I just ran into a woman who was in my ward pretty much my entire life (she's around the same age as my parents), until I came out as a lesbian and stopped attending. The first thing she asked me was which ward I go to now, to which I responded with a not-so-eloquent "Oh, I, uh, don't go to church anymore." She was silent for ten seconds before changing the topic.

Is there a better way of answering questions like that? It's not as though I have any shame or embarrassment about leaving (quite the opposite) - it was just uncomfortable because she responded so awkwardly. I was also caught off guard because I had assumed most people from church were aware that I stopped going well over a year ago. Then again, that isn't the sort of information my parents would proudly broadcast.

I think that answer was fine. It was truthful without giving more info than you wanted to give.

That old "which ward do you attend?" crap is just to bait you. The incredulous look on their faces and "dead air time" is just another mean manipulation and a way to look down their noses.

Don't be offended, Ren.

Actually, even after several years, members of other wards ask me and not to offend me. I explain that I am no longer a member and that I sing in the choir in another church.

Thanks - you're right. At the very least, I'll be transferring in a little over a year to a different college in a city about five or six hours away, where there won't be anyone that recognizes me from church.

I would have said ..oh I go to the one true church which is non-denominational who accepts everyone with unconditional love. Have a great day...and then watch the cog-dis kick in..haa

Oh heavens, I quit going years ago!

If it's a person like Kathleen described trying to make you uncomfortable or embarrassed in order to make a point, add: You still go??? When they answer yes, say in a very nice tone, Oh, I'm kind of surprised. Then in the same breath YOU immediately change the subject.

Ha, that's a good suggestion!

Yeah I've been in that situation before! But it was my dad who set it up. He knew I wasn't attending (for years already) but when I was photographing a Mormon wedding (well the reception etc, since you can't actually photograph the ceremony!) (I was a pro wedding photographer at the time, so I was getting paid.)..

Anyway my dad sent the bishop of the singles ward where I was living over to talk to me. He 'invited' me to come attend the singles ward in that really annoying authoritarian way.

I was so annoyed that I just out right said that I don't go to church so no, I wouldn't be going to his ward.

I was unrepentant about it. And I think my attitude really took him aback. He looked shocked. I felt satisfied. And he shut up about it.

I think we need to learn to be proud of the fact and not give into their manipulative bullying questions and invitations. We have nothing to be ashamed of. So I think the best policy is to be forthright about it.

you did good!

That does sound really satisfying! Glad you responded so directly. The next time I run into someone from church I'll be more forward and see how it goes! The interaction would probably be uncomfortable for them either way, so I may as well get some satisfaction out of it.

In my opinion:

I've ran into this as well. What does an old mormon friend say to another old mormon friend when they meet in an isle at the grocery store? They usually say one of two things, "what ward are you in now? or What church callings do you have now?" I reply simply, "I haven't been to church for years" and let the awkwardness fall on the floor. It usually ends the conversation as I don't think TBM mormons can carry a conversation without it having references to mormonism in some way.

Yeah, without mormonism the conversation had no substance. She could've asked about college, but instead she said I had "gotten so pretty" and then left. The compliment didn't feel very genuine, and I think she was being nice to guilt me into going to church (which obviously isn't going to work).

IMO sometimes it pays to pick up the conversational ball (even if you shouldn't have to.) For example, you could reply, "I'm no longer active. I'm now in my [blank] year of college at State U., and I'm enjoying it greatly. I'm studying [blank.] How are you doing? How are your kids?"

Yes, in retrospect that would've been a good way to react. Something I'll keep in mind for next time!

I think that's gracious, and if the person was really just being friendly, then it makes a way for the conversation to be friendly and not have to be awkward for either person. Sometimes people really are just friendly.

The church isn't everything, it's the only thing.

When it comes up in a Catholic context, I simply say, "I no longer practice." You might go with, "I've been inactive for a long time," or "I am no longer a member." You could also add, "It wasn't working for me."

If Catholics can accept that without blinking (and they do,) then Mormons can as well.

Ren, I apologize for my caustic post above. I'm just cranky today.

No need to apologize!

It's hard to know what is the best answer to : what Ward are you in? I have said: I don't go to that church anymore while smiling and looking them in the eye.
That is a simple answer that children can use also.
If they ask why I might say: I changed my mind.
Then I change the subject and ask about them. People generally like to talk about their lives.
I also like to leave with: it's good to see you. Or nice seeing you today. Have a good day. And, always smile.
I want to always leave them with the feeling that I am OK, happy, doing well just in how I talk to them.

Your answer was just fine! Much of what typical Mormons ask is on the "none of your business" category anyhow but culturally they are accustomed to asking outrageously personal questions.

In joking with a friend I might say: that's a need to know question and you are not on the list! And laugh... that is if, I can get away with that kind of humor.

I remember someone on this board saying as an answer; "why do you need to know that" and changing the subject!

It all depends on what kind of relationship you want to have or if you care. If you want to get really honest and get in the nitty gritty you can always say: NO way Mormons are a bunch of kooks, that Mormon friend of mine ran off with my wife and my business, or some other such comment! :-)

Thanks for the advice! :) It is weird how accustomed mormons are to asking personal questions. With friends I can joke around, but anyone that I consider a friend is already aware of my situation and wouldn't need to ask. For acquaintances it's probably best to just answer directly and then change the subject, like you suggested.

Recently bumped into a hardcore TBM and was asked if I was coming back to church. Obviosly she didn't know I'd resigned. The look of horror from her, you'd think I'd committed a huge sin!

No one cares if someone changes from Methodist to Congregationalist or Presbyterian.

But it's some kind of scandal if they leave cult-like churches like mormonism.

I don't think anyone needs to feel badly if a mormon overreacts to someone who decides they're no longer in that church.

"Which ward do you go to now?"

The psychiatric ward at Western in Washington..... 3 times a week.... Monday, Wednesday and Friday....

"What ward do you attend?"

"None. How are you doing? It's been so long."

This has happened to me twice.

I simply laugh and say "oh, how funny! I haven't been a mormon since 1999!"

you did fine.

conversations with TBMs are often going to be awkward. she was probably thinking something like, "if you go to Ward X in the north part of town, my cousin also goes there and you can say hi for me!" then she had to readjust her thinking after your answer wasn't what she expected.

be glad that she was silent for a moment, rather than giving you a guilt trip or something else negative.

I wonder what would happen if you replied "The Burt Ward" or "The Cleaver Ward" and then quickly change the subject.

It might hit them hours later.