You leave the church and suddenly discover you don't have any friends. How do you make new ones?

This article at Ideas.TED.com offers some suggestions.
https://ideas.ted.com/feel-like-you-dont-fit-in-heres-how-to-find-where-you-truly-belong/?utm_campaign=social&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_content=ideas-blog&utm_term=social-science

<<Perhaps the first step to finding people like yourself is to show up as yourself.>>

Some of us have been so conditioned by Mormonism (and perhaps by society) to think we have to act a certain way in order for people to like us, that we need to mirror their behaviors, attitudes and appearances. In other words, don't be our icky, unlikeable selves, be fake. That's tiring and crazy making.

<<'Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must exist within you. Only as we are in communion within ourselves can we be in community with others,' wrote philosopher Parker Palmer>>

Once we allow ourselves to be our true selves, then we go in search of like-minded communities. There are several types: communities of shared practice, communities of shared proximity, communities of shared passions, communities of providence, and communities of shared purpose. The 'net is a good place to find these communities.

Since the LDS church sort of supplied us with a pool of "friends," some of us freak out at the idea of walking into a room of strangers. But if it's a room people with a shared interest, then they're only partial strangers. It's like when we used to show up at a new ward. Hey, at least you had the church in common.

But, unlike Mormonism, new friends aren't going to just show up at your door. You have to take action.

I love this thread and it is so important to find your people. Your logical family. One thing that was tough for me was understanding who I really was. Mormonism had made such a big imprint on my personality that it was difficult to de-interleave my own personality from the cult's.

All I can say was that I tried very hard to listen to my heart and my intuition - both things the mormons tell you not to listen too. My heart never steered me wrong.

I have a good group of friends now and I feel like I can be who I am all of the time with no pretense.

I didn't need to find my people. I did know deep down that mormons were not my people. I went to church to listen, attend meetings. I hated their social events.

My daughter asked me a few years after she became TBM why I didn't go walking with some of the women in the neighborhood or be their friends instead of going out to dinner with my ex and his boyfriend (my boyfriend lived a state away). I told her I knew them all before she did and I know whether I'm going to be a friend with someone very quickly after I get to know them. I also don't like to walk with people. I like to walk at my own speed and listen to music.

I guess my people are gays!!! Those are who most of my friends are now.

Growing up in California I didn't have to find "my people",

I always had them and they weren't mormons. I had tons

of friends even though I was a mormon. Don't get me wrong,

I had Mormons as friends at church and I liked all of them and

sometimes we'd socialize and I'd go out with the mormon guys

but my main friends weren't mormons. It was a good life. It

must be so hard for people who don't have non mormon friends

and then leave the church.

Yeah, I suspect that growing up outside the morridor makes it easier...You become accustomed to having non-mormon friends, so that when you are cut off, or they cut you off, the lack of mormons in your life is not as noticeable.

Hmmmm... Now that I think about it, I didn't have any friends when I was a kid, at the Y or in my career. Jesus, what have I done with my life!!!

Dawg, I’ve got you Dawg! (In my best Cher voice)...

I learned that real friends didn’t care about my religion, my political views, or my foul language. And, I learned that real friends can’t be determined by looks or piety. Many of my new friends are either nevermos or exmos. Best wishes, The Boner.

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I learned that real friends didn’t care about my
> religion, my political views, or my foul language.
> And, I learned that real friends can’t be
> determined by looks or piety. Many of my new
> friends are either nevermos or exmos. Best wishes,
> The Boner.


You are absolutely right Boner.

I never really felt like I fit in as a Mormon.

After leaving that behind and visiting other churches I inevitably would leave them too, because they didn't feel right to me either (although they were all better than the LDS was.)

My new "church" home where I've stayed for the past six plus years is a Jewish synagogue. They are my people. That is my family.

It is there I belong. Although I reserve the right to leave if and when I change my mind. After having been a Mormon I am beholden to no one.

