I guess I just need somewhere to vent & would appreciate any helpful feedback.

I'll try to keep things a short as I can. I grew up in an overzealous fanatical TBM family. My father was extremely emotional abusive & physically abusive. As a result all of my siblings & my mother have issues relating to the abuse. The most serious is my sister who has struggled for years with what was misdiagnosed as bipolar & borderline personality disorder. A few years ago she finally was given the correct diagnosis of D.I.D. (multiple personalities). She also has debilitating anxiety as well as some other health issues. She is on SSI but cannot afford a place to live let alone other necessities. As a result she has always had to live with friends & family. At this point living with any other family members is not feasible. Being around them triggers things that are not good for anyone involved. Earlier this year she attempted suicide & we invited her to live with us again. At this point there is nowhere else for her to go & if she were living alone I know she would kill herself.

I also have some very serious health issues & am stuck in bed 95% of the time. My husband has had to pick up the slack & does all of the errands, chauffeuring kids around, grocery shopping, most of the cooking etc. on top of working full time. For the most part her moving here has been a big help for all of us. It has taken some of pressure off of me & my husband when she is able to run small errands or help out a little around the house. I have very frightening symptoms due to my illness & have been to the ER multiple times. It's been a huge relief to have another adult around when my husband is at work etc.

As you can imagine there are also some big challenges. One of the biggest is religion as she is hard core TBM. In the past we have usually been respectful of each others opinions & have agreed to disagree. Lately arguments have been increasing especially over gay marriage & the new announcement. Ironically she has SSA but chooses not to act upon her feelings & risk the "eternal consequences". She agrees with the church 1000% & does all the required mental gymnastics to justify everything. I do not agree with the things she believes & will not allow her to mouth off her bigoted homophobic opinions in front of my kids without responding back.

Lately she is stuck on calling me a hypocrite over & over. She also claims that I am twisting her words when I point things out like her bigotry when she says that ex-mormon's (me) & gay people should not live in utah because we don't belong (fit in) here. She thinks the mormon's were here first & deserve to have a sanctuary away from the rest of the evil world. Anyway, I saw this posted on her FB today as a passive aggressive response to our last argument..

Is anyone else as sick and tired of all the crap in the world as I am? Why can’t people just love! Why don’t people realize how ridicules all these anti things are!!! The fundamental law of life is like attracts like! If one wants to prevent bulling than you teach others how to accept others and how to love others not focusing on teaching anti-bulling that creates more victim minded mindsets that are more damaging!

Another example of the very thing I’m talking about is anti-Christens who claim that Christens believe they have a higher moral high ground and yet the anti-Christens in that very statement are believing that they have a higher moral high ground than Christens and in the very act are hypocrites in the highest degree! If I could have one wish I would wish that I could just go home to a Heavenly Home and leave this world behind! I’m so done with all this this life and people turning things into things they are not! I’m so sick and tired of my words being taken completely wrong because no cares to actually listen and hear what I am actually saying!!!!! This life sucks and I hate it so much!!!! I try sooooo soooo hard to focus on the good and positive things I do have in life!!!! But over and over my words are twisted by others and turned into things they are not and I am so sick and tired of it! I fight so hard to just shut my mouth and let it go because the very act of writing this is doing the very thing I’m complaining about and therefore making me a hypocrite myself!!!! I try so hard to just let things go and focus on the good but it is so hard sometimes!!!!!

and she posted this..

Honestly I have to admit that when I heard the churches resent announcement I was outraged! I was pissed! I couldn't believe that the church could be so- what I called heartless! However I took my anger to the Lord and expressed how I felt and asked HIM how the church could implement something that would hurt so many children if this was truly His church! My answer was clear and humbling and personal! I will not share the answers I got because they were gained from deep person honest seeking an are mine to hold. I encourage each of you to seek out your own understanding!!! However I will say that if you read this you will understand where I now stand! It's a really good read! Christ loved everyone deeply and yet he drew very clear lines! Just because a line is drawn dose not mean that one cannot love! Most parents love their children deeply but have very clear lines they draw themselves!!!!


Thank you so much if you've made it through this whole post. Writing everything has at least helped a little. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that she has convinced herself how evil & mean I am when I have been the complete opposite. I'm not saying that I couldn't have handled things better, but I HAVE listened to her side. I totally understand what she is saying & what she means. I just absolutely disagree with her & say so. She has no credible arguments to refute anything I have said & has basically resorted to pouting & making accusations that have nothing to do with what we were even arguing about. Now she has our family & her entire friend list on FB joining her pity party against her evil apostate sister. I am also very worried about her state of mind & if she is really to a point of attempting suicide again. I told her I am done arguing with her. I guess I just need to let things go.

I'm sorry you're ill and dealing with stress. You must value your health by making a peace treaty. No religion discussed in the home, period. No involving you in facebook drama...

