I just have a few questions for everybody. A little background: my husband and I have been married for about 4 years now and we have a toddler. My husband told me this past Thanksgiving that he was leaving the Church and is essentially atheistic in his world view. Understandably so, I was completely devastated. I grieved for the future that I had always wanted, but now will never have. At first I told no one, just hoping it was a cruel joke. I even considered leaving as well, but didn’t. We slowly started telling family (once they suspected something was up). Now lots of people know and it is awkward because I still go to church, but I am completely alone and we are a house divided on this issue. Of course everybody wants to help me “stay strong” and admittedly I need all the help I can get. My husband is frustrated that the only people I talk to are members (pretty much everybody I know is a member!). So that’s why I’m here. I want to get some feedback from a variety of people outside my normal social sphere.

Here are my questions:

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

How did friends and family respond?

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

I desperately want to understand my husband. I love him so very very much, but this is hard. I know it isn’t always super fun to talk about, but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!

I'll answer a few for you. It was a gradual realization for me to start questioning but once I took a step back and really looked, it was quite obvious. I would go back if my questions were resolved but admittedly that probably has more to do with being raised in the Mormon church than anything else.

It's hard to see my friends and family be so torn over my decision but I am very content with my decision and feel all the better. I'd assume your husband feels the same.

I have posted recently on most of the questions you asked. Do a SEARCH on SusieQ#1 for other posts if interested

-- I have posted today on my "story" -- aka epiphany,
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,423015

Also: How I make it work living with a believer, http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,422546,423033#msg-423033

This is our resident expert on making a mixed marriage work.

You must have a few prerequisites for making the recipe for success, call them ingredients in your cupboard.

You must have deep love for your spouse.

You must have patience.

You must be willing to compromise.

You must be willing to move toward tolerance/respect for those with differing beliefs.

It is very hard for a true believer to continue to have respect for a spouse who no longer believes. Viewing the apostate as evil or a person who has "lost" the battle for an eternal family is the black and white view you have been taught.

It might not be God's view. God might not be willing to discard all of humanity but this tiny little sliver of people called Mormons. He might care more about who loves their neighbor than he does about what denomination they belong to.

This runs contrary to some traditional Mormon views, yet it is common sense. You seem to be a pragmatic woman who actually considered various approaches to handling the tremendous shock this must have been. Believe me, it was a terrible shock for us to realize that what we had believed all our lives was actually not accurate, that we couldn't trust the church. I remember being nauseated and actually starting to go into physical shock!

SO....kudos to you for pulling yourself together and venturing into the dark and dreary apostate world to get information. I encourage you to continue to post here to get the diverse answers you seek. Under the cloak of anonymity, you can be as specific as you want PLUS you can email those of us who publicize our emails for private conversations.

It can happen. People do work it out and save their families but it is very, very difficult. I send you love and light in your efforts.

Peace

Anagrammy

DH and I are just starting to learn more about the church as well. We haven't told family & friends yet so I can't offer any advise there.

I would suggest looking at mormonthink.com, if you haven't already. It has been an extremely helpful website for us to read. The information is very fair & balanced. Also, written by members of the church.

I would also suggest looking at mormonstories.org. He recently interviewed Jon & Brooke Mclay that I found very helpful. and I really enjoyed his podcast about the Book of Mormon with Dr. Coe.

Just so you know none of these suggestions are from anti-Mormon sources. They are trustworthy and accurate.

Also, I wouldn't let this come between you and your husband. Listen to him and hear his point of view. I have had a lot of people try to tell me things about the Mormon church over the years but I wouldn't listen, I assumed they were lying to me, but it turns out they weren't.

Good luck!

I forgot. I also loved this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a989OOSOycw&feature=related

re beliefs- it can't be resolved
see facts are things just facts. facts are not 'resolved' they just are. so.

you can decide what to do about it- a new knowledge of facts- whether to act, to react, to forget about the fact, to gloss over hide or excuse a given fact- but a fact is just that, a fact.

so, re facts- facts cannot be resolved. they are not things to be solved. one's response to facts and finding solutions to situations, that can be chosen and resolved. but facts, and knowing facts, and data, are not something that can be adjusted- they are just data, or data based facts, or facts about things or persons or history or documents, or evidence. They're not a resolution item- without erasing the evidence or document- its just a fact. a file. a data byte, a fact. that's all.
Your opinion or stand, or statement, may use a fact or data file as evidence or example to back it up.
But the fact, it just is. What you do with it-

that's up to you.

re problems with the church history- it can't be resolved

re real facts about church history & doctrine changes- it can't be resolved

that's because its real.

if the person was not an idealist, was not a truth seeker, was not deeply filled with integrity, then,
they would not have made a statement or life changes in any way because to them, the facts wouldn't matter.

possibly some people love the life of 3 hour blocks, exactly what to do and when where to go, looking to another for instructions but some, some alpha males or tremendously intellectual or talented folks- really want to make something more out of life. And they aren't stiff necked they are looking at real facts and they aren't painting it like Disney land pretty castles quick paint over it quick make it pretty enough to taste good= add some sprinkles, no chocolate sprinkles- right there- every time there is another horrible horrible fact or flaw or lie in the story line. So you may be living with a person with tremendous, tremendous integrity- which every one around him in questioning with great audacity- because they want the lies- the castle with sprinkles and Fairy tale skies back- right now- hurry up come on! But he, look at him- he has the integrity- to really read, and really mean he is looking logically now, at facts.

re people around you & how they take it- those who aren't LDS don't care, they never did, they don't care about this at all, and they don't care if you know how to drink coffee or not or what reason you give, they don't care but they do think that drinking soda in the morning is stupid because they know its not good for you

re how mormon community takes it- read stories in the bio board and use the search feature on the site

re how it affects life- again, read stories on the site. Some have shared values and lots of things in common without praying on their knees. Others continue prayer but without certain pictures on the wall (things they disagree with doctrinally or annoys them too much now.) Others feel betrayed by everything and everyone they know, and they feel betrayed by their life they were instructed to do so they need to redo their career or their life, particularly in they do not feel very loved as a person rather than as a X calling priesthood holder/wife & mother like some paper doll rather than a person, with hobbies and, dreams, and hopes about life. Like maybe wanting to sky dive or suba dive or rent a jet ski possibly while they're alive and still healthy enough to operate it without loosing their balance.
or maybe not. maybe they're a desk jockey a tech fixer, a computer user. Whatever. And maybe they are looking for a very very sedate life. Just one not filled with lies.

You said you've been married 4 years. Its good you've been given the opportunity to talk and work this out. Greatest grief for those with seventeen year marraiges or twenty six year marriages with so many many children and so many many years of time together- it isn't something they're hardly able to talk about- every one takes it so personal-
but maybe since you've been married four years, not seventeen years, maybe you guys are still flexible, flexible enough to find a way to hear one another honestly and not fake a reality for each other.

Best to you

1. When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
event that led you to question?

With me it was gradual. I had questions which the church couldn't answer. As the questions built, so did the unanswered questions. I reached the most critical point in my life (suicidal) and the church had no answers.

2. How did friends and family respond?

Almost entirely the response has been positive. My father is a sealer in the Nauvoo temple, stake patriarch. His response was that if I didn't believe I should resign my membership. The harder response was when I came out as gay. Dad took it ok, Mom had a harder time. But I think that was more because she grew up in rural Utah during the depression than anything to do with mormonism. But once they realized I'm the same person I always was, only I'm gay and don't believe in mormonism, everyone has been ok.

3. Would you return to the Church if your questions
were resolved?

Absolutely not. My questions were so far beyond mormonism. I feel I'm living the life god wants me to. My relationship with god doesn't have anything to do with mormonism or any other religion. God is far above the petty disagreements of religions.

4. How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
etc) changed?

I am happier than I ever believed possible. God (if such a thing exists) is far above any religious creed.

5. Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

Absolutely not. I believe that religions are good because they teach us how to be spiritual people. But there is no religion that has the answers for everyyone's spirituality. Religion teaches us how to be spiritual, and once mastered, we can go on and find the answers that are most meaningful to us.

6. How has your life changed? What are some good
things? Bad things?

My life is so much better since I left Mormonism behind. I realized there is nothing wrong with me being gay. I've found my life partner, and we've been together 7+ years now. I never dreamed I could be as happy as I am now. Life is not perfect, but I'm happier than I ever dreamed possible. To be honest, I can't think of anything that mormonism could offer that would make things any happier than the life I have with my boyfriend.

It was a gradual realization. It took me years but I can be slow like that.

My mother accused me of "taking the easy way out." My wife won't talk about it. Part of that is my fault. I reacted poorly to her poor reactions. My children 14 and 12 are completely okay with it. The 14 year old agrees that it doesn't make any sense and is only going through the motions for her mother.

I don't have questions that can be resolved.

I feel much more in tune with my moral self. I look at issues and consider how they benefit or harm when formulating opinions. I don't adhere to a set of predefined standards. I think my approach is much healthier. You exercise your moral thinking muscles more often and consider issues in greater depth.

Yes, it does bother me some when believers aren't willing to examine issues. Many assertions given in testimonies and Sunday lessons are thought stoppers.

