One of my neighbors here in the apartment building tells me he loves me. We have known each other for two years and he lives right across the hall from me. The problem is he doesn't actually speak English, just what I call restaurant English.

Because I can't really explain anything, and arranging dates and times for activities is a challenge...for example, I call him and say, "If you want to go see a movie, give me a call." The next day I see him all hangdog asking why he waited and waited and I never came home to go to a movie with him."

SOOOOO...here's my question. When I am visiting in his apartment having coffee, he takes every single phone call that comes in. He engages in long conversations in Amharic, his native language. Sometimes he leaps up and says, "I have to go do a favor for a friend, you need to go see your home."

I think this is extremely rude and this happens virtually every time I come over. If he were a regular American, I would call this rude, but maybe this is how women are treated in Ethiopia? Except some of his callers are women and he is quick to tell me they are not girlfriends.

Am I being irritable?

Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 01:55AM by anagrammy.

Hmmm. Your Ethiopian lovah sounds interesting. And no, I don't think you are being irritable, it would bug me as well. Otherwise, I got nothin.

Sounds like a headache, regardless of the underlying reasons. I think your reaction is reasonable, if not ideal--but then neither is the circumstance.

After doing a bit of reading I have come to the conclusion you may have a cultural problem.

First, Where he's from men are more important than women. It's common to go out in the city and see mostly men out and about. Why? Because they have the idea that home is where women should be, and the men should be outside doing whatever it is they're doing. The men will go out for breakfast together and leave the women home.

This may be his normal. Throw in a language barrier, and you've got trouble. You'll have to keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

I had the same thoughts as Mia. Place living in close proximity in a mixing bowl, add language barriers and cultural differences, stir and bake. Seems like a match not made in heaven. Maybe he's better off as an acquaintance. Hopefully he doesn't have a collection of wives like the guy you found online. :P

Sounds like a character flaw on his part... fishy, as well.

You deserve better - just write him off. Really!

He is being extremely rude, Anagrammy. And although he is quick to tell you that his female callers are not girlfriends, he isn't so quick to tell you that they are his aunts, cousins, sisters, etc., now is he?

If it were me, I'd cut him loose.

Players all act the same.

I am shocked that you are even entertaining the thought of being involved with this loser. You deserve soooooo much better than that! UGH!

Whether or not that's how women are treated in Ethiopia, it's not how women are treated in America, and I would tell him just that. It really is rude here, doesn't matter whether it is elsewhere or not. If he wants to date American women, he must meet their expectations.

If he can't even understand your explanation, or doesn't want to change, end of story.

I can understand why he (or anyone else) would love you, but his is a strange definition of love, imo. He may love you as much as he's capable of loving a lowly, less-than-a-man woman, but is that enough for you? It wouldn't be for me. I suspect he LOVES how you make him feel. Your kindness, your generosity, your wisdom, plus all of your other attractive qualities. You are bringing A LOT to the table. What exactly is he bringing to the table?

Thoughtlessness. Disrespect. Using his bull$#!+ passive-aggressive "why did you leave me waiting?" excuse when he knows damn well that he was the one who flaked off. I suspect it's based on what Mia's research found. Women in his culture are lesser-than and should be at home waiting at their man's beck-and-call for the moment he decides to show up and wants to interact with her. Does that sound like something you are interested in experiencing on a regular basis?

If he has lived in the U.S. for two years and does not understand very basic English, how does he get by? How can he possibly enjoy a movie in English if he doesn't understand even a simple message from you about returning a call to set up a time to see a movie.

Men will move heaven and earth when they are truly interested in a woman. Men who are users will make excuses and throw you table scraps of their time and expect you to be grateful.

IMO, you deserve so much more. With your gift for language and deep well of understanding, at a minimum, don't you want someone who can have a conversation where you are heard and understood?

If you want to be friends, lay out the ground rules and if he accepts them and honors them, then go see a movie or go to a museum or whatever. I would find it disheartening and exhausting to contort my wants and needs into a position to accept this man's version of "love."

Bottom line is that only you know what is best for you, but based on your snippet of this one interaction with him, two thumbs way, way down.

p.s. Without any particular man in-mind, you might want to write a list of must-have's, nice-to-have's and dealbreakers. If his behaviors fall in the dealbreakers category or he doesn't have qualities that are in your must-have's category, that makes it easy. The nice-to-have's are the gray area where you can be flexible.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 07:22AM by Surrender Dorothy.

