Hi,

You might remember me. I posted last week about being completely nauseated by the temple and sure that, whatever that was, it was not of God in any way and it had thrown so many questions in my path. Since then I have done voracious reading about the temple ceremony and also other stuff like the Book of Abraham and yeah, other stuff confirms what my gut was trying to tell me.

Since the temple I have been absolutely filled with anxiety. I sometimes feel like it's eating me alive and that I have to do something positive and make a decision re: my standing in the church to make that go away. I really wasn't sure what my purpose at church would be any more so I decided to look at it rather brutally and I've come to a decision. Here are the facts:

I have a calling but the other two counsellors hang out with each other and their kids (I have no kids) all the time and they make all the decisions together on what the lessons and actitives are, without me. My presence is basically not required as it is, heh, but I know that's not a problem as somebody else will be called anyway.

There are folks I am friendly-ish with but I don't have what I could call friends at church. I can go from Sunday to Sunday without seeing another LDS person aside from specific activities to do with my calling but I hear all the time that everyone else hangs out with each other outside of that. To be honest, I do find the LDS church to be hideously clique-y at times.

I'm not saying that to start a pity party. My fairly insignificant social standing at church never really bothered me as I have my own great (non LDS) family, really good (non LDS) friends and boyfriend, and lovely (non LDS) co-workers who all respect and include me. My social and "belonging" needs are actually met anyway and I'm, religious anxiety aside, happy with my life as it stands.

All of the above does, however, illustrate what I want to say quite neatly: if the church is not true (which I now believe it isn't) and I'm not getting any social or community benefit out of it (which I'm not) and I don't have any family pressure to stay (I don't) then it seems sensible to disengage... there doesn't seem to be anything keeping me there. The idea of leaving does, ridiculously, tug at my heart strings though.

I understand that I am extremely fortunate in that everyone who really matters to me is not LDS so this doesn't actually have life ruining potential, but I'm still sad that I believed in a complete hoax for so long and that I don't know where to go from here to try and right my life again by putting it all behind me.

So, good folks of this board... where do I go from here now I've decided to leave? Can y'all tell me what my options are, or point me to somewhere good that I can read up on it? Ideal scenario: I'd like to disengage and never be bothered again but I'm totally aware that this is probably living the dream and the entire ward will suddenly (pretend to) give a crap about me if I disappear.

Can someone tell me what the worst that is likely to happen if I just, say, stop turning up? If this is the worst idea ever, alternatives? How do I do this gracefully, or is there no way?

Thank you for reading! :)

send a resignation email to dodge. decline speaking with the local leaders about your decision.

Yeah, that.

Just resign and don't answer any questions about it.

----------------

The problem is all inside your head" she said to me

The answer is easy if you take it logically

Just slip out the back, Jack...Make a new plan, Stan...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A

I've always found this website interesting. It shows the older form of common Craft Lodge Masonry that we used to--more or less--practice before 1990. Naturally, it had been changed to somehow reflect Mormons' take on God. The experience you had has been greatly watered down since 1990. But if I were looking at this Freemasonry site back before 1990, I would have really been surprised at the similarities.


http://www.ephesians5-11.org/handshakes.htm

I should have explained that it shows the penalties we used to do for revealing the tokens of the priesthood, simulating slitting our throats ear to ear for revealing handshake #1 (1st token of AP), having our hearts ripped out (handshake #2, 2nd token of AP), and having ourselves disemboweled (handshake #3, 1st token of MP, "patriarchal grip" or "sure sign of the nail").

You get to see the "Five Points of Fellowship," also discontinued in 1990 because a man (God behind the veil) would slide his knee up the thigh of a woman coming through the veil--some guys got a little to excited and there would sometimes be a 6th point of contact.

"Present him at the veil and his request shall be granted." (The patron then speaks with the Lord upon the Five Points of Fellowship through the veil.) It was awkward, at best.

Also notice how in this sect of Freemasonry, the last two handshakes are different, possibly because Smith had to make them associated with the crucifixion of Jesus, hence "the sign of the nail" and "the 'sure' sign of the nail.

There's no point in talking to any of them. They'll only tell you that Satan is working really hard on you, now that you've gone through the temple.

One thing that really bothers me about the LDS Church is that they take away the adult in you.