Personally, I have a greater sense of integrity, morality, and purpose. The inability to talk about these issues with my wife may destroy our marriage. It has already been very damaging.

Gradual, then an event that pushed me to really look at it once and for all.

My questions were resolved. They were resolved through prayer and some honest studying. I could no longer study only what the church told me to. I found that they weren't telling me the truth about who they really are. I'm almost 60. It's a shock to learn that you have spent most of your life trying to live up to a church that has been lying and deceiving. I so badly wanted it to be true. The truth was, it isn't. It really rocked my world. I was sad, angry, resentful. I felt so bad I had raised my kids in the church. Myself, My husband of 20 years and my children left the church in November 2011.

It's very difficult for me to see my stepson and others in my family continue to be so dedicated to what I know is deception. In fact, it's heart breaking. It is so hard for me to watch them waste another minute, another dollar, to a church that is using them for their own devices. It's bad enough that I wasted my life, I don't want to see them doing the same.

I don't feel like I am saying enough. I don't feel like I am doing a good job at articulating why we left.

I have to say our life has turned for the better. OUr conversations are more personal, more meaningful. We are so much more open with each other. The element of judgement is gone. We feel like we can talk about anything.

Before, the church was smack in the middle of every single relationship I had. They had no business being there. Especially with my husband. They had no right interfering in our relationship. No right to be telling us how to run our family or our sex life. The church did so much damage.

When I found out they had been lying and deceiving me all of my life, and for 5 generations of my family, I was furious. I felt so sad, angry, and like i've wasted my entire life trying to live up to the impossible. Now, I have to use what I have left to be happy. To really live. It takes time, exploration, and love to get through it all.

You owe it to yourself to do research. Read the exit stories. Read Mormon Think. There is a whole list of books that have been written by reputable researchers and historians. At the very least you owe it to yourself to read and study what they have to say.

If you still want to be a member after you do the above, then go to your husband with your thoughts and concerns. If you do this together, you may be surprised at how close it will bring you. I hope you can work this out to the advantage of your relationship and your little one.

I have been through divorce. Not for religious reasons. The reason I even mention it, is because I don't want you to have to go through that. It was one of the most difficult events of my life. The church is not worth sacrificing the people you love.

ihavequestions Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?

I was actually a member of the Primary presidency and I was googling "Mormon Mother's Day Quotes". I accidentally ended up on another site, similar to RfM, which was nice enough to state at the top of the page that it was a site to help exmormons, not a church approved site. But the quote was funny so I thought I'd look around the site a bit. I started reading about the First Vision and how historical sources like newspapers, church records, journals proved conclusively there were no revivals around Palmyra in 1820. As journalist and a huge history buff (I was working on my master's in history when I quit to go on a mission) I just knew based on historical fact that the church was lying to me about the first vision account, which talks in part about Joseph Smith being inspired by the religious revivals in the neighborhood. I was shocked but then I went into my research mode and spent the next 6 months obsessed with finding out what the truth was.

>
> How did friends and family respond?

My mom started lecturing me on the repentance process. She honestly thought that I, her Molly Mormon, RM, BYU grad daughter, had committed some heinous sin because I was questioning the church. It took a LONG time for her to earn back my trust. My sister told me she loved me no matter what but since she'd always leaned on my testimony, she was really shaken. Those are my only two LDS family members - my inlaws don't realize we are inactive because they live about half an hour away and we don't talk about stuff much. Ninety-five percent of my Mormon friends dumped me. Four of them acted like there was no difference and we were just as good of friends as ever. One who really should have asked why I suddenly quit going to church, apparently didn't care enough to - I like her but don't really trust her like I used to. Everyone else is all fake-nice and I can see right through them. I know they are lying and saying I left because I was offended but not one of them bothered to ask me if it were true.

My non-LDS friends were all so happy for me. Some became more relaxed around me and we became closer. Others let me talk about it until I felt better (unlike my Mormon friends who wouldn't talk to me about it at all). Everyone said they didn't really respect or admire Mormons and were glad I figured it out and got free. I realize I was really lucky to have non-LDS friends who stood by me when my Mormon friends didn't.
>
> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?

I don't see how they could resolve my questions and I don't see the Mormon way of life as beneficial or respectable any more. If God appeared at my bedside and told me I was wrong and to get myself back to church, I would but I wouldn't hang out with most of the Mormons I know because of how I saw them behave when I had questions. I've realized how little the Savior means to most of them - Mormonism is a snooty social club to the people in my ward and I just don't want to lower my standards to hang out with people like that. I do realize that I may be in an unusually bad ward and that I may find better Christians in other wards.
>
> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?

Yes, it's more important for me to be a honest, moral person with integrity now than it was when I was Mormon because the morals are MINE now and not inflicted upon me by someone else. I still believe in God and that there is life after death, but not in the three degrees of glory or anything.
>
> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?

Not if they are happy - it only bothers me when I see people who are overworked and overstressed and unhappy and can't figure out why and won't consider the fact they need to assess their spiritual beliefs.

>
> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?

I'm closer to God because I've had to lean on him. I feel honesty is much more important because I was willing to give up so much to take a stand for an honest life. I don't fight with my husband nearly as much now that I'm not trying to make him into a Peter Priesthood but appreciate him for who he is. Our family in general is happier. We have more time together as a family. And, believe it or not, I'm actually glad to have gotten rid of my false Mormon friends. I value my real friends (including the Mormon ones) who stood by me. I value loyalty. I love to see my kids thinking for themselves. They are really thinking now about how they can make a difference in the world instead of being so busy in the Mormon teen scene they don't have time to think of others.

The bad thing is I know people are lying about me and saying I'm ruining my family because someone hurt my feelings. It bugs me that people think I'm that shallow. It bugs me that I'm being lied about and judged for something I didn't do. I took a stand for something I believe is right and not one person gave me the benefit of doubt or even believed in me enough to ask. That still makes me angry sometimes but less as time goes on.
>

I know I sort of went on and on but I wanted to be totally honest in answering your questions. I hope it helps and I didn't bore you to death :) I will say the ONLY people who I would happily attend a church activity for are the four Mormon friends who acted like nothing changed - acted like they still loved me for me no matter what religion I was, no matter whether I went to church or not. They didn't act like they thought I was bad or offended or a service project or worse, slather on that fake, smiley friendshipping that a blind woman could see through. They honestly liked me and when two of them had sons go on missions, I was there in sacrament meeting to listen. Because they were my real friends when I needed them and that's what friends do.

I will take a shot at answering from my point of view.

I would say that leaving the church was a gradual process, but once I allowed myself to look at the church objectively, it started unraveling pretty quickly. If you take a step back and really look at the church with a critical eye, I think you will see they don't have all the answers and that there is a lot wrong with the church. It is a terrifying feeling at first when your whole concept of religion and the nature of God gets blown out of the water. It took me 5-6 years to really detach myself from church.

How did friends and family respond?- Never really had many friends, and those I have told haven't seemed to care. My immediate family has taken it well, but my aunts, uncles and grandmother do not know. My In-laws did not take it well and are very concerned for our eternal salvation. I think the hardest part is disappointing those in your family who are still in the church. I could have played the part for a while and still participated in blessings and confirmations and such, but I felt like a hypocrite.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?-Never, for me the issues with the church run much deeper than the strange doctrines and history. The whole organization for me is the problem.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?- I feel like I am a better person now than I ever was as a Mormon. I am no longer afraid of death, if there is no God and no afterlife then I won't exist to care. If there is a God and an afterlife, I will take my chances since I know what kind of person I am, if he is a loving God, I don't think he would condemn me to everlasting hell, and if he does I don't want to live with him anyway.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?-I have made it a point not to try and destroy their belief, if they ask I will share, but I don't make it my mission to de-convert my family. I tell them that if they want to know something they should research it, but they should consider sources outside of what is found in Deseret Book and LDS.org. I really feel as if some people need religion and the LDS church to even function normally. If it works for them and that is what they need to be happy, then who am I to destroy that. There are times I long for the naivety of my former Mormon self, it was nice to think you know everything :-P

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?-Honestly I am very happy where I am at now. My kids are all well adjusted, well behaved ,loving, and good kids. I spend a lot of time with my family instead of meetings at church. Yesterday I had a very Active Mormon neighbor ask me why we seem so happy and what my secret is for raising a happy family. I wanted to tell him to leave the church, but didn't think that would go over to well. I kind of felt sorry for him, I think he is trying to do all the things the church tells him to do and it is not working for him. He probably sees us and wonders how we can manage without the church. I have noticed that several people are astounded that we can be happy and prosperous outside the church. It is like they expect our family to fall apart and all of us be miserable. I am much more tolerant of others and far less judgmental than I used to be.

I can only speak on this from the nevermo side of things. I think your husband has every right to share his beliefs with you and you should respect his wishes. He hasn't prevented you from attending has he? Would he prefer that if you attended a church it just wasn't the LDS church. Have you given that some thought. Maybe he would actually go to that church at times to support you but refuses to go to the Mormon church. Do you listen to him and his reasons for leaving? Has he got you to think over some things that you most likely never knew about the LDS church? You should honor him for not faking it. Seriously, you wouldn't want that would you?

