems. The San Francisco Sex Information hotline and website is another good resource.(I once dated a woman who worked for them. Conversations with her were wonderful.) Part of being comfortable about sex is becoming more educated about it--letting yourself explore your sexuality, something that doesn't happen in Mormonism.

http://test.sfsi.org/

P.S. A sex therapist is not the same as a sex addiction therapist. So look for someone trained as a *sex therapist* if you go that route. Interview him or her and see if they work in a direction that will help you.

Good luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2011 02:04PM by robertb.

Get thee to a therapist!
Okay, yeah everyone else has already said that, I know.
But, this is one area that is supposed to be fun, joyful, etc. It's so not worth it to be torqued up about sex.
Just sayin'.

sex and mastubation the buddhist way, higher level release
even tantra, no fear, no shame, no guilt.

Its a secret to discover it but ego will want to go right back to the lower levels that the bible discriminates against.

we all have to die oneday, and leave our pricks as corspes in the ground. Get used of either enjoying it, use it or loose it but use it the right way.

any non lustful sex cant be all that bad, as intimacy is
beautifal in or out of marrige, preferbly in marrige but
for some married for relegious sake, deprived themselfs of
compatibility sexually, tho its all meant to be as only
god knows the reasons why we would then suffer for relegious sake to either end up ex mormon or return and carry our cross to the mormon grave and save our marriges..

IF single, less accountability tho mormonism pressures us to have to married for heaven....

Its bound to have consequences.

Buddhist detachment is better than expensive therapy from
money making psychologists, that may help but its all about not feeding the ego. Whats left is pure sex with or without relegion, it should not be shunned but the very life force itself that is god not suppressed...

relegion makes us feel dirty and feeds it more.
there is no room in relegion if we are not a saint to begin with..

yet parents force us into it, not mine but either way
half the guilt is self-inflicted and unecessary.

love is love and if it leads to pure sex then so be it.
all other sex we can try and if it leads us to desire pure
sex then we are free from self made hellish states and made clean be it we do it or christ cleans us.

but yes christians catch the fish first and christ cleans them
mormons clean the fish first and the devil catches them

someone pass the tatar sauce he he...

be ye clean, only touch thy self after washing hands first and wash again afterward he he..

larry.

I think you need a therapist to help you learn to separate sex from morality. This took me 20 years to figure out and I'm going to tell you about it for free!

Sex ≠ morality.

Morality is about whether you are a good person or a bad person. Are you fair, kind, helpful, compassionate, empathetic? Or are you cruel, heartless, insensitive, and selfish?

Who you have sex with, how you have sex, when, where, why--none of those things have anything to do whatsoever with your morality. Having sex, or not, does not make you a good person or a bad person. How you treat other people is what defines your morality. Do you steal, lie, cheat? No? Then you're probably a moral person. Do you steal, lie, and cheat to get sex? THAT's the immoral part; actually having sex (unless it isn't mutually consentual) isn't the immoral part.

It's one thing to read this and it's a whole other kettle of fish to internalize it so your fears and worries (guilt, shame, etc.) don't manifest themselves in your sex life. A professional sex therapist can help you do that.

In the meantime, before you have sex with anyone, and NOT while you are making out or anything like that (in other words, fully clothed with both feet on the floor) you should have a conversation with your next future potential lover and explain this. First, I think talking about it with the person you want to be intimate with will take a lot of pressure off you. Second, I think most people will have compassion and understand and, assuming they like you for you, will work with you and help you. That will take a lot more pressure off.

If you hide this issue and try to keep it all stuffed down inside, your lovers will blame themselves thinking they weren't hot enough for you or that you don't like them. But if you tell them up front, "Sometimes I have these problems and it stems from religious abuse I suffered. I'm getting help for it and I like you a lot and want to be intimate with you, but you should be aware that sometimes, there is a problem but that problem IS NOT YOU. And here's what my therapist says you can do to help, or And if you'd like, I'd like you to come to therapy with me."

I would bet that the vast majority of women who want to date you because they genuinely like you will be compassionate and will want to help you. I would. I would want to know how best to take the pressure of expectation off you so you can enjoy yourself.

P.S. Please do not try to "power through" with a half flaccid penis. There is nothing less satisfying from a woman's point of view. It's just sad.

If you can't get it up, try this: be open and honest and go do something else for a while. "I'm sorry, I just can't get it up right now. It's not you; I really WANT to do this. Let me do XYZ to you instead. or Let's go play Scrabble or something for a bit."

If you can't get it up, then focus on pleasuring the woman you're with. See if you can get her off 5 or 6 times. Just don't worry about you, yourself, and your penis. Focus on what you can do for her with your hands and mouth. You may not have penetrative P-i-V sex all the time. Maybe you'll get really good at oral or handjobs or something. Maybe you'll get all skilled with a vibrator. Order one from Adam and Eve dot com. If your little guy fails you, then whip out the vibe, make her happy, and don't worry about yourself.

This one is easy. Just have more. Do it all the time and soon those feelings will disappear. Sex can be amazing and it gets better when you drop those old feelings that have been programmed into your brain.

phoneboy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> the walls are
> slippery and the hole is deep.

Please stop the double entendres!

;-)

Masturbate until you are a convert. It's like getting baptised.

Ron

Therapy is certainly not a bad idea, and anxiety can often cause problems with achieving an erection. I want to propose a couple of new ideas:

Talk to the girl, tell her that sometimes the anxiety and pressure makes it hard for you to gain the erection. If she cares for you, and is willing to work with you, and not make you feel like you have to perform, or tell you it's okay when it doesn't happen, then that might help reduce the anxiety enough for you to have sex successfully.

