Hello all! Long time Lurker.....first time posting. Just wanted to see if anyone can talk some sense into me...or at least tell me I'm not crazy. Long story short: MORmON all my life until 3 years ago. Was Mr. Peter Priesthood. I was so anal about it that my nickname in high school was Flanders. Did the mission, followed all the rules, came home to start a family. In typical Mor(m)on fashion I met my wife and we were married 3 months later. It's been over 15 years now and we have 3 awesome kids. I found out the truth 3 years ago, resigned, and we all haven't been to church since that time. I have a great career and I love my family. HOWEVER, I am so damn bitter. I feel like I was robbed of my opportunity to "live life". That fucking shit-stained CULT deceived and took away my teenage years and the rite of passage that comes with college and being a dumb young adult. I love my wife. I love my children. I want to keep them in my life. But I also want to make up for lost time. I want to attempt to replay what was taken from me. The parties. The irresponsible behavior. The shits and giggles. The one night stands. (I think). I've already spoken to my wife about how I feel and she really tries to understand. I really feel like I got married way too young and lost out. I know no one put a gun to my head and said GET MARRIED, but being LDS definitely had everything to do with it... Go home from your mission and start a family... Who cares that you've only known each other for three weeks... If the spirit testifies it's right... get engaged. Is it possible to be rid of these feelings? Anyway to have my cake and eat it too? Or am I just F.U.B.A.R-ed?

One piece of advice: No matter how exciting the prospects, do not engage in any adultery; even if your wife "bows her head and says yes" to your desires for experiential breadth.

You have three options:

1. Buck up and live by your decisions no matter bad or long ago. Part of being an adult.
2. Talk her into swinging (good luck with that ;)
3. Cheat and be prepared to pay the consequences.

If you choose 3, use a professional so no emotional entanglements.

My strong recommendation 1. An off shoot of that might be to get some professional training. Mormonism ill prepares people for a good sexual life. There is a whole world out there to explorer.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2015 03:25PM by magic823.

Bring'emYoung Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> In
> typical Mor(m)on fashion I met my wife and we were
> married 3 months later. It's been over 15 years
> now and we have 3 awesome kids.

Same with a few more years than you.

> I love
> my wife. I love my children. I want to keep them
> in my life. But I also want to make up for lost
> time. I want to attempt to replay what was taken
> from me. The parties. The irresponsible
> behavior. The shits and giggles.

I've been able to have my cake and eat it too. I have a believing wife and friends I party with on occasion. The two don't mix. I think that is a good thing.

I tried drinking at home some nice wine but it didn't work. She says she doesn't like it when I drink. So I own alcohol, I just drink it elsewhere.

The way we've made it work is I haven't sowed my wild oats but I have had a lot of fun without my wife. It hasn't proved too risky. I have yet to be propositioned. I guess I don't give off the I'm looking to get naked fun vibe. Or the less palatable alternative - I'm too fugly to f_ck.

Given my experience I think it could work with a believing wife as long as you don't try to get her to go along for the ride. If your wife is like mine, it isn't fun for her.

Porn?

Brother Young,

I do hope your choice of screen names is not an indication that you're looking for some sweet months-shy-of-fifteen companionship.

My personal experience is that there is no such thing as 'making up for lost time'. If you try to live your life now as you think you might have fifteen years ago, then you'll be missing out on living your current life as best you can, and then you'll need to make up for THAT lost time.

Besides, all the things you think you missed out on might be common, but they are not universal. Other people missed out on them too and don't care, or missed out on them for reasons having nothing to do with Mormonism.

The best way forward is almost always to live your best life possible RIGHT NOW, where you are, who you are, who you're with. The exceptions have to do with serious issues requiring professional counseling and/or involving abusive relationships.

If you think missing out on those late-adolescent and early-adult experiences is tragic, wait until you find out what it's like to look back fifteen years on the marriage and fatherhood you pissed away. With no cult-church to blame.

'So damn bitter' after three years is it's own problem. That's where professional counseling might be helpful.

Feeling direct,

JAR

I felt that way too. I think you need to try and find some middle ground. The whole idea that you decided every ounce of your entire life in your 20s is idiotic. Who says you cant change things up in your 30s and 40s?

Having said that, if you love your wife and love your kids and want to continue to be a responsible adult, you cant do EVERYTHING you may have been able to do as a single guy in your youth.

Personally I have been able to walk the line a little. I have been able to go out and drink and party, get crazy in Vegas, etc. But, I make them occasional things. I don't get drunk all weekend, every weekend. I don't try and sleep with other women. I have had a few experiences fall in my lap but I don't chase things.

