This is a long story, sorry for the incoming wall of text...

I was an only child, raised in a mixed-religion household. My mom was casual LDS (I guess she'd be considered a Jack Mormon), my dad was a mildly observant Reform Jew. In my younger years, my whole family would go to sacrament meeting once a month and then go out for brunch after. My dad would occasionally take me to his synagogue around Hanukkah, but other than that, religion wasn't a big part of our lives. We spent most weekends hiking, biking, playing at the park, going on drives up the canyon and other outdoorsy things.

But my mom's side of the family were really hardline TBMs and they HATED how she married a non-member. People in the family don't like to talk about this too much, but my grandpa actually refused to come to my mom's wedding. They were always making things hard for my mom/trying to interfere with our lives (I remember them fighting a lot and one time my mom kicked them out of our house).

When I was 12, things changed for me. My mom decided to start going back to church after a spiritual experience she had with family history work. And from there, she got more and more active until she was a full-on Mormon again, paying tithing, going to the temple, going to all of her Sunday meetings, etc. She encouraged me to go to Church with her, so I went off and on...and I loved the ward so much, esp Young Womens. I eventually started taking seminary class. I'd never felt so spiritually uplifted in my whole life. I KNEW the Church was true. I was baptized at 14.

But, looking back...I was so self-righteous. My dad turned into my conversion project and I started looking at him differently. I was borderline resenting him for drinking coffee, not going to church, and all of the other "bad" things. I thought he was holding our family back. It was even worse when I started thinking in the eternal perspective and how my parents weren't sealed. My mom felt the same way and their relationship started falling apart (which was upsetting because they NEVER fought...they were always really patient and easy-going).

My grandparents and some other extended family and ward members kept pressuring my mom to find someone better (not directly, but in that passive-aggressive way), but she tried to stick it out for years. My parents ended up divorcing when I was at BYU Provo and I was so angry at my dad. He moved back to New York City to take care of my grandpa on that side of the family. My dad tried to keep in contact with me, but I didn't want to talk to him. This is really painful to admit right now, but I told him I didn't want a relationship going forward and then I cut off communication with him. He still tried to email/call me, but I just didn't care. I was so mad.

(He insisted on coming out for my graduation, so we had an awkward meeting then).

A few months after I finished school, I had a huge faith crisis because of listening to Mormon-themed podcasts and learning more in-depth info about the Church (polygamy, temple rituals, etc). Then I read the CES letter and that was the end of it. The Church was so clearly false. I went through a lot of depression...I couldn't believe everything I'd put so much effort into was fake. I thought my mom and I were on the right path after coming back to the faith. The idea that it had all been pointless was terrifying. I'd been duped.

I knew I couldn't live a double life, so I told my mom. She was really upset, especially since she and I talked about our spiritual experiences so much. She couldn't believe I was walking away.

I've been out ever since. My mom and her side of the family doesn't talk to me much these days. They think I'm not trying hard enough to get a personal confirmation. Or that I'm not being sincere in my prayers/search for answers. (It's always MY fault in their opinion, not the Church's)

Anyway, so now I've completely lost my support system. I've gone from hardcore TBM to non-believing, non-active. And now I realize that there was nothing wrong with my dad. I put Mormonism first and pushed him out of my life, even after all of those fun times we had together when I was growing up. I'm so disgusted with myself.

I want to reconnect. He's probably one of the few people in my life who wouldn't judge me because of my lack of Mormonism, but I've been so crappy to him and I don't know how you even START to fix a broken relationship like this. I'm willing to apologize a hundred times over, but does that really make up for giving someone the cold-shoulder for that long?

I just wish things didn't have to be that way. I twisted my TBM-ness and hurt my own family.

Tell him what you just told us. Then apologize, tell him you love him and you want to start on a new path.

He’s your Dad, he will hopefully be thrilled to be back in your life.

> I want to reconnect. He's probably one of
> the few people in my life who wouldn't judge
> me because of my lack of Mormonism, but I've
> been so crappy to him and I don't know how
> you even START to fix a broken relationship
> like this. I'm willing to apologize a hundred
> times over, but does that really make up for
> giving someone the cold-shoulder for that long?

I betcha he'll tell you that, "You had me hello..."

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I betcha he'll tell you that, "You had me
> hello..."

I agree -- this is almost a no-brainer.

As a dad, I can darn-near guarantee that if you call him, you'll find that all is already forgiven, and that you'll be welcomed with open arms.