Secondly, sometimes pornography can be part of the problem. It's very strong stimulation, and if you get used to it, it can be hard to achieve erection without it. I'm not saying that out of religious conviction (I'm atheist), but I think there's real evidence for it (see yourbrainonporn.com).

Getting over the natural guilt-response instilled in us by Mormonism is tough. For me, it's gotten less over time, but it's still there. That's the worst part of Mormonism, imho, and if you figure out how to make it go away completely, let me know.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 06:07PM by bubbleboy.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm 28 and went through the same thing except I was so scared of having sex that I waited until I was 23. What's finally done it for me was mentally figuring out in my head WHY I felt guilty and then logically getting myself to a point where I didn't. As others have mentioned, a therapist would help, but you sound like an intelligent guy and you can probably make some initial steps right now. The reason I'm okay w/ it now is because I don't believe in the mormon church! As a missionary (yep - did that) we would logically move people from IF the B.O.M. is true THEN this is true and that is true and it's a sin to do _____ and . . .
Well, the inverse is true as well! I realized that if _______(whatever it is that you don't believe) isn't true then all that CRAP about masturbation and sex being wrong - totally not true either! God or Allah or Karma or whatever is not going to punish you for having sex (BTW - 2 Nephi says "men are that they might have joy"!) You'll be punished for walking down the street and pushing down an old lady! :-)
On a side note, one night stands and having sex w/ strangers is cool and all, but it doesn't bring lasting happiness. I would guess that making love w/ a committed partner/girlfriend/wife would help with your problem! Anxiety goes away, and your feelings of love towards that person eliminate any guilt.
The moral of my story - ENJOY LIFE!

You really do sound like an intelligent person so logically think about it when it comes to masturbation... how can you touching yourself to feel good be bad? That doesn't make any sense at ALL! In fact, its a blessing that we don't always have to have someone else to make us get that final feeling we are going after.
Therefore, realize that no matter the motives of having sex with someone, understand that as long as its consensual between you and your partner... it's all good! :) If you believe in God, its not hard to understand that all He (or the universe) wants is us to be happy! Period, end of story! If it makes us happy and isn't hurting any one...? Yah, ponder that. We are all here for you. Also, realize it might be medical and not necessarily a curse for "not following JS and his stupid made up rules to 'please' God."

I'm not going to echo the therapist idea cause you've already got that advice.

I'd work on just getting comfortable with your own body. Sleep naked. Look at yourself naked. (Both of these were a big deal for me.) Touch yourself - but in a non-sexual way at first. Rub your own feet, self-massage, etc. I think just getting comfortable with your own body is important. I also think that many mormons have touch hunger - since there's such an emphasis on not looking/not touching. Don't just focus on masturbation.

The other thing - you don't have to have an erection to make a woman totally happy in bed. Broaden your horizons a bit on what you consider sex. Sex can be had without ever involving intercourse. Go get a good book on sex from a woman's point of view. Also, ask whoever you're with what SHE likes, what her fantasies are, etc. (if she's comfortable with that.) And don't rush through it.

I had some of the same issues with my first boyfriend after I left the church but he really helped me through it even though he didn't really get it. And, oh yeah, I have all the girl bits.

Js and BY and all those guys had many many wives so you know they were gettin it off every night. Damn Mormon hypocrites.

I'm just sayin consentual sex is not a sin at all. Let yourself enjoy it.

Go find an exmo girl to fool around with!
She'll be patient and extremely understanding of your situation:)

Two very good idea in this thread have been A. getting in touch/comfortable with your own body and B. Finding out what the girl likes. I don't know if your shy or not, but if you think you'd have a problem asking the girl that, there is a game you can play that mixes these two up.. and its fun :P

The rules are simple, and easy to convey " Where I touch you, you touch me" and one of you goes first and touches the other where they would like to be touched. Then the other can add to that where they like to be touched and touch their partner accordingly. You get to understand your own body as well as your partners.

You took the first step by talking about it. I had a similar problem when I left the church, though I was lucky in that I eventually met a nice young woman who understood what I was going through, and really really wanted to help. She took me under her wing as it were, and made it a point to let me walk through a bunch of things, and try a bunch of things until I learned what I like.

One major problem is that you are probably having sex with people who long ago learned how to have sex and what they like about it. You have to learn those things for yourself. Sex therapy is not a bad idea, but if you can't afford it, you can probably find a lot of the stuff a therapist will tell you online, or in books. Just be careful to make sure the person on the other end knows what they are talking about, and isn't just some Moral Crusading Bishop or something who will feel your head full of bad advice.

I just thought of another possibility. You could be having problems because you never learned how to masturbate properly. If you have been doing so without some kind of gel or other lubricate, then it is possible that your body is used to needing more friction to achieve orgasm, then your GF is going to provide.

If that is the case, simply start masturbating with some petroleum jelly, or maybe even go out and get a masturbation aid. (Stay away from inflatable girls though, not only are those just creepy, but they are not really practical for sex)

This is an extremely common cause of sexual dysfunction, but it is an easy fix, though it take a while to retrain your body. On the plus side, it's a great excuse to watch porn.

Of course, I am not a doctor, and your problem could be something else, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I'm going to make a guess that worrying that sex is bad is less than half your problem at this point.

I'm guessing performance anxiety is your bigger problem.

The idea to get a therapist is a good one.

Some other ideas:
Next time you are in a relationship make sure you have a frank discussion about this with your girlfriend outside of the bedroom.

Get really skilled and comfortable that you are amazing in bed in other areas. Find someone who is willing to give you very direct feedback on what they like and don't like.

See if you can get a prescription for some viagra or other such drug.

Remind yourself the sex is completely natural. It's the core of how life continues. There is nothing wrong with enjoying it!

All sex IS bad.

Just be bad! Be bad! Oh yeah...