Hi Everyone, need your advice, ugh i sound like a 7 year old, but I don't know how to make friends anymore. I have one close friend back in the UK but we don't talk much as both busy, I don't have anyone really here. since i got married the few girlfriends i had have moved away and on with there lives, i am sort of left with no friends to do stuff with, i have no one i can call and chat to or to go to a movie or the shops with i do this all alone every time for years.

It's weird cos i can be bubbly and ok talking to people I'm not shy per say but not the life and soul of the party, i don't know if this is an automatic front i put on, or just another side of me, but i know i can talk to strangers ok, but for some reason i can't seem to find anyone i click with or i don't really have any opportunities, i work full time and have too toddlers, so my time is spent at work, with the family or running errands.

Most people would suggest a mums group - but the thought makes me vomit in my mouth. Can't think of anything more annoying that sitting in a room full of women talking babies with their designer prams n stuff. i do get on better with guys or out spoken/straight up/ tom boy like girls, but i'm at a loss how to find any, and how to keep a friend when i am so busy. I live on the opposite side of the world to all my family who i am close to and only really have my husband and kids and the in-laws here. Ugh wish there was a dating site for friends lol

Sometimes I just feel so lonely, and everyone at works talks about what parties they are going to and events and stuff EVERY weekend when i'll be lucky to go to something once or twice a year. I just don't know what to do (sorry for the swan song).

Yours freaky loner.

Sorry just to add i had heaps of friends growing up in youth and ysa mainly guys though and the above described girls, i just don't know what happened it's like i lost my friend mojo or something :o|

I'm the same way, you described my life. Ever since I got married (and now I'm divorced) I've had a hard time making friends. I'm an introvert too and when I'm in the right atmosphere I can also be friendly and talkative, but I tend to be more reserved around strangers or people who I don't feel comfortable with. Anyway, I totally feel your pain. I don't really have any advice. I have tried things like meetup (a website where you can meet with people to do activities--the idea is to find people who enjoy the same activities as you). I've been to several of those but haven't clicked with anyone. And the nature of my job (I freelance and don't have a set of regular co-workers) makes it hard to get to know people that way. Sigh, I don't know what do either. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and to commiserate with you.

Oh, but I have been thinking about something lately, and I don't know if this is anything you have felt, but since leaving the church I find it hard to trust people (well my divorce didn't help with that either). Also, more and more I realize how Mormonism warped me and sometimes I feel like I don't really know how to relate to people and like I don't really know how to be authentic. I don't know, I just feel like a misfit.

I hope you can succeed in making new friends.

Hi roxy & fubecona,

One thing about Mormonism is that it is no place for introverts. Western culture has long championed extroversion over introversion, but Mormonism takes it to another level. There seems to be little room for the introvert in Mormon culture.

Rather than agonize about a lack of friends, perhaps it might be helpful to first learn more about being an introvert and come to accept it.

I spent my entire life until just recently loathing my introversion and hiding it very well from others. Not many even know of my introversion, even my wife and kids don't believe that I'm shy! I was that good at 'faking it'. But my faking came at an enormous cost, and quite frankly I don't want to do it anymore.

Read Susan Cain's "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking":

http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

Despite its flaws it is a very important book. Watch her TED talk and see what you think. The book has literally changed my perspective about myself and my introversion. I'm learning to accept that that's what I am, and quite frankly, I haven't felt freer and happier in all my life.

Perhaps friends will come more easily once you become more at ease with being an introvert. We're made to feel weird for it, but we're not. Friendships are easier when we are at ease with who we really are.

Good luck,

Human

Thanks Human! I've actually watched Susan Cain's TED talk numerous times but I haven't had a chance to read her book. I am starting to accept my introversion and see it as a strength although, most people don't see it that way. I'm often criticized at work for not being "enthusiastic" enough or "energetic" but they don't see how much effort I make each day to be more "outgoing." And I do a good job so I don't really see why it's relavant.

Lately, I have started to change my attitude and just embrace it. But that doesn't mean I never get lonely and I'd like to have one or two friends to hang out with (I don't need a lot, I prefer one-on-one anyway).

Thanks for your suggestions.

Wow totally understand. I have always been introverted but partied alot in college and was pretty social. Then i got married had a baby and gained 70 pounds. My social life and confidence vanished. I don't have one single close friend. A combination of my lack of trust; depression; and weight gain has made me feel like a loser.

You are married and you go to movies alone? Is this correct?

Am I wrong or was it not shown in another thread that Roxy is Mindlight undercover???