Suddenly we become just like little children. We're afraid that they'll be mad at us, disappointed in us, we'll get into trouble, or they won't leave us alone.

Part of leaving the LDS Church is finding the adult in yourself again and realizing that you're the captain of your own life. The Church isn't.

Don't ask. Just tell them that you're done, that you don't need to discuss it and that you expect your choice to be respected. You can do it politely, but with Mormons, you do need to be firm and not waiver in any way. They back off when their niceness isn't working and swaying you their way.

Definitely resign. That tells them that you mean business and you'll feel wonderfully free afterwards.

The temple freaked me out, but it still took me 20 years to get out. You're so lucky to have the internet now. I didn't know there was material out there to help me know the real truth.

I wish you the best of luck in your new journey. Think of it as an adventure of discovery.

The best thing you can do to get them to leave you alone is to resign your membership:

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

That eliminates most of the unwanted contact, or at least it did for me.

Other than that, it's very unnerving to realize that we were fooled. I think I'm a pretty skeptical guy, but this religion had me chasing my tail for decades. I see it now as a valuable lesson. I'm a lot less likely to get caught up in groups that are a little too good to be true or too tight-knit, and I think it's important to know a group's history, and I pay more attention to little things and to what my gut is telling me.

You're lucky to be able to cut and run without the guilt or pressure from your family. We went for several years after our temple experience, trying to exit gracefully while causing the least amount of drama in my family. (DH was a convert so his family wasn't an issue.) It probably would have been easier to rip that Band-Aid off all at once.

You don't owe these people anything. Send in your resignation and avoid all contact. They may try to love bomb you, they'll try to talk you into coming back to the church. Keep firm and keep repeating your request for No Contact.

As for moving forward, find a new activity for Sundays. Go to the zoo, a coffee shop, museum. Keep busy. And congratulate yourself for figuring it out so early!

Leaving Mormonism left a whole and we are trying to fill it. So instead of going to the church on Sunday's we often go to the Zoo or Children's museum now. Our kids like that so much better. When you stop going to church my guess is that at first nothing will happen after skipping about 3-4 Sunday's in a row they will call you and then the unannounced visits start and the plates of cookies at your door step and let's not forget the banana bread.
Sorry you are going through this for me leaving Mormonism was painful I had a lot of random tears. For me it was almost like without Mormonism I wasn't special anymore but that of course is not true, it only shows how I thought my knowledge of heavenly fathers plan was so important. I felt that I was one of the few chosen once who knew that one and only true church.
Looking back it makes no sense that god would do a sacred handshake test and test for how well people can repeat what has been said before. I still believe in god but I no longer believe that he cares what kind of underwear I wear. Leaving is a journey and it feels different to everyone. Be gentle on yourself take the time that you need.

It's up to you but here's my advice.

Stop going to church now because the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

You can email or leave a phone message saying you're resigning your calling and/or your church membership.

Expect the Mormons to call and show up after that. Whatever you say or do will not dissuade them, so it's best to just say you've lost interest and will not be returning. Thanks, goodbye.

After that don't answer the door or phone to them. You're a free adult and don't owe them explanations.

This might not seem graceful, but Mormons aren't impressed by grace and will push to your limits and theirs.

Still, leaving sooner is not as hard as waiting and there's no easy way to do it.

Be strong and understand that Mormons' primary directive is to grow their kingdom. Once they realize you're gone for good they'll eventually back off.

Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 11:02AM by Cheryl.

I was married to an immature, controlling, occasionally abusive man for five years. When I finally got out of the marriage I wondered how I could have stayed in it so long. The reality is that abusers are great at making us feel like we don't have options or worth -- and the Mormon Church is a textbook abuser.

So just be glad that your support system is outside the Mormon machine, write your letter of resignation, and be prepared for the sudden love bombing. (If I were you -- because I'm rather snarky -- I'd practice saying: Gee, it's too bad you folks didn't realize how much you liked me when I still cared about your opinions.) ;)

Don't forget that you have been under the Mormoney church's brainwashing for quite a while and parts of it are comforting and soothing. You have been taught that you were valiant or you would not be on earth right now and you have been taught that there is a life after this.

