Just at that point in the three-hour rack of verbiage, your mind turning to top yourself, you're sure you deserve a Sunday morning in bed, sprogs slouch and slobber on the hard seats, life can't get any worse - a ray of sunshine suddenly radiates from the stand when someone who should know better lets slips a ... come again?

Thin, gaunt, slippery, public school teacher glass-eyes advises the youth of the war to take of advantage of the spirit of prophecy currently emboldening the ward.

And he was serious.

Then there was the ward lonnie (of which I shared joint honour) in the very same meeting screaming and pleading to the congregation ad nauseam that evolution is not true! It's not true! Not true! Evolution is not true!

I counselled both brothers after the meeting in the spirit of friendship that I was sure the Morgbot brain over time was becoming more frail, and perhaps for time and eternity.

In the very name of Joseph the jester

Christmas greetings and best regards esias

Oh, so many, it's hard to choose.

I guess the thing that struck me as the craziest at the time I heard it was the idea of faking a testimony until you had one. What???? I was a teenager and didn't know much about psychology or cult conditioning, but I knew dishonesty when I saw it. They were telling me to lie about what I believed or didn't believe.

There have been waves of crazy.

Remember the seventies wave of nutty over food storage? I sold a house to the lady who wrote that best-seller about how to use food storage bins as furniture- just cover them with fabric. I got to see her move in with her French provincial pieces, not a food storage can in sight.

Then there was a wave of devil-fear. Satan is always there with his ear to your mouth because he can't read your mind, so he listens to everything you say. This is from the lecturn, podium, the stand is what we called it. People got so whipped up they said that any time curtains moved indoors it was the movement of demons in the drapes. We are so clueless to what they are doing, they move freely among the saints.

Nuclear incineration also enjoyed a heyday. I made sand bags and a geiger counter in Relief Society out of a #10 can, foil and string (you can't make this stuff up). One morning the town fire alarm went off at 6:00 am and (per our drills), our whole family was throwing sandbags on the basement windows, running around barefoot in the snow.

What's the craziest thing I heard while Mormon?

That the apostles know who the antiChrist is and they sent missionaries--who were sent back by the Three Nephites who never leave his side. They are always there protecting the faithful (meaning only temple-going Mormons get the 3Nephite protection package).

Back to wrapping gifts....:) Have a great Monday all


Kathleen

Moultrie GA ward, 1997: EQP (70 years old) gets up an announces that he got a telescope recently and he saw Kolob. "it is a speck, closest to the sun". He felt proviledged tbe count himself in the short list ofthose who have seen Kolob.

Quincy, FL: 1996: A mentally hadicapped young man, Jeff, who likes to bear his testimony at every ocassion gets up while a new very large and well endowed african american woman is bearing her first ever testimony. Jeff, siddles up to ger and hugs her, then makes his move and reaches in her shirt and gets a handful, ath the pulpit, the woman, not knowing the protocol allows it to happen and mumbles: I love you too...

Mesa, AZ 2000ish: A SS teacher, who would later be convicted of plotting the murder of the sheriff and governor, explains that AZ used to be a mich different and peaceful place before the lamanites came, becuase before that it was "just Nephites."

Tallahassee, FL 1998: A missionary gets up and annouces his love and engagement to the bishop's 14 year old daughter. This is news to everyone except the girl, who walk up to the podium as her dad tries to restrain her.

North Salt Lake, UT: 2010. A registered child sex offender, one of 4 active in the EQ, is treaching a lesosn on repetance, he says: Don't let guilt keep you from coming to church, just beucase you looked at a "couple of things" does not mean that you were "supposed to be perfect".

In EQ meeting, soon after Hurricane Katrina had killed a large number of people in New Orleans and on the Gulf Coast, a quorum member said (paraphrasing the gist of it from 10 years ago):

"I've seen them. Those people down there in New Orleans were becoming very wicked. Looks like the Lord decided to punish them for their sins by destroying their city."