My advice, find some drinking buddies. Go to Colorado on vacation and get high. Keep your job, stay married. Realize you cant ever act like a single, unattached 20 year old guy ever because A) you aren't in your 20's and B) you are a father, but that doesn't mean you can't have some crazy times now and again either.

Write off your losses and move on. You don't need those things to make your life whole. Don't dwell on what you can't have and don't try to make up for prior losses. Move forward, look forward, make the most of the day you have and the ones that are coming up.

Those things that you think you missed out on are gone. You cannot be sixteen ever again. You may encounter the same things at different ages and how you act out and your memory of what happens is based on your prior experiences. So, if you try to replicate at thirty what you missed out at sixteen, the takeaway/experience will not be the same because of life experience.

Move on. You aren't going to be a better man by trying to sow your wild oats twenty years too late.

This is coming from a nevermo, and so it may not be the best advice for a couple which is as you describe, but in the nevermo world...

One of the better places to start the process of reconciling your past programming with your present reality is talking to your wife about what you feel, finding out what she feels (she may be feeling something similar to you, though perhaps not in the specifics), and gaining some understanding of "where" each of you are right at this moment. Remember that her Mormon programming was likely a lot stricter and more stringent than yours was ("licked cupcake," "chewed gum," "wounded and dying rose petals," etc.), and it may take her longer to be able to be fully honest with YOU. What she says initially may not be what she is actually thinking and feeling, but more what she thinks she "must" give the appearance of.

If each of you can at least begin to be honest and authentic with each other (even if this takes awhile, which it well may), then each of you might discover that you are not as far apart in your thoughts and feelings as each of you assumed the other one is.

Once each of you are at least beginning to be open and fully authentic with each other, you can begin talking about what practical steps you (as a couple, and individually) might do to begin the process of healing this enormous part of each of your lives.

If you decide that this is just too tough or scary to do, then the chances are that you are going to do "something" (could be porn, depending on your wife...or "it" could be many other things) that really COULD have the potential to negatively affect your relationship with each other...perhaps permanently.

Honesty can be really tough, even for nevermos.

But getting a least a bit more honest with each other can be immensely important in the healing process, if healing is what you want.

Stand in line, buddy, stand in line. There's a big long queue of us here with the same complaint. I feel doubly bad that the woman I married did NOT wait as I did, and had a regularly sexual development while I was pissing away 2 years that I'll never see again.

I don't think you missed much. If you have a wife and life you love, enjoy it. Lots of folks aren't so lucky.

The irresponsible behavior you long for was just that - irresponsible - which even as a happy go lucky teenager might have gotten you into the kinds of troubles that would have been life altering. You might have used poor judgement while intoxicated, you might have got the wrong person pregnant, you might have had an accident, you might have blown off school - lots of things could have gone wrong had you indulged yourself in what it is you believe you missed.

If you have a loving wife, go have an affair - with her!

It's sad to have missed out on some things that are rites of passage in the non-Mormon world. The truth is, though, that lots of non-Mormon people miss out on one or more of the things you listed.

It's entirely possible to have a great life without those experiences or memories. As others have pointed out, you have a huge likelihood of losing the good things that you already have if you pursue the one-night stands part of it. No matter how understanding your wife tries to be or seems to be, doing that will ultimately be extremely likely to put stresses on your marriage that are so very much worse than missing out on one-night stands.

To be honest, I have down the one-night stands thing, many long years ago. Before I had any kind of committed relationship to anyone. It was fun, in its way, when I was very young. I look back on it now and there is just no way that I would want to repeat the experience. And I would choose a loving partner and loving children who all feel that they can *trust* me to be committed to them over all of the one-night stands in the world.

If I were in your place, I'd start exploring things that you and your wife can do together, that are fun and exciting new experiences. Let the stuff that most people do when they are 20 go. You are not there any more.

In what follows, I'm not saying that you can't do anything by yourself. You and your wife both need some time to be individuals. What I am saying is that you need to look at what you do through the lens of understanding that what you do will affect others. If you do things that can affect another person (your wife, your kids) negatively, you are probably going to find that it will affect your relationships with them negatively. And screw up the good things that you have now.

But you can make a new life starting from where you are right now, and you can do a lot of that with your loving partner. It doesn't matter what things you do. Just talk with your wife. Ask what she thinks would be a great new adventure. And as you two discuss possible new adventures, you'll learn a lot more about each other.

Once you find some things that you both would love to do, some day, start working on making those things happen, together. You just need to look forward instead of backward.

