A woman I work with was diagnosed with a rather nasty but survivable cancer last fall. She had the tumor removed, went through radiation and other than having trouble keeping her weight up, was doing very well. Yesterday she went back to the doctor for a follow-up, hoping for the all clear and instead was told the cancer is back and they are going to have to do the whole thing again. I got a call from another work friend whose desk is next to mine last night, relating the news. This friend is close with the co-worker and was just devastated. I hardly knew what to say to her, much less to the co-worker who said she is going to work the rest of the week and begin her treatment on Monday.

Having grown-up LDS, a lot of what I normally would have said now look like insensitive platitudes. But I can't not say anything because I know we'll probably cross paths because even though she works in another area of the office, we all seem to bump into each other and she'll know everyone has heard the news. What do you say? I want her to know I believe in her - that's she's strong enough to overcome this but things don't look good and even if they did, it stinks to have to go through all that surgery, chemo and radiation again. Someone tell me what is appropriate and supportive in this situation please!!

"I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. Remember that I'm here for you and hoping for the best."

A close friend of mine developed an inoperable brain tumor and when she told me, she said, "Don't tell me anything about herbs, positive thinking, or treatments available in other countries. I don't want to feel like I didn't do something that could have saved me. I have enough regrets as it is.

After that, all I choked out was, "I am so sorry..."

So I'd go with what Cheryl suggested. She is the Emily Post of this board :)


Anagrammy

(except maybe for the proper stance while holding a hose on missionaries)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 10:16PM by anagrammy.

+1 for Cheryl's reply.

Ask if there's anything you can do for her, then do it.

Things that were helpful to me:
My neighbor made me a sack lunch in the morning and dropped it off to me on her way to work. This was while I was in radiation.
People drove me to my daily radiation appointments.
One thing you might not think of, but it felt so good, and I couldn't do, was a lady came over and changed my sheets for me once a week.

My husband and I never do puzzles, but while I was sick we did a ton of them. It was a nice distraction. I passed them on to the waiting room in the radiation dept. They're the ones who got me started. You might want to give her a puzzle to two to put together.

I would add to Mia's list:

If there is anything that she does at work that can be physically taxing, even filing because you have to stand and bend, offer to help out with it. I'm having that problem right now. I have herniated disks and filing is a real bitch, but I feel that I'm imposing if I ask someone for help.

As a person who is now fighting breast cancer for the 2nd time, I can tell you what NOT to say, things that have been said to me. Don't say, oh honey, you need to accept the fact that you are going to die and you are going to die and we need to cut your hubby out of the will. I kid you not.

That being said, I do appreciate people telling me they are thinking of me. I just appreciate thoughts from the heart - please just don't tell me I'm going to die soon. We are all going to die someday.

BTW - my cancer is highly curable even though it has come back. I expect to survive - at least until I die of something else.

My best positive thoughts and good wishes are with you.

I agree with your advice.

I'd also say to never tell patients they'll learn valuable lessons from their disease unless they voice that idea first and ask for ideas on that subject. Also, don't tell them they did something to cause the breast cancer or that they somehow deserve it over someone else for any reaseon. Don't say they are lucky because they have it so much easier than someone who had more surgery, more radiation or who had chemo when they didn't.

Honor their choices and accept their situation without judging them.

thank you Cheryl and Mia. The funny thing about having cancer is meeting up with all the survivors. They seem to come out of the woodwork and share positive stories and bring you good books to read. I agree with your comments too. Thanks for sharing.

Let me add to that....

Don't tell all the horror stories of all the people you know who died of cancer. That is not helpful. I can't begin to tell you how many people did this. One neighbor I had would tell about her friend that died from breast cancer every time she saw me. It was depressing.

If you know an encouraging story of someone who came through it well, that story is ok to tell.

One of the things that meant the most to me as the caregiver (not the patient) was when collegues dropped of monthly "care packages." AMAZING "reheatable dinners," seasonal decorations, once there was even a couple of skeins of yarn and a scarf pattern (I knit).

My late husband (the patient) loved flowers and plants being delivered to the house.

We both really appreciated people stopping by for brief visits (call ahead, of course).

YMMV

I would also suggest you not say "If there is anything I can do, just give me a call". Most people will not call and ask for help. ASK, if you can come do laundry, vaccuume, bring some meals. I know being a caregiver myself of a severly disabled child, people tell me all the time, let me know if I can do anything. I would never ask for help. I would feel like I'm imposing. However, if someone offered to come hang out with my daughter so I can run errands or just get a break, that is totally different. Well wishes for your friend.

when one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer soon after i had become an atheist, i found great comfort in doing things for her, rather than trying to pray it away. making food was a big part of it.

also, i found that since there were so many people offering help to my friend, where my efforts were needed more was with her partner. her lot was almost as difficult as the one with cancer. by supporting the partner, i was able to give assistance in a way that few others recognized, but was greatly needed.

One of my co-workers is going through this... she's a trooper, and by what she says (via global email) the prognosis doesn't sound positive.

Yet, I have absolutely no idea what to say to her. When we cross paths, I suppose it's the elephant in the room. I don't know her well enough to just jump into conversation and offer help, but I feel awkward just ignoring it. I'm concerned about her thinking I'm feeling sorry for her.... yet on the other hand (I've heard) ignoring it can be painful, too. So, I dunno.

