Posted by: Bentaylor23 ( )
Date: March 17, 2016 12:56AM
Told my wife. Did I make a mistake?

So I've been married for 10 years, whole family both sides are members and we have 2 kids. Went on a mission, married in the temple blah blah blah. I've always had doubts and it's only gotten worse since I moved away from Utah about 6 years ago. I have never been fully active missing church as much as possible but lately my wife noticed I wasn't going at all. She finally forced me to tell her my thoughts on it. She was angry and has given me the cold shoulder this whole week. I called her out on it and she said she needs time to process it. She's upset our family is no longer perfect and won't raise our young children with the same values. I told her I have not changed any of my values. Nothing has changed in fact; I just can't keep blindly going to church and pretending anymore. She said she's going to tell family and friends. I don't know what to do. I know I can't convince her to do any actually research on the church. She has too many friends and family in the church and would never leave. Even if she knew the church was a lie. What do I do? What's the next step to make this easier?

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1784900,1784900#msg-1784900

About all I can suggest is making sure your wife knows you've stopped believing in the *church* -- not in her.
Or the rest of your family.

It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard.
But hopefully it will be worth it.

All the best.

I would ask why your personal faith is suddenly something for family and friends to have an opinion on. It's very bad form to tattle to third parties in a marriage. They aren't part of the marriage.

Expect a shit storm but try to keep your cool. Give you wife time to think this through. Reassure your wife that your commitment to the family hasn't changed. Be patient.

Ditto to the above advice.

You did what you had to do, sooner or later. Sooner is better, as it had to come out at some time, and before you became bitter at having to walk on this tight rope.

I hope your marriage will be able to survive (if possible).

You did not make a mistake. Your wife made a mistake when she said, "I'm gonna tell." No disrespect to your wife, but that sounds SO grade school. This is nothing new. Lots of Mormons, especially wives, rally the troops to commiserate, give sympathy, and confirm that they are right. Ask your wife to keep this between you two as all marriages should be.

You have dared find out if your wife loves the church more than you. That takes guts. Time is your friend as you stay calm, continue to love and support, and disprove all her Mormon ally's predictions regarding your morals and behavior. Be yourself and time will tell. Patience and resolve.

I hate reading these posts and I feel so bad for those of you going through this. It is an unfair fight--you vs a cult. Cults never play fair. A non Moron could ask their spouse to honor their marriage vows, but since your wife is Mormon, she made her vows to the church really.

I hope you end up being one of the lucky ones.

I would ask your wife why she needs to tell family and friends about your private conversations. I would ask her what her goal is in doing so. What is she trying to achieve? Does she want to line up as many people who know both of you on her side? Does she recognize that this is the behavior of people who have broken up? Is that what she wants?

This may all sound rather confrontational, but the truth is that if she does go around recruiting everyone against you, it is the death of your marriage. If that is really what she wants to do, I would just file for divorce tomorrow. Sure, it will be painful, but it will be over a hell of a lot quicker.

What she said she wants to do is poison for your marriage.