I know from experience that there are wonderful ways to spend your time when mormonism is no longer present to dictate what you can and cannot do. I love being my own master, and as another poster said, finding my adulthood. Mormonism does keep you a child under its wing.

I believe you will love your new, reborn life. I love mine.
Best of luck to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 11:01AM by presleynfactsrock.

I don't typically comment on RFM, however I read most every day... But, I had to state how totally envious I am. I wish I was in your shoes and could simply walk away. I wish I could just quietly resign my membership and never give the church my time or thoughts again. Instead it plagues me daily as I watch my kids continue to be indoctrinated and my wife believe I am less of a person now that I do not believe. Please take the advise of those stated above, remove your name, walk away and be happy you got out.

You may or may not be allowed to disengage quietly and politely.

Many Mormons do not understand or observe appropriate social boundaries. They can't "take the hint" and continue to badger, pester, and annoy. They force polite people to be rude then stomp away complaining about how 'rooode' that person was to them. Later they complain that "people who leave the church can't leave it alone" when really we'd like nothing better for the church to go away and leave us alone.

It is kind of sad that it isn't "true," isn't it? There is a real sense of loss, at first. It's okay to grieve a little.

If you're not ready to formally resign yet, but want them to leave you alone, the magic words are "do not contact list." That's working for me so far. If you just quietly slip away, they might come after you.

I sent my bishop an email saying I would no longer be doing my calling, that I had decided to withdraw from activity in the church, and that I wanted my family to be placed on the "do not contact" list. Every ward I've been in has had one of those.

Don't say why. It will only sound to them like a plea to have someone resolve your concerns. Don't respond to whatever they write back. Just politely state that you won't be coming anymore, and that uninvited attempts to contact or visit you are not welcome.

Don't drop hints and hope they pick them up. You must be explicit about this, or they will consider you "inactive" and fair game for "fellowshipping" efforts. Don't ask to be "released" from your calling. Tell them you won't be there. They'll figure it out from there.

The good news for you is that it's pretty normal for converts to disappear. Most places, they don't even have enough diligent home teachers to cover the people who actually want them.

Good luck!

The mormon church is, more than anything else, a business. Say you've been a regular customer at a restaurant for years, and one day you find out that the whole time they've been in business, they've been feeding people ground up kittens and saying it's beef. Would you feel it necessary to "make a graceful exit" and explain to them why you won't be patronizing them anymore?

You don't owe the church anything. You don't have to give notice. Leaving the church isn't like leaving a job - you won't need them for references later. If you don't have any loved ones keeping you tied to the church (which it sounds like you don't), then just submit your resignation letter and be done with it. You don't have to explain anything to anyone.

If you don't want any confrontation, you might be able to just slip away more or less unnoticed if you just stop going to church. However, this could result in Mormons' infamous "love-bombing." You could be swamped with fake "friends" pressuring you to go back. And, depending on the ward, they might continue to do this occasionally for years, until they lose track of you (if you move, and nobody gives them your address). At the very least, you can probably expect the missionaries to drop by every now and then trying to reactivate you, or trying to get you to introduce them to your non-member friends.

You're other option is to resign. It does seem to get better results if you send your resignation to Salt Lake, rather than the local leaders. But whoever you send your letter to, it will make it back to your bishop and he will probably ask to meet with you, even though you asked for no contact. Of course, you can just refuse to meet with him, and tell him to process your request, and they should eventually do it. Once again, however, you do face the prospect of the bishop leading a "love-bombing" campaign against you. But once your resignation is processed, most wards will usually leave you alone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 12:37PM by nickname.

Write down an inventory of your strengths and weaknesses.

What is your vocation? How easy will it be to find another job?

If you are employable in a field where it is easy to find another job, then I suggest that you move cross-country to an area where there are essentially no Mormons. Find a job before you move, and see if your new employer will help you with moving expenses.

When you arrive in your new location, DO NOT tell anyone that you were once a Mormon. Make it a high priority to find new friends. With a new location, new job, and new friends, the Mormon cult will quickly disappear and you will have a new life.

If you have to stay in the same location in the same job, then it will be much more difficult to cast off Mormonism. Yes, it is still possible, but you will face a much larger challenge.

There is an army of elderly missionaries in Utah whose full time assignment is hunting down "lost sheep" and telling current bishops to go after them.

It's a common reaction...