Oh my Ana

I do not feel good about it at all. I don't think I could ever get over the differences in culture. I could try ... and I would ... but the toll it would take on me would be very high.
It is your feelings you would stuff
It is your view of women that could suffer
It is your view of self worth that would get shaken
Unless you became fluent in his language .. there would always be confusing situations, holidays, family interaction etc. Always.
Think thru it .. think thru it
He will not change dear heart..... and you know that
You KNOW and you cannot dull that enough to live freely


Did you really want to piss your family off that much??? ROFL

sry. I have briefly thought about dating again. It is nice to share experiences ... but are you really sharing the same experience or are you projecting yours?

Namaste and love dear Ana

btw .. I have dated outside my race/culture. Some dovetail wonderfully but some simply don't. Norms can be so very different and ingrained
btw - I might research his country and area's culture to learn more. Yep I like that idea



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 09:06AM by mindlight.

I dated a girl for a while, from another culture, who was always acting weird in obnoxious ways. I played it off as culture differences, since she was Russian. Later we got married, and as her English improved, I discovered she had deep psychological issues. She is now my ex.

What is sad, is that I worked with a Russian guy, before I started dating my wife, at the same place where I had met her. She had just started, and this guy was always complaining about not being able to meet Russian women. I asked him about the girl I later married, and he stated, "Oh she's cute, but something is wrong with her head." I just blew it off, because I was thinking with my little head.

Don't feel bad fcd, I have personally witnessed american men by the dozens completely lose the ability to use their 'big head's around Russian or Czech women. Something about them...I can guess it has to do with their natural platinum blonde, gorgeous natural good looks, plus the exotic accent. It renders men by the dozens completely helpless. Watch out for them eastern European women! They're powerful ! :-)

Dear Ana,

Your eloquence with the English language must be at least understood if not equaled by a suitor.

What do you see in him? You described what bothers you and those things would bother me too--IN A BIG WAY.

So what are the positives?

I married outside my culture (now divorced from Mr. Foreign Crazy) and will NEVER entertain that idea again. It is not for me.

Please consider the basic questions:
Is this a man I can share my hopes, ideas, and dreams with?
[Not if he can't or pretends not to understand you!]
Is this a man that shows me respect as a person?
[Not if he says, "Go home, I just a call and I am prioritizing and you fall to the bottom of my 'right now' list!"]

It is HIS job to impress you!!! [Thank you, R.J.!]

Sit back and if he does not impress you, leave it be. It seems like too much work right from the beginning.

Please keep us posted.

Chris

also, after further thought ...

financial matters would have to be fully investigated.
nuff said

hey - Why don't you pay for a FULL background check?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 09:41AM by mindlight.

If this guy treats you like this now what happens when he isn't putting on the dating show to impress you?

You shouldn't be treated that rudely by a 30 year spouse let alone some stranger.

Just use him for his body and stay single...have the best of both worlds and keep your eye out for someone better ;)

Don't get me wrong, unlike most people who have had a failed relationship with a foreigner, I am not opposed to the idea of dating foreigners again. I have known lots of people with cross cultural marriages, and while they can be tougher, they often succeed. That said, I have had a chance to look at them, from my own, and the marriages of friends I met through my ex-spouse, and I have a pretty good idea why so many of them fail.

Their is a tendency for people to put up with obnoxious behavior earlier in such relationships, because they think the person will change as they Americanize, or that it is just a cultural issue. You are doing this. It is a huge mistake. Jerks are jerks no matter what culture they are from, don't let language and cultural differences mask that they are jerks.

Not coincidentally, you realize that in places where Mormon missionaries baptize more people then is normal, it is often in foreign places where people have a high fascination with Americans, but do not know enough about them to realize they are being screwed. Don't be the little Japanese kid who gets dunked so he can play baseball in the American Club.

If this guy was a decent guy, he would be making just as much effort to understand your culture and to make adaptations to your needs, as you are to his. Don't waist your time.

My husband is from Poland, and some of his quirks that I had initially thought were cultural turned out to just be him. Nothing big enough to end our marriage, but something to think about when meeting or dating a foreigner. I have a cousin who was always extremely difficult to get along with. He married a German woman, and they have lived in Germany almost the whole time they've been together. I suspect that he gets along better there because people have different expectations of him as a foreigner. Also, he has mellowed out a little in his 30s.

1+ The guy's behavior likely will only get worse rather than better. I hope you hadn't developed a lot of feelings for him since it sounds like you're better off not getting into this relationship.

Since he's the neighbor across the hall you'll have to back off gently but firmly (try to keep good relation, so to speak, since you'll have a hard time avoiding the dude). Perhaps 'Let's just be friends' will do?

Annagrammy, I agree with forbiddencokedrinker. I have been to many countries in the world. Many! And this behavior is not a typical one in any country that I have visited. There most certainly could be cultural leaks in his behavior, but you have to ask yourself if this culture is something you want to grow to love, or if it's something you could live with. If so, you may be able to grow to love this person, you'll just have to wholly accept him as he is and just as he behaves now.

twojedis and I lived in a foreign country for several years and we realized that many customs that seemed rude and belittling were simply the way things were done. In fact, we began to see the beauty of why they did things that way. It was really just a matter of understanding their culture and not putting it under an American microscope.