You gave her a soft place to land. She must obey your rules or live elsewhere. If she has meds, she must follow her RX plan and remain calm. Home is your sanctuary and must remain that way.

Establish boundaries, then follow through so she understands you are serious. Make it clear she is jeopardizing your health, and hers, and her place to live... Have her sign it.

If you need help, a therapist could mediate. I hope everything settles down quickly. Best wishes for healing.

It does sound like you both could benefit from counseling. You, because you're providing a place for her to live despite there being some profound differences in your core beliefs.

She needs some psychiatric intervention. If her only income is SSI that would limit her range of options, but she needs help in addition to a sanctuary you're providing her with, especially if she's suicidal.

Bless your heart for providing a soft pillow for your sister to lay her head.

You may be the only cushion she has. Hopefully you'll be able to reach an understanding that will be mutually beneficial to both.

She doesn't sound hateful in her posts and neither do you. You sound frustrated, which is very understandable.

((((hugs))))

There's also a suicide intervention help page right on Facebook.

She may benefit from joining that group, because it's a large group of advocates who try to help others who may be suicidal.

You are going to have to set some boundaries with her. First, I would come to an agreement with her that neither of you will discuss sensitive religious topics with each other (if she wants to discuss her callings or VT, fine.) She is not allowed to go on homophobic rants in front of you and your kids, because you don't want to hear it, you don't want your kids to hear it, and it is not allowed in your household. And I would unfollow her on Facebook as long as you are living together. If she asks about it, just say that since you live with her you already know what she's up to.

A very useful phrase for living with someone if you have strong differences of opinion, is, "We will have to agree to disagree about that."

And in all honesty, people who rely on other's kindness for their abode need to learn to go along to get along. If your sister isn't willing to work with you, she may need to find a room to let or a roommate situation.

Sorry you are going through this. You are not the only one. My TBM sister-in-law had a big fight over the new anti-gay policy. It was depressing.

Big hug.

OMG... this is the complete dark side of being raised a TBM.,

It's a fucking nightmare. I'm so sorry. If possible you need

to speak to a good psychologist, one who prefrerrably is not

a mind bended mormon .

My ex wife was full blown bpd and it was the worst 10 years of my life. They aren't capable of healthy relationships and they love chaos. It's sad she can't take care of herself, but it's not your job. Just be pleasant and boring and then she will be someone else's problem.

I could really pour it out here, but it'd just be too long and boring. Worse yet, it'd be all about me. So I'll save just about all of that for some other thread.

What I really want to say is this: I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I made it through your whole post, and then I read it again, and then one more time. You ask, why can't people just love each other. Well, if you were here I'd wrap my arms around you and say this: "I don't know about everyone else, but I know about me, and for whatever it's worth, I love you."

You are not alone. You cannot control her or change her. You can only love her, and (hopefully) master yourself as best you can. And show your husband how grateful you are, because he sounds great. But he's only human, and he needs your love. "I love you" when truly felt and meant, are powerful words.

You can only do your best. You cannot heal her or change her. You can listen to her and love her, but if she does do what you fear, that will be her act and not yours. Hang in there. People care. I do.

Thank you ALL for the responses! Sorry it has taken a couple days to respond.

Thank you for the idea of making new ground rules. We set some when she came like staying on her meds & no church visits here (only because the ward is a PITA & I know it would create drama). I think it's is definitely time to revisit & revise them.

I love my sister & don't want anything to happen to her. I know many of the reasons she does not want to live. She has a very difficult disorder to live with. I know I can't control her & if she is determined to end her life she will. I just wish she could get to a place to function & be happy. I really believe the church adds a massive amount of weight to the problem that she cannot understand or see. I wonder if & how things could change for her if she left, & I wonder if it would be for the better or worse.

In some personalities she is reasonable & open to talking about different opinions even though she is TBM. At those time it is as simple as agreeing to disagree. When she alters to the overzealous fanatical TBM personality it is a whole different story. Everything I say or disagree with becomes a personal attack. She is literally a different person. It is so frustrating because it starts a snow ball effect that leads to no where good.

She has been to several therapists here that accept her benefits but none have worked out yet. I need to do some research & see if there are any around who have any idea how to help her. It is a very complicated disorder & many therapist do not believe it exists.

Thanks again everyone for reading & responding! I appreciate it more than you know.

I had a roommate at BYU who pretended to have diabetes and would fall on the floor (if she had an audience) in a fake diabetic coma, with her eyelids moving. She also would randomly speak with a Brittish accent...

One time she was racing around throwing damp laundry in a suitcase, frantic about missing her flight to Australia for spring break. The phone rang and it was her ride. I said, "Are you guys driving home?" Yes. (S. UT not Australia) So bizarre...

You're a good sister. Do your best and protect yourself at all times. If it becomes too much, continue researching alternatives, or respite care for her/and you. Contact caretakers support groups/help. Best wishes.