I posted awhile back about some of this and this is an update to the situation.

I left the church 8 months ago and officially told my parents 5 months ago. After telling my parents why I left I started getting letters from them almost every week telling me why they believed and basically trying to get me to believe again, however they never actually addressed any of the issues as to why I left, other than J.S. wasn't perfect.

After about 3 months of this I finally wrote them back saying that I still didn't believe and that I would talk more about my disbelief if that was a conversation they really wanted to have, but I feared that the conversation would do more harm than good for both sides. After that they stopped writing me for a few months until today I got a letter from my dad saying he is disappointed that I've come to him for advice on so many things in my life but when it came to my journey out of the church that I never came to him, that I decided to trust in strangers on the internet with hidden agendas because they were offended or that they want to sin therefore they are not trustworthy people. He accused me of being closed minded even though in the letter I sent him I specifically stated that I was open to new enlightenment on the issues if there was any out there.

It was hard for me to even read the whole letter without getting upset and emotional I'm just sick of the 'offended and wanting to sin' stereotype.

Christmas is coming up and I will be going to my parents, what should I do? I have a feeling that he's going to want to talk about it again. I'm tempted to send him the John Dehlin video - Top 5 myths why members leave the church, as a precursor to us having any discussion to at least put a damper on the ex-mormon stereotype that he so fully believes.

Based upon my own years of experience in either avoidance or doing the wrong thing:

I would tell Dad that you still love him and Mom, but that discussions about the whole church issue would not be appropriate for the holiday season.

If necessary, remind him that you are an adult and are in charge of your own life--this is something I failed to tell my parents, who were still under the belief that they could govern my life when I was in my 30s and 40s. As much as they care about you and your well-being, you are free to make your own mistakes.

The church makes it very difficult to be a parent and even more difficult to be a child, especially once you are an adult.

Don't go home or your holidays will be stressful.

If you insist on going, make sure to have your own transportation and enough money to go to a hotel if the tension gets too thick.

sometimes the term blind men can't see. The advice you have been given is great. Tell them that you love them and your full feelings. Getting mad will not solve anything but istead will be used against you and your sinfulness: understand? So will not going to see them for Cristmas.
Having a means to retreat or leave if the tension gets to great just might be needed.

I've noticed that telling them you love them does not provide relief from the anxiety that promotes the writing of all the letters.

Let's walk through this: the letters come from an anxious feeling that your apostasy may in some way be their fault. It also comes from the crazy cult notion that if one member breaks rank, the whole family can't be "together" in the CK. You, in other words, are ruining their future bliss.

What does seem to work is to speak directly to the fears of your TBM family, for example,

MOM: I could not have had a better mother, Mom, I want you to know that. You taught me values that will continue to guide me throughout life, especially **

DAD: You have my greatest respect, Dad, even though I no longer believe in the power of the priesthood, I believe in the power of parental love. I felt your love over the years and your strength. You made many sacrifices for me and my siblings and showed me what it means to shape a life around your beliefs. I hope to do the same thing with my life going forward. You have been a great example of the kind of father I want to be.

SIBLING: We've had our differences and I know it's hard for you to see me making a different choice than you in the important area of religion. You've always been there for me as a brother/sister and I want you to know I will always be there for you, even though I will not be a member of the church. It doesn't change my love for you as your brother, nor my bond with your children.

Emphasize to all that you believe that family comes before church and your new life will reflect that. Hopefully, you will have more time to spend with them.

It's really all you can do-- reassure them that they measure up in your eyes and then continue to be that loving family member.

Best of luck


Anagrammy

Another insightful suggestion from Anagrammy. I left after my parents passed away. They were dyed in the wool TBMs and not open to discussion, but this approach is the only one that would have given me an opportunity to maintain a relationship with them.

I take the approach of being a grateful, thankful, appreciative child of your parents (even as an adult) and keeping that the focus of your communication and ignoring the disagreements and disappointments. Every family has them, but when it comes to religion, it's often very difficult to deal with.

