Fact: A less-useful truth.

Faith: The belief that if you sacrifice family time to give service, attend your meetings, and go to the temple often, you'll be rewarded with an eternal family in the next life.

Fall of Adam: Adam and Eve's admirable decision to disobey a commandment, which was part of God's plan all along. This disobedience brought mortality and sin into the world so that we might have joy.

Family: The basic unit of the church. Our Father in Heaven has in His wisdom established families consisting of fathers, mothers, and children. The purpose of the family is to support the LDS church.

Family History: The practice of gathering the names of ancestors, celebrities, and Holocaust victims for proxy temple ordinances.

Fasting: Going without food and water for a specified period of time so that you'll be more focused on spiritual things than on how hungry and thirsty you are.

Fast Offering: Money collected for the poor that is set apart from funds used to build shopping malls, hotels, and game reserves.

Fast and Testimony Meeting: The first Sunday of the month, members fast for at least two meals and then gather to hear children recite things their parents whisper in their ear and learn about the keys Sister Jacobs found after praying.

Father in Heaven: The father of all human spirits. He is not a spirit but an exalted man with a body of flesh and bones. He has revealed Himself to humans only when introducing Jesus or in animated Monty Python segments.

Father, Mortal: The priesthood holder who leads the family and presides, under the direction of his wife.

Feel: "To sense the promptings of the Spirit. See also Holy Ghost." (Note: This is a direct quote from the Guide to the Scripture. I am not making this up.)

Fellowshipping: The practice of befriending less-active ward members and bringing them baked goods until you find out they aren't interested in the church.

First Principles of the Gospel: Obedience. Also faith, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, and judging your worldly neighbors.

First Presidency: The presiding quorum of the LDS church consisting of the president of the church and his two counselors. They are to lead the church, conduct general conference, and clarify doctrines, such as establishing that black people are cursed because of things they did in the premortal life.

First Vision: 1) The visit of Moroni to Joseph Smith in 1823. 2) A later account of a spiritual experience Joseph Smith had when he was either confused about which church was right or had already decided they were wrong. In answer to prayer, Joseph was visited by a) God b), God and Jesus, or c) God and Jesus and numberless hosts of angels. As a result of the vision, Joseph was so severely persecuted that no one, not even his closest family members, could remember it.

Flood: 1) According to the scriptures, prophets, and apostles, a deluge that covered the entire earth, symbolizing its baptism, or 2) according to apologists, a local event that has been exaggerated by scriptures, prophets, and apostles.

Foreordination: The belief that we were chosen before birth to perform certain roles and tasks, such as buying forged documents and building shopping centers.

Forgiveness: The remission of sins through the Atonement. Conditioned on keeping all of the commandments, as reverting to a sin cancels previous forgiveness. Requires strenuous effort until one has become perfect; only then can one be sure that he or she is forgiven.

Fornication: A grievous sin, involving sexual intercourse with someone who is not your lawful spouse. Fornicators require a disciplinary council and may be excommunicated. (Note: Does not apply if your name is Joseph Smith.)

Free Agency: Freedom to choose how to live your life, though you'll be punished if you make the wrong choices.

Fullness of the Gospel. The whole of the gospel, contained in the Book of Mormon (see D&C 20:9). God has graciously given us more fullness in modern revelation.

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

I Esp like "The purpose of the family is to support the LDS Church." LOL!

I LOVE being technical/accurate/correct; Please don't let it piss U off (or On):

First Pres can & recently (my memory, anyway) had 3 counselors.

jst sayin'

I think you forgot one.

Female: The conduit, in human form, by which spirit children receive physical bodies. She may look like a person, but don't let that fool you. She's really just an incubator for all those spirits that are waiting for a chance at mortality.

Thanks for making my day AGAIN!

The only mistake Mormons are able enjoy.

You also forgot Fetch: the word used by Mormons instead of f**k. Because as a Mormon you don't swear. See also flip, fudge, freak, efff.

Minor suggestions:

Facts: 2) pejorative; referred to with noticeable disdain by apologists and anti-scientific blowhards as "so-called facts" in an attempt to dissuade the flock from accepting them. The number of stored, verifiable facts possessed in one's mind about the Church is inversely proportional to the effect that Heart Sell has on a member.

Family History:...2) a means of occupying the faithful's time so as to avoid encounters with (so-called) "facts" (see above).

Fasting:...2) a well-documented means of manipulating the malnourished participants while they're susceptible to suggestion.

First Presidency:...2) the highest priesthood body in the Church, equal in authority to the second-highest body known as "the Quorum of the Twelve", that did not exist in the days of the Apostles and yet was "restored" to the Earth in the 19th century in its Orwellian equal-to-but-more-equal form.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2012 03:42PM by beeblequix.

? what have You Done with G thru Z???

Haven't written them yet. No time today.

The Father, Mortal one cracks me up! You've made another winner.

I hope Amazon accepts them for Kindle...