No ones morals should go downhill once they leave a certain religion. Why would they? The person you met and fell in love with hasn't changed...only his religious beliefs. I do understand this can cause problems with the child you have....but why don't you come to an agreement the child will not be baptised due to hubby's unbelief, but he can attend half time with you. That is fair.

This is not about your friends, or your immediate family. This is about your husband, child and YOU....don't let others interfere. YOU can work this out. If friends shun you due to your hubby's new decision to not attend, then they are not your true friends. And if they try to help get him active again, your job is to tell them to get lost. He is grown man and does not need harrassment. Hope it works out and you put your hubby first - not the LDS church.

You can have a BETTER future.

I would caution you to get everyone else out of your marriage and allow your husband to be himself.
If at all possible, work things out between the two of you.

Don't be foolish enough to ruin your marriage over the Mormon church. if you do, you will live to regret it.

I'm not exactly one to answer a lot of questions; I came here raised by Jack Mormon parents, never having "bought" into the church, and the people here were essentially my friends I drifted away from after high school (all my LDS friends went on missions, leaving me essentially "abandoned").

What I would suggest is a commitment to a long period (a year or more) of "not going to leave the marriage," even if it amounts only to a "mutual coexistence pact."

Unfortunately, your first question, although well-intentioned, amounts to a "double bind" (i.e. a rock and a hard place). You'll find that the questions raised here won't go away for those of us who've researched the matter. I know at least three PhD's, many with Master's in various subjects, and they've all reached the conclusion that the "script doesn't play" where the LDS Church is true (I did most of a Master's myself, and despite my day job, there aren't many who will "tangle" with me on a number of issues).

I would go slow on this; nearly everyone here has been in your situation, and unfortunately, divorces are common. As one of our board regulars here said to me last fall, "The problem is in the church we marry a role, not a person."

I can't hope to match such eloquence. I'll let others have their say...

First of all, I have sympathy for the difficulty of your situation. I think the fact that you are trying to understand your husband is a really good thing. He's trying to live an honest life, and that shows a lot of character, but I know it changes everything.

My answers:

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

It was a sudden realization that I had been trying my whole life to gain a testimony and the guidance of the spirit, but had never gotten that. At 34 years of age, I finally realized that something was wrong with that, and maybe it was time to start asking some questions. And there HAD been a few things happen in the year before I started questioning that made me question some assumptions I had my whole life about God's protection and blessings.


How did friends and family respond?

Mixed response. Better than I expected. Mostly family avoided the subject. Some became more distant. I found out who my real friends were, and who really respected me. We live in Utah Valley. And we don't fit in. It's kind of awkward.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

At first, that was my sincerest wish. I was looking for those answers for months. But now? No way. Because there is NO WAY all the issues could be resolved, and even if they were, the LDS culture of control is unhealthy. Leaving it was the best thing I ever could have done to get more emotionally healthy.

And the more I studied (stuff from Deseret Book and LDS apologists), the MORE problems I found. We're talking about shady church history, dna and archeaological evidence about the Book of Mormon, and REAL egyptology vs. the Book of Abraham. There are dozens and dozens of HUGE problems with claims the church has made. And nobody within the church had good answers. Because there aren't any reasonable answers. The church is just plain false, and a patchwork of poorly improvised stories. (sorry if that was too blunt).

After I got away from the church, I finally realized the excessive control and manipulation that goes on within the church. And that's a much bigger issue to me now than a few wacky beliefs.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

Worldview: The only thing that matters is the kind of person you are. I don't care what people SAY they believe, the only thing that matters is what you DO. Make this life count and stop worrying about things you know nothing about. Nobody REALLY knows what happens after death, so I don't waste my life worrying about it. If it was important for me to know God, He wouldn't be invisible and silent my whole life.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

Only when it hurts people. We all have false beliefs, and as long as they aren't hurting anyone, it's not a big deal. So if they want to believe in God, or Joseph Smith, that's fine. But when they allow themselves to be taken advantage of: accepting callings when they are already stressed out and overworked because they think they can't say NO, or paying tithing when they are in dire financial straits, or letting the bishop rake them over the coals when they go in for help), THAT bothers me. Because they are going through that for something that isn't even real.

I also get irritated when people judge my kids because they aren't LDS. My kids follow Mormon moral "standards" better than most of the Mormon kids, and they do it because it's smart and healthy, not because someone's telling them they will be "bad" if they do it.

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?
More free time, less stress, less perfectionism, more money. I can read anything, think anything, discuss anything I want to. I can say NO. I can determine the purpose of my own life. I can make my own choices based on my own goals and preferences instead of what someone tells me I SHOULD do.

Bad things: I'm not part of the community anymore. There are some walls within my family. I can't relate to some of my old friends anymore.


I desperately want to understand my husband. I love him so very very much, but this is hard. I know it isn’t always super fun to talk about, but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!

Talk to him. I know how hard this must be for you. Please be willing to listen to what he has to say about the church. The truth can withstand scrutiny. If it's true, research and study will bear that out. If it's not true, wouldn't you want to know? Don't be afraid of information.

As a mormon-turned-atheist I hope I can answer your questions from a similar perspective as your husband (obviously different people and all that, but I mean belief-wise).


ihavequestions Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Here are my questions:
>
> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?

For me it was definitely the latter. I had never really felt the spirit and by the time I was 14 I felt like I should have felt an undeniable feeling of the spirit. I'd felt "things" but I wasn't quite sure what they were, so I started looking into what I was doing and the church. I started by reading church-approved materials and church-approved websites. Somehow, the answers didn't really add up. There would be minor discrepancies here and there, holes in stories, lack of historical data, things like that. It was then that I decided to turn to history books. I figured a historian's job was to get history right, and that therefore the church should be proven right in history if it was right.

Turns out, like a few others said above, there were more discrepancies. The first vision having different variations depending on whose journal you looked at (even a few in Joseph's own journal), there were problems with the history of the native americans, there was a problem with how much the "golden plates" would weigh (about 150+ pounds, conservative estimate) and how someone would be able to run with that. Among other things. I'm not here to destroy your faith so I'll leave it at the question which was what lead me to leave... those are the reasons.

>
> How did friends and family respond?
>

Most of my family doesn't know, but the parts that do know also left the church. Most of my friends, mormon and non-mormon alike responded pretty well. I can't say we're still the best of friends, but we certainly aren't all as close as we were. Some of them are still my best friends though, while others fell away from me a bit. That's life though. You learn who your real friends are through thick and thin.

> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?
>

Probably not. After all the times the bishop told me that my parents and I were going to hell, after the things that were said, I just don't like the atmosphere (not to mention how sexist it can be! [towards women]). Now, I admit that those are more local issues, but it does put a bad taste in my mouth. If those were resolved as well though, along with the above questions, I'd be hesitant but I might.

The main problem is now, after I "learned" that the church was false, how can I believe in anything society says unless I see it for myself? Sure, there's faith... but faith only lead me to where I was in the mormon church.

> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?

My morals are mine and mine alone, and they mean more to me because of that. As does life. Since I don't know if I'll get anything after this life I feel like I should make the biggest impact possible, and do as little harm as possible. I also feel like I don't have to make excuses or justify my actions anymore though. If I drink coffee it's because I like coffee, or if I drink a coke I no longer say "well it's just *one*" or something ridiculous like that. I do it because, well, I deserve it because I'm awesome (or something like that). That's not to say I'm selfish, the same logic goes to opening doors for women (or men), or giving a waiter an extra-large tip. Why not?

>
> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?

Yes and no. It bother me in the sense that I believe they are living a lie, but it doesn't bother me unless they try to shove it onto me in the sense that they can do whatever makes them happy. If they are happy where they are in life, then more power to them. Same goes for me: I'm happy, so more power to me.

>
> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?
>

Good: I definitely feel more free to do what I want. There's no more guilt unless I do something I find morally wrong, no worrying about other people getting their noses in my business (like not going to church on sunday or something), and just generally doing what I want nowadays and having time to myself. Instead of going to a church ceremony that I found boring on sunday I now paint pictures, read books, go to movies with girls or just laze around the house and do nothing.

Bad? The built-in support group that is sometimes nice in mormonism is gone. Though this isn't necessarily a bad thing for me because of the nose-in-my-business thing listed above, it was nice to know that I could go and rant to 40 people in a room and they'd sit there and take it and give some good advice.

Then again, that's what I have exmormon.org for now.

> I desperately want to understand my husband. I
> love him so very very much, but this is hard. I
> know it isn’t always super fun to talk about,
> but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!


Religion and politics are two things that can kill a relationship if you let them. You don't have to though. It's tough, and I can understand your pain to a degree. My only word of advice is: if you feel that it is truly irreconcilable, don't force yourself to stay married. You'll both be happier off if the marriage is genuine or if you both go your separate ways if it wasn't.

It's hard for her, and I grieve that I've caused her grief...but it's not my fault the church isn't true.

It all boils down to whether the church is true or not.

If it's true then your husband and I are fools, we have been decieved, and you are right to blame us and hope that we'll see the error of our ways and repent.

If the church isn't true, then there's a universe of possibilities of what IS true.

