Im a non beliver but havent resign (wont do that for now) Ok my son who is on a mission, wrote and told me that he had same sex attraction issues in the past but that his mom (my ex) knew for a while and that he feel the need to tell me. He also said that that was a past "issue" and that he handled it with "the church leaders". So he did not give any details. Thing is, i spoke with the ex and i explained i hed no problem with whatever orientation my son has, i love him and will always support him. She is very TBM so she says "it is from the devil" (what he felt in the past). Any way, im pretty sure he maybe just covering his feelings or puttin the matter aside for now. I wrote to him, told him how much i love him and will always support him without judgin. It is kind of a shock, but i love my son a lot and this is not a big deal to me. Want to hear from you
As someone who was once a missionary and considers himself gay, I understand the wording your son is using...."same sex issues"...."in the past"...."dealt with them"....
When you know everyone around you takes issue with the fact you are gay, you naturally have the tendency to minimize it like he is doing with you now. As a gay man, I can say for myself that those "feelings" never go away...just as your feelings for women don't go away. It's just how it is.
He's minimizing his sexuality, but yet still coming out to you to test your reaction. And you are handling it fantastically--I wish my father had your same feelings. My father won't even talk to me.
Be there for your son, show him love that no one in the Morg will ever be able to freely show, and in time he'll be free from its clutches. Win him over with love.
You are totally right while correcting the words i am using but I am using the same words he used, to note how he has been "treated" by TSCC. My point in all this is exactly that. While he has been (and maybe still is) beeind demonized by those "correcting" him, I am asking for advise on how to make the difference and help him understand that his situations is not from the devil as he's probably being teach.
You're a great father. From your message your son will hear exactly what he needs at the moment. I think that will be a huge contrast - how his TBM Mom reacts and how his non-believing Dad supports and doesn't judge him. That will help him realize that tscc has nothing to do with Jesus.
Agreed. Just hearing that you support him no matter what likely means the world to him. It might even save him from chronic depression and suicidal thoughts.
My son came out 3 years ago as bisexual. It nearly killed my nevermo husband. I was a little shocked but got over it quickly as I have never been against gay people and have always known people are born this way. My son was the one that girls swooned over so I think it came as a shock to most people. He's a very loving successful human being and I couldn't be more proud of him. You're a great father. You're handling this the way every father in this situation should. It's really a non issue. He's in a very successful business and life goes on. The way he explained it to me, so I could understand it, is that it's like he doesn't see gender. He just sees human beings. I think bisexuality is harder for most people to understand.
I think that your letter to your son was wonderful. Letting him know that you unconditionally love him and support him is the best thing you could have done.
Your son will need you in the coming years and the most you can do is be there for him to remind him that he is normal and that he is not evil.
You're a great father. All you can do for him is be there for him when he finally realizes he's homosexual (even if he's married to a female and he figures it out in his 40's). Show him that there are sites for LDS members who are homosexual and still active, that is, if he still wants to continue being LDS. (Affirmation is a group of LDS LGBT Advocates). Best of luck!
When my son came out to my husband, he (my son) was very worried. My DH is in a lot of ways an Alpha male, and had lived in a nother state when our son was raised. So DS didn't know him as well as he should have. DH said to him, "I love you. I've told you your whole life that I love you, and it was never a lie." This is what your son needs to hear now.
The most helpful thing that was EVER said to me when I "tested" the waters and told my closest friend and ally that I was gay (I was expecting to be be immediately shunned) were two words. He simply looked at me and said "So what?" I was speechless for a few moments and then he kind of smiled and finished the sentence telling me that the information made no difference to him.
It took me weeks of waiting for him to pull back and away from me and our friendship. Finally, after about three months, I concluded that he really was a friend and that to him, it really didn't matter. I began the process of really accepting and loving myself.
When that dam burst one night, and I began to feel a tiny bit of self worth, I drove to his house and cried for a couple of hours while he held me and hugged me. We neither one said anything. He didn't know why or understand the underpinnings of my state of mind.
It was the beginning of life for me and the precipice of suicide recessed for the first time in 40 years. (BTW he is straight, married with children of his own.) Our friendship it appears has dwindled in the past couple of years to pretty much nothing now but I am forever grateful that he said those words to me.."WHO CARES?" It was Pivotal for me.
May I suggest that you make a similar statement to you son. Hug him and hold him and assure him of your love for him regardless of his sexuality, religion, or affiliations. Unconditional love doesn't notice behavior.