All my life I felt like a misfit among Mormons. Among Jews I feel as though I'm one of the tribe, and that I've come home of sorts. I've always had a questioning, analytical mind, albeit I was the most spiritual one of my mother's children (according to my mum.) I still am.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I feel as though I'm one of the tribe...

Ephraim or Manasseh? :D

Fortunately, I had friends outside the cult. When a member, I was periodically chided for that, but when I left and was shunned, I didn't miss those assholes.

Thank you for this thread, Wunderdog. This is putting things into perspective for me.

I never felt 100% Mormon, either. I was very obedient, but my heart was always somewhere else--out the window, if the church classroom happened to have windows. I felt more comfortable with animals and trees, than with bossy, judgmental Mormons. I was born and raised in California, and most of my friends were non-Mormons, and their parents were a good influence on me. I was sickened by the Mormons' racism and sexism and elitism, and would sometimes think they were kidding, it was so extreme.

I could never fall in love with one of these creatures. The boys were fun to date and ski with--but not to marry. My BYU boyfriends were sort of like "clones" to me--they all said the same things. They would try to get serious on the second date, and they were still strangers to me--it was very uncomfortable.

So--I wasn't the only one who didn't make any lasting friends at BYU! I was thinking about that a few days ago. If I had not gone to BYU those four years, I would have gotten a much better education elsewhere, and I would have been much happier. There was plenty of fun at BYU, but no real joy. The friends I had there were the same friends who came there with me from my hometown, and we are still friends, now. About half have left the cult.

My real family is my family! We are all on the same page. My children are parents, and have the same goals as I do. They live in the same neighborhood. The cult was what we fought about the most. They hated church, and I tried to force them to go, because I had been brainwashed into thinking "Mormonism is the best way to raise children." Wrong! I think my children would have ended up distancing themselves from me, had I remained pushy Mormon.

A lot of my cousins have left the cult, too, particularly those close to me in age. We are friends as well as relatives, and literally "from the same tribe."

My self, and my people were always there! It's as if some alien monster took over my being for a while (it might have been Satan!) and tried to transform me into something false and cold-hearted. Thank God I have people that I love!

I agree with finding communities of shared passions along with the other categories. I have written a bit about music as being a community for me. Also, being with people of shared passions allows you to socialize with interesting folks you may never would of met otherwise. I had a gig this past weekend and needed a fill in musician. The guest musician was a Muslim jazz saxophonist. Getting to know someone of an entirely different background certainly enriches life. Later today I will travel to Chattanooga with a friend to play in an orchestra. Friendships have been made through music for me. I am an introvert and music has been a means for me to develop a bit of a social life.

It takes effort. The Mormon church has an appeal of having instant friends when you join or move to a new ward. The overwhelming majority of these so called friendships are shallow and conditional. It is difficult when raising a family, having a career and other issues to find a community. It is well worth the time and energy to seek one.

From a nevermo perspective --

Prospective places and ways to meet potential friends include, but are not limited to: School, work, neighbors, through other friends, clubs, interest groups, church communities, and fraternal associations.

Methods: Strike up a conversation to establish mutual interests and possible compatibility. Suggest getting together sometime (a general invitation.) If the other person appears interested, at the next meeting give a specific invitation (i.e. a movie, concert, sporting event or activity, hike, shopping, a meal out, etc.) Generally when you are getting to know someone, a shared activity is better than a visit focusing solely on talk. It gives you a chance to get to know someone new in a relaxed atmosphere.

In my experience you will have the best luck with people in a similar life stage as yourself, i.e. single, married, married with young children, empty-nesters, retired, widowed. This is not a hard-and-fast rule, but it will give you the greatest chance of success.

Also, many people are open to making new friends, but some are not. If not, move on and try again with someone else. It does not reflect on you in any way. Regardless of how people respond, they are normally not at all insulted by friendship overtures, however. Such overtures are usually regarded as validating their desirability and popularity. They will normally not think less of you for trying to make friends.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/13/2017 11:23AM by summer.