Your questions:

Q)When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?
A) It was sudden. I had had many years of depression and anxiety compensating for all the paradoxes in the gospel...but I never questioned its truthfulness. I blamed all the parodoxes on myself (by paradox, I mean "the mysteries", the things that don't add up or don't make sense, the feeling of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole). The weight simply built up over many years of fully believing it, and then in an instant, at a specific time and place, in terrible despair (which the Book of Mormon teaches "cometh of iniquity", and I was almost suicidal thinking that my own iniquity was beinging this on), it collapsed. I couldn't prop it up in my mind anymore and it just collapsed...I knew it wasn't true. This was the summer of 2008.

Q)How did friends and family respond?
A)I only told my wife. At first she was terrified, she thought I didn't love her anymore, she thought I was going to leave her and our four kids, she thought our eternal marriage and family was lost, and that we had done all this church stuff "for nothing". Then over a few weeks she just thought I was in a depressive phase. She talked to church confidants who eased her mind and persuaded her that I wasn't a total loss, that I'd come back around with love and patience, so she started being more lovey-dovey and tolerant. I don't think she'd agree, but I think she finds me more interesting and sexier now.
As for other family, my side of the family is inactive anyway so their response was just a "yeah, duh". Her side doesn't know. They live many states away, and I'm in the military so long deployments mask my not having a calling.

Q)Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?
A) No, because I don't have questions. I have answers. I don't just have here-and-there objections to the church. I have global objections to it as an authoritarian, racist, sexist scam. And, like all religion, the fundamental trick is to first make you fear something, then offer protection from that fear...invariably for money and control (such as, the church first makes you fear you'll lose your family, that they aren't yours unless you qualify for them on the church's terms, that they'll be taken AWAY from you regardless of yours and their wishes unless you do what the church says...then it fleeces you of money and loyalty all your life ransoming your OWN family back to you).

Q)How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?
A) I swung wildly to the left, and my mental safety net was/is the "secular humanism" philosophy. I have a biology education, so my worldview is a naturalistic one in which life is inevitable, and good/evil is simply when things are in balance or not. I'm agnostic about death/afterlife, but even if there's no afterlife, that still equates to eternal rest, without the threat of some damnation hanging over my head, including an eternity separated into a different "kingdom" than my own family. Mainly, I think a fear of death is unhealthy to begin with and immature, and it's even more unhealthy to be manipulated by a corporation whos product is to sell you protection from death and damnation. Also, it allows me to focus on life, and not be preoccupied with imaginary obligations in an afterlife that steal life.
Morals- I always thought aposates became morally degenerate and "went off the deep end", which was a fear I had for myself if I ever left the church. I was relieved to discover that the world is filled with largely conscientious, moral people, and that morals exist on their own naturally without the church. I think it takes credit for alot of morals that it actually just imported, ironically, from the same "world" it says not to be of.

Q)Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?
A) No. No more than it did when I believed in mormonism and thought that about 99.9% of the world's population.

Q)How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?
A) My practical life hasn't changed much, except that I'm alive at all. I may not have survived continuing to believe in it. Mentally I'm allot different. I have far fewer prejudices and taboos. I see people as fundamentally equal, no stratifying or favoritism based on their premortal "valiance" or level of obedience to god or aculturation in the church, no "preordination". I see inherent value in many things I used to dismiss as "worldy". I see so much more diversity in what's worthwhile, so many more sides to things, so many more colors to reality. It's a vivid experience waking up from black-and-white dogma.
Actually I have trouble finding anything bad about it, and I don't even consider my mormon years a waste. I'm glad I went through it because I appreciate life so much more, and I feel like I have a whole new life to live. The church gave me a loving wife and adorable kids, and I treasure them as much as ever. I see myself as their safety net now for problems with the church they don't see coming. I'm excited about raising my kids by conscience ALONE without any dogma to consider.

So it's one of two thing- the church is true and your husband needs to grow up...or, the church isn't true and YOU need to grow up.

One thing we had a small quarrel about is that I drank alcohol socializing with coworkers. She was very upset, and I felt like I had to tell her that I had done nothing wrong. I'd been forthcoming for a long time that I no longer held total abstinence from alcohol to be a moral imperative, and not only that, I find it prejudiced and fallacious to think anyone a lesser man/woman for legal, responsible drinking. It is not a commandment of god any more than polygamy was...zero "authority" to it.

Good luck.

I was in a similar situation to yours a few years ago. After about five years of marriage and three children, my husband told me he didn't have a testimony. You're doing better than I did, I couldn't talk to him about his feelings on religion for 6-12 months without breaking out in tears. He went to sacrament meeting after that when his schedule permitted it, and we went on like that for a few more years. After I was able to come to terms with his feelings, I was okay with him not going to church, though I still missed him. I tried to get ward members to back off and give him space. Then a few months ago he told me he was removing his name from the church. It hurt, but I supported his decision. Like you, I turned to the internet looking for support. I felt alone, I am very reserved, and didn't know of anyone in the church whose spouse had resigned. I found that while it is not talked about, it does happen. I found a few blogs that were very helpful, although they came from the perspective of someone who had left, not the spouse that had stayed, but I still found it comforting that I was not alone. However, with the information that I found as side notes when I was looking at these blogs lead me to do more research to find answers to new questions that I had. The answers to those questions lead me to leave the church shortly after my dh. However, I believe that had I not decided to leave, that we would have been able to maintain our marriage. I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, there are others in similar situations to yours. I felt very alone for years. As far as your questions, I think that others here have answered them much better than I could, but I'll answer what I can from my perspective...




When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

For my husband it was gradual, for me I think it took about two weeks.


How did friends and family respond?

Most are still learning of our decision. Two ward members still want to be friends, the others seem to have disappeared. (Like you, most of the people I know were members of the church, so now I am trying to expand my social network.)


Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?
I don't think my questions could be resolved... but if the church were somehow shown to me to be 'true' then, yes, I would be there next Sunday.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?
My morals are the same, I value honesty. I don't know if there is life after death or if there is a god/gods.


Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?
If it works for them and makes them happy, then no it does not bother me.

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?
Since I decided to leave with my husband we have grown much closer. We agree on more things, and have more open discussions. The bad things would be the loss of the mormon social network.

It's a rough patch, but I hope that you are able to work through things with your husband.

If anyone advises you to leave your husband... IGNORE THEM.

I did not leave the church due to intellectual reasoning. I left because I prayed long and hard and was somewhat surprised to be told that it wasn't the true church.

This was in 1981. After being lonely -I was the only ex-Mormon that I knew- I found RFM and a whole community of ex-Mormons.

Nothing I have learned here -or on pro-Mormon sites, for that matter- has convinced me that the answer I received was the wrong one.

I respect your husband for his intellectual honesty and I respect YOU for wanting to continue being his wife, even through what must be difficult times for you and him.

Cyber high fives to you both!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 03:47AM by matt.

Well, let's see - mine happened quite a long time ago, but at first it was gradual (things were not adding up, the were discrepencies etc). But, when I asked the biship prick, it really got going fast b/c he yelled at me and said "How dare you question the authority of the church?" At first I thought he was joking but as I asked again, I was rudely asked to leave and to not question the authorities. I left and did not go back. Then I read an questioned other sources and the entire foundation of the lies crumbled and I was angry and then felt they are not worth being angry over forever. I pretty much ignored them (as best as I could) until I wanted to get my name removed from the records.
I found out in 2010 that I was disfellowshipped b/c of that questioning of the bishop prick back then. When I called in 2010 to get my name permanently removed from the membership list, I found out that I was still on the roll and NOT in good standing. Since I had not attended church from the day the bishop yelled to now, I have not set foot in a Morg church. My Morg friends all dumped me flat (meaning they were not friends at all - real CHRISTIANS don't dump friends like that.
My questions could never be resolved because my beliefs were all based on their lies. That can't be fixed.
My moral outlook became higher and I became happier. Once I began meeting and hanging out with honest people a whole world opened up. Secrets really are for little girls giggling at a slumber party. A church should never base its teachings on secret stolen rituals.
My like changed b/c I feel like I am not trying to breathe under water. I like not having to measure up to be something that I am not or a least not at that time.
For example, I did not like most church jobs that were assigned. My mom said that maybe if I practiced playing the organ fanatically, I could ask to have the job of church organist. That is the job a wanted. I did practice and I did become the church organist and it was fun, but I may have handled it a but better/more maturely had I been older when I got the job.
I am still in music (which is a religion to me). You and your husband should talk openly about what makes you believe and what make him not believe on the same topic. For example, the polygamy issue. Each give your thoughts on it to each other. Then on another talk, go to another topic like necro-dunking. You may find some middle ground on smoe issues that you have beliefs in common which is a place to start.
That is my 2 cents worth. I hope it helps.

ihavequestions Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------


>
> Here are my questions:
>
> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?

My first holy shit moment was finding out that the "First vision" story that I was so familiar with, was the third version of the story, and was like a decade after the first version of it. I was like, "why wasn't I ever told this before?" Why didn't they always tell me that there were other versions first? Why always act like this was the only one?

Then I found out he was running cons on his neighbors claiming to be able to see treasure on their land, but they had to pay him first. He never found the treasure, but scammed them into giving him money. That's not the way the church ever made him seem.

