How do I enforce proper boundaries with parents (is it even possible?) who know my opinions on the church but still boast about things like my brother being called to the bishopric and my dad setting him apart as a high priest and it was a very moving experience? The news made me sick to my stomach! Literally, for so many reasons. I haven't been sharing my recovery news or even receiving my official resignation letter from the church because I know it'd be upsetting to them and I see no point. But no matter how hard I've tried, they just won't respect my decision! I am the one who has rejected the "truth" and so my mom (who I'm pretty close to) keeps trying to bear testimony and even put me on the prayer roll to change my mind (and probably continues to renew my name to keep it one it). I'm seriously considering not talking to her (this will mean very little contact with the rest of my family) and letting my parents continue living a life of avoiding reality.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/21/2014 05:35PM by auroraura.

It sounds like you know how this is going to end.

It is unfortunate, but it is what it is.

I would treat such news (about your brother) the way that you would treat any other family news. "Oh, that's nice. It should keep him busy." If your mom bears testimony, say, "You say that you believe the church to be true. It sounds like your religion is important to you. That's nice. Let me tell you about something interesting that happened to me today." Basically, let it roll right off of you.

I have had to start taking this tack whenever my TBM mother starts in about some woman I've never even heard of having (more) children, or similar stuff that I could not possibly care less about.

"That's great, Mom. Over here, we're doing XYZ."

I should mention that I do have one brother (we've always been the more emotionally sensitive of the children) who was the only one who actually listened to me even though we both disagree (he is about to get remarried in the temple and will now be sealed to two women). We had a great several hour long conversation and it actually helped us get closer. Is it a cop out to talk to him about my frustrations and ask him to talk to our parents?

**Is it a cop out to talk to him about my frustrations and ask him to talk to our parents?**

Yes! It is a total cop out to have your brother talk to your parents.

Have a few topics prepared that you can change over to if it becomes TSCC consuming. You have to realize that your parents probably think and pray about you leaving TSCC EVERY SINGLE Day. And they probably dream up ways to talk about it with you. Call them out on it. Not in a rude way, but ask them if there is something they feel they need to say. Or let them know it's getting old and if they need to say something, say it and move on. Be honest and genuine and let them have a chance to say their peace. Once they get it out, let them know they don't need to keep repeating it and that if you ever feel so inclined, you'll be the one to bring the topic up.

It is truly difficult to be close with any obsessed person, including TBMs.

It might work best to give yourself some more distance from them for a while. Time will show them that you are serious, grown up, and able to make big decisions and live a good exmo life. Then perhaps you can get closer again.

I found that non verbal actions work amazingly well. If they start in on you, just get up and leave. Don't ever let yourself be trapped with them without an exit plan. Don't argue with them, just come up with a single line, like "I am no longer a Mormon. It isnt up for discussion." Then change the subject or leave.

If Mom starts in on you on the phone, say you have to go and hang up. Get caller id.

You can't change other people's behavior, you can only change your own and see if their responses change.

Deflect away from the mormon talk. They may think they're the center of the universe, but they're not. I start talking positively about some other religion or group doing a similar thing. Giving everybody credit for good, not just the mormons.

Though, sometimes, I may get a bit snarky with the silly stuff. "Oh really, you still do that? I forgot." Or, "You have fun with that, I'm going to <insert different activity here>" to let them know that their event isn't that important to you.

And I have years of old (now discarded) mormon doctrine to throw around. "Wait, don't mormons believe <insert old doctrine here>? Well, they used to. What happened to it?"

I never really had to set boundaries. They just learned that talking to me wasn't going to be a positive experience for them.

You have to be willing to accept consequences if you want boundaries. That often means you might have to spend less time with loved ones and accept that they'll think you as less than they once did. Sad but true.

The only way to enforce boundaries is to start telling people about your new expectations and repeat at necessary. When they don't comply, you have to sometimes act disappointed and step away until they realize you're serious.

"Mom we need to agree to disagree. I love you so and respect your choices but I must make different choices. If it's hard to stay away from these subjects or tell me I must live as a Mormon, I'll sadly have to miss the weekly family dinner for awhile. Perhaps it's time to sign up for that bird Sunday watching course and club I've always wanted to try. I'll give you a call in a few weeks."

My situation was very similar. I did not take the high road. I did not let it roll off. I did not get mad or snarky.

I calmly let them know in no uncertain terms that I was Done With Their Church. Period. End of discussion.

As long as they think they have a chance of getting you back they are going to take it. They are Mormon parents. It's what they do.

I did what I did because I was willing to risk no longer being a member of the family, which you may not be willing to risk, so think carefully. I always felt like just having "any old family" wasn't what I wanted out of life. Often parents who don't know how to give unconditional love and unconditional respect need to be taught it. They can learn.

Still, my parents always tried to say "just the right thing" to remind me I had a testimony somewhere deep down every now and then, but it became a rather benign thing after a couple of years. Time helps. A lot. Now I just roll my eyes like any other person on some sit-com dealing with a crazy in-law. Their fervor usually has a sell-by date.

Good luck.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2014 10:05AM by blueorchid.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2014 10:06AM by blueorchid.