I found out my boyfriend was gay over 30 years ago and yet nothing has changed except they call it SSA rather than gay and you are no longer damned just for identifying as gay. Back then, it was required that you CHANGE to straight.
I HOPE your son chooses not to marry.
When thinking about what I could say to you, I remembered again a book that Steve Benson recommended a few years ago. It is "Perfect: The Journey of a Gay Mormon." I believe it is now available on Amazon. It is an excellent book.
When a good friend came out a number of years ago, at first I was upset, disgusted, etc.
I took a step back and realized, she is the same person today as she was yesterday. Her sexuality is just a very small part of the total, intelligent, fun, friendly person she is.
Your son is the same person today as he was yesterday.
After saying that it would be shock if your son was not gay. He is where we all were as closeted missionaries. You need to know desperately if anyone will still like you, love you if they "knew."
What bothers me the most is the "it's been dealt with" thing.
It has not been dealt with.
When the Mormons deal with something that bothers them they wincingly take a glance. They don't like what they see, so they look at it sideways instead, then they look at it upside down, then since they are still uncomfortable they take it out of the light and look at it in a half darkened room and go "aha."
At this point they feel like they have conquered it simply because they have looked at it a lot.
Your son is so lucky to have you. Let him know that you would rather use the word gay, because the term SSA sounds like a disease and you don't thing there's a damn thing wrong with him. Tell him you want him more than anything else to find real love in his life and that all you care about is that he is in your life. That's what I wanted to hear and never did. I think you are amazing.
I would say also to go to the Recovery Board here and read the post by sid143--part one. It is very inspirational and at some point you might want to share it with your son. It would have been good for me to read, but of course you will be considering all things carefully. His mother is the one who really should read it, but that probably won't happen.
Thanks to all for the advise. I have told my son how much I love him. That all that I want for him is to be happy. Part of my letters says "son, some times we have to stop, take a step back and look at what we are doing and think... are we doing this for other people or for us?" and decide if what we are doing is what we really want. And as he shared some "concern" about the consequences of his feelings to others, I told him not to worry about any consequences if he has not done anything to hurt anybody. We, specially his parents, are responsible for how we accept him or our reactions to his life. His life is his to live and the idea is for him to be happy. By the way, I have know many gay people throughout my life and I admire many of them and I have been close friend to many. I respect them so for me knowing this about my son, it comes like a little surprise but that is all. While many relatives may react differently, from me all he is going to have is love and support.
When my son came out to me as gay, I just totally accepted him with no strings attached. His happiness is all that really matters to me. Obviously, it is his life and he is in a better position to assess his feelings than I am.
Although I am still on the membership rolls of LDS Inc., I am inactive. My son and I have a great relationship, though, and it is based on mutual respect and unconditional love -- the way it should be.
Stick to your guns and continue doing the right thing!
I think this is really good. If it were me, I'd probably spell out that I wouldn't care if he were gay, bisexual or not. You've already said you'll love him no matter what, and I think that it would help reinforce the message.
Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally, that you always will, that his happiness and well being is important to you, and you want him to love and be loved, whether gay, straight, or somewhere in between.
I can tell you are a great father by what you've already said. I wish I'd gotten that kind of a letter from my father when I was that age.
en passant Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > ...and again, and again. > > Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally, > that you always will, that his happiness and well > being is important to you, and you want him to > love and be loved, whether gay, straight, or > somewhere in between. > > I can tell you are a great father by what you've > already said. I wish I'd gotten that kind of a > letter from my father when I was that age.
Unconditional parental love is something that everyone needs. It is love in its highest form,and is a form of love that our gay children will certainly never ever receive from TSCC. Anonanon, your son is very lucky to have you, keep on letting him know in words and actions that you love him and will always be there for him.
I'd be hesitant to use the word gay until he does, it may feel safer to him to stick with SSA right now. I think I'd be inclined to go at his pace.
By coincidence I'm writing this whilst staying at the home of one of my best friends and his partner. This friend and I met here in the UK through RfM (for that I will forever be grateful to RfM).
He knew before his mission he was gay, he tried not to be, served a mission and left the church soon after he returned. His parents and most of his siblings are ultra TBM, his father was a bishop when my friend was growing up.
His parents (especially his father) still struggle with this and, although there is a semblance of a relationship, there is also great emotional distance.
How different it would have been if his father had responded in the way you have, your son is incredibly fortunate to have you.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2014 02:01AM by Claire Ferguson.