Somewhat regular poster -

So here is my dilema. Wife still a TBM but on her terms. Kids on their way out slowly but surely, I have peace and can live my life. But here is my question.

Why can't she stop spending money? All the kids are in school, she sits around and does nothing all day except shop, watch tv, and nap. She lost interest in school, does not want to work, just goes to the temple every week, and does stuff with her friends.

How do I tell her to either get a job, or go to school, or at least keep the house clean?

She admits she is depressed, will not see a therapist, and I do not know how to fix it.

She is burning hundreds of dollars a month just going out to eat!

I am going crazy trying to figure it out.

You cannot fix the depression without professional help for her. You can talk to her doctor about it, or your health care professional to get some ideas. Her actions are examples of someone suffering from depression.

"Burning hundreds of dollars a month" is not something that should continue. Take away her charge cards or debit cards and let her know you are serious about her spending the family into debt.

She needs help. It is up to you to act to help her. It won't be easy if she refuses help, but that is the option for you if you want to keep your family finances intact.

When her depression puts the family finances in jeapordy than it is time to take action, not to mention doing something that will help her through this depression.

Don't hesitate. Call someone tomorrow. Nobody knows the depth of depression or where it can take the person who is suffering from it.

Take care and let us know how you both are doing.

Any good therapist will tell you that you cannot change anyone's behavior but your own. When you change your responses, often the other person will need to change what they are doing as well.

So...what Liz said, X's 1000. Protecting your finances may be one of the things that forces her hand in seeking treatment.

Definitely sounds like depression and could stem from one or many things going on. Consult with a therapist is in order. Even if *you* are the one who goes to gain insight and support.

My best to you!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2013 11:00PM by Susan I/S.

that is tough.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2013 08:17PM by icanseethelight.

My wife's out of control spending drove us into bankruptcy. If I had it to do over I would have taken her name off our joint checking account and closed all the joint credit cards and opened new accounts in my name only. I would have given her a cash allowance for groceries and paid for everything else myself.

The only way you can protect yourself is to get her name off your accounts. If you want her to have a credit card you can add her as an authorized user. That way if she abuses the card you can call and unauthorize her. Because we had joint accounts I was unable to stop my wife from running up a massive amount of debt in my name as well as hers. I will NEVER have a joint bank or credit card account with anyone ever again.

Some months my wife spent over $2000 on food and dining. If I refused to go out to eat she would still bring home something for me. Every time I tried to talk to her about her spending she would become angry and spend even more the next month.

Protect yourself. Close all joint accounts.

As I understand it, if you're married, your assets, (whether in a joint account or not) are her assets, and her debts are your debts. She can open her own accounts and you're on the hook.

I truly wish someone could correct me, as I also have a wife who's primary recreation is shopping.

Your understanding is incorrect. If she has credit card debt the creditors can only go after her income to collect. They can't go after your income unless you deposit your checks into a joint account.

The place where creditors can go after something that is your is if it owned jointly. If you have your house or automobiles owned jointly then they may be able to go after those items.

I would sit down with her and work out a reasonable budget that includes money for groceries and everyday houshold items, and also some spending money for her. Make budgeting and bill-paying a joint responsibility. If she wants to use her weekly spending money to eat out, so be it. But make sure that she is aware that she must make that work within a set budget.

If she continually goes overboard with spending, remind her, "this is the budget that we both worked out and agreed to." If she can't get her spending under control, warn her that she will be put into a position of having money doled out to her.

I tend to do better when I have savings goals. I move money from my checking account into my savings account. After paying my bills, I have a much truer idea of what my discretionary income is. So you might try doing that with her -- pay the bills and move money to savings. Let her see that the amount that is left is not endless.

The short answer is you can't change her.

One thing you could attempt to do is sit down together and agree on a budget. However, I don't know if she would be willing to do this or not.

I like Summer's comments on the money, although I might be firmer with the assumption that if your wife is seriously depressed she won't be able to manage the money even if she wants to.

Make a doctor's appointment with your wife, take her to it and tell the doctor what is going on. She should have a thorough physical and labs. Her doctor can determine whether or not their is an underlying medical problem to the depression (possible), prescribe an antidepressant (if you wife is willing),and refer to a therapist. The doc will carry more weight in this situation than you will.

If you can afford it, get someone to come in to give the house a good cleaning to lift your spirits as well as to unburden your wife.

Living with depression is frustrating and frightening for spouses. I'm sorry you are both going through this.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2013 11:51PM by robertb.

Thanks. She told me again to ight she has no desire to go to school. It is frustrating.

She has a budget or 2000 a month for gas and groceries. It started at 1200. She goes over by at least 500 every month. It's exhausting.

primarily a goal an adventure worth waiting for- not less joy, more. so if shopping or foodie is the joy- then, if you could, I don't know what you think about it, but, however, if you can, re-direct half the foodie budget to a last minute (cheaper ifyou buy in the last week my sister in law just did that) room on a cruise ship- get away and let everyone serve you every meal. sisterinlaw on a boat between seattle and alaska right about today! talk about a much needed, and com fort a ble- get away!!!
so if you spend 2000, spend 1000 in one sacrifice month, add two hundred dollars and you got two cheapie week long cruise last minute tickets! with a room with a view too!! Why not!
Add something.

the arithmatic may not be so automatic. however, everyone doing it does better at it.
add something
before you take away

do not take away life style pain- sponges- ADD pain sponges! aaaah!

yeah itd be more fun. That's (insert name here) budgeting for everyone


add joy don't take away joy
then there's the law of substitution,heard about that in arthimatic. substitute in some surprising joy adventure treat wow for every duty or change or difficulty you add.Substitute in spades- radical substitution is called for here.
And this can be done.

ps this makes life not only more fun for the partner but also for you, its a budget re arrangement through joy substitution & where finding life's joy again is pretty stubborn pursuit flippin one spendin for another
oh but life is worth it

that's my opinion. last thursday, for me its a ride thru moonlight across sierrra foot hill cattle ranch even on my last tank of gas- just do it. find that joy that difference that amen alelujah and substitute it.