I know how you feel (believe me, I do) but it's pointless to try to do something now to make up for something you missed out on in the past.

You missed on on experience. That's a fact--a fact that you can't change. It's understandable to be a bit angry and bitter about it, but try to put things into perspective. You've had (and will continue to have) many experiences in life that you would have missed out on if you had taken other paths in life.

Face up to the fact that the past is gone. You cannot go back and live like you were 25 and single.

Some earmarks of mature adults:

- They accept what they cannot change.
- They realize that they cannot relive the past, either in the same way or in a different way.
- They emphasize in their minds the good things that they have, not the things they don't have.
- They do not let regret over the past ruin the present and the future.
- They realize that the tremendous price of doing whatever they want, regardless of consequences, is not worth paying.

Don't go cheating on your wife. That is just so uncool. If you agree to have an open marriage where she is also allowed to cheat on you, or if you two decide to become swingers, then knock yourself out. But otherwise, you are setting yourself up to destroy your marriage.

I was "straight edge" back in the day and it had nothing to do with mormonism and a lot more to do with not *trying* to be a rebellious teen, because my philosophy was "If a guy comes to school on Monday and says "I had a great time Saturday night--I got soooo wasted I don't even remember it!" then did he really have a good time?" Just because I was a stupid teenager I didn't think I *had* to drink & screw around; my mormon & catholic buddies and I seemed to make plenty of havoc on our own. I had a tough time with girls but that's a whole 'nother story, so I spent plenty o' time wankin'.

I guess the only advice I have is that if you have memories of what you *wish* you'd done in the old days, remember that you probably did have plenty of good times, and the other stuff, uhhhh, hello memories and Mr. Right Hand.

Almost everyone wishes they could recoup something they feel they have been cheated of. I would like to relive my childhood with a non psychopath mother. I'd like back the time and tithing i gave to the morg. I could go on and on. It pays to deal with it and move on and to concentrate on things that really go well. You have a nice family but cannot pick up now to do things trying to relive your youth. Coming here to vent, I think, is a positive step in the direction toward healing.I wish the best for you. ((( )))

I suggest listening to the Confessions of the Mormon Swinger Infants on Thrones podcast.

No one got everything out of their youth that they wanted. I sowed enough wild oats to feed the entire continent of Africa for a year, but my life began when I started caring more about accomplishing worthwhile things. Suddenly there was real meaning.

Trix are for kids and so are wild oats.

Wild oats are only good because you are young and too innocent or naive to realize that half of what you are doing is either a waste of time or dangerous. Doing the same things when you are much older is just not the same.

Maybe write your bucket list of what you want out of the rest of your life--as in a real future--and put a few really wild and crazy things on it. Include your wife for most of it. There is plenty to do still in this world that is way better than some twenty year old would choose to do.

There are better seeds to sow. Figure out which ones you want and concentrate on them instead.

Have fun with your wife, go to some adult shops together.You can make up for lost time without sleeping around.Honestly sex and the single scene is nowhere as good as opening up the horizons with sombody who you love and loves you.

I was a molly through and through. My husband was a jackmo of sorts, so he "lived" a little (at least more than I did) before we got married. So he did sow some oats so to speak.

I went through what you're describing about a year after we left the church. Its rough! So many lost opportunities.

I think I finally decided I had a pretty damn good life. I Put that energy into having fun with my husband, and making what I have better than ever.

Its sounds like we're around the same age too. Mid 30's? Pushing 40? Aging is a bitch.

Go out with your wife. Go to a nice bar. Go dancing. Take weekend trips just the two of you. Be naughty with her and this phase of regret will pass.

I don't think the parties would be as fun and exciting as you are imagining. I'm not real sure they are even for most young people. They're doing what their friends are doing. They talk up the experience later with a great deal of pride .. how wasted they were, what a great time they had, how they ingested or smoked this or that and so on. You are going by these sorts of accounts.. the actual experiences may have been pretty shabby. As for one night stands, chalk it up as a lingering sexual fantasy that any other man might have. Single, no problem if it works for everybody. Married..? Find something else. Learn to ski. Go deep sea fishing.

Also remember that most young men of any stripe did not and don't get laid left and right by random attractive women. That's why they call it "getting lucky".

It's up to you. And your wife, I guess. I felt the same way after my first marriage, which ended for personal reasons. Now I'm in an open relationship. You could give that a try if your wife's ammenable, but if not I wouldn't push it.

