Hello, I'm new here. I'm 17 and went through my 'faith crisis' about 6 months ago, realized the church was entirely false, and I've been sinking into a bad depression since. I've been through some difficult things in my life, my mother passed away a few years ago, and I went through a heartbreak that tore me apart. But nothing has ever hurt as bad as losing my faith. I was (and still am, or so everyone around me thinks) the perfect Mormon girl. I brushed aside inconsistencies, but the older I got and the more I learned, the more I realized how much nothing made sense, but it wasn't until I read the CES letter that I really knew that my entire worldview was incorrect. Watching everything I knew fall apart around me has been absolutely terrifying. I haven't told my dad and my Stepmom, but I can't even imagine how disappointed they would be. You guys have never seen a more Molly Mormon family than mine. But my family is all I have and I can't bear to lose them. I've isolated myself from the few friends I had, my self esteem has never been lower, and I've also recently became suicidal. I'm not sure if that's the sort of thing I'm supposed to talk about on here, but I need to vent and I'm not sure where else to do it. I have nobody I feel like I can trust or talk to. I guess I don't want to kill myself, I just also realize it would be easier on my family if I died in a car accident and not have to tell them I have to leave the church. At least that way they would talk about how they knew they would see me in the celestial kingdom and not be too upset about it. It's kind of disheartening to know my family would rather I died than leave the church. I'm very alone and very scared. I don't want to leave the church, and if there was any part of my that believed any part of it even a little bit, I would stay. I don't know anything else. My entire future has always revolved around me marrying a nice Mormon boy and starting a family, and now that I know that I can't do that, I have to rethink what I want and what I'm going to do. I also don't know how to tell my family. I don't want to tell my family. They are all I have and I'm going to be disowned, just like my aunt who left the church a few years ago. And to be clear, I've thought about staying anyway, but I know that I can't. I can't live a lie, and I could never do that to my future husband or children. I can't keep trying to be all of the versions of myself. I've always told myself that I would be brave and do what is right when the time came, but I am now realising that I'm not brave and I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry to all the strangers on the internet who read that jumbled mess, but I appreciate it if you did. I just don't know what to do and I had to let it out, even if nobody reads this. Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
-AJ

Hi AJN,


I woke up after sleeping for ninety minutes or so and re-read your post. I initially missed the part about suicidal feelings.I'M SO SORRY I MISSED THAT!!!!!!!!!! You MUST seek help! You don't have to tell that person about your feelings about the church. Just tell someone you're feeling suicidal. There's also a hotline you can call. 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is the number. Tell your parents or a teacher or counselor at school.

Once you've spoken with someone about that, do you have contact info for your aunt who left the church a few years ago? She might be an excellent resource for you.

I don't know your family so I really cannot predict how they will react, but just because your aunt was essentially disowned by her parents doesn't mean for certain that your parents will do the same. It would take real jerks to cast out a child as young as you are. I know it's been done before, but maybe your parents will react differently. Regardless, that bridge can be crossed later. Right now, we just need to get help for you.

Sweetie, I assume you feel like the walls are crashing in around you. I won't tell you everything is going to be wonderful right away, but this is something you can get through with help.

Please post again as soon as you are awake to tell us that you are OK!

Hugs,

Scott



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2019 05:36AM by scmd1.

Please re-read the post above, aJN. I amended it. In a few hours, others will be awake and will give you wiser advice than I can give, but meanwhile, read the previous post.

Once again, the hotline number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or dial 911.

AJ, not sure where you live. Like SCMD said, you sound like you need to talk to a trained professional for some good emotional support and guidance.

You could tell your family that you feel you need this with the pain you are feeling from the loss of your mother, or something along those lines. No need to go into detail.

Do you live in a heavily populated Mormon area?

You're young with your whole life ahead of you. Faith evolves as you grow, age and mature. Because your faith has changed from your family's doesn't make you less of a person. Didn't they teach you to be honest? Value that principle and hold onto it. It's worth embracing and will guide you forward.

As others have counseled, get professional help and intervention.

RfM is a support group and will be here to assist you in leaving the cult of Mormonism. Many here have been where you are now. You are not alone.

I didn't lose my faith when I lost that religion. I still need God and prayer, faith and hope in my life. My faith increased when I left TSCC because being there was holding me back in my spiritual walk.

Welcome, ajn! We're glad that you came here.