The most difficult thing we face when we leave, seems to be the believing parents thinking they failed in some way. That is a very heavy burden for them to carry. I try to think in terms of how they feel, and go from there.

I think it's important to recognize that this is something they struggle with and that is why I propose giving them the kind of support they need for being good parents to you. (If that is the case, of course.)

No matter how we try, it is very common that we can't escape the strong hold of the religious culture on the teaching of the Eternal Family and the teachings of the fear for parents of children being led away.

It's always a dilemma; how to handle the believing family, and their unique dynamics.

Hopefully, there can be a truce, or an ability to "agree to disagree" on religion and perhaps other issues and still maintain a loving environment.

I left after my parents had died. They were converts and while they would have been upset at my 'apostosy', I really beleive they would have supported me in my decision to be honest with myself. It was my sealing to them that stopped me from resigning for many years, but in the end I decided that they, above all would want me to be honest with myself, and was able to do it. It was not AT ALL that I beleived in the sealing, but I knew they had, and somehow that was very important for a time.

Anagrammy's advice is GREAT!! I would also add into the conversation at some point, your need to have personal integrity, and how they taught you that. Be careful where you pop it in, as it could come across as confrontational. But it is VERY true that personal integrity is supreme, as is free agency, and at some point they must see that.

If it all ends in tears with them saying that they want you with them in eternity, it might be an idea to point out (gently) that God is the judge of all that, and that He knows your heart, and would not want you to be a hypocrite or lie to yourself. If anything could keep you out of the CK, surely it would be dishonesty!

GOOD LUCK love!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/20/2013 08:13PM by fluhist.

Thanks, fluhist, and good points.

You might also point out that Mormons believe God sorts everything out in the CK, so why not let him be the judge of what's more important - the love that binds the hearts or remembering a secret handshake or a new name.

Ana

We left about 2 years ago and have had a similar experience with our parents so I thought that I would share my experience. We tried to send the John Dehlin video for the same reasons you stated but they refused to watch it saying, "that it gave them a bad feeling and made MIL sick to her stomach." This now makes me laugh, a lot, but at the time I was beyond frustrated with their ignorance.
We also received very similar comments from them and they wanted to come over multiple times to talk to us about us leaving. This was a big mistake on our part. We shouldn't of ever had a discussion with them about our reasons. Even though we presented all of our information in a clear, intelligent manner with church approved material to support our concerns, they didn't hear any of it. They walked away telling family that we read anti-mormon literature and we our inactive right now (we our never going back; we have resigned). Also, when they couldn't defend all of this NEW information they got even more angry & didn't want to discuss it anymore.
Over the past two years we have tried to maintain a relationship with them and other family members but we are being publicly shunned & given the silent treatment by FIL. We, finally, decided that we have had enough and have limited our contact even more than it was. I wish that we would of established very clear boundaries early on about what is acceptable & non-acceptable behavior on their part regarding our personal, spiritual/religious beliefs. For some reason Mormons believe that they have the right to interject themselves in others personal, spiritual business when they don't. I assume that you are an adult. Your parents are crossing major boundaries. Your religious choices are NONE of their business at this point in your life. Refer them to Mormonthink if they want to know why you left and tell them to stop sending letters and you do not want to discuss it.

Smile at them, and tell them in a loud voice, that you declare a "Christmas Truce." Christmas is a time for Christ-like behavior, Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men. And, "No politics or religion."

Sorry, but I tried walking on egg shells with my family, for years. If your loved one is brainwashed, debating and arguing will do no good at all, ever, no matter what you say. Mormon testimonies are based on feelings.

Be yourself. Stay strong. Let them know by your manner that you respect yourself, and they will respect you. Bullies are cowards, and, most likely, they are a little afraid of you.

My siblings were horrible to me--but they were horrible people, anyway. One beat me, and the other stole our inheritance. Treat each family member as an individual. I found out that neither my RS president mother or my bishopric father believed in the temple! Shocker! Many Mormons are on the brink of enlightenment, including your family members. Leave them alone, and they might figure it out, like you did.

Have a Merry Christmas--you can take it!