I told my boyfriend before we got involved that I never really got to get out, flirt, and sleep around when I was younger. I need time to find myself and experience all the world has to offer. Thankfully, he understands. Gay guys can be pretty mellow about that sort of thing.

I still worry that he'll get jealous if/when I date a woman. (I'm pansexual). I don't think other guys will be a problem since we're both fans of threesomes/group sex. I'm even planning on fixing him up with someone really hot next year around Halloween.

I'm not advising you to cheat, but if you think you need to get out and sow some wild oats it's definitely something you and your wife should keep talking about and give some serious consideration to. However, I also happen to think it should go both ways. If you're interested in sleeping around you should give her the option to do so as well. She may or may not take it, but if you can't stand the thought of her sleeping with someone else then you can't expect her to endure you sleeping with someone else either.

I have walked this path. I have felt everything you feel. I am now going through a divorce and am working hard to maintain good relationships with my family. All I can say is be true to your integrity, don't become a liar, and if need be, do things in their proper order. The reality is the only thing crazier than a TBM is a middle aged exmo male trying to make up for "lost time." Good luck and think about things very carefully, after all, your pursuit of the path you have followed up to this point is I assume a pursuit of doing what you thought was right, religious silliness aside. That doesn't have to change. Good luck whatever you choose. - a kindred brother

Living well is the best revenge.

Sounds like a garden variety Mid-Life Crisis, worsened by leaving TSCC.

You can't go back. You can't spend your 21st B-day with a drink in hand and two Buxom Broads on your arm at a blackjack table in Las Vegas. Or any of those other things. But you can live well (better) now. Do things with you wife and family that are out of your normal routine to jazz things up a bit. Realize that you can live better without living wild. Don't let TSCC win by allowing the time you spent with them to sabotage your Living Well Revenge.

"Is it possible to be rid of these feelings?" Yes and you nailed the solution to this whole issue: Realize you didn't miss a thing and make the most of your life now as many have suggested. Those stories you're listening to around the water cooler get better with age...divide all of it by 2. At least.

"Anyway to have my cake and eat it too?" Yes, but not in the way you mean...in the way other posters have suggested: With your beautiful wife.

"Or am I just F.U.B.A.R-ed?" Nope, not at all. Just a little bit of uncritical thinking going on in your exmo brain:)

DO NOT mess up what you have in your hands trying to catch the wind.

You can be an adult, or you can relive your younger years. You can't really 'make up for lost time' -- you can jeopardize your career by getting drunk to excess, and you can jeopardize your relationship by sleeping around, but you cannot do both of those things while still keeping said career and wife.

You've made your choice. Most people grow out of those phases, you just beat them to it, without chancing STD's, out-of-wedlock children, hangovers, or any of the other myriad issues a hard-partying lifestyle brings to the table. These weren't taken from you; you chose not to participate in them.

The only compromise is to find a safe outlet to live your dreams. Buy some alcohol. Tell your wife to pick out a nice tube top and mini skirt and take a flight somewhere sunny for the weekend. Party, but do it while maintaining your fidelity.

I felt the same way you do and I did what you're wanting to. I travel for work and got caught up in an intense affair. I'm a fairly regular poster by the way. The guilt that caused me to tell my Wife and all of the pain I caused my family and the other Woman wasn't nearly worth it. I should have spent that energy on counseling with my wife. You're talking about wanting to exert sexual control on other Women. It's a silly notion when you analyze it. Having a Wife that loves you and kids you love is worth more than any amount of sex or excitement. I felt trapped just like you did, I know exactly how you feel. I should have manned up and either sought divorce or counseling. That's what I would advise for you. Trust me, any other arrangement is NOT worth and is a fast track to extreme amounts of pain and hurt.

If you choose to sleep around with your wife, you risk the chances of knocking someone up, STIs that incurable at this time, destroying your marriage, and losing the respect of your kids. You should know that Syphilis is making a comeback and chlamydia and gonorrhea are producing antibiotic resistant strains and bringing back one of the 9 strains of HPV can give your wife cervical cancer. Condoms are great, but not 100%. Don't think it can't happen to you, because everyone thinks that until they're pissing fire or finding bumps all over their genitals.

Is it worth it?

A marriage is not all about one person, it involves more than just YOUR desires and wants. That is the reality of it.

As someone who sowed just about every oat you can think of, sure, unbridled hedonism is fun until you realize you've been awake for an undetermined amount of time, haven't eaten for at least 2 days, and then proceed to have a psychotic break because you're freaked out you're stuck in the Terrestial or Telestial Kingdom and this is now your reality.

Sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it? Yes, that really happened and yes, I still bear physical scars from it.

