Posted by:
I_am_me
(
)
Date: May 29, 2014 01:27PM
My husband and I left the church together. He drinks now. I can't stand alcohol. I don't like the flavor, and the one time I got half a glass of wine down, I couldn't think straight. So he has his beer or whatever is his fancy alone.
It makes me sad at times that we can't enjoy something like that together. Then I remember that we are different people. I'm slowly coming out of my mold, and he from his. I have plans for life besides being a housewife, mother, grandmother. I'm going back to college for a degree or two. We are both emerging, but even so we are emerging as very different people. I love him more than ever. He loves me more than ever.
I'm thinking you have a hard time doing things without a built in companion. I think this might indicate that you are not comfortable with who you are. You are not comfortable with yourself or by yourself. I think, before you make any rash decisions about your marriage, that you solve your own problem first. Even if you left your wife, you wouldn't automatically get somebody to do stuff with. If you are lonely, there's nothing wrong with finding a group or friend to do stuff with. Above all though, you need to be ok with yourself being you.
Also, your wife is stuck in a cult. Now there are lots of Mormon women who don't fit the mold thoroughly. Some have careers, friends, and hobbies outside the norm. Your wife could use your encouragement to see that her personal thoughts are ok. That she is ok.
Find things to do together that you both enjoy. She doesn't want to gamble, fine, but what about a romantic getaway to the beach? Also, there are other things to do in Vegas besides gambling. See a show or experience a dinner show. She doesn't want to drink, fine, but what if you get her some nice virgin fruit drinks while you have an alcoholic one?BTW, drink mixers can easily mix with seltzer or ginger ale.
Let her experiment with new things while you experiment with new things.Get her a cup of hot cocoa while you have a cup of coffee - and yes coffee houses sell hot chocolate. A cup of herbal tea while you try black tea. She might even be curious about what it tastes like to you (and even vindicated a bit if you think it tastes nasty the first time), what it feels like to be drunk if you do it discreetly and only with her. To be honest, the truth serum side effect can be pretty funny/informative.
You are not the same person. You don't have to like or do the same things. If you like to do things together though, there are ways to accomplish it and for both of you to try new things. Being free from the cult doesn't mean you have to do/enjoy all the previously banned stuff. It means you are free. You are free to see the world differently. You are free to be yourself. You are free to love your wife in a way she deserves. You are free to see her with non-cult eyes. You are free to help her see herself as a seperate person than the cult and to gain her own identity. You are free to help your wife enjoy life even as you learn to enjoy it.
You have no guarantees that life will be any better without your wife. If you give her up, you are giving up all the good as well as the bad. You will be giving up on her.Your wife is not the church. You have this wonderful opportunity to help her see that as well as learning to see it for yourself. If it's worth it, if she's worth it, don't give up without a good honest effort. At the very least, get to know yourself and get settled in your own routine before making any final decisions.