I want you to go talk to your school counselor *today.* Go during your free period or tell your teacher that you desperately need to see a counselor. If it works the same where you live as where I live, you can go for the first visit without your parents knowing. After that, you will need their permission, but you can tell your parents something like that you still feel sad about your mom's death, are confused about things, etc. Your counselor will have all of the free resources that you need to help you. And as a teacher, I've never seen a child or teen who doesn't *love* going to see the counselor. I think you will love it as well!

I lost my dad at age 14, and my faith (Catholic) around the same time, so I have some idea of what you've been through. I do know from reading and participating on this board for many years that you can't always predict how parents will react to leaving the Mormon church. So please do not despair about that.

What I would do is to do the Mormon program for now. Go to church, go to YW activities, etc. Do what is expected. Don't talk to your parents about your loss of faith right now. Study hard and get good grades. Get a part time job and save your money. Try to make some wholesome non-Mormon friends in school (my group of friends in high school was mostly nevermo and as straight-arrow as they come. We did have one Mormon girl in our group who later left the church.)

Eventually you will leave your parents' home and their control over you. Many kids use college as a time to separate themselves from their parents and discover who they are. The military works the same way. I would strongly advise that you plan on getting the skills and credentials you will need to have a good career. Money equals freedom! If you have the capacity to earn a good living, you can eventually live on your own as you please. Every woman should have the capacity to earn a good living, because you never know what life holds. Even if you want to be a stay at home mom, you will be able to work and get paid well should you ever need to. If you don't know where to start, your local community college is affordable and will have many good programs.

Please keep checking in. I want you to know that you can have a happy life. The world is so much bigger than the Mormon world that you have been living in.

Glad you are here ajn. First, many of us have been where you are now and we really aren't strangers to you at all. Sometimes people are friends before they even know it.

I am impressed with the clarity with which you speak. I also see a lot of strength in your post which I know you don't. But it's there. You have embraced honesty. You are already envisioning a husband and a family outside the Mormon church. That means you do see a future for yourself and you should. The world outside of Mormonism is a big step up.

Do not be so sure you will lose your family. Nothing in life comes with guarantees. None of us have a truly secure future. Like throws curves but it balances out in the end with a lot of good stuff too. And we have each other. And there are people here to lift you up. They truly understand. They will give you different viewpoints.

See your school counselor as others have said. Be wary if your school counselor is Mormon. Make sure they will keep confidence. You don't need to tell your parents anything. Your cards are yours to show or not when you want to show them or never. Time is on your side. And keep letting it all out here. You don't owe anybody anything right now. You take care of yourself.

I love my non Mormon life. I came from an extreme TBM family like you and it was all traumatic for a while when I first told. But real life, real friends are out there and you are going to have that.

First you need to know that you are not alone. There are many wonderful people here willing to listen and offer advice.

Second you are not alone in what you are feeling. You are not alone in confronting your beliefs. My niece was a two years younger than you when the pressures of mormonism and her own doubts in it brought her to the edge of taking her own life. Fortunately she received help and support and fortunately her parents eventually understood her and allowed her to find her own path.

She is now healthy and happy.

Probably the best kept secret in Mormonism is that people can and do leave it and find peace, happiness, success and love outside of the church.

The great lie is that women must take a narrow path. Marriage, children and submission to a priesthood authority to be happy.

There are many great non mormon people in the world. You can and will discover them. There are many great partners out there too.

Joy unspeakable can come to you as you explore the world and all of its options. Choices in careers, travel and schooling abound.

Patience and hope will bring all of these things to you.

Keep in touch with us. Read the experiences of others. The search option can help you explore this site and see how others adapted and overcame as well as info on lots of doctrinal issues.

Good luck




.

First of all, I’m very very glad I didn’t kill my self. I think you will be too.

“Living a lie” is a strong way to put it, although that was my first reaction too: “OMG, my whole life is a lie”. My identity evaporated overnight and then I had to build a completely new one. I’ve found that most of modern culture is built on consensual lies. Mormonism trained you to have a strong reaction to lies, which makes for an insane awakening.

Congratulations, you are now an actress. That’s your new job until you leave your parents house. Playing Mormon isn’t wrong, it’s what’s expected of you. Like baking cookies for Santa when you know there’s no fat man coming down the chimney.

For me, I'd tell them (but that's just me). But, if you do, please assure them that your love for THEM is unshakeable and unconditional. That your allegiance to is to THEM--not to a religion.

It's always risky, but living a lie is something that I don't think you can do in view of what you said.

When I was hanging around under the exit light of mormonism, I ran into a friend who was out before me. She said, "And you know what, HE still loves me." That got me out. Because I still had faith in God. What I lost was not faith, but my capacity to be duped by Joseph Smith-ers.