Granted, that's an extreme situation, but things can go downhill fast when you want to fully embrace hedonism .

Swinging and open marriages only work if both people are on board and know what the lifestyle entails.

My advice? Listen to what the others said here. Visit an adult novelty shop with your wife. Dress up in costumes and role play. Spend some time doing wine, beer, or liquor flights. Take a romantic vacation where you both can let loose without the kids. Take up new hobbies.

I'm a former party girl that still likes to party, but my life is much more worthwhile with my BF, (we've been together for 10 years) my cats, my hobbies, my plants, and my friends that don't necessarily party.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2015 09:04PM by Itzpapalotl.

We had this thread last year. Yours was mine. word for word. There were a lot of good comments, but truth be brutally told, I wanted to feel what it was like to be deep up, and deep down, and deep in, someone else. Even though my wife is incredibly attractive. So if had absolutely nothing to do with her. Nothing at all.

The ONLY comment that sank in for me, was someone who said "friend, your wife got ripped off too, the church f?cked you both up, why do you want to make her suffer further?"

Once that sank in, the "I missed out" thing went in a flash. This person was right. I loved her to pieces and they stole from both of us. Not me. What, she wouldnt want to experience the sensation of a different size shape and sizzle for experience sake? I was just thinking about me.

I get my fix by going to strip clubs with friends when I'm away for work every month or so. We live East Coast so there's no shortage anyway, although I don't think there's a city I've been to without one. I don't do lap dances, DW has said she feels that's not right for our relationship, but having a purve......sometimes up close, gets that fix out of my system and she's cool with that.

Maybe that's helpful. I was there. Word for word. I feel for you.

Oh, and give xhamster a go :-)

Go party...piss off some TBM's, raise some hell...do shit that appeals to your apostate side...but, DON'T cheat on your wife...even if she kinda, sorta gives you a pass. It's something you can't undo. Just a little grandfatherly advice from an old guy.

RB



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2015 09:02PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

The actual sowing will undoubtedly be a disappointment from your expectations.

The cost of this venture will be immeasurable, probably including a long term costs from the damage caused between you and your children.

They will eventually learn of this venture, or figure it out and ask you. No a out of sexual debt would be worth having to answer those questions when your kids ask.

Let it go, and be pissed at LDS Inc for the rest of your days because of what they took from you.

If you want to make this into a positive experience, share it with some missionaries tha Bare currently in the field.

> "I found out the truth 3 years ago, resigned, and we all haven't been to church since that time."



Not trying to be rude here, but how did this happen, if you don't mind my asking?

It may be just the awkwardness of trying to type one's history in a single post, but understandably reads a little out of balance.

As pleased as I am to see that she also left, I have to question, is she still TBM in her heart, won't join you in sowing oats, has no oats of her own?

I'm not trying to be judgemental, but trying to question if you should question what it is you're after, and the areas of your lives you want opened for discussion.

What if your wife had been the author of your post? Are you okay if she gets a sitter, and you both go digging in new fields? She may feel that she lost out too, by marrying when she was so young. I'll assume she is a SAHM, so she also lost out on a career and fifteen years to build it. Just guessing, but if so, you both sowing oats could open a world of possibilities for her in that area as well. It might be damned good for her, in discovering her authentic self.

You asked for help, but really didn't say why she is not a part, of this part, of your journey out.

I don't need or want answers to these questions, but I hope for you that you either know them, or will discover them, before you choose to act on the well-earned rage inspired by TSSC. Were I you, I would also be interested to know how my wife was coping with her rage, especially after I shared with her how much I lost when I chose her, no matter how softly I had tried to explain it.


Awesome is as awesome does.

I sowed the wild oats for three years after my wife filed for divorce and I stopped going to church. I never did anything illegal, but some crazy things. Things that even nevermos would feel like they missed out on in the sexual department.

Bottom line is that it isn't what it's cracked up to be. I would have my family still entact if I could. A word of caution too. Most of the LDS people I went to high school with in the late 90's are leaving in droves. From what I can tell, the couples who both leave the church, the husband wants to make up for lost time and stay with his wife, while the wife wants to make up for lost time and GTFO.

If I were you I would find out where your wife's mind is at. If she wants to explore it may not be with you.

I thoroughly enjoyed my misspent youth, but the truth is you can't turn back the clock. After a while the party lifestyle gets old and you move on to adulthood. I would appreciate what you have and not risk losing it. Come up with some new adventures to enjoy. Take up skiing or sailing or whatever gets your adrenaline moving.