Ok, I decided to let it ride.....the fact that my son is turning 12 soon, and wants to get the p hood. I'm resigned to allow him to do that, but the one place I will not budge is the closed-door interview between him & the bishop.

My ex informed me that the interview is tomorrow, as he is the exec sec, and can schedule at will. I told him I will be there, and in no uncertain terms, is our son to be interviewed without his father or I present, in the room.

My ex is perplexed, and of course now his radar is up. I didn't say anything to him about why I feel this way, just that neither of our children will ever be interviewed alone, while they are minors.

He said he would, "let the bishop know". And then proceeded to ask me if there is something he should know about. I told him no, except what I said previously.

So tomorrow morning, I am going to be shaking inside, I'm sure. And I feel badly for my son, because surely he will be wondering. But the good thing is, that this is his first interview as a "youth", so there is no precedent that has been set. This IS the precedent.

I just need some thoughts......some words that are straightforward, but not completely jerky, for when the bishop gets upset or wants to try to convince me that this is perfectly appropriate.

(I'm already ex'd, so I don't have much to lose......but I need to maintain some semblance of dignity & don't want to be the crazy biatch......I want to be polite but firm.)


Any advice is appreciated very much.

Hi vulturetamer, glad you asked.

Is there some reason you cannot tell your ex that a young boy's first interview can include detailed guilt-inducing questioning regarding masturbation. Can you tell him that some men report lasting sex problems from such intense sexual questioning at an impressionable age?

If you and your ex can be on the same page, that would be very helpful. If not, then you as the other parent can make the request yourself and then just matter-of-factly tell the bishop that you do not want your son to be exposed to any discussions regarding his sexuality. You needn't use the M-word if that makes you uncomfortable. Your request is reasonable and should be honored.

Let us know how it goes and best of luck! Your son is SO LUCKY to have at least one parent who can show him what a loving happy person looks like when they are free to lead their own life.

Anagrammy

Thanks, Anagrammy.

I would be naive to think I could talk to my ex abt this, but I may give it a shot anyway. I just remembered that my ex is an adult convert. He might not have a solitary clue what gets asked in these interviews. So on that count, it seems reasonable to mention it to him.

And at the same time, he's such an arse, that he would poo poo me because he hates confrontation, he hates making waves, and would never, ever cross the bishop. It's so much easier to make me the bad guy even if he agrees, deep down.

Anyway, I'm willing to give it a shot, but he will let me take the fall. Which I guess I'm good with, because I am going to take it one way or the other.

Thanks for the encouragement. :)

> Anyway, I'm willing to give it a shot, but he will
> let me take the fall. Which I guess I'm good
> with, because I am going to take it one way or the
> other.

vulturetamer, you are not taking the fall

You are standing up for your kid!

I wish someone did that for me before I went into that interview when I was a kid. I left feeling dirty and violated for having to talk to someone I always thought was so holy about something like that. Never in my wildest dreams would that have happened. What's worse is when I said no he didn't believe me and said it was normal & even he used to do it. That was the topper for me....super bad image in my mind...creepy creepy sick

Remember, once he has had the images placed in his mind, once he has had that barrier broken down, he is more vulnerable to being abused. It is a form of grooming that pedophiles do with their victims and even though it is a bishop with a "lofty" purpose, he is STILL breaking down barriers which are GOOD and which need to be there.

I would like to add that a casual attitude on your part goes a long way to diffuse things. It is best, if at all possible, to tell your son that he is not to allow anyone to touch him in his private zone (which I am sure you have already taught him) and you want to remind him as he is getting older that it is also wrong for grownups other than parents to talk to him about his sexuality, EVEN a bishop, a boy scout leader, etc.

When you spread it out like this--ANY ADULT MAN OR WOMAN-- it makes it less embarrassing for him and less anti-Mormon. This is just basic protection for any child.

Let us know how it goes :) and you are our poster mother for PROTECT THE CHILDREN!