Then finding out that the book Mormon Doctrine caused a scandal, and that McConkie bullied his way past the Prophet to publish it. I thought, "That's not the way they always made it seem like things work with the GA's."

Then over the next few years I found more and more. Then I read Fawn Bodie’s well footnoted book about Joseph Smith, and realized that it was all a scam, and that I had spent my whole life believing. I was pissed at that point.


>
> How did friends and family respond?
>

I'm a wuss. I've only told a few of them.


> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?

I don't think that they can be resolved. Joseph Smith was a brilliant con, and there isn't a way to go back and make it all real.

>
> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?
>

Yes it has changed. First I tried to make Mormonism right, even though JS was a fraud. Then I realized that it all was just made up, and the current church lies to keep it hidden. So after that I doubted that there is a God at all. Of course that changes all kinds of outlooks. I'm still and honest and trustworthy person, and always will be.

> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?

The ones that enjoy it, I'm content to let them just continue on in there ignorant bliss if it makes life better for them. I have a brother that hates having to do Mormonism, but he really thinks that the official story is real, and so he feels obligated to continue. He does it just so that he won't go to hell, but doesn't like it at all. I wish he would just open his eyes and realize that he doesn't have to do it anymore.

>
> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?
>

More time and money, and no boring meetings! Less needles guilt.


> I desperately want to understand my husband. I
> love him so very very much, but this is hard. I
> know it isn’t always super fun to talk about,
> but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!

I hurt for you. You are believing fervently that the fraud you are living is real and are losing something important that you shared together. And I'm 99.9 percent sure that you are living with a Con that is using you for cash. But the hurt is real, and the threat to your relationship feels real. It's just another way that the LDS church is harming people needlessly. I'm sorry that you are in pain over this.

There are many similarities to my wife & I's situation. I am impressed that you are on here asking questions. I am impressed that you are open minded enough to be on here.

Here's an overview of my story:
I've had doubts off and most of my life. My first time thinking eternity sounded like a scary concept was somewhere around the age of 10. I have been a true believing Mormon for many years including going on a mission and being very faithful on it.

There were always doubts and things that bothered me that didn't add up. I just put them on the shelf and tried not to think about them. Often the things on the shelf would become resolved in my mind and that would give me faith that the other things on the shelf would be OK and that I just needed to be humble and accept them on faith even though they didn't make sense.

Several years ago I was doubting a lot for a period of several years. I let my wife know and she was pretty upset about it but not overwhelmingly. Then I was reconverted through a series of very strong spiritual experiences on a pioneer trek in Wyoming. I went back to believing for a few years and continued to have a number of powerful spiritual experiences. There was a period of a year and a half where I went to the temple every week, was very faithful in everything. etc.

For me one of my biggest problems is every time I read the scriptures I believed them less. I've read the Book of Mormon over 50 times. Reading the scriptures is supposed to build your testimony. However, the more I read them the more I saw the holes, inconsistencies, contradictions, ridiculousness, etc. Little things like the timeline not adding up for the lost 116 pages - Jacob, Enos, Jarom, Omner all had to be in their 70s when their sons were born for the time to add up. Nephi hearing a voice in his head to chop off Labans head where he had no authority to do so. Joseph Smith being wrong over and over again in the Doctrine and Covenants. The God of the Old Testament is a nasty murderous being - take Noah and the flood for one of hundreds of examples.

Also I found that I could feel the spirit just as much thinking this can't be true as thinking it is true. One big experience for me was being in the temple and totally worthy (so I knew Satan could have no influenced) and being able to feel the spirit strongly while thinking and praying that the church is not true.

The convenience of miracles always bothered me. If something goes the way you want it, it is God performing a miracle. If something doesn't go the way you want it, it is God's will. In the end I couldn't see that God did much of anything, just that people ascribed their beliefs to miracles.

I had thoughts of there are so many different religions in the world. They are just as convinced as we are that they are right.

So for me it was a slow back and forth thing of going in phases of "this can't possibly be true" vs "this must be true". Finally about 3-4 years ago was my last bout of "this must be true" and I've been in the "this can't possibly be true" state ever since. I'm confident it won't change again.

My initial exposure to what you would call "anti-mormon literature" was negative. The claims were outlandish. They were written and discussed by other Christian churches whose primary objective was to gain converts to their church. Also I noticed that I felt yucky reading that kind of stuff. So I avoided getting any information from those kind of sources until I had made the decision completely on my own. Having gone back and seen the overwhelming objective evidence that is out there that the church is a fraud has been amazing. Seeing the infantile, belittling, aggressive, illogical way that those defending the church go about it has only provided further evidence that they don't have a leg to stand on.

About 7 months ago I let my wife know that I was back to not believing. We have been married 17 years and have 4 kids ages 6-15. Having told her that before I was surprised how upset she was and how devastating it was for her this time around. Maybe it was because I am much more final on it this time. She has had feelings of being betrayed that I said I believed it when we were married. She has been angry because she did all the right things to have a righteous believing eternal companion and feels cheated. She has felt insecure that now that I don't have God making me stayed married to her that I am going to leave her. She has felt that what she wanted most in life has been taken from her. She still feels these things, but is working through them and working past them.

For 6 months she was grieving and continued to withdraw from me. The pain she felt in the situation was a cause of her emotionally avoiding me in many ways. Our marriage has always been challenging for a number of reasons - but it has also always been great in a lot of ways too. Her pulling back and me continually feeling guilty for her being so miserable finally got things to a crisis about a month and a half ago where we were looking pretty seriously at a divorce. Part of the resolution of this crisis was that my wife felt ready and I officially resigned from the church. We are starting to rebuild and things are going a lot better for the most part.

So my advice base on things I wished my wife had done differently.

1) I feel that she has "thrown me under the bus" with both my immediate family and hers. They are all strongly believing Mormons. She has gone to all of them for a "shoulder to cry on". Some of what she has done and said has substantially hurt my relationship with both my family as well as hers. This has also been true of neighbors in the ward. I bring this up because you mention that your husband complains that you only talk to Mormons and I wonder if he feels you have done some of the same to him. I feel very isolated in my beliefs because everyone close to me in my life is a believing Mormon.

2) As I alluded to earlier, her pulling away from me emotionally has caused a lot of damage to our marriage.

On the other hand she has also done some really good things. Although she doesn't agree she has been very respectful that what I believe is reasonable and she can respect that they are my beliefs. We have both been respectful of each others beliefs and overall been very good at how we have communicated to each other. This has been a key for both of us in a difficult time. We have also learned to not focus on it. We know the issue is there and it is something we both wish were different, but is not likely to change so we focus on other aspects of our relationship. This is important in our interactions with one another, but also important in our thoughts. We try to feed the feelings of companionship and love and not feed the feelings of frustration and resentment.

Now to your specific questions:
When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?
- Already answered above. Gradual, over a period of time. I went back and forth a number of times.

How did friends and family respond?
- I've told you the most important part which is my wife. The rest of my family has been supportive. They haven't talked about it very much which is a mixed blessing. On one hand I feel glad that they care most about me as a person and are trying to not let it get in the way. On the other hand it is a bit awkward that it hasn't been discussed yet, but I feel too bashful/exposed to bring it up.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?
- Yes, I would return if I were to believe it again. Frankly my life would be a lot easier if I were in sync with my beliefs with everyone else in my life. However, this is kind of the wrong question because my questions aren't going to be resolved. From an objective standpoint the church isn't true - the only thing keeping me believing was the subjective. The church doesn't add up objectively - the only way it can add up is to add enough subjective filters and to only look at half of the information and think - well there is a maybe possible way that could add up.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

This is a work in progress. I personally don't believe in life after death - life after death even in the Celestial kingdom sounds horrible - the idea of existing forever has always freaked me out - a million years might be great, even a billion, or a trillion, but with forever once you've gone a trillion trillion years you'll still have forever to go. Eventually you are just going to get really bored. Yech!

Morals still exist. Interestingly I see things the church called righteous as evil now - publicly humiliating people by not letting them take the sacrament when unworthy (my 12 year old son having to skip passing the sacrament and not take the sacrament because of some moral issues greatly upsets me); keeping people from attending their own children's weddings because they are unworthy; the historical and continuing oppression of blacks, women and gays.

How humans treat one another is my basis for morals instead of what someone tells me God says is good and bad. (God has been extremely inconsistent in the scriptures in defining what is good and bad - e.g. Jesus said marrying a divorced woman is the same as committing adultery, God told Nephi to chop of Laban's head, etc.)

I feel like my new morals I am developing are in fact more moral.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

Sometimes it frustrates me. However, it is pretty easy for me to respect them for what they believe even though I think they are wrong. I understand that there are very compelling reasons to believe.

I understand that human nature is such that people have a very very hard time letting go of and changing what they believe in. I understand that the Mormon culture especially makes this difficult since we are indoctrinated to say we know it is true from early childhood on. That we are constantly barraged with how a testimony is the most important possession in our life and there is something wrong with us, worthiness, effort, etc. if we loose it.

I understand that identity is vital to humans and that religion is a huge part of that identity.