You can worry about apologizing for being an arrogant ass later on. I'm betting he won't care. He'll just be happy to have you back in his life.

Pick up the phone. Make the call.

Your dad will welcome you back with pure happiness. Contact him soon and let the healing—nay, the shared joy—begin.

I am a Jew, and I know exactly how to do this in a way which will touch your father's heart with love, instant compassion, and acceptance.

Tell him: "I want to be a baal t'shuvah in your life."

The Hebrew words literally indicate: "One who returns to God," but your father will INSTANTLY know that you want to return to HIM, and that you are "making contact" in the most emotionally powerful way possible.

In regular Jewish life, the phrase "baal t'shuvah" can mean a variety of practical things.

The term can indicate someone who has been of lower observance (say: Reform or secular), who decides to become more observant.

"Baal t'shuvah" can indicate a Jew who has NEVER been observant in most any way, but who makes the decision to begin being observant in at least some ways.

It can mean someone who once left the Jewish community (meaning: the Jewish people as a whole), someone who (for a period of time) did not identify as a Jew, but who then, at some point later in life, decides to return to the Jewish people in ways significant to them.

It also can mean someone who was once at the extreme right ("extremely observant") of the Jewish spectrum, who left their extremely-religiously-right community, but who later made the decision to "go back" in at least some way(s).

All of these different meanings indicate: Someone has chosen to "come home" (whether it is a "home" they once lived in, or a home which is new to them).

Your father will know that you do not mean religiously observant, but instead, that you want to again, actively, "be" his daughter, in both of your lives.

My best wishes go out to both of you.

Writing is all down probably helped a lot. All religions have spiritual experiences. Family history work is a big source of that. It’s a form of ancestor worship, which the Buddhists do better and cheaper.

Don’t be embarrassed about reaching out. He knew you needed space and he respected that. Now go have a nice reunion.

I believe he will be beyond thrilled!!!!

You expressed your thoughts wonderfully. Please keep us updated as to how things progress.

Another powerful example of how divisive religion can sometimes be.

I am the mother of an estranged adult child. If that child were to contact me in the way you have expressed.........I would rush to embrace her. Your father will too.

Mormonism causes so much delusion, confusion, strife, and disharmony. It's "built-in", and causes sin. It wants it to end before it can even begin.

We must forgive and forget-
We forget some things anyway;
It's hard to forgive...

Tell your father "Mormonism did it to me". He'll understand.

Mormonism makes people do stupid - and mean, and rediculous, and useless, unnecessary and freaky - things.

Tell him you left the cult.
You're an adult.

Ella, call him right now. Don't wait. I suspect you will be instantly welcomed back.

Your dad will be so happy to hear from you. Just say, "I'm sorry I treated you so badly." Move forward from there. This will be the easiest and most joyful phone call you ever make.

I am an ex-mormon married to a Jew. I'm also a father of two (who are both grown up) and step father. I can tell you that if it were me I would be beyond thrilled to have you back in my life.

Please give your father a chance. Tell him the truth about what happened to you. Apologize for how you judged him and treated him. It would be good for the both of you.

...AND...please return and report what happened!

I wholeheartedly agree with the "return and report" request.

This is going to be a wonderful, joyous process. So please share it with us!

Your father probably understands the “water you swam in” better than you may think. He probably understands the power of the cult, and will be able to see beyond all of that. This may be harder for you than it is for him. I wish you all the best.

Ella, my husband went through something similar with his TBM daughters, only their mother encouraged the split. He hasn't seen them in person since 2004, but the younger one started talking to him again last year on Skype.

For years, she refused to have anything to do with my husband because of the divorce and the fact that he left Mormonism. She was very angry with him and said horrible things-- even demanded that he give her up for adoption to her current stepfather (mom has been married three times). To be honest, he reached out to her before she reached out to him. But when they did reconnect, she apologized profusely and now they email and Skype regularly. She even started talking to my husband's mother, who was out of her life from the time she was a small child.

I have been angry with my husband's daughter and her sister for years, but watching my husband finally reconnecting, especially since he now has a grandson, is so healing. Please don't delay. Your dad will probably rejoice at getting to talk to you again. Just tell him what you told us, apologize for the lost years, and I'll bet you'll be back in his life in no time. And he will love having you there.

Good luck.

There are open arms waiting for you. Don't waste another second.

Words don't matter. Explanations don't matter. You don't even have to say anything. You don't have to do anything the "right" way anymore. Give your Dad what he has been waiting for.