Anagrammy

You will be fine. All you have to say is that your son's physical, emotional, and spiritual development is your responsibility, not his. And you regard ex-husband's eagerness to surrender his parental duties to a cult as a serious failing in his moral character. In light of that, you will be supervising this encounter to ensure that no unacceptable questions about junior's thoughts or actions are posed. Add that you are fully prepared to use civil law to reinforce the fact that no adult should ever be alone in a room asking junior questions of a sexual nature

Good luck, you will do fine!

Stick to your guns! Advise your son that he can decide which questions he will answer, that he doesn't have to answer any questions that make him uncomfortable and that you will support his refusal. Role play a refusal scenario with him. He needs to know that he has the right to set boundaries with adults. But he also needs to know that the Bishop may pull rank.

B: "Do you observe the law of chastity? Do you touch yourself?"

Son: "I'm not comfortable with discussing this area and I don't think it has any bearing on my worthiness to receive the phood."

B: "I'm the Bishop and I decide what is appropriate."

Son: "I'm not comfortable with discussing this and ....."

B: "If you don't answer, I can't approve you receiving the phood."

Son: "I'm not comfortable discussing this area of my life and ...."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 11:43AM by caedmon.

My only suggestion is to have the mother, who is present, stop the question before the son answers.

Bishop: "Do you observe the law of Chastity; do you touch yourself?"

Mother: (interrupting) That is an inappropriate question for you to be asking. Do not ask such questions of my son.

Clear communication with all parties seems like the appropriate course of action. You should make sure your son is aware of your objections and that it's never okay for an adult to question and discuss his sexual behavior.

Echoing what's already been said, I'd let the bishop know that questions of a sexual nature will not be tolerated. Remember, though, that most bishops are normal people who honestly don't want to make those invasive, inappropriate queries. You're objecting to church policy, not making blanket accusations against all church leaders.

Good luck. I hope everything goes well for you and your son.

Postpone the meeting if necessary.

Write out your requirements, making a formal objection to the bishop proceeding with your minor child and prohibiting this. Send it to the B by registered mail. Say you will take legal measures. Some attorney here can chime in.

Before the meeting demand a list of the the exact questions the B will ask, for your approval. In turn, give him a list of topics he is not to broach with your son, even with you present. Before and after, tell your son there is nothing special about this man. Your son will be confused about the double messages but confusion is much, much better than leaving him without psychological or intellectual defenses to this moronic dog and pony show.

I completely agree that you have every right to be in the room. If this isn't allowed for whatever reason the next best thing is to prepare your son for the interview and let him know what's coming.

I know if it was my son (thankfully my wife and I are both out of the church) I would tell him to answer any questions about masturbation by simply saying something like the following:

My father/mother and I have talked about this and I meet the requirements for good moral standing. That's all I will say about this and further questioning in this way will be considered abuse.

Stand up for your rightd.
NO WAY I would allow my children to be intreviewed 1 on 1 with an adult.
I allowed this when my children were growing up but not now under any conditions.

Having a parent present during the interview not only protects the child, but it also protects the bishop doing the interview from being falsely accused. I can only assume the reason the church does not require a parent present is because it takes power away from the bishop.

Here are a couple of sample letters to the bishop in discussions on this topic. You are doing the right thing!

http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/discussions/viewthread/30052/
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,304106,387059#msg-387059

The bishop is required by the LDS church to ask certain worthiness questions. IMO these questions are reasonably harmless if asked word for word.

However it's when the bishop attempts to expand/expound on these that you run into problems.

For example the bishop is supposed ask:
Are you morally clean?
Do you live the law of chastity?

Then your son answers yes or no. As long as the bishop leaves it to that, it's not horrid. If the bishop tries to go into any more detail than that, then simply state that your understanding is that is all the church requires he ask and that you will as a parent work with your child to understand what those things mean.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 06:56PM by bc.

Wow.....thanks you guys!!! I appreciate all the responses & food for thought. I went to the meeting this morning, and both his dad & I sat in with him.