How about saying,"Heard you're having a challenge. Good luck to you."

Or, "You're a trooper and I'm rooting for you."

One other thing came to mind. It would have been great if I could have given someone a grocery list and they did the shopping for me. There were many times I wasn't up to it, and ordered pizza for dinner. That got old really quick.

Peapod saved my sanity. it's a company that delivers groceries. I would just go online, fill up my "cart" and the next day it would show up in my kitchen.

I had a coworker who was diagnosed with cancer of one of her glands in her throat area (I can't remember what it was called now).

She was very upset about it, even though it was highly treatable. Still very scary.

When she announced it we were all saying, "I'm so sorry." I added, "let me know if there's anything I can do." After that we'd ask periodically how things were going, what the doctors said. A couple months later she had an operation and was out a couple of weeks. We sent flowers and a card. She recovered nicely and everything went back to normal.

Outcast Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I had a coworker who was diagnosed with cancer of
> one of her glands in her throat area (I can't
> remember what it was called now).
>
> She was very upset about it, even though it was
> highly treatable. Still very scary.
>
>
I'm guessing thyroid (given the location).

I concur with everyone else. Express your concern and offer concrete help.

Keep your eyes and ears open. If you see or hear a need, just do it, if it's not intrusive. Might need to ask first.
Ask how they are doing and....Be willing to listen.

It doesn't have to be cancer. People have dozens of different kinds of physical problems, diagnoses, etc.

<<Having grown-up LDS, a lot of what I normally would have said now look like insensitive platitudes.>>

CA Girl, I know what you mean. Pretty much anything I might have said before becoming an atheist amounted to:

"Jesus gave you cancer for a reason. You just need to figure it out."

I think you should be honest with her like you were at the end of your post. You believe in her and her strength, and you're sorry she has to go through all the chemo again. I'm sure she'll appreciate your candor. She'll be getting enough "everything will be alright" and "I'll be praying for you."

You can be the one who isn't afraid to be a human being about it.

One guy at church asked me what I did to deserve getting cancer.

The Stake president told me that God must really love me to give me so much suffering.

I told him if that were true, I wanted God to immediately stop loving me. That is NOT love. Anyone who thinks that is warped.

He looked so surprised. I don't think he was used to people not agreeing with him.

Ask her how she is doing today, then truly listen to the reply.

It helped to be able to talk about how I felt to someone who was willing to listen, rather then hear everyone's advice about this or that "cure" or about thier aunt Sofie's cancer.

Keep it honest, positive, and offer support.

I'm just coming off a 1.5 year remission and starting a clinical trial this month. I have CLL.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 05:45PM by sloperut.

Ditto what Cheryl suggested.

Something Not to say, as my neighbor said the day I pulled my white van on the way home from the children's hospital, hate speech, that she (my daughter) got the tumor because of racial mixing. Somehow she determined (in her special immigrant form to Cali from another local in the united states via military assignment and unfortunately she decided to stay)that a blond man is racial mixing when married to an olive skinned hazel eyed person. What did Hitler say to Musselini about all those Italians? How did she miss that? (as an immigrant white supremist?)

That's a really special thing not to say. Another zinger is anything about the prexistance postulating a special hell one earned on earth by being too bad, OR too good. That doesn't help. That's coming at me from the ward members, and my thoughts were all too confused processing- part of why I landed here. I couldn't believe them, their mormon labels for pain and suffering were too negative and even more unfair thinking a loving God would throw especially nice people to the wolves (kind of survival of the fitest in reverse?)

I think Cheryl's got it down. Talk like her. Myself I will memorize what she suggests today.

She might need rides to medical appointments at some point, you could let her know that you are available for that if she ever needs it. That is one thing that my mom needed when she was facing cancer.

My dad has a terminal cancer which has recently become much worse. This is probably going to be a difficult year... The best thing to say is to ask how she's feeling and are there any specifics that you can help her with (like give her your phone number so she can call you on a day when she's too sick to let the dog out or load the dishwasher). Other than that, just let her talk.
Never say things like, "God has a plan." Every time my mom says that I just want to slap the sh!t out of her.

about it and acknowlege the cancer. It seemed like some people didn't even mention anything to me, it made me feel like they didn't really care.

Sometimes a person doesn't know what to say so they say nothing. Just a simple, "sorry" is better than being silent.

I know I have cancer so by not saying anything about it doesn't make it go away.

No need to offer favors of food or driving and housework to casual aquaintances, but just a simple "good luck" or "I hope everything goes well" can lift a cancer patient's spirits.

At work, there are a lot of people that we deal with and a lot that we do not know at all.

My general rule of thumb is, if the person is not close enough to let me know that they have cancer, I keep out of it.

If they are close enough to talk with me about their situation, I generally offer the tried and true "So sorry to hear that. If there is anything I can do, just let me know."

While very sick with a lengthy illness, I had a neighor who called me when she was heading out to the grocery store to ask what I needed. That made it much easier to ask for a few things that I would never have asked for if she'd just told me to call if I ever needed anything.

If they value your friendship enough to trust you with this devastating news, then you owe it to them to first, keep their confidence. Then tell them you will offer whatever support they may need while getting treatment and beyond.

Ron Burr