My wife was almost able to see it. More importantly she was almost able to truly look. But in the end the thought of what she would loose was too overwhelming. Her loss of identity, her loss of stability & security, her loss of comfort level with family, her loss of beliefs, her loss of a structure to raise the children in, etc. etc. I can completely respect that the price Mormons would have to pay to even look at the facts objectively is too high a price for most. The only reason she was almost able to almost look is that being on the same page as me is also very important to her, but at least so far she has too much to loose to take a truly honest look. I respect that. I understand.

Probably what annoys me the most is all of the references in the church about how important truth is. About how learning the truth is vital. This coupled with the practice of most Mormons sticking their head in the sand and not being willing to look at all of the evidence out there - all of the propganda to never look at anything that could diminish your testimony. If you are only willing to look at half the information how will you know the truth? If it is really the truth why are you scared to look at all of the evidence and see if it really adds up?

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

The hardest part has been the impact to the most important relationships in my life. It's been hard on our marriage. It is very difficult that this has hurt my best friend, my wife, so deeply. It's very difficult to know that everyone around me thinks I'm nuts - it's almost more difficult to know they all feel sorry for me for being on the wrong path. It's difficult to be the one going against the grain. It's difficult to feel isolated and a pariah.

It's rewarding to feel that I have found the real truth.

It's nice not to be up to my head in should. One thing the Mormon church exceeds at is eternal guilt. Even if you are an outstanding, dedicated Mormon you are barraged with guilt. Even if you go to church every week, are a dedicated parent, read your scriptures, have family home evening, pay a full tithing, never miss home/visiting teaching, attend the temple, serve in your calling, and on and on it's not enough. They still make you feel guilty for not writing in your journal, not magnifying your calling enough, not doing genealogy, not having enough food storage. The should is overwhelming. As a Mormon you are always up to your neck in should. It's been great deprogramming myself to let a lot of the should go and to just let myself be human. Finally being human is enough. I don't have to strive to be perfect anymore. I just get to find meaning in my life.

The extra time and money are really nice.

It's nice to not worry about what God thinks of me. He supposedly loves me unconditionally. However, most of us he loves unconditionally are going to be judged by Him not to be worthy to re-enter his presence (narrow is the gate & few there be that find it and many other scriptures indicate that getting to the Celestial kingdom is a tall order). Even if I am good enough I could pretty much guarantee that some of my loved ones would not be good enough and that would be just as heartbreaking.

Overall I am a lot happier. I'm definitely much more comfortable in my own skin.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 08:05AM by ronas.

Here are a couple of links I would recommend to you:

This is an article on why people tend to keep believing what they already believe, especially smart people:
http://www.michaelshermer.com/weird-things/excerpt/

This is an article about Mormon apologists and the tactics they use (an apologist is someone who defends a belief such as a faith or religion):
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon441.htm

Both of these viewpoints are important in seeking the truth and/or in being open minded, IMO.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 06:27AM by ronas.

For ihavequestions

1. When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church?

At age 28 while serving as a Bishop's Counselor I offended a member and remembered there was a website online full of offended people. So I thought I'd come on just as you have now to try to get some answers on how I could un-offend the member as I didn't want him to foreclose on his salvation because I said something wrong. This exmormon.org site is the one and that first day I came across an article on the Kinderhook Plates. That was the beginning of the end for me.


Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

It took me a few months after reading the first article on the Kinderhook Plates until I was ready to really study this issue in-depth. But this issue was keeping me up at night as I knew it was a problem and I also became aware that other big ones out there existed which were mentioned oftentimes online - in particular the Book of Abraham, Mountain Meadow Massacre, Polygamy, Masonic Ceremonies Plagiarism, multiple editions of First Vision, and changes to the D&C. What finally caused me to question was a feeling I got during General Conference that I should google Kinderhook and then take a trip to that town (I was just a few hours away) in order to put this issue to rest. Well upon googling I came across D&C 101 as it existed in 1835 where the church denounced polygamy. Keep in mind that this was after the year 1831 which is mentioned in the preface of D&C 132. At that moment the floodgates opened on my willingness to study anything. What finally did me in about 2 weeks later was my follow up research in reading 4 articles in scientific journals that Simon Southerton sent me in follow up to reading his story online.

How did friends and family respond?

To this day the TBM friends/family don't ask any serious questions to understand why I no longer believe. Having served a mission, taught at the MTC while at BYU, and served as Ward Mission Leader I was quite familiar with the Missionary Guide and how Mormons are supposed to help others who have doctrinal struggles. They obviously don't live their religion because they don't try to understand my reasons for no longer believing.


Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

Yes, without a doubt.


How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

The hardest part for me was accepting the fact that I don't have the answers on life after death. I'm in a comfortable position on this now.


Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

What bothers me is that I know that the top leadership of the church are dishonest people. However the sad irony is that they self-justify everything so much that I really do believe that they really don't see how dishonest they are and that they really do believe in the church. I'm reminded of the oath the 22 new Cardinals made to keep church secrets this weekend in Rome. These men live in a cocoon and they really don't know how badly the world thinks of Mormons. It is impossible for anyone with any shred of integrity who has a good knowledge on church history to not admit that the church is very deceitful with its members. Obviously I had to make a tough decision when my kids were toddlers. Do I pretend and live a lie and someday have to answer to my children why I raised them in a lie? Or do I knuckle under and demand answers and really study everything thoroughly? I wasn't going to just abandon the church. I gave it every possible chance. I went to the Bishop/SP asking for guidance/answers and got absolutely none. I went to a temple presidency member for answers on the Masonic plagiarisms issue and got none. What bothers me is this culture that's afraid to ask real questions.



How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

My life is authentic and much better now. But the first few years were definitely worse being an exmormon. However once a person knows the church is a fraud it can never be the same again. But I'm glad I found out at age 28 than at an older age.

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church?
When I was on my mission. The whole thing seemed more like selling Amway than improving people's lives.

Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?
Gradual realization of my discomfort, but when I finally let it go, it came cascading down like a dilapidated house waiting to collapse under its own weight.

How did friends and family respond?

Of course they were upset. Some of them still are. Most of my Mormon friends wanted nothing to do with me, leading me to realize how shallow our relationships really were. Half of my family was relieved that I'd finally come to my senses, but the other half recognized that I was more relaxed and easier to be around.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

Yes and no. If the LDS Church truly were the church of Jesus Christ, then of course I would go. However, I don't believe that JS was inspired and believe that he made it all up. Otherwise, I think the church is a black hole of time and money that would be better spent elsewhere.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

It's impossible to quantify it. Once you reject the prepackaged LDS worldview, it opens your mind to so many more possibilities.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

At first it did, but then I realized that it's their life and not mine. Selfishness is expecting others to live how you want them to.

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

At first it's hard to go through life responsible for your own decisions. You have to become more comfortable with uncertainty and accept that some things are unknowable. You have to rebuild your social network and not have the premade social ties that the LDS Church provides. LDS friendships are pie crust friendships: easily made and easily broken.

ihavequestions Wrote:
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Thank you for being open-minded and looking outside the church for more information. I hope we are able to help you out. I am not married, so I have no advice to offer; I'm simply going to answer your questions best I can.


>
> Here are my questions:
>
> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?

In high school, I was abused when I was 15 by my priesthood-holding, temple-worthy, garment-wearing married stepbrother. When this was found out, my parents made me go to the bishop, who then convened a Bishop's Court, which disciplined me by putting me on probation. I was released from my MIA Maid calling and the YW leaders treated me like a dirty slut. I was punished for keeping sweet and obeying a priesthood holder! Later, the bishop refused to reinstate me because he thought I needed to forgive myself. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong: I was modest, I didn't flirt with my stepbro, I preferred boys my own age, but didn't even date yet. I got great grades and obeyed the Word of Wisdom. I had done everything I was told to do but the promises of blessings never came to fruition. As the years went by and I continued thinking this over, I realized that those promises of blessings were lies. If I sinned and went against the gospel, good things and bad things happened to me. There was no correlation of cause-and-effect when it came to sin = trials/punishment, righteousness = blessings. If I was good and lived the gospel exactly as I understood it, there were no blessings. It seemed like it made life harder. Where were the blessings?

>
> How did friends and family respond?

The only two people in my entire orbit who are mormons are my dad and stepmom. Because I left the church after I was 18 and had left the house (left the state after getting a college degree, in fact), I thought that my religion or lack thereof, as the case was becoming, was none of my parents' business. My nevermormon friends and family were all relieved and proud of me that I'd had the courage to leave such a controlling religion that really hadn't delivered all the blessings it promised.

>
> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?

No, I don't have questions and never did. It's pretty clear to me that god is very inconsistent; and therefore, probably not really a diety at all, but a mental construct that people make up to help themselves make sense of the world. We tell ourselves tales to cope with confusion and chaos. The reason I say god is inconsistent was because of Elizabeth Smart. While I wasn't kidnapped, I was still raped at the same age by a grown man who thought he had the authority to stick it wherever he wanted. After Elizabeth Smart was found, I heard her bishop say on CNN that she is still pure in the eyes of god. I wondered immediately if my bishopric--who presumably, knelt and prayed to god about my case in regard to which action to take--had spoken with the same god that Elizabeth's bishop was apparently talking to. In that flash of fury and resentment, I realized that none of these guys are talking to god; they are making stuff up and justifying themselves by wrapping god around it. There is no just god who would punish a teenager for letting herself get raped.