Clearly, the thought of loss is horrifying to you--as it is for most of us. Get counseling for the loss of your mom. If sometime, you want to tell us about her, we will listen. On this site, I've had lots of opportunity to talk about my wonderful dad, and I needed to do that.

Sticking with Recovery from Mormonism has been a life-line for a lot of people. I was amazed at the intelligence of people here. Many folks here have astonishing wit. I can't read RfM on my phone at night, because I start laughing and wake my husband up. If you stick around, you will laugh a lot, too, and you will make friends. There are people here whom I consider my friends just as if they were old classmates.

I think there are a lot of people who show up here who are about your age. Oh, and you will find a wonderful non-mormon husband. I sure did.

Hello AJN,

I am fairly new to this community but I am sure you will find as I did, that there are wonderful people here, and most importantly you can talk about anything you want without being censored. And you will get real, thoughtful answers, not platitudes.

So, Welcome, AJN, glad you found this community, it has been an immense help to me as I leave the church.

Hang in there, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you!

i left several years ago after more than 3 decades. got depressed and i am now in counseling. just stumbled onto this and hope it can help someone. this has been like having something that no one knows what is causing the depression and this finally gives me an answer so i can understand what happened to me. here is the link: https://journeyfree.org/rts/

Hello AJN,

I'm pretty new to this forum as well although I left the church a few years ago. All the advice you've received is very good and I hope this has helped you realize you are not alone.

I was also the perfect mormon girl with the super mormon family. My in-laws thought I was my husband's salvation since I convinced him to go on a mission and we got married in the temple. It took me until I was 30 to face the truth and get out. I suffered from depression and anxiety as a result of leaving, I hated the idea of disappointing all of my family. But in the end I knew I couldn't stay.

I was lucky in that my husband had already left over a year before and while my family is disappointed they haven't disowned me. That being said, even if they had I would have left as painful as that would have been, I can tell you from experience living a life merely out of fear and/or guilt is no way to live a life. My husband finally left when he did because he realized while in Afghanistan that if he died no one would mourn the REAL him, just the facade we all saw. It is not always easy, but being honest with and to yourself is always the best way.

My biggest advice to you is to find a support system, outside your family if you must. You mentioned an aunt that was disowned because of leaving. Perhaps you should try reaching out to her, she may be able to help. All of us here are here for you, I don't know where you live, but I'm sure you could reach out and find support groups in your area.

Good luck, and don't hesitate to reach out for help here or elsewhere.

I lost my "I know the church is true" feeling just before my mission. I had no problem playing the game on my mission and at the Y, and that was way before smartphones!

If there's a real truth out there, I haven't found it. Personally I don't think it exists. So for me the question devolved not into What Is True, but How Can I Be Happy?

Answer that question for yourself...

AJN, I haven't written anything because you've already gotten some very good advice. But, I am worried. How are you doing?

ajn....I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your place right now. But I wish you all the best in finding a way through this. I never had a strong belief in the church and it pretty much vanished after I showed up at Ricks (BYUI) and was overwhelmed by Mormonism 24/7.

I need to add one very important thing I did not see posted yet.

If at all possible. DO NOT get an LDS councelor or use any church related mental health services.

You need a neutral therapist, not one that will work on your testimony more than your health.

First off, please stop telling yourself that you aren't brave, because you most certainly are. For one, you've already decided that you can't live a lie for the sake of your future family, and also that you're willing to make the necessary sacrifices now to ensure their happiness later. That takes serious courage and integrity, and not many people could commit to that. Second, you posted your fears and concerns to a group of anonymous strangers, not knowing what their responses would be. Taking that sort of risk is also a very brave thing to do, by any measure.

It sounds like you may have a strong potential ally in your aunt. Is there any possible way for you to contact her, tell her about your situation, and ask her for advice? If you can, you may be able to rely on her (and if she has children, some cousins) for emotional support.

Because you're still a minor, you'll probably need to fake it until you turn 18. One thing in your favor is that since you're a girl, you won't get the constant pressure to serve a mission. Maybe you can use that to your advantage and make a college education (away from home, preferably) one of your major goals. Try to avoid attending BYU at all, and **DON'T go to BYU-Idaho for ANY reason!!**

If your parents start pressuring you to date and/or start thinking about marriage, you can tell them that you've fasted and prayed about it, and have received strong spiritual promptings that the time isn't right and God wants you to wait a while longer. If they try to set you up with the bishop's creepy son, then say you don't get a good feeling and that the Holy Ghost is warning you he's not a good match for you. You could stall a long time with this kind of strategy.