Even as a TBM after hearing the above I wanted to vomit. It was just so insensitive, cruel, and judgmental. Later I wondered why I couldn't see that I was applying a different standard to disasters from the BOM than I would to disasters from real life. Of course, none of the disasters in the book, had I been honest with myself about this side of it, felt even a little bit real to me. It's confusing, isn't it.

Of course, isn't travelling through the land of confusion sometimes the price of ascending the peaks of sanity on the other side?

"I know this church is true."

But you wanted a zany one, so here goes...we were speaking of our life's goals in elders' quorum. A man gets his words mixed up--

"I want to consummate my marriage on the alter of the holy temple."

I think he meant consecrate! The Boner.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/15/2014 12:43PM by byuboner.

Was he related to Warren Jeffs?

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,485938,485938



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/15/2014 04:31PM by Elder Berry.

That the pedophile JS was a profit of god.

1973 London FT meeting the 16 shining stones of the Brother of Jared have been found, and are on display in Salt Lake City

1973 Great Yarmouth, England stake conference if you have not completely gathered your food storage, it is now too late to do so

circa 1995 in Stake Presidency meeting the SP went on and on about the Spanish speaking ward in the stake, sac meeting attendance at 95%, HT at 95%, etc. His reason was that the Lamanites were getting hold of the gospel and putting us gentiles to shame. Real reason? The spanish bishop was cooking the books...only found out after he was released and a new bishop discovered the misreporting.

a couple of years ago.....Jeff Holland...."I am not a dodo."

In order to truly obtain salvation you must procreate.

They were telling me to lie about what I believed or didn't believe.

THIS IS PURGERY

For me, the craziest thing was on a Sunday in October 2001, in SS. Some lady said that the attacks that September were a "blessing" because it meant that the Middle East would be opened to missionaries being sent.

That people c/would have go/ gone to the CK by following Satan's plan of compulsion.

Yes, Really.

The reason blacks were not admitted into the priesthood initially was because they were not "ready" for it.

Oh yes, and the moon could not have been landed on because it is literally the terrestrial kingdom.

Oh I'm sorry but one more. This comes from my greenie during my mission. "Elder my testimony is not based on the spirit, but rather on science. I major in Quantum Physics."

"I know this church is true." I heard it a lot, and it never sounded quite sane to my ears. There seems to be a real desperation in those words. And the statement always comes from someone who hasn't been challenged in any way. Why declare the truth of local culture? Crazy.

From a women in fast and testimony meeting: "satan was so powerful he even tempted me at the temple. I was sitting in the temple getting ready for a session and satan kept giving me bad thoughts.... You know immoral ones.... About a certain male part.... Ok, putting on my mind images of a penis. I had to pray real hard for God to take it out of my mind."

Above incident in 2007.

A lady that sang loud, off key, and with a very screechy voice got up and read the riot act to some teenagers. Their big sin was making fun of her singing. She took up half of the meeting yelling at those kids.

We had a crazy lady in our ward who believed her hamsters communicated with other animals. When the bishop came to her house he didn't set her straight but instead blessed the hamsters (making peeping sounds - hamster language, I guess), and confirmed that the hamsters would proclaim the gospel among the animals on this world. True story!!

Taylorsville, UT ward Relief Society - a sister asks why Mormons are encouraged to marry so young and another sister answered "So they don't go out into the world and get tempted by the world and led astray by Satan and leave the church. What really shocked me is that everyone nodded in agreement. In that same ward we had the classic Utah old guy prayer once too where he gets up and thanks God he lives in Utah and not in the sinful world, that he's surrounded by people who are better than outside of Utah, have higher morals and values and doesn't have to live with the wicked.

Bountiful, UT Sacrament meeting - a woman got up and in the course of her testimony shared her thanks for Heavenly Mother and said "My heavenly mother might not be the same person as your heavenly mother but I know we all have heavenly mothers that love us." You could actually see the bishopric cringing behind her on the stand.

I was helping this guy move over the weekend, who is kind of mentally unstable at best.

He said "Mark my words, I believe that the dollar will collapse within the next 6 months and TSM will have the Saints moving back to Missouri." Also he wouldn't be living in his new place very long because of this so he was 'not going to really unpack'

Well alrighty then!

