According to some poorly placed sources, Nelson is not finished with his crusade against improper and incorrect nomenclature currently used in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, resulting in some murmurings of dissension in the higher ranks.

Not content to browbeat the world into abandoning the "Mormon" nickname in favor of much longer, awkward terms of reference regarding COJCOLDS members and things related to the COJCOLDS, Nelson reportedly has recently stated that, pursuant to a careful and prayerful perusal of the scriptures, that "the Lord has impressed upon my mind that the correct term of reference
for the lesser order of priesthood currently referred to as the 'Aaronic Priesthood' should not bear only the name of Aaron for, in all things, Moses and Aaron worked together in implementing the will of the Lord after the manner of this priesthood to which they both were ordained and, therefore, this priesthood should bear the names of both of these servants of the Lord, with Moses' name being first as he was first in this priesthood."

At the meeting where Nelson revealed this new revelation, President Eyring reportedly asked: "So you are saying that it is to be called the 'Moses and Aaron Priesthood'?"

To this, Nelson is reported to have replied that the Lord had impressed upon his mind that the correct name for the priesthood was a harmonious blending of the names of Moses and Aaron. In other words, the correct name to be used henceforth for all references to this priesthood would be the 'Moronic Priesthood' and males who hold this priesthood are to be referred to as holders of the Moronic Priesthood.

Shortly before adjourning the meeting, Nelson reportedly looked around the room to see if anyone had any objections and queried: "Why are you all looking at each other like that? I don't get it. Elder Uchtdorf, why are you laughing? Is there something funny about honoring both Moses and Aaron, as the Lord has directed me to do? Wendy didn't think it was funny."

Preparation and handling of the sacrament, as well as collecting of fast offerings will continue to be the responsibility of Moronic Priesthood holders. Only the name has changed to reflect the Lord's wishes. According to my notoriously unreliable sources, Nelson will also announce the setting aside of one Sunday each year as "Moronic Priesthood Day" to honor the Lord's desire to see the Saints giving greater recognition to the gifts and powers that the Lord has bestowed upon them through the Moronic Priesthood.

Meanwhile, Uchtdorf has reportedly been admitted to a hospital for testing because, according to my lowly placed sources: "He has not been able to stop laughing and smacking his forehead since the above-mentioned meeting was held and nobody knows why."

So... what do your dubious sources have to say about a new rendering for the designation "Higher Priesthood"?

Will Mormon Newspeak renominate the Melchizedek levels as something like... "Mel, The Cheese-dick" Priesthood?

After all, a good number of those old fellows are known to be lusty lads.

being considered.

But lately, due to a constant stomach upset, Nelson is reportedly favoring "Mal-gastric" priesthood, as it seems to be strongly impressed upon his mind by the Lord, or so he says...reportedly.

Mal-gastric Priesthood holders often have their priesthood confirmed by the expulsion of evil, gaseous spirits from their bodies. Such expulsions sometimes occur silently and sometimes with a rumbling noise, but always accompanied by a noxious odor.

"Hallelujah!" exclaimed one Mal-gastric priesthood holder when a particularly voluminous evil spirit in gaseous form violently forced it's way out of the rear door of that gentleman's physical body/temple, with a mighty roar and a rushing of wind that bore with it the smell of sulfur and rotting fish. "One down and legion to go! By the power of the Mal-gastric Priesthood, I will expel every last one of you before this Sacrament Meeting is finished!" And the rest of the congregation fainted, as they were overcome by the spirit.

How about "Male Kiss-a-Dick"?

I need to give your sources a lie-detector examination, post haste.

Once a cop, Always a cop...

correlate to the type of stress that a person feels when knowingly lying. My sources are almost always obliviously lying if and when they are ever lying. Plus there is no noticeable change in the rate of their heartbeat even under the greatest stress imaginable.

With that caveat in mind, I will gladly arrange for them to submit to lie-detector tests next Thursday, in exchange for a hamburger today (as long as it's not one of those no-name restaurant burgers that always tend to activate my Mal-gastric Priesthood.)

I can understand why you people are no longer Mormons--y'all have too good of a sense of humor to be Mormons!

