Posted by:
ificouldhietokolob
(
)
Date: November 07, 2017 11:03AM
Salt Lake City (AP), April 6, 2020
The LDS Church announced today that the church's "prophet, seer, and revelator," Dieter Uchtdorf, has received a revelation reversing a long-time church policy.
"The Lord has told our prophet that masturbation is healthy, natural, and entirely holy," said church spokesman Randall Christenson. "Henceforth, all members will be encouraged to masturbate regularly to maintain long-lasting health, both physical and mental," he added.
Christenson said the prophet received the revelation while supplicating the Lord for guidance alone in the Salt Lake Temple. He suddenly felt the Spirit of the Lord come upon him, and in a voice that felt like thunder, he heard the words, "Dieter, you jack-off!" The prophet took this as a command, and did as he was instructed. Despite his age and persistent difficulty achieving an erection, by the power of the Spirit he managed to comply, and upon finishing felt such a powerful feeling of holy release, that he knew this was the Lord's instruction for the entire church.
Accordingly, local bishops will change their "worthiness interview" questions for youth. Formerly, bishops would ask youth if they had been masturbating, and if they had, would chastise them or impose church discipline on them. Going forward, the same question will be asked, but if the youth reply negatively, they will be instructed to attend "temple preparation classes" where they will receive instruction in holy masturbation.
The prophet's "revelation" is currently being written up, and will be submitted to the church membership for sustaining as church canon at the faith's annual Spring General Conference this week. Confirmation is virtually assured, said Christenson, who then excused himself to go to his private bathroom and follow the commandments of the Lord.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2017 11:10AM by ificouldhietokolob.