So I have NO questions. There is nothing that could be said or done that would convince me that these church leaders are men of god and/or that their ideas about god are the correct ones.

>
> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?

Although I am a confirmed atheist now, I believe I live a more moral life than I did as a mormon. Mormonism forces you to lie to yourself. Since leaving the church, I have learned about grace and forgiveness. I have learned about personal integrity and personal responsibility. I have learned to act from a space of trust and respect when it comes to interacting with other people. I am less judgmental and more tolerant, loving, open and accepting of other people's ideas. I believe in kindness. I believe in love. I do not believe in a diety nor an afterlife. This life is all we get, so it matters even more how you conduct yourself while you are on this planet as a living, breathing, thinking being. Sometimes, people tell me, if you're an atheist, then what's the point? The point is (to me) that life has whatever meaning you give it. If there is no afterlife, then it behooves you to be the awesomest person you can be because there is no second chance to do things "right" in the afterlife.

>
> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?

It only bothers me because I see how it holds my dad's life back. I don't care what other people believe in, as long as they are not constantly trying to cram that down my throat or force me to believe or behave as though I believe in the same things they do. But it bothers me to watch my dad, who's been miserable in his marriage for pretty much the entire last 30 years or so. That is so sad to me that my dear old dad is shackled to an ignorant, uneducated rube for time and ALL ETERNITY. Poor guy. He chose poorly. He would have more money for his hobbies and retirement if he hadn't wasted so much on tithing. (Where's the blessings dad?) He would have more energy to do real, good, charitable works if he wasn't so busy running on the mormon gerbil keep-busy wheel. He could have happiness and love if he could divorce his idiot and married someone with a brain in her head. He could HAVE ALL the blessings that the church PROMISES, ironically, if he'd leave the church.

I have never mentioned anything like this to him. I respect his boundaries as well. He is a true-blue believer and I think it would be cruel to try to de-convert him. Just as I believe my religion is none of his business, his religion is none of MINE. If I want his respect, I have to respect him. If he knows I resigned, he has not mentioned it. I assume he does because my name probably dropped off his tithing settlement printout. We don't discuss it because we respect each other's right to practice the 11th Article of Faith.

>
> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?

I can't really think of bad things that came as a result of leaving the church. I was able to develop my own identity without being told who to be. I was able to understand that my options in this world are far more limitless than simply being a wife and mother in Zion. There isn't anything wrong with that, but most women are capable of that and MORE. Why should we limit ourselves to a small, prescribed role in life when we really have the freedom and agency to make any choice we wish?

Probably the only negative was the psychological damage from the abuse -- and I think it's very necessary to point out that I don't believe that sex=morality. It wasn't the sex part of the abuse that messed me up. It was being told that I was dirty, and damaged, and had it coming and that no good, kind, decent man would ever want me. THAT was a real mindf***, which I am still trying to deal with 25 years later.

The good things are that I was able to explore the world under my own terms. I put myself through college and earned a degree. Then I started building a little career in my field of study. I moved across the country -- all by myself, where I didn't know a soul -- and rebooted my life. In fact, I've done that a couple times. I learned that almost no choice cannot be undone. There are always consequences to our choices, but you can nearly always get a do-over if necessary and if not, then you just make those un-do-overable choices a little more carefully at the get-go. Eventually, I bought my own house, again, all by myself. I have a nice boyfriend, a dog and a cat, a great job I love, and am surrounded with light, laughter, beauty, and love.

Had I stayed mormon, it looks to me like I would have subjugated myself to a lifetime sentence of picking up after and cooking for other people, caring for others endlessly and never having my own needs met or desires fulfilled. I find it difficult to believe that any just, righteous god would lay out a plan for half its creation that involved not fulfilling one's own potential as a human being.

When I read things like D&C 132 and the Proclamation of the Family and quotes from church leaders, I wonder how in the hell any woman remains in the church. You can't even grow into a whole person if you stay in such a tyrannical, oppressive situation. You don't even get to decide for yourself what type of underwear you will don! I suppose if you were born in, and have never been exposed to other thoughts, philosophies and ideas, you don't know any better, so it's easy to believe what you're told: that there is one true christian church on the planet and you are soooo special because you're a member of it. I see more morality in the prison system.

My advice to you is this: Stop believing everything you're told without first investigating and researching for yourself. Go read D&C 132 carefully and ask yourself: Is this what I wanted for myself? A polygamous marriage? This is what I want my daughters to be -- just chattel in some man's delusion?

>
> I desperately want to understand my husband. I
> love him so very very much, but this is hard. I
> know it isn’t always super fun to talk about,
> but I appreciate your time. Thanks everybody!

answer your questions. I have no clue what age you married--so do you have any idea what dating is like as a divorcee in mormonism? Do you think another man will love your child as much as her dad does? Do you LOVE your husband?

Then, for me, I'd say just love him. You may not understand--but that doesn't mean you can't love him.

Nobody KNOWS what comes next. Even the mormon leaders.

Having dealt with them for my own issues--I left over my life experience. I was TOTAL TBM and I married my husband to save him--as he was gay--and I was told by the leaders it was my job to save him. My life became a disaster and 7 or so years after he left me and taking a vacation from church as it was so mind-bending for me to go after I'd made such a huge effort and I also didn't want my children to be treated as "less than" and that is what your child will be treated like if you divorce--it all fell apart. They had taken our lives and experimented with them. AND they didn't care. Not in the least. I obviously wasn't righteous enough to save someone gay. Bullsh*t.

What a relief it was when it all fell apart for me. I have a journal entry that I wrote that day.

I am now back with the guy I wanted to marry at age 20 (nonmember), my ex and I are the best of friends. Our son has some issues--he's getting there. Our daughter went back to the LDS church at age 21 (she is now 26)--and I fear for her, but I support her in her choices and I will be there should it fall apart for her like it did for me.

I have had mixed responses from other mormons--my neighbors for the most part we get along quite well, but I live in an exceptional "ward" in Utah. My parents had questions--as I was their most devout mormon child (most my siblings had already left the church and my dad wasn't very TBM)--and they listened when I talked. They'd seen the disaster that became of my life. They were furious over how I had been treated. They were still 'believers' when they died just months after our last conversation about my church status.

If you love your husband, you don't want THIS to end your marriage. Remember--endure to the end. Just love him. I promise you--your child needs him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 10:36AM by cl2.

Everybody's experience, including your husband's, is different, but here goes.

I also want to preface this Q&A by stating that I and other people on this site were largely "normal" rank and file members of the church who "served" missions, attended the temple, taught lessons in church etc.

I'm a 7th generation Mormon, returned missionary, and BYU graduate. My callings included gospel doctrine teacher, ward mission leader, Sunday School President, and I was even a branch president for 6 months during my mission. The reason for this listing is just to show I was deeply involved in the church and very active.

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

It was a gradual realization. I grew tired of the contradictions in the teaching LDS authorities over the years and determined to follow the counsel of people like Hugh B. Brown that all I needed to believe as a Mormon was the truth. That allowed me to shove aside anything Mormon leaders taught that wasn't true, such as rejecting evolutionary biology.

The watershed moment occurred at BYU in 2004 when I was preparing a Sunday school lesson and in 3 links was at an "anti-Mormon site." I didn't take everything at the site at face value, but that set me into a period of heavy study about the LDS Church (much of it in the Lee Library at BYU).

Even after discovering that the LDS Church's claims about itself were not true, I tried to hang on in some way and remain active. After awhile, I just couldn't attend anymore, because I could not bear listening to the lies, and if I tried to respond as forcefully as I would like--the likely result would have been a disciplinary council. So I stopped going in 2006 and resigned my membership in early 2007.

How did friends and family respond?

Really bad with my family at first. I moved away from Utah, so most of my friends now are not Mormons. We've mended the family relationship, but don't talk about this at all.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

I don't know what it would take. Several fields of human inquiry would have to be turned on their head to resolve my questions.

I don't think any amount of structural reform like a more enlightened view on gays, women, more democratic organizational structure would be enough to get me back. That's because I've built emotional and social bonds outside the Mormon world, and don't have the time/desire to get involved in it again.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

I still believe in God, but in a very different less clearly defined way. I'm constantly searching and exploring truth, and I'm not fixed to eternal truth and morality.

My moral framework is rooted in core ideas such as love and responsibility and I try act in ways that are derived from core principles. That seems to work better than having hard and fast rules for every little thing.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

Yes. We just can't relate on certain things.

In other ways my relationship with my family is better, because we are not trying to enforce Mormon orthodoxy on each other--though mom can't help it and still tries sometimes (and fails).

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

I feel much more comfortable with myself and the mystery and ambiguity that comes with life. I don't feel the need to be "perfect" and accept that I have foibles and shortcomings.

The level of disconnection from my family is sometimes hard to deal with. I also can't help but having some deep regrets about all the time and effort put into my Mormon life that is largely useless to me now.

I hope the insights we are providing are helpful to you.

I will answer a few questions. This is the first time I have ever posted anything!