My advice, however, does side with most everyone else here. I think it would be more wise to remain friends with this individual and find love somewhere else with someone who deserves you!

It kinda sounds like the dude is using his cultural/language differences to get away with things a local dude wouldn't /couldn't. I agree that he's a player. The whole telling you to go home when he gets a call is fishy. Plus turnabout isn't fair play when you are gone and he is mad about waiting on you.

By the way, if you're interested in African men, may I suggest that you take a look at the Kenya culture? The men are of course individuals, so you would have to look at his personality, but in California, there is a culture if men who immigrated from Kenya who are awesome. Many of them are entrepreneurs, their native music is SO awesome, and when they all get together they feast on goat. A rich culture to be sure! And I have met several who are just princes.

He doesn't seem that interested in you, if your description of his behavior is accurate.

"Look, this isn't working."

Don't sound like you are much in his life. There has to be some one or something better. Move on,,life is good,,

I don't care how many centuries of heritage there is behind it. It's disrespectful and does not speak well of him. I don't want to see a man treat a woman like that any more than I want those a woman wear a burqa.

I am sure in his culture, no matter how patriarchal, that when someone falls in love, that they feel the way we all did. That person consumes you. For at minimum ofsix months. When your lover leaves you in the living room while he goes into the kitchen and it feels like he went to another continent and the separation is unbearable, then, there is budding romance. Taking phone calls wouldn't even be considered.

His behavior puts this in the category of companionship for me, and it doesn't cut it in that arena either. You should not have to tie yourself in knots to excuse behavior.

How are you of all people going to survive lack of mental and emotional stimulation?

The third category is 'boy toy'. Self explanatory.

Dammit ! You made me google "Amharic".
Now my mind is cluttered by even MORE useless trivia !



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 12:34PM by Dave the Atheist.

One cultural problem here is that it is hard for you to scope out this person as an individual because you have no handle on the gestalt of his community. If you were to go to Ethiopia you might discover that after all, the guy is a creep as seen against the background of his perfectly normal countrymen. Get to know 10 or 20 people in the Ethiopian community here (or even online community) and you will more readily be able to see what sort of phenomenon he represents. Some of the behaviour you might write off as normal to his culture could just be his own personal boorishness.

Another thing, what kind of companion would he make for you. What would you talk about over dinner? You are an intelligent, articulate person. (He may be also, in his own language.) There will be a lot of interests and excitements in your life you can't share with him. That may not matter at first but in the long run you will get tired of stiffling yourself because he would not understand what the hell you are talking about. Also, in the absence of a strong common language, what completely mistaken conclusions might you two draw about each other's feelings and intentions?

I did once know a couple who spoke very little of each other's languages. They had been married two years. I spoke both languages and knew both cultures. In my opinion the wife had no idea who or what she had married, it was all projection. The relationship they had was all in her own mind. Fortunately they had no children.

So far, it looks like the people who love you, care about you, and protect you, are giving him a thumbs down vote. The overall consensus seems to be you deserve better. The idea that someone like you isn't being treated respectfully is a shocker. YOU, a person who is so respected here, are being treated less than by your neighbor.

I think we all feel a bit protective.

I recommend a vibrator. No cultural problems!

By the way, my daugher has a man from Ethiopia working with her in a professional job. She is his boss. He also had interuption issues like the ones you experienced. She had to address them. His comment to her, "I repect you as a married woman." He can't wrap his head around having a female boss.

I do not know enough about the culture in other areas specifically, but I do know clashes are common. I don't know how willing I would be to get involved. Keep us posted!

This reminds me of a cultural difference that can be experienced with Latin Americans.

Say you've agreed to meet someone at a specific time, and he doesn't arrive until an hour later. You ask what happened, and he says something like, "I was talking to a family member."

So, was he late for the appointment? He would say no, because his concept of time includes priorities for family matters. He took care of what was most important in his culture, and everything else is secondary. You as a foreigner might have some trouble with that, but he won't.

Was he rude? No. In fact, his culture considers him very responsible and supports his decision. It's only you, as one of those time-obsessed, money-grubbing gringos, who's the problem here.

So, when your neighbor says, "I have to go do a favor for a friend, you need to go see your home," is that because he's acing consistent with his customs back home? At the very least, he hasn't learned how to excuse himself in the U.S. with all kinds of profuse apologies because he just remembered that he promised to help out a friend, and he'll back back in touch with you just as soon as he can get the favor done.

I'd be concerned that he may not be very aware of cultural differences and possibly is not attempting to become "Americanized."