These are all brilliant.
My RSP said that we should never donate organs because things would not go well during the resurrection.

I have heard lots of really stupid stuff said in MORmON meetings, but its hard to top the top MORmON for stupid. After all he is the top MORmON for a reason.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wALvdgurB4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YEMX0VooD4


honorable mention because this guy really was an idiot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3-buIzlTWI

When I was a teenager in Salt Lake I recall some guy that came to a youth meeting and told us how Satan followed him when he left the temple. He said that it was snowing, but the devil was in shirt sleeves.

Satan kept following him after he told him to not bother him. When he didn't, the guy said he raised his arm to the square and in the name of Jesus Christ commanded the devil to depart. He said the devil immediately disappeared because he cannot oppose anything done in Jesus name.

The guy then told us that Satan is real the will try to stop us from doing temple work whenever he can.

I later told my dad about it and he responded "get real"!

It was probably just some guy who happened to be walking behind him. I'm sure his version of the story is that he was just walking home minding his own business when some crazy guy approached him with one arm raised telling him to depart. I'd want to get away from him as well.

Alabama in the 70's: The Branch Pres. was conducting in SM and when giving the announcements he said, "For anyone wondering, the latest news on the n------ is,". I don't know what he said after that because I was in shock. I had just moved there from Utah I guess I had never heard that word said, especially from the stand.

Late '80s. The Stake presidency read a letter stating that we needed to vote Republican in the upcoming election. I about died. In his office (and against my then-husband's wishes because he wanted me to lay low), I told the Bishop that I wasn't Republican and that I would vote the way I felt. I also stated that I joined a religion and not a political party (shhhhh... I know, I know, I was wrong about that one, too). I told him that I wouldn't follow the directives of that letter. I was also Relief Society president at that time. He kindly listened, since I didn't yell, and really liked the man; I just spoke matter-of-factly. Unknown to me at the time, the only other person who talked with the Bishop about this letter was the only other liberal in the ward: the Elder's Quorum president. Nice man, too.

About a week later, the letter's message was revised stating that we should vote with our conscience. I was surprised they acted so quickly. Must have been a hell of a lot more people than the two of us who got that message changed.

Besides that, I can't believe I ever bore my testimony. Ever. That was pretty crazy, too.

Toronto 1st Ward, on Fasting Testimony Day, in Sacrament Meeting: In tears, he says, "I know that I'm not worthy of all these beautiful Daughters of God, because I masturbate."

A guy in my ward growing up told me that when his adopted son was sealed to him and his wife, the baby's DNA was changed to match that of his adopted parents. I was probably around 14 at the time and remember thinking that was impossible.

The guy always gave the girls in the ward the creeps. Later, we found out why. He went to prison for sexually abusing his bio-daughter.

That the church was true.

It was while I was preparing to go into the mission field, so late 1964. I was very active and extremely holy. Me 'n Jesus were tight...

I was attending some kind of stake youth leadership meeting and other than a guy from my ward, I didn't know anyone else.

The leader yah dah yah dah'ed us for awhile and then asked us something like, "How do you want the lord to describe how you spent your life?" Or something like that. But it had to do with spending your life making ghawd proud of you...

He starts at the front and each of us proto-GAs is trying to come up with something noble, yet humble and wonderful. I came up with something really grand and holy, but really, really humble. I did feel bad about not being able to cry on cue...

Now that I can pay full attention to what the others are saying, I'm busy critiquing what each kid is saying and giving myself even more kudos because they're way lamer than what I said. A sentiment that when I fully examined, I completely sustained.

And then it gets to this guy who stands up, clears his throat, smiles at the leadership guy and says, "I want to be a disc jockey." And then he sits down. I am 100% certain that it was exactly those seven words.

Of course at that time I remarked to myself that he had thrown away a chance to shine in front of people. I can't describe what he looked like, other than to say that he was probably 18 years old and blond haired. There wasn't anything unusual about his appearance. I never saw him ever again...

Of course now I can appreciate what he was saying to the rest of us, and I admire the heck out of him!