In the meantime, work on finding some non-mormon friends with common interests. The world is much larger than the tiny mormon bubble your family is trapped inside. Within a couple of years, you will feel more confident, less afraid of your family's crappy attitudes and opinions, and freer to live your own life in whatever manner you choose.

You are not alone. Everyone here is on your side. We're rooting for you to break free, to succeed on your own terms, and to be true to yourself. Post as often as you want.

Funny how we’ll do things to avoid rejection so we’ll feel loved.

That isn’t love - it is force. Psychological coercion. Using threat of rejection to control others.

Wasn’t it Satan that wanted to force us into the church?

Just tell family you no longer want to follow the devil, but you want to exercise free agency. You want to choose your path without fear of rejection.

And mention you prefer other wholesome activities to sitting in church meetings.

Doesn’t matter if it’s true. It only matters if you like it.


If they like it, fine.

ajn, I can't give you better advice than what many others have already written here, but I want to respond to one thing you wrote in particular:

"I guess I don't want to kill myself, I just also realize it would be easier on my family if I died in a car accident and not have to tell them I have to leave the church. At least that way they would talk about how they knew they would see me in the celestial kingdom and not be too upset about it. It's kind of disheartening to know my family would rather I died than leave the church."

I am a never-Mormon, but the one Mormon funeral I have attended in my life was that of a Mormon's co-worker's teenage daughter who was killed in a car crash. It was about 20 years ago, yet I still recall vividly the absolute despair and grief on the face of the girl's mother, in particular. This coworker and his family were devout Mormons, but even their belief (I am sure) that they would be with their daughter again one day for eternity did not appear to me to assuage their grief, at least not from what I observed at the funeral and of my co-worker in the following several months.

I only worked at that company about a year and lost touch with my co-worker after that. However, I have never forgotten the funeral of that poor girl, nor her mother's face and words at the funeral, and I have often wondered how her family has coped in the intervening years.

I have no doubt your parents will not be happy if you tell them you no longer believe in Mormonism. However, I can also assure you they would be FAR, FAR more unhappy--"unhappy" cannot even describe it--if you were to die, whether by suicide, in a car crash, or in any other way. Please believe this. Please heed the good advice and experience of other ex-Mormons here, talk to a counselor ASAP, and take heart, Your post reveals you to be very intelligent as well as mature for your age, and you can and will get through this.

ajn,
How do you leave? You already have. Take a deep breath and realize you are more intelligent and strong than everyone in the church you have ever met. You are more honest with yourself than the prophet of their church. You have broken out of mental and psychological prison of the church. Give yourself some time to absorb your new freedom. Just relax. It is ok to do a little faking as your mind adjusts to your new reality. Don't do anything rash. You want to be smart about your plans. You have inherent in you everything you need to succeed in life.

I know you want to scream and the rage and pain can be unbearable. Endure this and it will make you stronger. You must build your inner strength. You will need to get to know the real you. It is like being born again and you are seeing the "real" world for the first time. You are now part of humanity, welcome to the club.

I went through this at age 33, married with 4 children, wasted 2 years of my life on a mission. (now I'm 47, (male)). I wish I had figured it out earlier as you have.

Don't expect to have any validation from your family. You won't be able to convince them of anything. Arguing is pointless. They likely won't understand. I would keep any explanations of why you don't believe vague and concise when and if you decide to confront them.

And remember, this is just my opinion from my point of view. You now have to learn to develop your own opinion if you haven't already. Your opinion is just as valid as any human on this earth. You have to learn to decide for yourself what you want in this life, what will make you happy. If you discover this, you have found the secret of life. You have to learn that your life purpose is not to please your parents or your family. You have to learn that just because someone doesn't approve of your choices, that is their problem. You can still listen to people you respect and use this as you please, but you are under no obligation to follow anyone's path but your own.

My mother broke down and cried when I told her I don't believe. It took me a long time to realize that it was her own belief causing her pain. It is not my obligation to play along with her belief so she wouldn't feel pain. Their church teachings and belief cause that. Again, not your doing or something that you can control. No need to feel responsible.

If you are inclined to attend college, I would plan to go to a non-church college. If your parents aren't willing to assist you with money, you can apply for loans and grants and get a job. I was amazed at the amount of assistance there was for my children. There was some free money, some no interest money, and some with interest, depending on how much you need and your financial status.

https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/fafsa

It is my opinion, that going into debt for your education is the best investment you can make in yourself.

Congratulation ajn on taking control of your life, for being honest with yourself. This is the bravest thing a person can do.