That would be interesting to show... since it's not true, I only have one username, and have been 100% honest in all my posts. maybe too honest I'm sure there are some people on here who could easily figure out who I am. Where was that accusation flung? I missed that and how on earth did anyone come to that conclusion??

I'm sorry Roxy, I came to a wrong conclusion because of the exchange between Anagrammy and Mindlight in this thread that you had started. It is probably because of my very imperfect English and I did not realized that you never answered that particular part of that particular thread. I appologize.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,643616,643616#msg-643616

apology accepted, wow I missed those added comments, so i couldn't defend myself! mindlight what on earth was you doing making it seem like that was correct??? and I am not a troll at all as those of you on the facebook group know. I see some of you still have the good old Mormon' say and it is so' mentality :P 'Make crap up without out proof'......'establishing things with no evidence only here'say' - good on ya guys a great way to alienate those you proclaim to be helping :(

I'm this way too so I can totally relate. If you live in northern Utah, let's hang out! (sounds like you may be in the UK though, or just from there?) I agree with you, I have no interest in hanging out with other moms even though I am one. The "mommy" clubs always annoyed me.

Thanks for all the feed back by the way, I am from the UK yes, but I don't live there anymore. i will definitely be reading that book, it's so weird all my life I thought i was an Extrovert until I realised that was a front, and I sit firmly in the introvert space now, I can so relate to whatever everyone has said! nice to know i'm not alone although a shame you aren't all where I live! :)

I'm with you. My introversion is so intense that it became disabling. I worked hard for three and a half decades, suffering increasing nervousity. Work confrontations became life threatening incidents that resulted in hyperventilation and loss of conciousness. I was actually hospitalized over a real nasty one.

I think there is a spectrum of introversion. Many people are introverted to varying degrees, and that's part of human nature. Mormons would have you be ashamed of inherent shyness, and I was given a rough time of it when I was very young. My advice is to be who you are and damn the torpedoes.

Recently, I moved from West Valley City to West Jordan.

So far, no mishies have bugged me and no one from the stake or ward or whatever has been by to visit.

The local Catholic church dropped off a flyer for a carnival but I have had no contact from the Mormons.

Did my goatee drive them off? My sun tea in the driveway? My beer while doing yardwork?

Maybe someone Ratted Me Out as being an introvert? A nephew has been diagnosed with Aspergers.

Caffeine and facial hair, the Morg can overcome. But being an introvert means that they will steer clear of you as a target for conversion.

Hi Roxy.
I know I'm a bit closer to where you are but not close enough :(. Unfortunately the church has a way of really knocking people's self-esteem and confidence. Its took me a long time to finally sit back and think, you know what? Im ok afterall. And you are too. Like a lot of working mums, Im a bit busy to have too many close friends and yes, they're hard to find, especially when first exiting. Seems you don't have much in common with 'normal' people at first, but it gets better. its much easier for me now that the children are older. When they're little they totally dominate your life (and rightly so). I think you sound like a really down-to-earth and lovely kinda girl. I have a younger sister who is a bit out there - very individualistic if you like. She taught me a valuble lesson when I confided how I just don't fit in. She said brightly and boldly: "Good for you! You're different! Celebrate it". I think she's right. :)

Generally the best approach is to find something you are very interested in and use that as a way to meet people.

Part of it is just the phase of life of having young kids.

One of the best things my wife & I have done is find people who enjoy board & card games and then invite them over for game night.

Thanks for posting this! I felt so alone with this problem - making friends as an adult - and was starting to feel like an anti-dote or something.

yeah i think it is harder as an adult as we have made ourselves more barriers and also busier etc. I guess as many of you mentioned a lot of it is to do with having young kids and just no time to do anything. I but on so much weight with my kiddies and that has shot what little confidence i had out of teh sky, i do go to the gym and try to eat better and it's coming off slowly, i guess i use food as a friend since i barely have any real ones. it's a tough battle.

I'm just in the middle of maybe moving jobs, i have been here for 3 years and love my team, i don't really socialise with them outside of work but i like talking to a few of them at work, and worry moving jobs will involve having to build all my working relationships up again too. I think once i'm settled maybe early next year i might try and find a community evening class i can do once a week or volunteer at the animal shelter or something - meet a few like minded people. i doubt i'll find any close friends but might be nice to chat to people with a similar interest.

Right now though i need to continue to loose weight to build my confidence and also see what happens with this new role and if i get it. i think that's enough for me to be dealing with this year. just must not turn to food when i am feeling down!