...the day finally arrived for me to enter into the House of the Lord where I would finally be taught the sublime secrets of the meaning of life, for I had been found worthy to receive these great truths...great truths that could not be discussed in public for they were much, much too sacred! Unworthy souls, tempted by the Devil would only mock such truths. Speaking such truths in public would be akin to casting pearls before swine or gifting a large bottle of Chanel Grand Extrait luxury perfume to a camel suffering from a bad head cold.

Well, that day arrived. I entered the House of the Lord...where they taught me about 3 or 4 funny handshakes that felt vaguely perverted. In connection with the handshake lessons, they made me promise to cut my own throat or disembowel myself if I ever showed any of those handshakes to any unworthy person on the outside. That was amazing.

I then did a weird hug with a mystery man who was standing behind a gauzy curtain (a mystery man who could have used that bottle of Chanel Grand Extrait). After the weird hug--a hug that included knocking our knees together--the mystery man pulled me into a place that looked like a tacky hotel lobby that was trying to hard to look posh on the cheap. No sooner had I entered the gaudy lobby than a lady with heavily shellacked blue-gray hair told me in a whisper that I needed to move on out because others were coming.

"Is that it?" I asked my parental units. "Yes, wasn't it wonderful?" they replied.

At that moment, I realized I could either spend the rest of my life crying about being the victim of one of the world's great punking operations or spend the rest of my life laughing at it.... I guess I mostly chose the latter. ;o)

I thought you were going to announce that the "lesser" priesthood would now be called the Moon Priesthood.

or, more accurately, one or more moons...usually pressed firmly against the windows of a short yellow school bus or family van.

Once again I don't witness any " recovery" going on, just more childish name calling and circle jerking.

Ex mormons having ago at mormons is like being over weight and then losing said weight, only to turn around and mock those still over weight.

Churlish.

Someone is offended that anyone would dare laugh at Joseph Smith's make-believe priesthood. I admit it. It's a slippery slope from here. I may even go so far as to joke about the houses of wizardry at Hogwarts as though they too were just make-believe.

Must show proper reverence. Joseph Smith must have spent at least a week or two coming up with his phony priesthood system. That kind of effort deserves a lifetime of respect and reverence.

Seriously, recovery means being able to laugh at things that deserve to be laughed at. Feeling obligated to show respect and reverence for the obviously risible contrivances of a nutty cult is a sure sign that recovery is still far away.

According to your logic, recovery from cult indoctrination apparently means revering and respecting those things that the cult demands be revered and respected. Quite a bizarre formulation that indicates to me that Eyeroll still has not recovered and would not know what recovery looks like. Do you seriously think that your non-sequitur has any merit or that your eyeroll is anything other than a conditioned response bestowed upon you by the cult in question, showing nothing other than the extent to which you are still controlled by it?

Your analogy about laughing at people who are overweight is absurd. You don't need an analogy. Stating the facts of the situation is sufficient. I'm not laughing at people who are overweight. I'm laughing at people who persist in acting as though fictional orders of priesthood concocted by a 19th century con-artist deserve continuing reverence and respect as though they were real things to be taken seriously...I am therefore partly laughing at your mindset--and it has nothing to do with your weight or your deep-seated fascination with circle jerking.

resembling "circle jerking" was when I was tricked into dressing up in a goofy costume, wearing cult-issued underwear and standing around an altar in a circle chanting "pay, lay, ale" with a bunch of other people all wearing the same matching underwear. Get it?The LSD Church and its leaders had manipulated all of us into buying their underwear and standing around an altar in goofy costumes chanting "pay, lay, ale". You can either laugh at it or get enraged by it. You can't pretend to respect it and expect to have any self-respect at the same time.

Now if you can't see how that deserves to be laughed at, I fear for your soul. ;o)

behaving the way that TBMs want you to behave.

Pretty much the exact opposite of recovery.

As they say, "Laughter is the best medicine." Might also be the last step in dealing with the tough stuff life throws at you.

This is further proof of the restoration of all things, as this is the same priesthood held by Moroni. It now has its proper name restored. Praise the prophet. Focus groups have also shown that with the new name of Moronic Priesthood, no young women will want to be part of that club, thereby avoiding that issue.

Hahahah. Ha OMG. Ha Thank you, Wally!