Is it breaking a rule for a child to want something and ask for it?

It depends on the family. In some families there is an unwritten understanding that you aren't supposed to want things except what you are offered. If you want something more, you are greedy, or selfish, vain or picky (if it's non-dumpy clothes you want), or just a bother.

I know a little bit about about this. Thank goodness I was the younger part of the family. There was more money, and the unspoken rules had softened by the time I came along. I can attest to the fact that those who are regularly put down when they ask for what they want . . . learn to suffer, and are afraid to ask what what they want and need.

Thanks. This is exactly what I was seeing---and it feels wrong to me.

In mormonism yes

No rule that I ever heard of. Our kids had want-lists! And they got a lot of it. Every family has a style of parenting that the parents pick up on very early on.
Most of the time we knew what the kids needs and wants were.
Had nothing to do with religion.

We didn't have a rule about asking for something when I was a kid. But the answer was always no.

I figured out fairly early in life that it was better to just charge ahead and do something rather than ask and be told "no." And then, if possible, hide the evidence.

Doing something that you really WANTED to do - AND getting away with it - wow, those were peak experiences. And I wasn't really a bad kid, though I was often told that I was bad. It was mostly stuff like refusing to eat certain things, talking back, or get this - getting hurt while playing. I often got punished for ordinary scrapes, scratches, or splinters. My mother rationalized that I must have been doing something stupid, or I would not have been hurt. I learned to hide injuries.

When I was in my mid-30s, I told my doctor about neck pain. After I got x-rays, my doctor asked me why I hadn't told him that my neck had hairline fractures in two places. I didn't tell him because I literally didn't know. I knew that I had been hurt (I remember both injuries) but I was terrified that my mother would punish me for having been stupid.

Decades later, I told my mother about some of these injuries. She told me that I was right - she WOULD have punished me.

No. Isn't that usually what is done in prayers (not just children)? Also, with Santa?

Yep. I was taught to never ask, in some very harsh ways. I'm in my 50s, and it can still take some time to realize that I want something. Then, I to provide it for myself, if able. If not, I usually go without.

We could ask in the immediate family. We usually only got big things on Christmas, bdays or back to school. We often asked for little things and often got them. Bigger things had to wait for special occasions. We were not supposed to.ask people outside the immediate family for things though. That was considered rude and greedy.

This was a common manners rule taught to young children decades ago.

The rule was:

Never ask for anything. Only take when something is offered.

I grew up under this rule.

OK, sounds like it wasn't related to the religion, but just common expectation in a lot of families. I have to say, I was shocked and saddened when the adult asked got all mean and shaming---I thought it was healthy and a good thing to identify what one wants, and say so---and it was asked politely, with no sense of demand or expectation of entitlement.

I hope that all of us who are still learning to identify what we want and think it's ok to ask for it, or even want it---make progress in that direction.

Sometimes I hear someone talking about trusting God as a father, and use examples of a little kid being able to just go to the fridge and get something, or just ask what they want, and I think, wow, maybe it was that way in your family; it sure wasn't in mine. Sometimes God is Love, God is Father---and what those words mean can be interesting, depending on what our earthly father was like, eh? We are learning--partly from each other, so thank you, all who responded to this question!

My parents always said it was OK to ask THEM but that they didn't want to hear that we had hit up any of the grandparents for anything. The part about the grandparents came after my eighty-something-year-old grandmother had felt obligated to grant a cousin's request to kick in a large wad of cash toward a luxury car.

If it was a realistic request request, my parents tried to work something out with us. When my sister wanted them to set her up in a salon/spa of her own at the age of twenty-two when she had virtually no money to put toward it herself, they told her she needed to work for long enough to earn at least a tenth of the startup costs. I didn't think that was in any way unreasonable on my parents' part. That particular sister was always a bit entitled.

My sister ,when she was little, once asked my grandmother for something that a cousin had made for her. My grandma had practically raised the girl who was born out of wedlock until her mother married and moved far away. This object was important to my grandmother as she didnt see much of the child any more, but she gave it to my sister regardless. My mother found out and made DS give it back and made sure all of us knew that we didnt go into peoples' houses,even relatives', and ask for things. She made it clear without being harsh or humiliating DS. That had nothing to do with religion and was all about behaving properly and not putting people on the spot. We were free to ask our parents for things, but not people outside of the immediate family. If someone asked us what we would like for a gift, that was different as long as we didnt ask for something exorbitant. I had no problem with the rule. seems to be common good manners

Your parents were a lot like mine in this regard, Bona Dea.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2017 02:42AM by scmd.

We could ask, but often the answer was 'no' and we knew better,usually,than to pitch a fit. I really dont see a problem with kids asking parents for things as long as it doesnt get out of hand and if they can handle 'no'. It is a little different if the kids are grown and have their own money and there is no emergency involved.