When I left (almost 37 years ago now), I had mostly mormon friends, and a few non-mo friends.

About 95% of the mormon "friends" I had then wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Not a single one of the non-mo friends cared one bit. They already liked me for me, not because of what I did/didn't believe about any church.

It was a real eye-opener for me. I found out what "friend" really meant. And it wasn't the mormon definition :)

i can't walk down the street without people talking to me, but that's because I've got a dog!

We [can-must] seek it out and/or become it, by becoming more authentic, passionate (about living, learning, interests, arts, skills, oneself, others, truth, something [anything!]), dedicated (in our search of happiness/ fulfillment/ friends/ family/ community... and finding ourselves, wherever we find ourselves, supposing we are even looking or care to do so) and all this starts with being who you are.

If you are WHO YOU ARE, people will flock to you (not unlike ducks to a pond), you will gain more inspiration, energy, respect and admiration, even if a few enemies, yet there is nothing to need to defend, nothing to remember or cover for and nothing to fake. Like Oscar Wilde says, "Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken."!lol

Socialize with those LIKE yourself, and those unlike yourself, in case you ever change (because you will). You must put yourself out there, and expose vulnerabilities, weaknesses, worries and fears (along with your strengths and 'assets', like your superior abilities, like flexibility, dependability, good looks, good manners, great and true friendship, genuine warmth, talents, likeability, etc.) and people will 'get' you.

Volunteer as much and with as many different causes as you can (and find what works best and who needs and likes you most) and make a difference in the lives of others. 'Nuff Said

Start and/ or join community and arts organizations and institutions. Join up with others who LOVE YOU because you are you. Work together. Laugh together. Love together. Cry together. Grow together. Share together. Play (music-anything!) together. Feast together. Build together. Prosper (or at least commiserate) together. Just don't Live together, necessarily, For Pete's Sake.

"I find, if you give yourself to others, they might not give you back (but GIVE ANYWAY)." _M@t

Remember, everybody you meet is a potential friend, though the likelihood is ever so small.

Go a different way every day.
Make you work be your 'play'.

Oh if it were ever so easy.

M@t

<<Perhaps the first step to finding people like yourself is to show up as yourself.>>

That phrase hits me like a ton of bricks. Once I got out of Mormonism I had no personality. I knew how to say yes. I knew how to obey. I knew how to keep my Mormon facade up. Those three things don't make an interesting person to be around. I was such a blank slate and everyone had been writing on me. I stopped that from happening, then I didn't know what to write on myself. And it took years. My social skills were non-existant for navigating the real world.

I was raised in a 99% Mormon community in rural Utah. Went straight from there to the mission and straight from there to BYU where I realized the lie. I had a Mormon personality through and through.

Even a couple of years after I had stopped being Mormon, a new friend took me to a party where he knew lots of people. He left me on my own. I had a complete panic attack including hyperventilation and fled the party in a part of the city I wasn't even familiar with. Luckily he came after me. He was angry. Didn't understand as he had been the life of the party with the best personality like forever. He couldn't understand that I had no idea at all about real life and was terrified of most of it.

I finally found my people because I found myself. My nickname for myself has always been "Late Bloomer." All I can say to anyone struggling like I did, is just find yourself first. This means be a little selfish. Say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. When someone says "What would you like to do today?" think of something you like. Never say, "Oh whatever you want to do." Find the guts to not have some people like you. Realize that is a marker of claiming yourself. Pick up a bunch of magazines and read a lot of articles. Next time you are at a party something interesting from one will pop into your head as a conversation starter. Enjoy a little off kilter humor. Don't offend easily. I was such a prude when I was a Mormon and it was hard to let go of that. Life started when I did. Seriously, too much is obviously to much, but a little selfishness goes a long way.

Life is truly a cabaret old chum.