The bishop was nice enough, and said, "mom & dad are here to support you". And then he also said that "this interview is the same one I always give to every young man turning 12". It was relatively benign. I was pretty nervous, and was waiting for the hammer to drop, but it never did.

He did say that this is my son's choice, and that if he decides to get the phood, then he will need to meet with him to get some info for when he presents my son in front of the congregation next week. He has a tradition to tell something fun abt the kids, their interests, etc, when introducing them. But I will be at *that* meeting, too. Because I will not allow an opportunity for any "other" questions to be asked.

Also, I will be empowering my child with some responses if he should ever get asked, without my presence. I remember as a youth leader, that we would have the bishop or other counselor try to "save time" by pulling the kids out of YW or TM for their temple baptism trips interview, or bday interview. On the off chance that happens.....my kid will be prepared.

What a relief that will be, to both me & my kids, to have them prepared with something to say, should they ever be asked!!! I feel kind of *duh* for not thinking of it myself, but I'm sure thankful for the support found here!

We will see how this whole thing shakes out by next week......will return & report.

I have a friend who won't come forward with his own history of dealing with the follow up aftermath from when a LDS youth's parents didn't establish firm boundaries with their kid's Bishop. In my friend's case it's caused him a lot of issues in his marriage as it was a catalyst to him un-TBM-ing and his wife is still TBM. I don't blame him for not coming forward because it would only cause more problems for his marriage. And none of it is his fault so I certainly don't judge him.

Well friend was in charge of a branch for young adults where many of them lived out-of-state away from their parents. One of his young adults (hereafter referred to as "YA") came in to him one day saying they needed some help. When YA was under 16 their Bishop had interviewed YA and many other youth in the Ward and had gotten some revelations on new marriage sealings. Well in short these so-called revelations required him to do hands-on sexual molestations. All would've been better off for the church if they had responsibly made sure that all youth interviews were done in the manner you've proscribed for your son. But instead of fixing the problem and making sure the Bishop was brought to justice they just quietly ex'ed him and sent a GA to the Ward to cover up the mess. In fact some of the parents didn't even know about it, including the parents of YA now talking to my friend.

YA asked friend for help to get on the path to healing, recovery and being able to move forward in life with faith. YA wanted to talk to their parents and asked friend for help. So friend called both dad/mom but dad wasn't home but agreed to quickly get home so an important call would take place. In the meantime my friend called the church's hotline for help on situations like this and ended up repeating nearly verbatim to a GA what the YA had told friend. About 10 minutes later the 1st Counselor in the First Presidency Thomas S. Monson called friend personally and told him to not let YA talk to parents. Friend disobeyed and let the conference call he had agreed to facilitate for YA proceed. In follow up the parents called the cops and the ex-Bishop finally got a proper investigation and eventual conviction. However Monson was pissed and instructed the Q12 Acting President Packer to proceed with excommunication for my friend which Packer agreed to do so in a Q12 meeting. However one of the Apostles who knew about the coverup told the rest of the Q12 that he warned them about the outcome of this coverup would eventually be a delayed impact and that he agreed with my friend and that they should ex him too if they ex'ed my friend. As a result the Q12 decided to NOT ex my friend but he was soon released from his calling in aftermath of this event. However none of the Q12 (Eyring was the jr. member then) at that time to this date has ever faced the music for their own dirty coverup.

My 12 year old daughter was asked about masturbation by the bishop. She had no idea so we had to have the talk. Her response after wards was that it's creepy the bishop would ask that.

A creepy worthiness interview may have helped my daughter decide to get out. Right around 14, she started refusing to attend. The bishop's secretary kept calling the house and asking to set up an interview. I asked her once and she said NO WAY. I told him no, but he kept insisting he should be able to ask her and her sister himself. I finally told him that I would never force them to talk to him or be interviewed and he should not call back. Not long after that, I finally got out myself.