When we wanted something, my parents usually helped us find ways to earn extra cash to buy the thing ourselves unless Christmas or a birthday was coming. If the item was something financially far out of our reach, the answer was usually no. My mom prides herself on usually having said no to requests in grocery stores but never once having to deal with tantrums or even major whining as a result.

I think that Bona Dea and SCMD's parents handled the matter similarly to how my parents did: big things at Christmas; smaller items (maybe) during the year if we could afford them; and don't ask friends or relatives for things you don't have. I remember my mom chewing me out in the 8th grade because I insisted that my best friend (he still is that) give me albums without my paying for them.

That best friend is an interesting case, though. While, according to him, his parents did buy him and his brother and sisters gifts for Christmas, they never purchased large or expensive gifts for them; rather, they insisted that their children learn to save whatever money they could and pay for those more expensive gifts with their own money.

Thinking about this as a 54-year-old adult now, I think my best friend's parents were on to something, something that a lot of people being raised now do not have; namely, the idea that you are not always going to get everything you want, even as an adult. Sure, there will be a lot of material (and sometimes non-material) things that you may want, but it turns out that either you can't afford them or, if you could afford them, they would make havoc of your current relationships with other people. Learning to save (and sometimes do without) is not an easy task; but it is a better lesson to learn in the long term, especially when one realizes that there really are not enough resources available in this world to give everybody everything they want when they want it.

blindguy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> Thinking about this as a 54-year-old adult now, I
> think my best friend's parents were on to
> something, something that a lot of people being
> raised now do not have; namely, the idea that you
> are not always going to get everything you want,
> even as an adult. Sure, there will be a lot of
> material (and sometimes non-material) things that
> you may want, but it turns out that either you
> can't afford them or, if you could afford them,
> they would make havoc of your current
> relationships with other people. Learning to save
> (and sometimes do without) is not an easy task;
> but it is a better lesson to learn in the long
> term, especially when one realizes that there
> really are not enough resources available in this
> world to give everybody everything they want when
> they want it.

When we made it back to Utah for good after being in Hawaii for several years and in California for three years, my parents decided that they would purchase either a nice boat or would put in a pool. My mom had a slight preference for a pool while my dad had a slight preference for a boat. They decided to put it up for a vote. Even the two married sibs got a vote each (to be shared with spouses). The pool won easily. Years later I learned that with my mom's inheritance and the sale of the rights to two different medical devices my dad had invented and patented, money was not in any way close to tight. My parents could have easily afforded both the pool and the boat. I asked my dad about it not long ago. He said that he didn't want us as kids to get the idea that our parents were too comfortable, and that they wanted us to understand that life involved prioritizing and giving up one thing in order to have another. Once we were all out on our own and struggling to pay bills, then my dad bought his boat.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2017 04:47AM by scmd.

It sounds like those were wise parents.

This is such an interesting topic. My parents had us convinced that money was extremely tight, and that we shouldn't ever want beyond the basics. Turns out, they had put away enough money that they had to have accounts at more than one bank. This was back when FDIC wouldn't insure more than 100,000 or so per account holder.

They taught us how to live frugally, shop sales, etc. Which is good. But I'm still trying to shake the scarcity mindset: fear of not having enough; and guilt for spending money on something that isn't on sale, costs a little more, or isn't absolutely necessary for survival.

I think parents need to strike that balance where kids are raised to believe they can have things. But they won't get EVERYTHING they want, they won't get it all right away, and they'll have to work for it.

I don't see anything wrong with kids asking their parents for things on occasion. My parents put me on an allowance so that I could provide most smaller items (toys, candy, etc.) for myself. It was a good lesson in budgeting, saving, and deferred gratification.

I don't think that kids should ask other people for things, or should ask for personal possessions. I'm always amused on field trips when certain students will ask me to buy them a toy or some candy. Umm, no, your treat is going to the zoo. Providing for you is your parents' job.

I also forbid my students from giving away anything because I've seen too many cases where they change their minds. I tell them that their parents work very hard to provide them with things, and it is not appropriate for them to give those things away. Our school has free breakfast and lunch for every student, so that is not an issue.

As a kid I asked for what I wanted and generally got ignored. So I would keep asking over and over while calling my parent's name (Mommy or Daddy) constantly until I got their attention. Finally, one of my parents would turn to me and and say, "Stop whining". All they had to do was say "No, you cannot have a cookie so stop asking" and I would have left them alone but they just ignored me. I was an adult before I realized that whining wasn't the same as asking for something. The funny part of this story is that I learned from this experience to go out and just get what I wanted for myself or do what I wanted without asking anyone because asking got me nowhere. Then my parents kept asking each other why I never told them where I was going or what I was doing before I did it. They kept complaining that I was too independent. Geesh.

When I learned that whining was complaining about things and not asking for things, I had to laugh. My dad was the biggest whiner on the planet.