I got this idea while reading another thread.

Most people probably remember Jeff Foxworthy's,
"You might be a redneck if...."

Why not do it for mormons in relation to things they would plausibly do that would identify them as a cult?

For example, "You might belong to a cult (mormon version) if...

The prophet comes to your wife, says he received a revelation that she's to leave her husband, become one of his wives and SHE AGREES TO DO IT"

Pay tithing rather than by food for your children.

Hear, hear, get her done! This has happened.

You might be in a cult if you bend down to kiss your new bride at your wedding and your bakers hat falls off.

you think you have the market cornered on "truth".

you think that you and your cronies are the only ones going to heaven (kolob).

your friends and fellow members have convinced each other that "magic undies", will protect you from all manner of disaster, both natural and man-made.

In addition about the magic undies...

You might be in a cult if you believe that there was a point that the magic undies actually saved one of the "Famous" members of the cult... like I was told about Mr. Marriott and his boat fire...

...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2012 10:50AM by dragwit.

If your baby owns a little white shirt and tie.

they make it easy to join, but next to impossible to leave.


BTW the door bell rang tonight at 9:00 p.m. after we have turned out most lights and are crashed in our evening/sleep wear. Who else would just drop in that late at night unannounced? Yeah, the cult. A local RS sister inviting DW to some nonsensical get together. Priceless.

Great Idea!

You might belong to a cult...


If you have sex in your underwear.

If you felt a pang of guilt the last time you threw your undies on the floor.


If you think Obedience is the first Law of Heaven.


if you chant prayers in a group circle around an alter

If someone gives you a secret new name.

You measure every item of clothing you buy to make sure it goes okay with garments.

You think calling Joseph Smith "Joe" is disrespectful.

You honestly can't understand why Jewish people get so upset about Holocaust victims posthumously being baptized Mormon... after all, they can choose to reject THE TRUTH if they really want to.

You make your small children pay tithing on their allowances.

You totally hate the idea of polygamy, but if the profit said God told him that everyone had to start it up again, you would heave a martyred sigh and tell your husband okay.

You can hardly wait to check out the new mall!

You might belong to a cult if at your Temple wedding people keep asking if the groom is the baker who baked the wedding cake.

-Drinking the "kool-aid" is partaking of it in a gelatinous (usually green) form.


-You believe that you belong to the only true church on the earth, and are one of god's chosen, yet still consider yourself to be humble.

-If you feel guilty and dont know why.

If you still feel a little a guilty posting on this topic you might belong to a cult

Calling a GA anything other than GA, Lord's Annointed, leaders = disrespect.

You hear one day that 99.98% of the humans who have ever lived haven't been Mormons. It doesn't bother you in the slightest and you pray to offer gratitude that you were one of the very elect.

Your leaders tell you to only read the 'approved materials online'

They get you all worried about the end of the world / second coming, tell you about the importance of stock-piling food, own vast farms under their 'corporate wing' that produce wheat, sell you the wheat, let you store it for 40 years until its no good, then back-track and tell you that the end of the world isn't actually imminent.

Ask your children one to one and behind closed doors if they've masturbated

This is more of "Your parents still belong to a cult if..." (Taken from real life)

You and/or some of your siblings (which run to double figures) are younger than some of your children/nephews/nieces (too many to count).

Your parents forgot your 16th birthday. It doesn't correlate with any major church milestone dates.

Your parents have long since given up any attempt at remembering their children's birthdays. No attempt at all is made for grandchildren's birthdays (except their 8th, see below). Meanwhile, your Catholic in-laws remember not only their grandchildren's birthdays, but manage to keep track of their children's spouses as well.

Shortly after a grandchild's 8th birthday, the grandparents offer to babysit for a weekend and flat-out encourage the parents to go out and party on a Saturday night. Sometime later, on realising the child has been baptised, the parents ask questions and the Grandparents say "Don't you remember? You had come back from ...." (My sister fell for this THREE times).

You are a pre-teen, and accidentally take cough syrup with alcohol in it, and your mother tells you not to take the sacrament until she talks to the bishop.

Your mother terminates conversations by running in to her bedroom and praying on her knees with the door open, in full view, for over an hour.

You get all dressed up to go to church with your Catholic husband (for Christmas mass) only to find most of the congregation in t-shirts, denims or short skirts/shorts (New Zealand summer) and a few in pajamas. In long skirt, blouse, and panty-hose, you are the second-best dressed person in church - next to the priest.

Your mother rolls her eyes so much during your interdenom wedding that you think her eyes will fall out. She does absolutely nothing to assist wedding plans and must be supervised by another daughter. Then she LOSES your wedding certificate! between the church and her car. The story changes several times but in essence she says that so many other people were drinking alcohol at the reception that someone must have drunkenly disposed of it. In spite of a complete absence of drunks at the wedding, the certificate being entrusted to her as mother-of-the-bride, and no sign of it in the clean-up. Subsequently, the priest has to make a statutory declaration that he actually married the pair of you in order to record the marriage.

I have to stop now, or I would be writing anecdotes all night.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2012 03:53AM by spanner.

Wow, your mom sounds like she was absolutely horrible to you. :(

you go to high school with a peanut butter sandwich in a paper sack and no lunch money because your father gave it to the church building fund to aggrandize himself.

your father buys a one bedroom house for a family of eight and converts the garage to two narrow and short bedrooms.

you have two barrels of weevil-infested wheat in the basement and a cow tongue in the refrigerator.

your bicycle gets stolen from the bishop's storehouse and no one's to blame.


all the above are real events that happened as written. You might just be a Mormon then. I sure was.

You have a secret change of clothing that are too sacred to talk about or show anyone.

And you probably keep them in a small travel bag ready to take with you on your visits to the special building where others like you will put them on for the night.

If you ask a Mormon, "If Mormonism wasn't true, would you want to know that?" and they say, "No."

You contribute 10% of your total income and you don't ask for a detailed accounting of how your money is spent.

...You are univited from a Cruise the parents bought for all their kids because the wife refuses to wear a swimsuit that is not a bikini...

...After said cruise, the parents tell you how spiritual it was having FHE in their mini-suite...

...You "Bless" every meal, no matter where you are.

...you openly mock people for shopping on the "Lord's Day".

...You feel extreme guilt buying a bottle of coke in a 3rd world country on Sunday, because someone in your party has gotten sick with montezuma's revenge.

...you blame yourself for not getting a promised answer to a prayer about a book you read (at 8 years old), and hated, but still you were supposed to get a testimony of the truth of it...and 20 years later you wonder why your life is hell.

...you search out any warm body that will marry you in the temple as soon as possible so you can release your pent up sexual energy.

...You believe that only you and those of the cult will be saved.

I could keep going on and on...

you don't feel "worthy" and you can cut the guilt with a knife...

You believe that having the name of "Jesus Christ" in the name of your cult (or church) actually makes you a christian church.