I was born in the church, married in the temple, and active in the church for most of my life. I am 43 now. I started really doubting the church about 4 yrs ago or so. It started with reading and studying church history! That just cracks me up. My leaving was gradual, but when I was done, I was done!

Friends and family were shocked. Only my immediate family is in the church(siblings and parents). I lost many so called friends. I felt shunned. My husband had a really tough time, and is still sort of active. The children left with me. At first they went with their Dad, but that fizzled out. Deep down I think my husband is not a believer, but he is will not leave completely. I thought our marriage was going to end, but we made it through and have a great relationship now. It is based on love, not obligation. Staying married through this process was VERY hard, but it can be done if you really love eachother.

The Church could never entice me back. If I am lied to, that's it. It is the one thing I cannot forgive. Life outside of the Church is amazing! It is peaceful, and normal, and private.

My views are the same as always. I am very liberal. The only difference now is that I am vocal about it, whereas before I didn't say too much.

Hope this helps. You will make it through if you really love him. You both need to go out alone often, and talk about this. That is what helped us. Also, my husband let me have the space to work things out in my own head. I will always be grateful to him for that. Good luck!! I think that by coming here and just asking questions that you must love him so much :)

It is a painful and uncertain place to be in your relationship. I hope things work out well for the both of you.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,418410,419261#msg-419261

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question?

Answer: Sudden realization when a person in charge of tithing settlement started to pester me about paying tithing when he KNEW I couldn't pay anything. At the time, I had recently lost my home and job, in a fire. I went inactive shortly after that conversation, and honestly never became active again.

How did friends and family respond?

Answer: My grandmother died before I left the church, but she had told me many times I needed to get out. My mother always let me make the decisions about my religion myself growing up, so it did not matter to her one way or the other. My friends were happy I got out. I quickly learned that the branch was a social network, and if you wasn't part of it, you meant very little to them. The night I gave the bishop my resignation, was the last time I saw most of them. I have seen the bishop, his wife, and a few others in passing.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT, had I knew then what I know now about the LDS church, I would have told the missionaries on that November morning that I was not interested in the LDS church, nor will I ever be interested.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed?

Answer: It hasn't changed at all. I still have my firm belief in Jesus Christ, I still believe He is up there watching over us. I no longer believe, and honestly never have, that one must go to a mormon temple, to get into Heaven. I have never believed that one must marry in the temple, to be honestly married. When you honestly look at those things, you realize its just a bunch of junk that MEN wrote. Cause I can tell you now, mormons will not be the only ones in Heaven, and my grandparents were married for over 40 years before my grandfather died. They were honestly married. The way I treat people is now much better than it was when I was in the church.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?

Answer: No. Most people have been in the LDS church so long, they are too indoctrinated to ask the questions you are asking now. Its heartbreaking, but you learn to understand it and move on.

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things?

Answer: My life really hasn't changed since I left the church. I still have the problems now that I had when I was a member. I still have the same girlfriend that I had when I was a member. The only good and bad things about leaving the church is what I left behind when I left. I left them with my memory. Thats a good thing because if someone wants to leave, they can see that one can escape. The bad thing is that same memory can also be used by the church to tell members what NOT to do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 11:28AM by dclarkfan1.

> When did you start questioning the truthfulness of
> the Church? Was it a gradual realization or an
> event that led you to question?

I always had questions, I can remember some from my primary days, as a 10 year old. Some I was able to ignore, but some never went away. Finally, I decided (as suggested by my bishop at the time) to do my own research and find out the answer to questions I had about the church, its claims and its history. Needless to say, I did not find the answers I was expecting, the church had been lying to us all along.

> How did friends and family respond?

There were several tearful discussions with my wife about my new beliefs, but overall everyone in my life has been very positive...as long as I keep my mouth shut. Since I no longer "live" in the glass house, I somehow have lost the right to throw rocks. No one has disowned me, no one has shunned me....as far as I know.


> Would you return to the Church if your questions
> were resolved?

That is a tough question, clearly Joe was lying to his wife and to his followers about many many things. For the church to admit that and come clean...well, the church would not really survive after that. There would be no church to come back to. But IF they came clean, and told the truth, and disclosed financials, and were honest in member counts, discarded bogus scriptures, admitted they were wrong about polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, adam-god, allowed family to attend temple weddings with holding a TR, etc etc...sure, why not? Mormons are still my tribe and my family roots for generations and generations. Most of our friends are mormons or inactive mormons, so I will be with them forever.

> How has your worldview (life after death, morals,
> etc) changed?

Morals, no change. Life after death...still a big question. Pretending to know the answer is not really knowing the answer..no one knows. Now, I just admit I don't know.

> Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends
> and family) are still blindly obeying a religion
> you no longer believe in?

YES !!! I find myself running up against the same thought process I was fighting on my mission in France. "I was born catholic and I will die catholic". I was so dismayed that they had no desire to find "truth" (as I understood it). Now, decades later, I find the exact same mentality in the mormon community. ZERO desire to find out truth. No interest in anything outside the established boundaries. I think life is a continual search for learning and knowledge...but the closed doors/minds of many in the church is frustrating.

> How has your life changed? What are some good
> things? Bad things?

Life is much better, more real, more authentic. Life is far more precious. I am much happier, except for one thing. My family members still stuck in the trap of mormonism. Other than that, I can think of no negatives.

You asked: "Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in?"

YES! This is the thing I think about EVERY DAY!

You husbands experience is very similar to mine. My believing wife and I are still together, and plan on staying so through thick and thin, despite the obvious difficulties that this creates. Unforunately it means a whole lot more giving on my part than getting, but I'm okay with that since I resolved before we got married that I'd be perfectly willing and okay with giving 100% to the marriage while receiving nothing in return. 5 years later and I'm still okay with that, and my wife gives me a lot in return.

Here are my answers:

When did you start questioning the truthfulness of the Church? I've always questioned since I was a teenager. I wouldn't consider myself any kind of honest seeker of truth if I wasn't continually questioning things, and I view it as stifling and prideful to at any time refuse to question.

Was it a gradual realization or an event that led you to question? It was a gradual learning process, but I remember distinctly the moment when the church when from being greater than 50% likely of being true to less than 50% likelihood of being true. This was the moment I "lost my testimony" and it spurred a period of intense desire to learn everything I could about the church from all angles. As I studied I watched, powerless, as the likelihood of the church being true dropped all the way down to a miniscule fraction of a percent.

How did friends and family respond? Their responses ranged from expressing hope that this new view would ultimately be good for me to telling me that I'd been deceived and was going to destroy my relationship with my wife and kids. None of that has happened of course, but I still get sympathy messages from them from time to time, indicating that they still believe that my disbelief is really the result of sin or offense, and not actual study.

Would you return to the Church if your questions were resolved? It depends on how you define "questions were resolved." Just because someone can come up with an answer doesn't mean that the answer is most likely correct. For instance, I can say that the moon is made out of cheese, but the astronauts may have not dug deep enough to find it yet. It's a valid answer, but it doesn't mean I'm going to believe it. On the day that the evidence rises above 50% again, I will believe. Unfortunately, the more I study BOTH sides, and the more I independently investigate BOTH claims, the more false the church appears. When I was mormon I didn't study both sides, and to be mormon again I would have to go back to only studying one side. However, that rubs too strongly against my truth-seeking nature for it to likely ever happen.

How has your worldview (life after death, morals, etc) changed? I now define my own morals, as opposed to relying on an external source to define them for me. I have found this to be very healthy for me - like working out muscles that have never been worked out before. I haven't found any reliable evidence to indicate what happens after death, and I've determined that I don't really care. If I'm still around, then I'll deal with afterlife at that point. If I wanted to prepare myself, there are thousands of arbitrary theories around that I could subscribe to, but I don't really have the time to cover all my bases. If I cease to exist, then it's not like I'll be around to be sad about it. I find I care more about humanity now, and humanity will continue to exist long after I die. My morality is centered around the progress and happiness of humanity.

Does it bother you that people (maybe even friends and family) are still blindly obeying a religion you no longer believe in? Only when I can clearly see its destructive influence on their lives. In matters where it doesn't harm them, I don't care so much. Of course, it's always hard to see friends and family suffer, and to be in possession of the remedy, and have them refuse it for arbitrary reasons that don't make any sense - like faith.

How has your life changed? What are some good things? Bad things? My wife and kids live a more comfortable life thanks to my increased income and other career advancements that have happened. I have felt a stronger inner-motivation to live a mentally and phyiscally healthy life, and I do. I'm not sure of the direct reason for this, but I assume it stems from the exercise and expansion of my mind through comprehensive studies and considerations of world-views, and not just the mormon view anymore. I no longer experience cognitive dissonance, which is an amazing feeling. I'm no longer fretting about whether I need to repent about any action, or whether or not some action is sinful or may damage the approval of a felt but unseen being. I also no longer speak with my wife about religious matters, as she considers my views to be an attack against her faith, by which she defines herself. My only sadness is this matter, and is directly related to the LDS church.

"Unforunately it means a whole lot more giving on my part than getting"

I just have to comment on this statement. If your marriage is anything like mine, I'd guess your wife would say the same thing. It's frustrating to often feel like we are both giving 90% or 100% (well beyond 50%/50%) and still not meeting each others needs...